AIBU protecting my time rigidly like this?

[ragandbonewoman]

Like many women I have been a people pleaser for years. Accommodating the needs of others where I possibly can, bending and flexing to keep everyone happy.

My kids are nearly adults, and my life is probably the easiest it’s ever been. I love to sleep, I work full time in a full on role, and I decided a couple years back to prioritise what I actually want, rather than what I think would be best for everyone else.

I now don’t plan anything weekday evenings if I have work the next day. So Monday to Thursday. I’m so much happier knowing that I have this time ring fenced to wind down, recharge and get as much sleep as I want. My weekends are really busy socially, with DH, the kids, my own family (big family) and my friends, and I love that.

Some friends really get and respect my decision. Others I feel are really judging me, and just refusing to accept it, responding with “well you just let me know what weekday eves you’re free and I’ll work around you” and “well what about after work until 7, surely you don’t go to bed at 7?!” I feel like I have to keep repeating myself bordering on being rude, and am forced to keep saying “yes I know that I could, but I really don’t want to!”

Tonight I said to a group of friends in a chat (struggling to find an evening to have a takeaway) “you guys just carry on with that date and I’ll catch up with you on the next Saturday catch up” and my friend said oh for goodness sake if you’re that exhausted we will come to yours for the takeaway then you haven’t even got to leave the sofa!” Which totally misses the point, I have spelled it out many times, I won’t make plans weekday evenings! And no I won’t be the slightest bit offended if you crack on without me!

I told this particular friend last time she pushed like this that if she needed me (like something emergency ish) then of course I’d be there like a shot, but I won’t make plans weekday evenings.
i feel like I’m going to ruin our friendship by having to be really rude.

surely I can’t be the only menopausal women who has finally decide to put myself first and stop doing things I don’t want or enjoy to please other people?

Sounds like you need new friends. I have a very emotionally draining and demanding job so my work-night evenings are mine. Funnily enough all my friends are grown up enough to accept and respect this, and are happy to just do day-off stuff with me (even if that means we see eachother less frequently).

If you lose friends because your friends are incapable of accepting your totally normal, reasonable desire to have time to yourself, they weren't friends worth having to begin with.

A lot of people have plans at weekends though. Why is the OP's time more important than there's? It's fine to do what she does but she'll lose friends. Her choice though.

I totally understand the desire to protect time and I can can relate to feeling too tired to do anything in the week.

But I think its a bit precious to insist that you will never do a weekday evening as a matter of principle and after a while I think you will create resentment. Friendship involves give and take and flexibility and if you are this rigid you are basically forcing others to work only to your timetable which is quite selfish.

I used to have a friend who was very dogmatic about always having to leave things really early because she said she needed to “protect her sleep”. It meant in practice I could never see her as I couldn’t ever leave early enough to guarantee she would get home by 9pm. I ended up feeling really resentful: why did her “needs” have to trump mine every time?

Friendship is a long term investment. You shouldn’t be constantly having to compromise yourself but you also should not be expecting others to always bend to your rules.

You're entitled to set any 'boundary' you like, and do whatever you like in life.

But you've asked us - and yeah, I think you're being unreasonable.

I think you sound very selfish and 'my way or the highway' - you're limiting your friends schedule to see you to 2 evening options a week (presumably you won't do anything on a Sunday evening either because you are in work the next morning). Every week. All the time. Has it crossed your mind that they may have really full weekends and cannot always neglect these for you?

Friendship is about give and take. You'll sleep a long time when you're dead. And that's coming from someone with M.E.

I’m confident the issue you’re hitting is that you’ve got some friends who run their lives the other way around.

So weekends are for home / chill / immediate family / partner time. And week nights are for other stuff.

At which point, you’re saying your unconstrained preferences trump theirs.

You get to choose that you prefer weekend stuff. They get to choose to prefer weeknights.

Neither of you is right or wrong, but without some flexibility you all miss out. And with you refusing to ever compromise, you’re the one who’s being selfish and demanding and prioritising yourself over others consistently. That behaviour doesn’t maintain friendships.

Which you might be ok with. But at the moment it sounds like you’re showing up as expecting everyone else to pander to your whim. Probably Dont intend to, but that will be how it’s landing.

YANBU, but just be warned that they may arrange all their get together on week days if they feel spurned by you.

Sleep is an absolutely basic need though and for OP to do her job well and manage her busy family life she has said she needs it. calm restorative evenings.
There’s lots of people struggling with poor physical and mental health. I admire OP - she is finding a sustainable way to thrive and so she will be less vulnerable to infections and stress.
She states she has weekend meetups with friends too so I’m sure there will still be friends left in retirement not as PP says that she’ll lose them all.😳
Good luck holding your boundaries OP.

It’s fine to see friends when you want to and not to see them when you don’t want to.
Perhaps seeing these particular friends less often would make you more enthusiastic to see them when something is being arranged?
Before my child came along I used to do evening stuff but I haven’t really since she was born 6 years ago. We’re up early in the morning and usually in PJs once our school / work day is done - and currently that’s how I like it. Precious peace and relaxation time to myself once she’s in bed.
That being said I also don’t have a group of friends like this wanting evening get togethers , so as others have said, if you stick so rigidly to it they will eventually stop asking.

Thing with sticking so rigidly is that works for you but if it doesn’t work for others you may end up excluded longer term as mentioned above.

I get the protected time. My ds is a swimmer and swims 4 mornings and the same 4 evenings a week. I work FT in between.

No swimming Wednesdays and I protect that time on the whole. But if I didn’t flex ever then I wouldn’t see friends because they are all willing to do the 1 evening a week I have free so make themselves available but wouldn’t be happy if I never did the same - not would I blame them.
I do however just say I need that time and will do no more than once a month and if that doesn’t fit in with their availability then please don’t feel bad that I have to miss the odd occasion as I understand my time is the limitation.

I never do anything in the evening on work days, TBH I haven’t since before DS13 was born. Dentistry is bloody tiring but also when I have done it all day I no longer want to talk to anyone. At all, even DH. Social battery dead.

It’s obviously your choice. But in the same way you are protective about your weekday evenings, maybe other people are protective of their weekends- it could be their regular family time for example. Also I don’t know about you but I am always so shattered on a Friday night that I’m good for nothing, so actually a Wednesday evening might suit me better.

You seem very inflexible- in protecting your own needs you’re not really taking your friends’ needs into account. Which is your choice, but you may find they just stop inviting you.

The problem as I see it is that some people (maybe more) are as protective of their weekends as you are of your week day evenings. For them weekends are full of family things, or things with their partners. This has become more apparent to me since my husband died. So you have to accept that by having a no week day evening policy, which is entirely your right, there are some people you will never see again.

I suppose I’m just going to end up echoing most people on here but yes my thought was you’ll probably end up losing some friends. But if you are ok with that as collateral damage then just carry on as you were

It is not unreasonable of you to protect your weekday evenings this way but it's also not unreasonable of your friends to feel like you're being a bit too protectective and you may lose them ultimately. If some people have a blanket ban on meeting in the week and others avoid meeting on weekends (I know people who like to keep them free for family time) then you'd never be able to meet up. Surely one evening a month could work but if it's in no way a priority for you to see them you're not obligated in any way.

Why would you need to ost it on Facebook if you did go out?

This is why I can’t be arsed with friends tbh. I’m too tired/busy through the week and my weekends are for family/the kids/house stuff etc. I don’t have the headspace for any of this “nourishing friendships” stuff. People are too needy.

I absolutely get you. It's a work night. I'm now retired but spent 30 years as a teacher and just said, 'Not on a school night' to people. I was absolutely knackered after a day at work, and frequently had marking to do in an evening.

I'm not sure why anyone would be upset that someone who works full time doesn't want to make plans for a mid week evening. Those who do get upset, well, that's their issue. You don't have to go out on an evening when you are exhausted after work just to appease someone else.

I Totally get you. But I agree you have to accept that they’ll stop asking you to meet up.

I think it wouldn’t hurt to be a bit flexible now and again, even if you just throw one Thursday a month into the mix. It’s a blessing you have friends who want to see you.

YANBU in the slightest. Unless it's a special occasion or an emergency, weekday evenings are for chilling on the sofa, doing my (solo!) hobbies and enjoying the peace and quiet.

Quite. I would love to take similar stance in some respects, but life would be far poorer without the hobbies/people that happen on weeknight evenings

I think if you are fine with losing friends just continue to say you will meet on occasional weekend but weekdays you have work and need lots of downtime and weekends are mainly for family. That will be hurtful to them if you don’t make any time for them though. There will come a point where work is not so full on, your DC are adults and your extended family may put demands on you as they get older or god forbid you may be widowed and DH not around then you may need friends for downtime. They may not be around if you continue to not make any effort to maintain a relationship. Boundaries are fine but in my book if a friend makes no effort to see me or maintain a relationship then they wouldn’t stay a friend for long. Depends on how often you get together though. If they are wanting to meet up every few weeks then missing the odd meet up is fine. If you only see each other every 6 months or so I think I would make an effort to prioritise them occasionally if I were you.

I am not available Mondays-Thursdays unless it’s a crisis/emergency.

By all means restrict your social life how you want.
It won’t take long for people to stop inviting you to week night events so that won’t be a long term issue.

I don’t love weekday evening socialising but I know how busy people are at weekends so prefer to adapt where I can.

IMO if OP loses friends over this then those people weren't really her friends to begin with.

I never see anyone on weeknights unless I absolutely have to. It's never lost me any friends, we socialise on the weekends or in the afternoons after work (we all work shifts/part-time) instead.