AIBU protecting my time rigidly like this?

[ragandbonewoman]

Like many women I have been a people pleaser for years. Accommodating the needs of others where I possibly can, bending and flexing to keep everyone happy.

My kids are nearly adults, and my life is probably the easiest it’s ever been. I love to sleep, I work full time in a full on role, and I decided a couple years back to prioritise what I actually want, rather than what I think would be best for everyone else.

I now don’t plan anything weekday evenings if I have work the next day. So Monday to Thursday. I’m so much happier knowing that I have this time ring fenced to wind down, recharge and get as much sleep as I want. My weekends are really busy socially, with DH, the kids, my own family (big family) and my friends, and I love that.

Some friends really get and respect my decision. Others I feel are really judging me, and just refusing to accept it, responding with “well you just let me know what weekday eves you’re free and I’ll work around you” and “well what about after work until 7, surely you don’t go to bed at 7?!” I feel like I have to keep repeating myself bordering on being rude, and am forced to keep saying “yes I know that I could, but I really don’t want to!”

Tonight I said to a group of friends in a chat (struggling to find an evening to have a takeaway) “you guys just carry on with that date and I’ll catch up with you on the next Saturday catch up” and my friend said oh for goodness sake if you’re that exhausted we will come to yours for the takeaway then you haven’t even got to leave the sofa!” Which totally misses the point, I have spelled it out many times, I won’t make plans weekday evenings! And no I won’t be the slightest bit offended if you crack on without me!

I told this particular friend last time she pushed like this that if she needed me (like something emergency ish) then of course I’d be there like a shot, but I won’t make plans weekday evenings.
i feel like I’m going to ruin our friendship by having to be really rude.

surely I can’t be the only menopausal women who has finally decide to put myself first and stop doing things I don’t want or enjoy to please other people?

I agree this is not flaky. People who habitually say they will come to things they probably have no intention of coming to are a pain.so much better to be honest.

Why can't you just post a really clear message on the WhatsApp group?

"Hey guys, I really appreciate all your attempts to be flexible with the stuff you arrange during the week, but I don't think I've been very clear. I love you all dearly and really enjoy a good catch up at the weekends, but during the week I'm just too tired and my social battery is empty. I can't do a good job at work without down time in the evenings.

Crack on with your mid week meet ups without me - I'll look forward to hearing about them when we meet up on a weekend."

Fair enough, I guess all you can do is continue saying you all go ahead with the takeaway and that you are really looking forward to the lunch in December.

Are you happy with the daily whatsapping?

You’re getting a lot of signals here that if the friendships are important to you you need to put some effort in.

I think there is a difference in setting boundaries and acting like royalty with your subjects acceptong what crumbs you throw ie boundaries or people giving up over tme

I wonder if its the whole group who are nagging and eyerolling or if its one or two people? I have been in a similar group and people were free to opt in or out according to what their lives looked like at the time. Everybody was aware that XXX didn't do weekends and YYY cared for an elderly parent month and month about with their sibling and so on. I find the nagging and eyerolling quite strange and controlling.

why is it acting like royalty to say that your life doesn't allow weekday evening meet ups?

I'm flabbergasted that anyone with a full-time job would want to get home from work and go out again!!! Do people do this?

I've practically took my bra off and got into my lounge gear before I've walked through the door!

Didn't know this was a thing.

Certainly people I know who work full time, don't do weekdays.

Same here and that her friends are being demanding over it !?
I've never, ever gone out after work .
Home from work then bath pj's, dinner, TV and bed.
There are animals and also I had young children .
Now Im older I just want to relax
I dont drink so possibly that's part of it ??

Oh yes. I rarely work 9-5 but if I did then what the hell would I be doing sat indoors bored all evening

I'm known to finishing at 10 and join friends in pub after

I have a friend who just cannot accept that i don’t go out on a weekday evening ( especially in the winter) i enjoy spending my free time at home doing whatever i please. She is one of these people who needs to be occupied 24/7 and will constantly harass me to meet at the pub or go out to eat etc. its becoming very annoying even though i explain that im happy to do these things at a weekend or during the day ( l work various shifts so no 9-5 and she doesn’t work).

I'm even worse than you, OP, because if I don't want to do something, then I say that.

I don't usually like going out in the week either, but if there's something good at the cinema, or people are going to a restaurant I like, then I'll go. If it's a pub night or a takeaway or a curry night - nah, chances are I'm gonna say no. And if I'm asked why, I say "because I don't want to. Thank you for asking me, but I don't fancy it. Hope you have a great time."

Being at home is never boring.

You can do what you want. But friendships take effort and give and take. Don’t be surprised if you’re left with no friends.

What do you actually do sat at home 5 nights a week out of interest?

I exercise, I clean, I write. I do various hobbies: music practice (woodwind instruments), tarot study/reading, learning Welsh, researching my family tree, knitting, macrame, learning to crochet, zentangling, jigsaws, making YouTube videos, reading. I also walk around 8 miles most days, which of course takes some time out of the evening. And I have cats who need to be groomed.

I tend to listen to podcasts or the radio whilst doing some of these that don't require full concentration, or I 'watch' something on TV that doesn't require me to actually be looking at the screen much.

There's not enough time really - it's why I'm so bad at crochet and Welsh. Well, that's my excuse.

Sat around at home 5 nights a week?! 😂 Fat chance! Most of us are making supper, preparing for the following day, tending to pets, enjoying some quiet time in front of the fire before we go to bed. Exercise a few times a week. In the summer we play tennis and swim in the evenings. I honestly wish I had more time to relax not less.

How odd
I have never gone out after work and neither do my friends
We get on fine 😂

are the ones who nag and side eye actually friends?

Your life sounds amazing! I am kind of jealous you squeeze in so much and I need to up my game.

I am studying at the moment and takes up too much of my time, I feel resentful at times that I can’t do more creative activities 🧶 I will have more time soon.

Maybe some of these pp don’t have children and pets. When I was younger I was always out. I had to adjust when my baby only slept for an hour a night!

I’m the same and happily, so are my friends, so it’s only ever weekend meet ups

Ok so feed myself and the cats. Half hour Max. 20 min shower So under an hour leaving another 6 hours plus to fill

. I don't have tennis courts of swimming pools in my house though so id have to go out for that ( I do swim a couple of times a week but in a public pool)

Sitting in silence in front of a fire us hardly riveting either tnh

I have children and go out on weeknights (2 this week, and a weekend...) I also do volunteer thing that's typically 1 or 2 schoolnights a week and DH and I both do evening sports. That's not odd, most of our friends are the same. Got a busy, senior job as well.

OP I think you're acting like the Main Character in this group. Maybe some of them don't always want to do weekends but they do because it works for others. Don't do it but expect you'll lose mates over it.

I disagree. The OP isn't saying "I don't want to so nobody can" What she is doing is declining the options which don't suit her.

The problem is that most people’s weekends are for family and not friends. For a lot of people it is the only time that the family are all off work and school together.

I know in my friendship groups we never book weekends as that is for family time.
Although I work most weekends now