To not pick my teen up from school when they’re ‘ill’

[scaredfriend]

I have recently started a new job that’s an hour away from home and my kids go to schools that are half an hour from home, but in the other direction. They’re teens - 15 and 13.

So far this term (a month in!) each child’s school has called to say my child is feeling unwell and could I collect. I questioned if they were really ill
and was told that the school can’t make that call but I needed to attend and collect them. So I had to excuse myself from work, undertake a 90 min drive to get them (from work to school) and a further 30 mins to get them home, followed by another 60 mins drive to return to work for a couple of hours. And I had to make 1/2 day up by working late for the rest of the week (fair enough).

I picked up DC2 because ‘they were feeling really sick’ only to get home and watch them raid the fridge and put the telly on. DC1 (different day) had a heavy cold but could’ve soldiered on as no temp, just snotty and coughing. They have paracetamol etc in their bag. Again I had to take hours away from my desk and make the time up for the second time in as many weeks. Not great.

School phoned again today. DC1 ‘is feeling dizzy’. I responded by saying that I really can’t leave work and so could school allow my DC to sit in the medical room / office until the end of the school day if they’re not well enough to go to the lesson. The reply was no - I need to collect.

I really don’t remember ever leaving school unwell when I was a similar age. Probably because it was pre mobile phones and difficult to contact my parents to collect during the day. But I do remember sitting on the sofas in the medical room with a blanket when I felt really rough. Lots of us did that.

School won’t allow children to leave without being collected - so even if I said ok, send them home, they can’t walk to the bus and get themselves home (as they would otherwise do at the end of the day). I have to leave work to collect.

AIBU? I’d understand for small children but I think my teens would be fine to stay in school.

Honestly, schools are damned if they do and damned if they don't.
At 13 and 15, your kids are old enough to know how to deal with a cold, a dizzy spell, or feeling a bit sick. Tell them not to go to the office with symptoms like this unless they are feeling exceptionally bad.

If they have gone to the office regarding this, then it's not unreasonable for the office to contact you. The admin staff are not doctors, it's not up to them to decide exactly how ill a child is, or to look after the child for the rest of the school day.

Safeguarding apparently. In case they take a turn for the worse when they aren’t under adult supervision. I think it’s bonkers…

But what if something did happen? Then the school would get it in the neck for allowing a child to go home alone while ill.

I picked up DC2 because ‘they were feeling really sick’ only to get home and watch them raid the fridge and put the telly on. Why the hell did you allow this? When my kids were sick enough to be home from school, they had to stay in bed, no phones, no tv. Certainly no raiding of the fridge.

I'm not saying it's easy for working parents, but this is a problem with your kids, not with the school policy. Sit them down and explain to them that is not possible for you to collect them from school unless they are at death's door, and that they will just have to get on with it.

If DC says they are dizzy, the school may be thinking, DC could fall over or fall down the stairs. If DC then suffered an injury (and DD1 suffered a broken elbow and collarbone from falling down a half flight of our carpeted stairs at home; and separately broke her fibula, as she fell from standing onto a carpet), then the parents could blame the school; and would anyway face more time off work, taking DC to A & E and looking after them at home?

Schools aren’t mind readers. If a school disregarded DC saying they were ill, and in fact DC was seriously ill (given junior doctors in A & E get this wrong), the school would be accused of neglect?

Also OP, who do you think would be looking after DC at school, if you don’t want to pick up DC? Schools are notoriously short staffed - just read all the threads of parents complaining about disruptive children, ruining their DC’s education, and how that child with SEN, whatever should have TA support 1:1, but there is no funding for one.

I think you need to talk to your children and explain that your employer does not take it well when you leave in the middle of the day to collect slightly unwell children from school. If you have a copy of your work contract to hand show them about disciplinary for lateness or absence. They need to understand you can't be at their beck and call as much as you like. If you lost your job then getting another one would be more difficult because the reference from your previous employer wouldn't be saying yes she is great would they?

My children's school would only ring a parent if the child had been sick and it was evidenced, or had a high fever or clearly very unwell.

I think that you need to have firm words with your children again and reiterate that they aren’t to go to the office to ring home (or whatever their system is) unless they really are feeling too unwell and not just a bit dizzy. Sending your child in with a heavy cough and cold was a bit silly because not only will they be spreading their germs around, they were probably feeling really rough.
As your DH is out of the country, is it possible to add grandparents or other relatives that are closer to the school to the emergency contact list?
People saying they just don’t answer the phone or refuse to pick up are bloody annoying.
At my old school (infants) we had children who looked pale and ill and we’d just shake our heads in despair that parents wouldn’t come and collect their ill child! The office wasn’t large enough to have random children sitting there, let alone safeguarding and privacy if the office staff are discussing anything with others, so either the child would just sit in the book corner, or the TA would have to sit somewhere with them, meaning the rest of the class lost their TA.
I know that’s different to a secondary school but the sentiment is the same.
But bottom line is, your children are made acutely aware than they can’t come home so frequently unless they’re really ill.

I agree with you! But it seems a bit unfair that the school are putting the entire burden onto parents - calling them to collect as soon as a child complains of minor illness symptoms, rather than assessing whether the child is actually ill enough to need to leave school. They are supposed to be 'in loco parentis' so a staff member could equally encourage a child to take paracetomol or have a drink or whatever.
I think that most parents would be bollocking their children if they were unnecessarily spending days in a sick room instead of getting on with learning.

If the kid is ill it must feel shit being in school

could you call an Uber to collect them and get them home? or a friend/ neighbour?

This comes across to me as another expectation that schools are there to perform a babysitting function to enable parents to work.
Parent your kids ffs. Either tell them to stop faking, or collect them without complaint, or pay someone more local, authorise their name to the school, to step in and collect them as required.

But putting this all on the school is outrageously entitled. School is not a baby sitting service or a parent replacement, they are not qualified medical staff, they don't always have capacity or people to keep checking in with a sick child. They also have a duty of care to the whole school community and don't want kids staying in school and infecting others (including staff) with their bugs.

Also, looking at the logistics of your commute and school journeys, which was your first concern, that's on you not the school. They didn't plan your life. Why should they make concessions just because of your personal inconvenience?

Parent your kids ffs.

From what I can remember, I went home twice ill from school. Both times in primary school, never in secondary.

First time, Year 1. The evening before I'd fallen face first off my bike, no helmet, and planted straight onto the pavement. Heavy nosebleed, a good bruise. Sent to school the next day, a bit aggrieved because I felt like I deserved more sympathy, but was honestly basically okay. Played up to my teacher about my nose hurting, and was sent home.
Final time, Year 6. Genuinely felt really rough and queasy. In the end I just got up from my seat, in floods of silent tears and legged it out the door. I still remember the look of confusion on my friend Bonnie's face as I pushed past her!

Ran to the toilets. My male teacher couldn't really follow me in, so sent my friend Michelle after me to get me out. He sat me down, what was I upset about? Worried about anything? Nope, just felt like absolute TURD. Sent home.

Never got sent home from secondary. Don't think it ever crossed my mind, and I wouldn't have known how to go about it either! I'm sure there were occasions I felt grim, but I just powered on.

If I rang up the school im the morning and said that DC was not coming in that day because of a bit of a cold or similar, the attendance officer would be on my case to send them in to soldier on. But it seems once the register has a tick on it, they are happy to send home for absolutely anything. The double standard irks me. Be unavailable - there is no need to be constantly contactable. In a genuine emergency you will get the message. And if you stop flying in to rescue restless teenagers, they will get the message and stop abusing the system.

What a giant pain in the bum.

However, since aged about 8, if DC are at home sick, there are no electrics: go to bed and sleep/read/play with Lego - whatever, age appropriate. They're now mid-seciondary age, and being home sick is boring as fuck: no phone, no tablet, no netflix. Also no fancy treats: steamed veg, rice, bread, boiled egg, water....

Consequently they never bunk off.

DH works from home, I work evenings but have preparation to do at home in the morning, plus housework etc. DC can join in with hoovering or hanging wet laundry if they're bored.

I think it’s on you to sort with your kids, sorry.
You could clarify the policy with the school but nothing school could do if they were putting a high level of performance (talking from experience). And schools don't have medical rooms or extra staff anymore, or blankets - it’s the luxury of the olden days.
I would actually disagree with you about DC1, cold could be very unpleasant and disruptive ( imagine someone’s coughing non stop)
I had a cold a few days ago, took paracetamol and even so couldn’t follow online workshop and I was at home, so I would cut them some slack.
DC2 would be on their last warning though…

Also in our house the policy was that in that case you go to bed, no clubs/ outings/ etc. on that day and you needed to do all related topic work or homework over weekend.

Schools cannot just tell teenagers to take medicines like that!

So from a different perspective - my mom was a single parent and I knew she'd get in huge trouble with work if she needed to come get me at school.

One time I just couldn't manage it in class as I was feeling horrible (nausea, dizziness, the works) and went to the nurse to lie down for an hour, which was allowed. After a bit, I actually passed out and had to be taken to the hospital, if the nurse wasn't there I would have probably not made it.

Don't answer the phone

Make sure DC have money to get a cab home themselves if so ill they can't stay at school. My mother would have absolutely roasted me if I'd done this at age 15.

OP, your kids are sick. Deal with it and look after them.
My kids are both at secondary school too. I would never in a million years accept a job that's a 90 minute drive away from school for this very reason. The problem is not your kids feeling ill. The problem is not school refusing to take on sick childcare arrangements. The problem is you working 90 minutes away. And your job location is not the school's problem and it is certainly not your DC's problem.
I can't believe all these people saying they tell their kids' school "no" to collecting their kids if they're sick!
Someone said they say to school "No I'm in meetings all day"!
Someone saying "Turn your phone off"!
WTF?!?
School is not bloody childcare! It's an education system! If the kid is too unwell to be in class learning, then they need to be collected and taken home!
Secondary schools don't have a budget to employ staff to look after them in a sick bay!!
Which idiot on here asked where the school nurse was?! Oh my God, what planet are you living on?!
And I can't believe people are saying it's wrong to not let teenagers just walk out of school alone when they're ill.
WTF?
You are shocked by this??
So imagine a sick kid gets told by school "Yeah go on then, off you go, we won't bother waiting for your parent to collect you, just go" and then the kid doesn't go home, or goes home to an empty house and is really ill alone indoors, or even worse goes missing. I mean, newsflash, teenagers are still children. They still need looking after. Schools have a legal responsibility for their safety and welfare. You honestly think schools should just let them walk out alone in the middle of the day whilst ill? Imagine the mumsnet threads "My DC was vomiting in the street alone with a temperature of 39c at 11am this morning after walking home from school on their own feeling ill!". There would be 1,000 replies telling OP to report school to Ofsted!
Here's a tip for some of the posters on here: When you have a baby, you're responsible for looking after them for 18 years solid. If you feel like you'll be done with the whole 'looking after' parental responsibility by 13 years down the line, then don't have a baby.
I am incredulous at the never-ending sheer level of idiocy displayed by 'parents' on this forum.

Also - send them with a paracetamol in their bag and instructions to take it and give it time to work etc. As a teen i had a bag of sanitary stuff & it always had medicine in it

My kids are both at secondary school too. I would never in a million years accept a job that's a 90 minute drive away from school for this very reason.

Meanwhile in RL millions of people have primary age DC and commute in to london for work. If I'm called home for my DC it could take 1.5 hours. The school know most parents are in this situation and will only really ring if your child is vomiting.

I think you need to work on your children here to be honest. My kids have never done this and I’d be very unimpressed with them if they’d had. I think the school has a duty of care responsibility to pass on ill children - they aren’t going to faff around with figuring out if they’re lying, that’s a parenting issue.

But my kids’ schools don’t have school nurses or a room to spare for not sick enough to get picked up children so maybe I just don’t understand that concept. Who would watch your child lying around in a room and how would anyone know if it was something serious? Your children need to stop doing this or they need to tell you they aren’t well before going to school - they’re old enough to know by now.

I had a friend who was a psychiatrist and his wife a doctor in another field. He got a call one day to ask if he could pick up his son ( junior school age). He flatly refused, said he had a clinic full of patients and his wife was out of the area.

school had no choice but to keep him. 🤷‍♀️

I had a phone call when my son was in Year 8, to say he was unwell. I told them that he could walk home by himself (we live within walking distance) and they were more than happy for him to do that, as I'd given permission. Is it a general rule that a child must be collected if they are unwell, or is it because your child needs to get a bus home? Personally, I'd have said, that as long as you have given permission, and your child is able, then they could have made their own way home. If you were to say I'm sorry, No, I can't collect, what can they realistically do???!!! Either your child stays in the medical room or is sent back to class! I appreciate your children felt unwell, but they need a talking to about the threshold you consider their illness to be before they should be going to medical! My son's school won't call for a cough/cold type illness unless the child has a high temperature! Obviously they would for a stomach bug. My son's secondary school do seem tough on illnesses, when it comes to medical, my son says 'you need to be half dead before they'll call home'!!! Clearly you children's school have a much lower threshold for calling parents, and you can't change that. All you can do is lay the law down to your children, explaining the implications of you having to come home, when actually they could have managed at school.

Not so much an idiot in our local comprehensive where we are lucky to have a school nurse. My daughter has t1d and can go and sit there to recover from a low before going back to class with a professional to watch over her which is very reassuring.

This really comes down to do you trust your kids and how you feel about them feeling unwell. I can’t imagine my child lying about feeling dizzy so I would go collect

You need to tell your kids that this is impacting your work, and if they want nice things they need to stop getting the school to ring you to collect them & soilder on unless they are actually being sick.
I mean seriously wanting to go home over a bit of dizziness? complete dc problem.

In this situation I had my phone directed to voicemail. I would check it and pick up DCs when needed, but dizziness? come on. For me as well, notably they had mine and DHs contacts. He worked more locally, but they never called him.

My son’s secondary school will let them leave and walk themselves home as long as the child is well enough to do that and they have spoken the parent to confirm this is allowed. I don’t understand why your kids school wouldn’t let them make their own way home at those ages.

I appreciate it’s an inconvenience, but presumably you knew the school policy on sending home sick. If it happens again, could you ask your boss if you can finish off your working day at home? I find it mad that you chose a school 90 mins away from your workplace, assuming there were choices available closer to work, but I’m sure there were logical reasons at the time. Is this really the only time it’s come up?