To not pick my teen up from school when they’re ‘ill’

[scaredfriend]

I have recently started a new job that’s an hour away from home and my kids go to schools that are half an hour from home, but in the other direction. They’re teens - 15 and 13.

So far this term (a month in!) each child’s school has called to say my child is feeling unwell and could I collect. I questioned if they were really ill
and was told that the school can’t make that call but I needed to attend and collect them. So I had to excuse myself from work, undertake a 90 min drive to get them (from work to school) and a further 30 mins to get them home, followed by another 60 mins drive to return to work for a couple of hours. And I had to make 1/2 day up by working late for the rest of the week (fair enough).

I picked up DC2 because ‘they were feeling really sick’ only to get home and watch them raid the fridge and put the telly on. DC1 (different day) had a heavy cold but could’ve soldiered on as no temp, just snotty and coughing. They have paracetamol etc in their bag. Again I had to take hours away from my desk and make the time up for the second time in as many weeks. Not great.

School phoned again today. DC1 ‘is feeling dizzy’. I responded by saying that I really can’t leave work and so could school allow my DC to sit in the medical room / office until the end of the school day if they’re not well enough to go to the lesson. The reply was no - I need to collect.

I really don’t remember ever leaving school unwell when I was a similar age. Probably because it was pre mobile phones and difficult to contact my parents to collect during the day. But I do remember sitting on the sofas in the medical room with a blanket when I felt really rough. Lots of us did that.

School won’t allow children to leave without being collected - so even if I said ok, send them home, they can’t walk to the bus and get themselves home (as they would otherwise do at the end of the day). I have to leave work to collect.

AIBU? I’d understand for small children but I think my teens would be fine to stay in school.

I really don’t remember ever leaving school unwell when I was a similar age

The staffing of schools isn’t the same anymore, though. Rare to have a school nurse these days, or anyone trained more than basic first aid. If there’s a medical room, it’s staffed on a rotating basis by a random member of non-teaching staff with no medical training. You can’t leave a poorly child unsupervised, imagine the law suits!, so it would take a member of staff out for the whole day to supervise a sick child while you carry on with your job. If there’s no medical room, I’ve seen poorly children sat on a chair in the hallway outside the office. It’s a shit situation of a kids really poorly.

How long are ago are you talking about? By the 1980s, the vast majority of households had a home phone. And as you said, even those who didn’t, still asked for some kind of emergency contact. It’s also worth noting that kids went to school much closer to home, and mothers were less likely to work. Most of my friends at school went home for lunch.

As with every other “what did they do back when…..” the answer is largely irrelevant because a whole bunch of other circumstances have changed and most often, policies are changed because they weren’t working or there was a risk. Nobody likes change and what is an absolute guarantee is, if what used to happen still worked today, it would not have changed.

Is there anyone else that could collect them if the school insist they are ill? Could a grandparent collect them (even if you have to pay for a taxi each way? Or a friend or neighbour? Your teens might be less likely to exaggerate illness if they think they will just have to sit in grandma's house all day bored to tears with no tech to occupy them.

About a decade ago, an incident like that was actually in our local paper. Kid who'd felt dizzy passed out on the walk home, and turned out to be really ill. The school got absolutely slaughtered for it.

God I remember being sent home with the flu once. I’d been feeling a bit ropey in the morning but nothing terrible and certainly not bad enough to stay off. And it just came over me really quickly. I spent morning playtime on the floor of the toilet block. I remember my dad being really grumbly about coming to get me until he actually saw me 😂

But that's a 9 year old who's banged her head on concrete. I hope most of us wouldn't argue against picking this child up especially if school thought she was unwell. What on earth does it have to do with a teenager who's a bit queesy then comes home and scoffs the contents of your fridge though? I'd bollock my 7 year old for that never mind a teenager

Love this! Very clear boundaries!

Loads of people dimly confusing "seat of learning" for "medical centre" is not what I was expecting today.

I guess the point is it isn’t a chance I would take. And if the kid is at it then that’s a parenting issue. It’s not the schools call to make.

I work in a school.

We have to believe each child. If they say they feel sick, we believe them. Not worth taking the risk and missing something important.
The medical rooms are only a set size. We can't have more than one pupil in the room at any one time. My school is tiny and if we have more than a couple of kids feeling unwell, we have no where to put them so they need to go home.
We always try and see if we can help before calling home. Offerings food, water, rest, first aid if needed. We also call parents for permission to administer paracetamol etc. we do try and "wait and see", but if the child keep telling us the don't feel better, they need to go home. It's not fair on the kid, the staff, the other learners if we force them to stay in school. Ultimately, they are your child and you need to look after them.
We will not let a poorly child leave school on their own. What if they got worse? Passed out? Had an accident? It would be knowingly letting a vulnerable minor be in a potentially unsafe situation.

I hate it when parents don't come for their kids. Just makes me feel sad for them. And yes, I do have my own kids so I know the pressure of being a working parent.

Can you either tell them you want to speak to your child, and judge if they're actually ill? Or tell them you're working in [City 4 hours away] today and you'll be back to 2 then get stuck in traffic

I have had words with my 15yo about this. In fairness he does have a medical condition thst causes excess stomach acid / acid reflux. This is easily controlled by taking a pill a day which is a combined antacid / steroid. However sometimes he will forget for a few days then will start with a cough / acid reflux then pop to office to say had been sick so they call me.

You are not the arsehole!! I have a child that made the school ring me every single day when she found out that children arnt allowed to stay at school if sick. I am 30mins from the school and had babies at home or i would be at appointments 1 and a half hours away in another town and I would get the call to go pick her up , it was a joke and said child did not give a f@#k. In the end I told the school I would be turning my phone off if they continued to ring me over and over again and that they were no longer allowed to contact me about said child unless she actually passed out or was vomiting. I no longer get calls for that child unless its for a good reason.

My kids school won’t send them home under any circumstances as far as I know. It means if a child’s feeling touch and go in the morning There’s not an option of going in and potentially coming home if they feel worse (If I’m working at home and able to collect them).

I think they have to resemble nearly Headless Nick before there be allowed to leave…

Schools do not just want to send kids home sick this is down to your kids insisting that they are too ill to stay at school and that means you get called . Schools can’t win , they get whiners like you and then also get parents moaning that their little darling was made to stay in school all day when he was sick . Sort it out with your kids.

I get it's tough on you, but schools aren't qualified to make medical decisions. No doubt their decision is also based on risk assessment and what the worst case scenario could be. Even if they think a child is faking, there's the off chance they may be telling the truth, and if the child had another dizzy spell and fainted in the middle of the road when on the way home, for example, the school may be liable.

I don't think it's unreasonable of you to ask them to work with you on attendance though, by monitoring the situation and calling you again if your child's health actually deteriorates. Have they explained why that's not possible? Do they have time? Is there really a suitable place for sick kids to rest/wait to be collected? (DS's school policy claims there is, but the reality is, sick kids sit in the front office until they either feel well enough to go back to class or a parent picks them up. There is literally no other space for them to be.)

I would just tell school I was in London/Leeds/Newcastle for work and would leave immediately. Will be there in three/four hours.

Sorry, I was scrolling down and clicked on ‘you are being unreasonable’ by accident and I can’t change it. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I’m surprised in this day and age of attendance being the be all and end all that the school is willing to send kids home who are not at death’s door.

When my oldest was at primary school he had an issue that he vomited for no known reason. I think it took him by surprise when younger but as he got older he learned to make himself sick when he wanted to get out of school. I got a doctor’s letter in the end to say if he vomited with no other sign of being unwell he was allowed to stay in school. A couple of times I had to remind the school of this when they rang me to say he needed to be picked up, and I did refuse to come and get him. Funnily enough once it was no longer getting him out of school he stopped doing it.

Insisting that a teenager is picked up just because they’ve said they ‘feel dizzy’ is ridiculous. Surely loads of kids would use that as a way to get out of school if they learn that works. At the very least I would be asking to speak to my child to establish whether they feel so ill they need me to pick them up so they can come home and go to bed with no TV or devices, so they can get some sleep and get better. And if they don’t fell bad enough to go home to do that then they need to get themselves back to class sharpish.

What a way to give children complexes about being sick and teach them to ignore warning signs...

Your children are piss takers.
I would be telling them that they will both be missing a weekend activity for dragging you out of work. You waste my time, I'll waste yours.
And tell the school not to call you unless seriously injured, projectile vomiting, unconscious or if an A&E visit is needed, as you won't be coming in.

Your problem is your DC, not the school. Your teenagers are old enough to understand how difficult they are making your life, and should know they mustn’t tell the school they need to come home unless they are really really ill. If they get home and raid the fridge they are not really really ill and should have soldiered on at school. (Sorry but I can’t help wondering if you let them stay at home for minor 'illnesses' when they were younger, and they’ve got into the habit.)

Yea that’s ridiculous. But it’s your kids that need challenging not the school - their policy is their policy. Our school has a nurse in site and she was pretty savvy and would suss out if there was an issue with a particular class or person the child was trying to avoid, would either send them back or let them sit in the office for a bit. She’d always encourage them to go back to class. If they insisted or did seem genuinely ill of course she called a parent, but more often than not they went to their next class.

My Autistic 17 year old had a severe nosebleed and felt dizzy.
(no distress, no fall, no banging of head, fully verbal and ok just lots of blood)
I was walking into a Consultant Cardiology appointment when called to collect.
I was told 'if you are not here in 20 mins we will call an Ambulance' (eh?)
I needed that appt to go ahead. I wish I had called their bluff but didn't want to waste Ambulance time (nor for Dd to be further stressed by Ambo trip)

Conversely, some years back the school my Ds was at, age 16, at afterschool drama group. School 20miles from home winter evening, getting a lift home with a very kind passing staff member. I got a call to say: 'why didn't you tell us he is Epileptic, he is fitting, should we call an Ambulance or will you just collect him?'.
I said 'he's not epileptic, but Yes, if he is Fitting, call Ambulance. I'm on my way'.
Took me 30 mins N up the A1, met Ambulance than 1hr S to Newcastle hospital.
Cue lots of tests at hospital. Transpired he'd suffered a lot more bullying there than they had admitted (hence the later diagnosis of non-epileptic seizure disorder which mimicked but fortunately wasn't epilepsy). I removed him.

Sorry OP that clearly hit a historic nerve for me.
I think your teens should know what a HUGE difficulty this is for you and be told that they only ask to come home if they are REALLY ill not for minor sniffles etc.

Your dc lying is a problem for you - stop them lying to the school and you'll not have that problem any longer

possibly if they don't get something of monetary value as you lost wages due to this behaviour they may get the message - dock their pocket money