To refuse to ask son to leave?

[Dishwater]

Please don’t post on social media as it is too outing.

Ok, this is long - sorry.

I am really struggling with this and would like to see how other people would deal with this situation.

i have a 19 year old son. I will give some background to try and be fair to all the people involved because it isn’t as straightforward (I think) because of some of these details. My son isn’t my partners but he hasn’t seen his own Dad in a number of years. My son has been difficult. He is exceptionally messy and selfish. In our previous home he completely hoarded rubbish in his room to the point it attracted bugs and furniture and walls were damaged which I know is really bad( this happened several times despite my please to improve / going in and helping / getting cross etc). Since we moved house I go into his room daily and he has improved some but likewise I take out any rubbish and grab his washing and generally tidy around. My partner hasn’t really gotten over my son having some friends around when we were away for 2 nights a year ago because some of partners things were damaged - sporting equipment. Son denied this initially, I asked him to leave temporarily because it wasn’t pleasant and he stayed at a friends but his birthday was coming up and I felt awful that he wasn’t at home so agreed that he could come back. My partner really just gets annoyed by everything my son does so I have spent years cleaning up after him before my partner sees any mess and it’s really taken its toll. Please don’t think I haven’t asked son to be more careful when doing certain things - wipe up after cooking, don’t use metal utensils on non scratch pans etc etc. but it does feel like I’m constantly moaning at him and I’m not sure if some of the smaller things would bother me quite as much as it bothers my partner, I know teenagers are messy etc. my son is also quite disrespectful at times, he will not answer me if he doesn’t like something I say but he has never sworn at me or said he hates me or anything like I sometimes see others say about their teenagers.

When we moved house I sat down and asked my partner what we needed to do to improve things so that he felt better about things, he said we should ask for a financial contribution and ask son to be tidier. My son wasn’t working FT so didn’t really have money at all, a very small amount. Son has now got a FT jobs so I approached the subject with him a few days ago (did post for advice on here) and son was receptive but we haven’t set an amount yet because h wasn’t home for 7 weeks.

Fast forward to last night, son went out with friends and came home around 9.30pm, partner went into the kitchen and came back agitated and said ‘there might be bugs in the kitchen, I’ve had to open the window, he is cooking and all the windows are steamed up, I see we’re back to being a free hotel again.’ And then he said he was going for a walk, no shouting but clearly very upset. I asked him what he wants me to do? Do you want a curfew for cooking? Do you want me to insist that I do the cooking for son? I told him he was going to contribute financially and he just said ‘I just want peace and stability, this isn’t for me.’ I think he’s referring to the fact that just doesn’t want him here to be honest. My son has a GF that he spent 7 weeks with without coming home. Before that he was spending 3-4 nights at home and the rest at his GF’s so I think that’s stopped this problem arising again because it’s just been short stints of having him. I have also told my son that it is difficult when we don’t know when he’s coming and going and I would be happy to say that he has to give us his schedule. (This is true but I think maybe it’s because I’m so anxious that my partner will be pissed off that’s I’m not even actually sure how I feel about it anymore) I am upset and a little angry that my partner is barely speaking to me because I haven’t actually done anything wrong! It doesn’t feel like much of a team if I have to shoulder the burden and blame. I’ve told him numerous times to just say to son ‘please put the extractor on.’ Or appropriate things as and when he sees something that is bothering him but he doesn’t.

I have two younger children with my partner, one is disabled, I do completely understand why my partner finds this situation difficult. But at 19 I can’t just ask my son to leave home can I? What can I actually do? Other than ask for a contribution and continually remind son to be tidier. I don’t think my partner will be happy while we he’s here to be honest (he is self aware enough to know he can’t outwardly say make he wants me to ask him to leave.)

I should add that I do a lot for my partner, I think that’s relevant because it’s not like he’s got all his life together if you know what I mean. I cook every meal, wash every pot, I don’t get on at him when he’s messy etc. But then I should also add that my partner gave my son his first car and could have sold it so I feel so conflicted about it all. I’m also not really happy with son coming and going but I can definitely put my foot down but I haven’t because I think I know deep down that my partner still wouldn’t be happy.

It’s my house btw but there’s no way my partner could afford to leave, he has a lot of debt.

I really don’t know what to do here. Partner and I get along well when son isn’t here but he’s my child at the end of the day.

Any words of wisdom?

One: It’s your house not his, and you are not married to your partner. Two: Your son is a working adult. I’d get rid of both frankly. You’d be happier, and more peaceful, with more quality time for your other kids. I wouldn’t put up with your son’s shit, and your partner sounds like a sponger too.

OP, several posters - me included - have pointed out that your P sounds like a bully who will only be happy when your son is out of his life.

It sounds as though he has belittled and put down your DS for years. I've got two teens - I know how they can be - but they NEED love, support and guidance, even in their worst moments. Your DS does NOT sound like a complete nightmare. God knows kids his age can be up to a lot worse that his 'crimes.'

You really, really, really need to start putting your son first. Your P sounds absolutely horrible.

I'm 48. My mum left me for a boyfriend at 17 and I thought I was coping. All these years on, I cannot forgive her for not putting me first. It destroyed my self esteem and led to so many dark times. Our relationship is distant, coolly polite, but basically crap.

It's not too late for you , but you HAVE to put your child first right now.

Was going to say this. Lazy, rude son, partner in debt. Both living in your house! Get them both out.

No wonder he’s got hoarding problems. Hes trying to make himself safe

I developed hoarding issues when my mother ditched me. It was the first thing that I thought when I read the thread.

Did it occur to you, OP, that the hoarding is an emotional reaction to some level of trauma or failure to cope? It very often is.

So...

Your son's dad left when he was just 5 years old.

His dad hates you. I'm sure your son felt that or even heard that for most of his life.

His mum re-partnered, moved a new dad in.

Your son and his step dad's relationship "wasn't strong but wasn't bitter". So... cold? Not loving? Very superficial? Be honest with yourself.

His mum had 2 morebabies. Who I'm sure are shown a lot of love. And take time away from him.

One sibling has disabilities. So takes even more time from your son.

Your son is then diagnosed with mental health problems.

Your son's relationship with his dad falls apart.

His step dad openly hates him, nags him, criticises everything.

Some belongings get damaged, probablyby accident. His mum KICKS HIM OUT, as just a 17yo.

Your son finds a girlfriend who (presumably) shows him love and respect, yet when he spends time with her, he's criticised.

When he comes home, he's criticised.

And you wonder why he has issues and isn't managing his day to day life??

And THEN, you think a possible solution to this mess is to KICK HIM OUT. AGAIN??

Come on OP.

FYI I'm not saying this to guilt you, not even all of those things are your fault... but don't you see that your son needs help?? There is no way any of this will get better if you keep your prick of a husband in the house. And there's no way any of this will get better if you kick your son out, all that will do is help you and your prick of a husband ignore the problem (ignore your son). Your son will still be struggling, just at a different address.

You need to prioritise your son. He needs your help and support to work on himself and his life skills, and he's not going to get that when your dickhead husband is around, firstly because he's an abusive dickhead, and secondly because he turns you into an anxious mess.

Tell your husband that you've thought about his suggestion to leave, and that you think it's a good idea, and that he should start packing.

You have a son who is finding life hard. He doesn't feel welcome in his own home for being a teenager - messy and selfish, which is a very sad situation, so is staying away as much as possible, but I suspect is gf don't want him full time either.

Then there is you. Trying to keep your son happy and your partner happy and you are never going to win.

Then there is your partner who is supposed to be the mature adult making childish comments and passive aggressively nit picking on your son and you just making things worse because he knows you will pander to him.

It is your job as a parent to support, mentor and encourage your teen. It is also your job to protect them. Unfortunately in this case you need to protect him from your partner.

I asked him what he wants me to do?

Start "telling" you partner and stop asking. Tell him this is your sons home, he is a teenager in a blended family which is always difficult for teens, and still a work in progress and you will not tolerate him being made to feel unwelcome in his own home. He signed up for this, your son was always going to be a teenager at some point, and if he can't be the man you expect him to be and deserve, if he is not going to support you and your son like a family, or feels "this isn’t for me" then tell him he knows where the door is.

What you partner is doing is pathetic, but sadly also damaging for your son, and the rest of the family.

Oh my goodness my jaw dropped reading this. Your partner is an oppressive unreasonable bully! Objecting to someone boiling eggs at 9.30 pm without the extractor fan on? Trying to drive a young person who has had mental health issues out of his home?

How have you not noticed this pattern OP?

Honestly your son sounds pretty normal to me for his age - in fact there are signs in what you say of a sensible young man potentially emerging. (Teenage boys’ bedrooms are pretty horrendous- you have to choose whether to clean up after them or to consign one room to squalor. But it does not stay like this as they grow older.)

Rather it is your partner’s behaviour that sounds deeply concerning, not only to your son but to you. Your updates in particular suggest that you are walking on eggshells around him. This is really shocking.

If you stay with him, how do you envisage this playing out when your other children are older? Let alone the consequences for your older son!

I very much hope you will prioritise your son not this aggressive bullying man. Certainly do not ask your son to leave!

My impression is that the person who urgently needs to leave - to enable you to recover autonomy and confidence- is your ‘partner’. (In quotes because a domineering bully is not a partner.) I appreciate you may not have the confidence yet to make him leave - so I would urge you to look up the Freedom Programme and start reading about in online.

You are living with the Dominator OP- a bully who thrives on frightening you through his moods and unreasonable unpredictable demands and hostility to those you love. This is the problem, not your fairly normal if lazy & irritating son. It will not get better.

You seem to be carrying everyone here.

You need to be the one making the decisions because you are the only sensible one. Stop listening to your partner. He can't manage his own life, never mind anyone else's.

Hoarding rubbish is very much indicative of mental health issues. I feel sorry for your son.

Laying down the law while living in your partners house, having a lot of debt and no means to support yourself independently is very much indicative of being a cocklodger. I feel sorry for you.

Your partner wants your son gone because he only wants you to skivvy for him. This isn't a partnership, it's a grown man who can't even wash a pot.

I think you would be better off telling your partner to move out and then dealing with your son.

I have read the thread and all your comments Op.

To put things succinctly, your ‘partner’ is a complete waster.

There is a theory that the people who we struggle to like are really like ourselves, and they cast light on our worst faults. I think that could be true in this case, although I doubt your partner has the intelligence to think this through.

Your son is behaving badly , but , he has been, and always will be your son. Your partner, like your Ex , does not have to be a permanent feature.

Kick your partner out. His debts are his problem.

Set some boundaries for your son. However, I think the very act of ditching your partner will, in itself, improve his behaviour.

I had a situation similar to this son moved home from uni has only ever met current partner of 5 years briefly and spent afew hours here and there with him, partner always knew I had a son and his dad was dead thus not giving a option of any one else offering him a home or support, I always said when he finish uni he will have to come home to me to us, if he was rude disrespect then I would tell him, it had its difficulties him moving into a small two bed house but my partner never once criticised or had a go at son, highlighting on occasions the late night cooking etc, staying in his room chatting late, I simply had words with him and it helped a year later he has left home now but I certainly would not have accepted partner bulling him or having a go I was very lucky he supported him and was a good step dad to a child he hardly new,
Think hard if you lose Yr son over this you will be devastated

Your partner isn't going to leave - he's got nowhere to go, and he's also got a sweet deal with you paying all the bills (him paying car finance and broadband is NOTHING) and doing all the housework/childrearing.

You have an OH problem. If it was me, I'd kick him out - but I am biased because, like your son, I grew up in a house where my stepdad made it very very clear from an early age that he didn't want me there. I was kicked out as soon as I turned 18. He did not treat his biological son with my mum the same way.

My relationship with my mum has never recovered - hard to forgive her prioritising a man over her own child, something I myself would never do - and it's left me with a legacy of MH problems which I would LOVE to just be able to 'get over' but unfortunately mental health doesn't work that way. I'm back in counselling AGAIN at the age of 50.

So prioritise your son. Your OH sounds like a waste of space tbh.

Thanks everyone. I’m going to treat the issues as separately as I can. I am going to have written ground rules for my son who I do find difficult (of course I didn’t write everything in the post because it would be a novel) but try and build our relationship.

Partner can choose if he wants to leave when son is here but yes I will tell him that my son isn’t being removed and that I don’t want to hear his complaints if they are minor. I should have added that my partner has never challenged my son, he just comes to me complaining, in fact I have asked that he just speaks to him rather than coming to me but he never has. I don’t want people to think my partner is shouting at him etc although I accept that the moodiness and passive aggressive opening windows etc is just as bad. The only time they had crossed words was when his things were damaged.

Tonight will possibly be the most unpleasant night of my life as I assume partner will come home after work and so will my son and I haven’t really solved any problems.

This !! I’ve got 2 DSs -25 and 17. If either of them had behaved like this I would have hit the roof with them. Yours needs a bloody good warning. Clean up or you’re out.

I don't think your son sounds much worse than I was at that age, OP, but I was never made to feel that my home wasn't my home. It sounds as if both your son and your DP need to do more about the house. You shouldn't be running around after either of them. Nineteen is a good age to be thinking about being independent, but not to be forced out.

@Dishwater You say your son spent 7 weeks at his girlfriend's. How did he manage himself there? Presumably she wasn't cleaning up after him like a toddler, so he is capable of respecting people's spaces? Why then do you need to facilitate his messes?

Sounds like your DS and your DP need a chat. You're stuck in the middle. Can they both sit down together and have an adult conversation? Can they pop out for a beer together? They sound talk between them rather than you being the middle man

This is a conversation I’ve had with my Mum, he must be exactly the same there. I don’t want to make assumptions but perhaps they’re not as bothered about mess? He does buy his own food when he’s there which he doesn’t really do here (he did for a bit) which I’m glad about on one hand but annoyed that he hasn’t done here over the last few days. I think him and his GF are maybe in a separate area of the house. I don’t want to be rude about them because they’re obviously really accommodating and welcoming but I think it might be more of a ‘free for all’?

Why doesn’t your DP address things he is not happy with, with your son? Seems strange as you are all living together as family.

I agree with this.

I think if your son was your partner's child - you wouldn't have told him to leave his own home. You were prioritising your partner.

I think your son has perhaps missed out on having 'just' his mother. And he's been having to walk on eggshells for a very long time.

I don’t think so. I don’t think OH wants to solve it really is my thought because why would he otherwise? I have asked before if we could
talk altogether and OH said he would rather I just sat him down on my own. But then this morning accused me of not telling him anything - son texts me when he’s coming home but I tell OH straight away when I see him or even sometimes text. I can’t win right now, there’s no way to please both of them. I would love them to get along. There been very little ‘arguing’ just my OH coming to me peeved.

This is a good post. I hope it lands with the OP.

I'm glad you're not going to make your son leave again, because of your horrible DP, OP, but you seem to be convinced its all about tidying up and kitchen use at night. Those might be the day to day flashpoints, but there are much more profound issues here.

I feel very, very sorry for your son. I hope you are able to make him feel like he is your priority, after all the shit he's dealt with, what with being such a 'problem' child and all.

Sounds like your DH doesn't like your son. The mess in the old house sounds horrible but sounds like with your help he is on top of that. Would say he should be doing this himself but sounds like you are doing all this for DH and more anyway and he is an even more capable adult.
At least your son is cooking for himself. Coming home at a very reasonable time then putting a few eggs on to boil should be no reason for your DH to kick off. He sounds odd and extremely intolerant.
I'm guessing the having friends here who caused damage was a 1 off innocent and not a regular occurrence?
Your son isn't there half the time and has agreed he will pay towards his keep. Is actually doing cooking himself, he works full time. I would think his destruption is minimal. He doesn't sound like a kid on the right path and not a complete nightmare most would find hard to live with. DH is the 1 that sounds like a nightmare moaning like a child about your sons every move and expecting you pander to him and go up against your son instead

Sounds like there is no pleasing OH and that he is waiting for your son to do the wrong thing again so he can have a moan.

Your son must have noticed the fact that your OH doesn't ever wash dishes or cook for you. What a terrible example this over entitled useless man is. Also what a tosser, coming running to you whining and complaining. I am sure this mans hostility and dislike is very obvious to your son.
Do you love your OH?