To tell pregnant DD we won’t cancel the theatre?

[Yournw]

DD is unfortunately pregnant with her first baby, without a partner. She was in a relationship and mid way through he left her. It’s been awful and we’ve tried our best to be supportive. She was living with her partner but has since moved back to her own home which is in the same town where we live.

She is due to have a c section in 9 days. The due date is a week later so she’s around 36 weeks now.

She is extremely anxious about going into labour and being alone in the house with nobody to take her to hospital. We have obviously said we will do this if that should happen and she can call us.

However..we are supposed to be going to the theatre this Saturday which is around an hour drive away. DD is not happy about this and has asked us not to go so that we are nearby should anything happen. DH is adamant we should go to the theatre and not miss the show. He is strongly of the opinion that she’s in her thirties and can look after herself and if she was to go into labour then the first hour or so isn’t going to make much difference.

DD is now distraught and I feel stuck in the middle. What would you do?!

I think if people were ‘too kind’ to people in need, the world would be a better place!

Sure, but without any info from the OP along those lines, I’m going to side with the clearly vulnerable person (the daughter). Again, with more context, the OP’s side might be more understandable but I can only go off of what’s available!

As far as we know, the daughter has explicitly asked that on this occasion she would like her Mother to be there. OP hasn't said the daughter commands this, that or the other from her. It's this one occasion.

I'm dealing with the facts as we know it. If my daughter, or any woman so scared and obviously needful enough to request my presence or just support by being present I wouldn't hesitate. For a Mother to have a "dilemma" over such a request is just cruel and selfish to me.

The thread title would suggest the OP/Mother is going to the theatre anyway and just wanted people to say how right her decision was so all our opinions mean diddly squat tbh.

As a daughter I probably wouldn't have asked my Mother but I know I wouldn't have had to. She'd have been there. As a Mother same applies.

I think OP is wrong to go theatre but lots on here think she's not wrong. People disagree that's life.

Posters saying "oh the mum won't be able to go anywhere/house arrest etc" is just too ridiculous.

She hasn't requested Op's presence though has she?

She has requested that Op & her husband(?) stay in their house rather than go to the theatre.

No. Im not buying that’s what she meant.

She could have easily said “My daughter is pregnant with her first baby. Unfortunately, her partner had abandoned her”.

But that’s not what she said. Is it?

Her disappointment and judgement is obvious. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have wrote the thread in the first place. She just wanted confirmation from other women that she should go an enjoy the theatre. She doesn’t give a shit about her daughter being in a vulnerable position.

I haven’t read the full thread but have read the OP’s 3 posts and some others.
my second full term baby was disabled and it was an extreme risk for me to go into labour - c-section booked for 35 weeks due to polyhydramnios or however it’s spelled.
My last day of work (5 days before c-section) I suddenly started to bleed.
I was terrified- luckily nothing happened and c-section went ahead as planned.
My first baby was due on 24th December. I remember distinctly PILs insisting we drove to theirs for Christmas as first babies are always late.
On 22 December late afternoon I had a massive placental abruption - no external signs. Still having the Christmas plan btw, I went to the hospital to be told DD was dead. 8 hours later they realised I was haemorrhaging to death internally- I am extremely lucky to be here.
you just don’t know what can happen in late pregnancy, so I say do not go and support your daughter.
I will never forget my DH having to ring PILs to tell them the baby was dead (before full chaos ensued with me) being afraid of interruption of their plans.
It’s just the fucking theatre.

Pedantic much?

OP's daughter is her child. That's the relationship.

I would stay with her. She will be frightened and need her mum in the absence of the baby’s father

If you'd just gone to the theatre without telling anyone your plans, your daughter wouldn't have even realised you weren't at home.

This is common sense. I can't believe many women here are having to share their experiences and point out that things can go wrong so very quickly!

Honestly if this was my mother she could go to the theatre but our relationship would never be the same again. Then again it doesn't sound as though OP is found of her DD unfortunately.

Wow, can't believe you'd prioritise going to the theatre over your own daughter. And to say she's 'unfortunately' pregnant on top of that.

What vile people you both sound.

It will be fine to go to the theatre BUT if she’s distraught I’d cancel or rearrange.

Will you enjoy it knowing she’s upset and worried?

" show up" is a spectrum though isn't it?

The Daughter hasn't asked her mum to be there. Shes asked her not to be an hour away at a theater.
Its not exactly outerspace. Its not impossible to get back.

Shes either got anxiety that needs proper help, feeding into it isn't going to help.
Shes being a drama queen- most likely
Or shes being controlling

Yes, and relates to how great the need is. I’d argue that someone in this woman’s position needs a lot of support so showing up might be more hands on than most adult children might need from their parents.

😂

It’s only an hour away. She can easily ring you. It’s unlikely to happen and even if it did it can take ages.

However, maybe it’s not about what’s most likely to happen or not happen. Or who’s right and who’s wrong.

Maybe it’s about her feeling vunerable and on her own. And so by cancelling the tickets you’re showing her she’s the priority, irrelevant of when she actually goes into labour. I think I’d like to feel that from my mum if I needed it

I have been in this position unfortunately also. It’s the most lonely and scary position to be in and nobody ever thinks it would ever happen to them. It’s terrifying and I would do everything to make her feel just a tiny bit less alone.

Some of these replies are so OTT. It’s quite likely the OP is going to be helping out with childcare and helping her daughter, but she’s apparently a vile person because she considered going to the theatre when her daughter is 36 weeks pregnant.

Like others said OP and her husband could have likely just gone to the theatre and not said a word.

If I was that anxious to be an hour apart from them then I’d go into the town with them and go to a cafe or some place if I couldn’t get a ticket. There are solutions that could be found. Not to mention friends or other relatives visiting.

As far as we are aware then yes it is a one off.

It won't help DD either as that's not how anxiety works. It will reinforce a pattern that becomes more restrictive and harder to break.

Anxiety isn't the same for everyone, and sometimes what is best is that the person doesn't have to go through the stressful scenario.

There's no need for all the exaggeration about house arrest because that's not what she's asking. The daughter is unlikely to get a mental health team by Saturday and if she does it's unlikely that anything at all will change by Saturday.

Fucking hell. Your poor daughter is heavily pregnant, living alone & likely heartbroken after being abandoned by her partner during one of the most vulnerable times of her life. And now she’s having to deal with her parents putting a jolly to the theatre above her feelings and concerns. Honestly, if it was my daughter - she would be my priority & I can say from experience that my mum would drop anything to support me when I need it.

I still think you should bring her along to the show, maybe all the singing and dancing might bring in the labour and you can get the jing bang lot sorted in one night. That’s what I would do. Maybe the show would do her good.

She's being overdramatic. Generations of women had to phone offices far away to get husbands to jump on trains or busses to get home when labour started .

And your knowledgeable expert husband has given birth to how many babies?
Your poor daughter. At a time when she is asking for support, you are nowhere to be seen.