To tell pregnant DD we won’t cancel the theatre?

[Yournw]

DD is unfortunately pregnant with her first baby, without a partner. She was in a relationship and mid way through he left her. It’s been awful and we’ve tried our best to be supportive. She was living with her partner but has since moved back to her own home which is in the same town where we live.

She is due to have a c section in 9 days. The due date is a week later so she’s around 36 weeks now.

She is extremely anxious about going into labour and being alone in the house with nobody to take her to hospital. We have obviously said we will do this if that should happen and she can call us.

However..we are supposed to be going to the theatre this Saturday which is around an hour drive away. DD is not happy about this and has asked us not to go so that we are nearby should anything happen. DH is adamant we should go to the theatre and not miss the show. He is strongly of the opinion that she’s in her thirties and can look after herself and if she was to go into labour then the first hour or so isn’t going to make much difference.

DD is now distraught and I feel stuck in the middle. What would you do?!

It is an afternoon at the theatre, that is all, it is not unkind or selfish. How long has OP had these tickets, how much were they?

I had tickets for Oasis - £150 - I doubt I will ever get the chance to see them again - the OP may have tickets for such a performance.

Yeah I mean, I can see where he’s coming from - a show in a theatre is so much more important than your own daughter about become a mother ‘unfortunately’, is it? Who does she think she is feeling vulnerable and a bit needy when she’s ’unfortunately’ pregnant, especially in her THIRTIES? I mean a quick squat at the side of the road should suffice if push comes to shove.

As much as I sympathise with the anxious DD, OP can’t be expected to put her life completely on hold for weeks to stay firmly by her daughter’s side. Yes, she could go into labour spontaneously and give birth very quickly, but the probability of that is very small. You have to weigh up the risks.

What if OP works an hour away? Should she give up her job so she can be present the entire time? What about a visit to the shops or hairdressers? A theatre trip an hour away isn’t a holiday abroad. I think it’s completely unreasonable to expect her to give up her entire life for weeks on end when the chances are that she’ll be back home well before anything starts to happen.

Does DD have a friend who could sit with her for the evening?

I haven’t RTFT but I can’t be the only one whose DP/DH was an hour away just at work up right up to and around delivery? Even when we lived in zone 2 of London and he worked in zone 1 the logistics of train/tube or a taxi in rush hour means he was about an hour away. He didn’t not work.

I would get where OP’s DD was coming from if her parents up and went on holiday to Spain for a week but being an hour away with phones nearby sounds sensible to me. Does she have a friend she can hang out with that day? Maybe have some lowkey plans of her own will ease some of the anxiety.

Well yes but she's clearly vulnerable and scared.

Question for those who think Ops being unreasonable.

How far away should she allowed to go?

Is she allowed to go for a swim and be uncontactable for an hour?

Completely understand her anxiety. However, sounds like she'd only be 37 weeks? Tell DD labour is not like in the movies, she'll likely get plenty of warning before she's even near the point where you call the hospital and even then she won't be told to come in immediately.

I had contractions on a Wednesday evening a week before my due date, then on the, Thursday, both went away. Again on Friday morning on off for the whole day. Told DH I was having twinges but otherwise carried on as normal, went out to lunch. In the late evening they picked up in speed and intensity, tried to have a nap with my hypnobirthing audios. Had a bath and told DH to finish packing the hospital bag last few things. Left the house at about 3am once contractions were close enough together.

I really recommend "The Honest Midwife" online classes, they really helped set my expectations to be realistic about labour and the different ways it could go.

Edit: also she should speak to her midwife about prenatal anxiety if she thinks she can't be alone. I was working teaching until 38 weeks and going out by myself/doing normal yoga classes until the week I gave birth. She'll miss being alone once baby is here!

I think the difference is you had a DH/DP, the DD doesn't and I would think she is in a world of heartache at present.

I think your daughter needs to grow up. Distraught? Because her parents are going one hour away, a month before her due date?

I think to be a single parent she’s going to need a lot more resilience than this. It’s also totally unreasonable to expect everyone’s lives to be put on hold because you’re pregnant.

My DP and I lived our lives relatively normally until I went into labour at 41 weeks. Not allowing him to travel an hour away, when he would have his phone on him and be contactable is unthinkable.

And where does it end?
Baby sitting, childcare, school runs.

I've seen it with a friend who has driven herself into the ground.

So was I after losing babies previously and went on maternity leave at 25 weeks as I was severely unwell, I still didn’t expect my DH or parents to not work or stay next to me. My parents are 1 hour 20 mins from me and DH works 50 mins away

I know it’s harsh but DD is in her 30’s and is about to be responsible for a child, her parents are abandoning her they are going to a theatre show no where near DD’s c section date.

Well that's sorted then

I think the problem for me here - and perhaps why you are getting split responses - is not so much a single theatre trip as your husband’s apparent uncaring attitude.

In theory a theatre trip should of course be ok, with appropriate phone checking etc. But it doesn’t sound like he’s trying to reassure your dd that labour is unlikely and that you will come straight back if it does happen, instead he seems to be taking a “she should buck up and cope whatever happens” approach. Not very empathetic to a heavily pregnant daughter whose partner has unexpectedly ditched her.

I've seen it with a friend who has driven herself into the ground.

I wonder if we have the same friend, @birling16 - this thread has reminded me very much of her and the dangers of dependency from children who themselves have their own dependents…..

The other thing that strikes me is that surely most pregnant women are on their own in a house for periods of tIme in later pregnancy? I was on maternity leave by 36 weeks, but my DH was at work and about an hour away. The same for all the friends I can think of. The dad normally starts paternity leave on the day the baby is born and not beforehand (so he is there to help with the newborn). If she goes into labour she can call you - in the event that you’re not able to get back, she can call an ambulance. All the drama seems totally unnecessary.

If she’s scared, someone should be there.

This is something that's a mere hour away. Does she expect you to not do your normal daily activities also? Does she expect someone to be with her 24/7?

If she's this anxious, she needs perinatal anxiety screening ASAP. She really needs to talk to her provider about this.

You don’t have to be a child to be vulnerable. Many adults are vulnerable for various medical reasons (including mental health related problems which appear to be relevant here).

Pregnant women are vulnerable because of the impact pregnancy has on them - physically, psychologically, hormonally. I’d reflect a little if I were you and realise that dismissing this is way more sexist/misogynistic than acknowledging the huge burden pregnancy has on women and the additional help and care they may need during that time. Ignoring issues and experiences that only women have to live through, especially ones which hugely impact her mind and body, that scar her for life and change her brain forever is holding women up for the challenges they face not dragging them down.

This.
It’s the most important time in her life.
She must feel very alone.

The OP is getting harsh responses because an early poster decided to latch on to the "unfortunately" which started a pile on of people berating her.

The be kind to women only extends to the daughter and not at all to the mother who has had to pick up a lot of unexpected extra responsibilities at a time when maybe she thought she could wind down.

I am sure OP has hidden the thread but for what it's worth, I'd suggest that DH takes a friend (or even DD herself) to the theatre and OP thinks hard about how much of her life she is prepared to give up for her DD and hopefully can work a balance of supportive but not a doormat.
Good luck!

I didn't say it stopped a man leaving his wife.

I said it gave legal & financial protection in the areas I highlighted.

I'm 68 and always move heaven and earth to help my adult kids of 29 and 32. I don't have any grandchildren yet.

I find your behaviour very selfish. I feel sorry for your daughter and wonder what other disappointments she has had to deal with aka your parenting. She is scared but you have made it clear you would rather see 'Les Mis' or whatever at the theatre than support her having your future grandchild. You both need to give your heads a wobble.

But that's an unrealistic expectation and it's not really possible.

They’re going to be an hour away and reachable. If OP was asking about being an hour away at work, I wonder what the replies would be.

Same, my friend accompanies her DD and DGD to all appointments, toddler groups etc as the DD won’t do anything on her own. My friend’s physical and mental health is deteriorating, it’s no life for someone in their late 50’s.

@WimpoleHat people need to be needed. Older women in particular. They bounce from slaving over their own kids to picking up all the responsibility and childcare for the next generation.

All sorts of weird and wonderful things can happen. She could have the baby, start a new job and or relationship and emigrate.