To tell pregnant DD we won’t cancel the theatre?

[Yournw]

DD is unfortunately pregnant with her first baby, without a partner. She was in a relationship and mid way through he left her. It’s been awful and we’ve tried our best to be supportive. She was living with her partner but has since moved back to her own home which is in the same town where we live.

She is due to have a c section in 9 days. The due date is a week later so she’s around 36 weeks now.

She is extremely anxious about going into labour and being alone in the house with nobody to take her to hospital. We have obviously said we will do this if that should happen and she can call us.

However..we are supposed to be going to the theatre this Saturday which is around an hour drive away. DD is not happy about this and has asked us not to go so that we are nearby should anything happen. DH is adamant we should go to the theatre and not miss the show. He is strongly of the opinion that she’s in her thirties and can look after herself and if she was to go into labour then the first hour or so isn’t going to make much difference.

DD is now distraught and I feel stuck in the middle. What would you do?!

So are you saying no-one is allowed to be more than 10 minutes away until she has her baby???

Charge your phones and enjoy your show.

Why?

I was in advanced pregnancy with a mother in another city and my husband on an ocean going research vessel trying to run ahead of a storm to make port. Your daughter does seem excessively demanding. I mean she does realise actual labour goes on for simply hours in almost all cases and most first babies are late, doesn't she?

I haven’t RTFT but I can’t be the only one whose DP/DH was an hour away just at work up right up to and around delivery? Even when we lived in zone 2 of London and he worked in zone 1 the logistics of train/tube or a taxi in rush hour means he was about an hour away. He didn’t not work.

Exactly - who on earth stops work/life staring at a belly until delivery.

While I agree with your sentiment, we're talking about 4-5hours, not a 2 week cruise! It's not abandonment, it's not making life harder, the fact the OP even posted here means she's a nice mum who cares about her daughter, she also said that she will be around to help with the grandchild and they've already promised to go to the hospital if needed on the night so she would be supported at the birth! So, is going to the theatre equalling making life harder? Really?

The daughter is anxious but unfairly so even if understandable.

I don’t really get why you can’t go to the theatre she can always call you to come back if any signs of labour ? Most partners still have to go out and work when they are 38 weeks pregnant and may have to commute to work for an hour.

Yes we’ve said we’ll check our phones and leave if needed. She is saying she will have to book a hotel near the hospital for that night if we don’t cancel.

That actually sounds quite manipulative to me.

It may also depend on what is driving her anxiety.

Partners & back up plans galore won't necessarily stop the fear of actually going into labour/having a csection.

It's quite usual to be afraid of the unknown.

She needs to be building up a wider support network. Can a friend, neighbour or different family member be on standby while you’re at the theatre?

I think how you handle this will set the tone going forward.

This! I’m surprised by how many people would cancel the tickets - go to the theatre & keep your phones on.

I am not RTFT because it’s huge. What I’ve seen though is people saying “I was fine, my partner was 100 miles away and I didn’t care, I’m resilient” What a load of crap. She’s alone. She’s having the worst time of her life while having the best time to come. So she maybe just wants some love and attention. If it was my daughter, she’d get it. I’d do whatever she wanted and made this time better for her. There’s been plenty of posts on here in the past of mothers to be fretting their partner was having a night out within a month of them nearing their due date. I seem to remember all the comments were “LTB” he clearly doesn’t care about you. That is ridiculous too. But surely mumsnet can find the reasonable middle ground and allow this girl some understanding. C’mon @Yournw support your daughter however she wants.

Totally agree. Are the op and her husband going through remain within 10 minutes of the daughters home until the birth? Of course not. She’s going to be a mum soon. She needs to start coping.
And before anyone tells me I don’t know what it’s like, I had my dc alone too as ‘DH’ had left in pregnancy. I have lovely caring parents but would not have dreamed of demanding they wait around in case I needed something!

It doesn’t have to be her parents! She can go over to a friends house or something. Or get a neighbour to be available in case of emergency. As long as someone can come to support her if needed, that’s okay.
If I’m in my 9th, I hope those around me would step in if I was scared to be alone with no one available for the next couple of hours. I don’t think it’s so crazy to expect someone to be available.

Statistics can tell you the likelihood of it happening for your category of pregnancy.

I mean presumably you don’t refuse to cross the road because some people get run over? So you are making a risk assessment and deciding its (relatively) safe for you to cross. If we avoided everything which has a small element of risk we would never leave our front doors.

You are also not addressing the fact that reorganising their lives, not to accommodate a significant risk but someone’s irrational (but understandable) anxiety is not a neutral act. It reinforces the anxiety and can make it worse. The answer is not for one of them to stay home for the next month “just in case” - its to find the help to address the anxiety.

So you don't think it's unfortunate that she's pregnant but her partner abandoned her and her unborn baby? Unexpectedly and unwillingly becoming a single mum is pretty unfortunate in my book, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Yes, but most women aren’t left by their partner during pregnancy and facing life as a single mum. That’s a huge loss and it’s okay for her to be having some anxiety around abandonment and birth. We’re not talking about a normal situation here and this woman needs ll the help she can get to avoid PPD.

So she maybe just wants some love and attention. If it was my daughter, she’d get it

Op's daughter probably is getting love & attention.

It doesn't have to mean doing exactly what their daughter asks them to.

My mum would cancel the theatre tickets for me. I think that’s a kind mum

The daughter is understandably feeling very vulnerable right now and she is the OP’s child? Yes, not under 18 but still her child! And as I said, going for lunch or having your hair done (presumably locally), is completely different to going to see a show at least an hour away.

It’s not for the next month. It’s for the next nine days.
Anyway, I’m bowing out of this thread because as I said previously, @Yournwhasn’t come back and so it’s probably yet another ‘light the touch paper and watch it burn thread’.
So bloody tiresome.

Well given my husband, like many others I'm sure, went off to work a good hour commute away everyday right up until I gave birth. I called him to come back when labour had started (actually I called him twice but first time false alarm) and he got to me in plenty of time but if not I'd have either called a taxi or banged on a neighbours door or had a friend on standby or all 3. She could be a month off giving birth you surely can't expect her to have someone at her beck & call until she drops.

Haven't read the full thread.
I don't understand why cancelling the theatre tickets is necessary.
It's only an hour away. A lot of commutes are that distance and it isn't usual for a spouse/family member to take weeks off work in the later stages 'just in case'. Many women are still working themselves. Or have other children to organise before they go to the hospital etc.
It's not reasonable to expect family to be within your immediate vicinity because you are 36 weeks pregnant. It is reasonable to be able to contact them via their phone. Which she can do.

Fantastic.

Well they'd arrange for some sort of transport, like parents or close friends.

It's a problem the people involved have to find a solution for.

You can call the maternity triage line if you need an assessment to see if an ambulance is right for you, but that doesn't suddenly make ambulances materialise if there's a shortage.

I also don't make the rules about taxis! It's not illegal to get a taxi if you're in labour but it's also something many taxi services will discourage and refuse to do because of liability and cleaning concerns.

When I had my ELCS planned they strictly told me that if I couldn't get a taxi I would have to call for an ambulance, but given the ambulance crisis it shouldn't be relied on if I can get to the hospital another way.

I can't imagine choosing the theatre over my DD but you do you OP

You might’ve felt differently if your husband when to work one day and never came back. Your mental health might’ve suffered quite a lot and you might turn to your family or friends to get you through. If someone is having a mental health crisis, it’s not pandering to drop fun trips to just be there for them. Med/long term she needs therapy, short term she needs people to listen to her and support her. If her parents both worked and she told them to take leave, I’d have more understanding for the OP and the reality that we can’t just drop everything for someone (even if they’re really struggling). But this is a theatre trip.