Page 38 | To tell pregnant DD we won’t cancel the theatre?

Yournw · 2025-10-07T22:14:51+00:00

DD is unfortunately pregnant with her first baby, without a partner. She was in a relationship and mid way through he left her. It’s been awful and we’ve tried our best to be supportive. She was living with her partner but has since moved back to her own home which is in the same town where we live. She is due to have a c section in 9 days. The due date is a week later so she’s around 36 weeks now. She is extremely anxious about going into labour and being alone in the house with nobody to take her to hospital. We have obviously said we will do this if that should happen and she can call us. However..we are supposed to be going to the theatre this Saturday which is around an hour drive away. DD is not happy about this and has asked us not to go so that we are nearby should anything happen. DH is adamant we should go to the theatre and not miss the show. He is strongly of the opinion that she’s in her thirties and can look after herself and if she was to go into labour then the first hour or so isn’t going to make much difference. DD is now distraught and I feel stuck in the middle. What would you do?!

Thisisnotmyid · 08/10/2025 17:35

Go to the theatre. She’s in her 30’s and about to have a baby she needs to grow up!

Assuming she’ll be living with you for a while after the baby is born is she going to demand someone else in the house at all times during the newborn stage?

birling16 · 08/10/2025 17:38

PinkBobby · 08/10/2025 16:30

Her ‘behaviour’ would be a lot better if the people she’s looking to for security and stability after being abandoned don’t swan off to the theatre when she needs them. She’s not manipulating her parents, she is trying to control a situation that she feels has totally spun away from her and she is asking for them to care (because her partner clearly didn’t). It’s a trauma response and acting like reason and logic or tough love can ‘fix it’ is like telling someone with depression to ‘cheer up or a suicidal person to ‘get a grip’. She needs to sit down with her parents and to hear that they’ve got her and that they’ve found a good therapist for her to sit down with because she needs to work through her anxiety. I’ve said it before but you have kids for life. If your adult child has a mental health crisis, you act like you did when they needed you as a kid. That’s your responsibility as a parent.

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What is you are pouring from an empty cup?

Mumstheword1983 · 08/10/2025 17:38

2chocolateoranges · 07/10/2025 23:18

Go to the theatre, keep your phones on you just in case. Enjoy your day.

your dd is an adult and will cope for the day on her own, she can contact you if need be. Does she not have a friend she can arrange to do something with for the day?

Tricky one. I agree with this. Is there a friend or relative with a car that can have the evening with her in case she needs a driver. Most unlikely to happen but it might reassure her somewhat. Hope all goes well 😊

birling16 · 08/10/2025 17:41

PinkBobby · 08/10/2025 17:32

It’s not about asking permission to go places, it’s showing up for your child. It’s basic - do they want to be there in the way their child needs when she’s clearly at a low point. All the other stuff needs to fall into place re mental health support but right now, they are all she has. Mental health takes time to heal - as parents, her mum and dad need to be there for her right now. She’s not asking much of them. I’m shocked at how keen everyone is on going to the theatre.

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It's not a child.

PinkBobby · 08/10/2025 17:50

PrissyGalore · 08/10/2025 16:31

Reading this thread and all the different opinions, I honestly think the best gift you can give your children is nurturing the ability to function as an independent adult and to cope with whatever life throws at you. There have been comments that adult children need parenting-no they don’t. They are in charge of their own lives and we should encourage them in that. Everyone loves a supportive family but that does not mean that normal activities stop because of someone’s anxiety. Lots of hyperbole on this thread-people saying she was abandoned by her parents, giving birth alone and her parents should sacrifice small pleasures so their dd doesn’t feel anxious. Where does it stop?

That theory works until your child has a mental health crisis or perhaps a physical injury. You can give them all the tools they need but they might still need your help. They haven’t failed or not grasped those skills. It amazes me that you feel like adults don’t need parenting - I turn to my parents for advice/support regularly. Fortunately, I haven’t had the experience this woman has but there have been other times when my parents have dropped everything for me, not because I demanded it but because I needed help and they wanted to be there for me.

The daughter’s reliance on her parents will fade again as she gets back on her feet and when she gets good therapy. In the meantime, a parent’s job is to care for their kid. She’s is incredibly vulnerable right now - I’d help her and I don’t even know her! It’s clear from lots of replies here that mental health still hasn’t got the recognition it needs and that’s a shame. Yes, lots of people live with anxiety and other mental health issues. It takes time and energy for those people to find strategies to function. It’s more successful if they have a solid network to lean on. This woman has just been left whilst pregnant. She deserves some grace and a whole lot of patience. If it was years ago, I would have a different outlook but this is fresh trauma. What seems minor to us will seem huge to her because of what’s she’s been through and her hormones and the way her parents show up for her could have a huge impact over the coming weeks.

AntiBullshit · 08/10/2025 17:52

Unfortunately pregnant and on her own

Thise a wonderful way to speak of your child and you soon to be grand child!!!!

She’s pregnant and single - it’s not a big deal. Hopefully you’ll be more supportive to her

birling16 · 08/10/2025 17:53

She deserves help but from her Mum? To the extent that Mum can't go to the theatre in case of a crisis?

When does it end. What if Mum has wobbly MH?

Needspaceforlego · 08/10/2025 17:53

Squishydishy · 08/10/2025 16:01

My mum would cancel the theatre tickets for me. I think that’s a kind mum

How far away would your mum be allowed to be?
Would she be allowed to go for a swim and potentially be out of contact for an hour?

At what point in pregnancy would you want to start restricting her movements?

birling16 · 08/10/2025 17:54

the way her parents show up for her could have a huge impact over the coming weeks

Friends? ex work colleagues?

MikeRafone · 08/10/2025 17:54

AntiBullshit · 08/10/2025 17:52

Unfortunately pregnant and on her own

Thise a wonderful way to speak of your child and you soon to be grand child!!!!

She’s pregnant and single - it’s not a big deal. Hopefully you’ll be more supportive to her

yeah - being single and pg is not a big deal to you - but to some of us it was a big deal. It fucking hurt and was hard. Could you be any more unempathetic and lacking in sympathy

PinkBobby · 08/10/2025 17:55

birling16 · 08/10/2025 17:41

It's not a child.

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But she is their child? I don’t get what’s hard to grasp here. When you have a kid, they may still need you when they are adults. As parents, that dynamic doesn’t do away with age. Obviously adults are less needy than toddlers but I’m sure plenty of parents on here have picked up the phone to a sad 20/30/40+ year old kid and helped them as best they can.

Femaleone · 08/10/2025 17:56

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PinkBobby · 08/10/2025 18:00

birling16 · 08/10/2025 17:54

the way her parents show up for her could have a huge impact over the coming weeks

Friends? ex work colleagues?

That could also help but it sounds like right now she has turned to her parents for that support. Personally, I wouldn’t tell my child to look elsewhere for help if they were at rock bottom.

birling16 · 08/10/2025 18:00

As parents, that dynamic doesn’t do away with age

The dynamic does and should change. ironically roles reverse sometimes.

Needspaceforlego · 08/10/2025 18:01

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How far away should Op be allowed to go?

People are behaving like Ops planning on going to outer space. Its a theater an hour away.

PinkBobby · 08/10/2025 18:04

birling16 · 08/10/2025 17:38

What is you are pouring from an empty cup?

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There is no evidence of this in the OP’s post. If there was, I’d revise my posts to acknowledge this. As far as I can tell, the dad fancies a trip to the theatre and thinks she should just get on with it (shock horror: an older man not understanding anxiety around birth and the potential trauma of being left when pregnant) and the mum can’t decide who to side with.

3luckystars · 08/10/2025 18:05

Probably a stupid suggestion but is there any way she can go with you to the show?

diddl · 08/10/2025 18:07

shock horror: an older man not understanding anxiety around birth and the potential trauma of being left when pregnant

Well he might understand it as best he can & still think it's ok to go to the theatre.

I think that it would be ok for them to go although I have never been left whilst pregnant so my understanding is also limited.

PinkBobby · 08/10/2025 18:09

birling16 · 08/10/2025 18:00

As parents, that dynamic doesn’t do away with age

The dynamic does and should change. ironically roles reverse sometimes.

They evolve but children will almost always look to parents for advice/support/acceptance even as adults (almost because things like abuse and neglect can make adults turn elsewhere for those things because they don’t associate them with their parents). The roles (parent-child) being reversed isn’t particularly healthy. Obviously, lots of people do things like care for their parents and I’m not saying that is automatically toxic but that should come from a place of love not obligation or guilt. Children shouldn’t be their parents’ therapists or exposed to certain toxic dynamics. Parents choose to have kids so you should show up for them whether they’re tiny or adult. Kids show up for their parents if they did a good enough job and as best they can whilst living their own lives.

PinkBobby · 08/10/2025 18:10

3luckystars · 08/10/2025 18:05

Probably a stupid suggestion but is there any way she can go with you to the show?

I don’t think that is a stupid suggestion! It might help take her mind off things and take some focus off her anxiety and feelings of abandonment.

Falseknock · 08/10/2025 18:15

PinkBobby · 08/10/2025 17:32

It’s not about asking permission to go places, it’s showing up for your child. It’s basic - do they want to be there in the way their child needs when she’s clearly at a low point. All the other stuff needs to fall into place re mental health support but right now, they are all she has. Mental health takes time to heal - as parents, her mum and dad need to be there for her right now. She’s not asking much of them. I’m shocked at how keen everyone is on going to the theatre.

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The op has to live her lives well. She is being reasonable she would leave immediately if her daughter called. I don't understand the need to control the ops movements when she said she will be there. I feel sorry for the op it will only get worse.

PinkBobby · 08/10/2025 18:17

diddl · 08/10/2025 18:07

shock horror: an older man not understanding anxiety around birth and the potential trauma of being left when pregnant

Well he might understand it as best he can & still think it's ok to go to the theatre.

I think that it would be ok for them to go although I have never been left whilst pregnant so my understanding is also limited.

Yes - apologies, I know some men do try to grasp these things as best they can. The OP’s wording doesn’t necessarily reflect what the husband has really said and his reasoning.

I think I’m just aware of how mental health can spiral and the people who will really suffer in this case are the mum and the baby. Yes, it’s disappointing to miss a good show but I’d do anything to help my kids at such a delicate moment in their lives. I wouldn’t do it forever and I would certainly be getting a therapist lined up and encourage empowerment and trusting her instinct post birth. But if your kid is left as a single mother during pregnancy and becomes anxious and demanding for a little while as she navigates her new life, I think it’s okay to give them some grace and slowly help them back onto their feet.

DemelzaandRoss · 08/10/2025 18:19

PinkBobby · 08/10/2025 17:55

But she is their child? I don’t get what’s hard to grasp here. When you have a kid, they may still need you when they are adults. As parents, that dynamic doesn’t do away with age. Obviously adults are less needy than toddlers but I’m sure plenty of parents on here have picked up the phone to a sad 20/30/40+ year old kid and helped them as best they can.

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I agree with this 100%.
Sadly, this view is now considered to be too kind.
When relations lived close to each other, life experiences good or bad were shared.
This post is an example of a hardness that has crept into most areas of Society.

PinkBobby · 08/10/2025 18:22

Falseknock · 08/10/2025 18:15

The op has to live her lives well. She is being reasonable she would leave immediately if her daughter called. I don't understand the need to control the ops movements when she said she will be there. I feel sorry for the op it will only get worse.

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She does have her life to lead and ultimately only she can choose what to prioritise each day. I personally don’t understand team theatre but I also don’t come from a family who would be on that side either. My family have always rallied round when things get tough so I guess it’s what I’m used to.

To be clear, if the OP had said this sort of thing had been going on pre-pregnancy/partner leaving or it happened years ago and they felt like they were being used, I wouldn’t be telling them to sacrifice
their fun for their daughter. But this is all fresh so I think some exceptional measures are allowed!

diddl · 08/10/2025 18:22

But if your kid is left as a single mother during pregnancy and becomes anxious and demanding for a little while as she navigates her new life, I think it’s okay to give them some grace and slowly help them back onto their feet.

Well of course this may already be happening & this might be felt as a demand to far?