Page 37 | To tell pregnant DD we won’t cancel the theatre?

Yournw · 2025-10-07T22:14:51+00:00

DD is unfortunately pregnant with her first baby, without a partner. She was in a relationship and mid way through he left her. It’s been awful and we’ve tried our best to be supportive. She was living with her partner but has since moved back to her own home which is in the same town where we live. She is due to have a c section in 9 days. The due date is a week later so she’s around 36 weeks now. She is extremely anxious about going into labour and being alone in the house with nobody to take her to hospital. We have obviously said we will do this if that should happen and she can call us. However..we are supposed to be going to the theatre this Saturday which is around an hour drive away. DD is not happy about this and has asked us not to go so that we are nearby should anything happen. DH is adamant we should go to the theatre and not miss the show. He is strongly of the opinion that she’s in her thirties and can look after herself and if she was to go into labour then the first hour or so isn’t going to make much difference. DD is now distraught and I feel stuck in the middle. What would you do?!

Falseknock · 08/10/2025 16:20

PinkBobby · 08/10/2025 15:59

Yes, but most women aren’t left by their partner during pregnancy and facing life as a single mum. That’s a huge loss and it’s okay for her to be having some anxiety around abandonment and birth. We’re not talking about a normal situation here and this woman needs ll the help she can get to avoid PPD.

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She has it already. The best place for her would be a mother and baby unit until she gets her head right. Babies are hard work how will she cope if she can't spend a few hours without her mum by her side. This is a worrying situation and she may need intervention if she don't get her head right. It's okay to feel scared but manipulating the people around you who have compromised as well in case she does go into labour is troubling who knows what her behaviour will be like after the birth.

PinkBobby · 08/10/2025 16:30

Falseknock · 08/10/2025 16:20

She has it already. The best place for her would be a mother and baby unit until she gets her head right. Babies are hard work how will she cope if she can't spend a few hours without her mum by her side. This is a worrying situation and she may need intervention if she don't get her head right. It's okay to feel scared but manipulating the people around you who have compromised as well in case she does go into labour is troubling who knows what her behaviour will be like after the birth.

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Her ‘behaviour’ would be a lot better if the people she’s looking to for security and stability after being abandoned don’t swan off to the theatre when she needs them. She’s not manipulating her parents, she is trying to control a situation that she feels has totally spun away from her and she is asking for them to care (because her partner clearly didn’t). It’s a trauma response and acting like reason and logic or tough love can ‘fix it’ is like telling someone with depression to ‘cheer up or a suicidal person to ‘get a grip’. She needs to sit down with her parents and to hear that they’ve got her and that they’ve found a good therapist for her to sit down with because she needs to work through her anxiety. I’ve said it before but you have kids for life. If your adult child has a mental health crisis, you act like you did when they needed you as a kid. That’s your responsibility as a parent.

PrissyGalore · 08/10/2025 16:31

Reading this thread and all the different opinions, I honestly think the best gift you can give your children is nurturing the ability to function as an independent adult and to cope with whatever life throws at you. There have been comments that adult children need parenting-no they don’t. They are in charge of their own lives and we should encourage them in that. Everyone loves a supportive family but that does not mean that normal activities stop because of someone’s anxiety. Lots of hyperbole on this thread-people saying she was abandoned by her parents, giving birth alone and her parents should sacrifice small pleasures so their dd doesn’t feel anxious. Where does it stop?

ThisOctoberSong · 08/10/2025 16:32

PollyBell · 07/10/2025 23:43

Life does not stop when someone is pregnant, i presume she ia living with you and did not thinl of the impact on you having to house her an now a child when she got herself pregnant she cant own your decisions

And yes I am being harsh but grandparents just seem to be there for however it works for the way they are told to be, they seem not to exist as people themselves on here, they seem to need permission to have a life

Biology lesson - no one gets themselves pregnant. I thought we’d left that kind of attitude in the 1950s.

RubySquid · 08/10/2025 16:33

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 08/10/2025 16:12

Well they'd arrange for some sort of transport, like parents or close friends.

It's a problem the people involved have to find a solution for.

You can call the maternity triage line if you need an assessment to see if an ambulance is right for you, but that doesn't suddenly make ambulances materialise if there's a shortage.

I also don't make the rules about taxis! It's not illegal to get a taxi if you're in labour but it's also something many taxi services will discourage and refuse to do because of liability and cleaning concerns.

When I had my ELCS planned they strictly told me that if I couldn't get a taxi I would have to call for an ambulance, but given the ambulance crisis it shouldn't be relied on if I can get to the hospital another way.

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But you are not in labour if going in for an elective cs. DD didn't have any issue getting taxi to take her in at 4am. She's the only driver ( her DH doesn't drive) and he was caring for the other child. It would take me 4.5 to 5 hours to get there to drop her off so not feasible

ThisOctoberSong · 08/10/2025 16:34

PinkBobby · 08/10/2025 16:30

Her ‘behaviour’ would be a lot better if the people she’s looking to for security and stability after being abandoned don’t swan off to the theatre when she needs them. She’s not manipulating her parents, she is trying to control a situation that she feels has totally spun away from her and she is asking for them to care (because her partner clearly didn’t). It’s a trauma response and acting like reason and logic or tough love can ‘fix it’ is like telling someone with depression to ‘cheer up or a suicidal person to ‘get a grip’. She needs to sit down with her parents and to hear that they’ve got her and that they’ve found a good therapist for her to sit down with because she needs to work through her anxiety. I’ve said it before but you have kids for life. If your adult child has a mental health crisis, you act like you did when they needed you as a kid. That’s your responsibility as a parent.

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I agree!

EarthlyNightshade · 08/10/2025 16:35

Squishydishy · 08/10/2025 16:01

My mum would cancel the theatre tickets for me. I think that’s a kind mum

Would you ask her to?

AntiqueMaps · 08/10/2025 16:36

First thing I thought? DH is not her biological father, is he?

Falseknock · 08/10/2025 16:38

PinkBobby · 08/10/2025 16:30

Her ‘behaviour’ would be a lot better if the people she’s looking to for security and stability after being abandoned don’t swan off to the theatre when she needs them. She’s not manipulating her parents, she is trying to control a situation that she feels has totally spun away from her and she is asking for them to care (because her partner clearly didn’t). It’s a trauma response and acting like reason and logic or tough love can ‘fix it’ is like telling someone with depression to ‘cheer up or a suicidal person to ‘get a grip’. She needs to sit down with her parents and to hear that they’ve got her and that they’ve found a good therapist for her to sit down with because she needs to work through her anxiety. I’ve said it before but you have kids for life. If your adult child has a mental health crisis, you act like you did when they needed you as a kid. That’s your responsibility as a parent.

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It's not tough love they are going to the theatre for a few hours. The op has most probably been right beside her since she moved closer to them. They can't go to the shop or the theatre with out permission?
Her daughter will be the parent is she ready for that responsibility?
She needs the mental health services if she needs help her mother is there for support.

MadameWombat · 08/10/2025 16:39

Your husband is right. The chances of her going into labour AND labour being quick enough to need to get to the hospital within an hour are very slim. It also sounds like you need a night out before live-in grandparent duties begin.

However, she does sound very anxious, and you'll need to tread carefully. So I would look at doing everything you can to help with that. Have a friend/neighbour on standby to drive. Pack your own hospital bag in the car so you are ready to take her straight there when you return. If she had a midwife appointment between now and the theatre trip, see what the midwife says about a quick labour. If booking a hotel helps ease her worries, then I would just let her crack on with that.

AndOnAndOn1000 · 08/10/2025 16:42

I would support her if she was my daughter.

Sometimes daughters (and sons) really need to know we are there for them and they can rely on us. I think this is one of those times considering what she must have gone through.

BustyLaRoux · 08/10/2025 16:43

She sounds anxious and alone. Whilst common sense says she is unlikely to go into a fast labour (first births rarely that quick) and on that particular evening, and yes it probably would be fine, she is also giving you a strong message: I am scared, I feel alone, I want my mum. In those circumstances I would find it hard to say no to my child.

Sadly my mum isn’t around anymore. She died when I was in my 30s. She made me feel safe. She made me feel like I always had someone who had my back. I miss her terribly. This last year has been one of the worst of my life. I’d have given anything to have my mum. Even though I’m 48! Sometimes we need our mum.

I think it would send the right message to your DD if you forewent the theatre. Not because common sense says she’ll probably go into labour then (she probably won’t), but because your frightened DD will know that when she needs you, you are there.

BustyLaRoux · 08/10/2025 16:44

AndOnAndOn1000 · 08/10/2025 16:42

I would support her if she was my daughter.

Sometimes daughters (and sons) really need to know we are there for them and they can rely on us. I think this is one of those times considering what she must have gone through.

So this is a much more succinct version of what I was, poorly, trying to articulate!

edit: typo

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 08/10/2025 16:45

RubySquid · 08/10/2025 16:33

But you are not in labour if going in for an elective cs. DD didn't have any issue getting taxi to take her in at 4am. She's the only driver ( her DH doesn't drive) and he was caring for the other child. It would take me 4.5 to 5 hours to get there to drop her off so not feasible

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No, you're right, you're not in labour if you have an ELCS, but if spontaneous labour starts BEFORE your ELCS then it can leave you in a sticky wicket if you don't have transport.

I'm really glad your DD managed to get to the hospital via taxi. It is not a universal experience.

diddl · 08/10/2025 16:54

Anyway Op what do you want to do?

I'm guessing it's not a possibility for your husband to go & you to stay if you want as surely that would then be happening?

thepariscrimefiles · 08/10/2025 16:56

MadameWombat · 08/10/2025 16:39

Your husband is right. The chances of her going into labour AND labour being quick enough to need to get to the hospital within an hour are very slim. It also sounds like you need a night out before live-in grandparent duties begin.

However, she does sound very anxious, and you'll need to tread carefully. So I would look at doing everything you can to help with that. Have a friend/neighbour on standby to drive. Pack your own hospital bag in the car so you are ready to take her straight there when you return. If she had a midwife appointment between now and the theatre trip, see what the midwife says about a quick labour. If booking a hotel helps ease her worries, then I would just let her crack on with that.

OP isn't a 'live-in grandparent'. Her daughter has her own house in the same city as her parents.

We also don't know why OP's DD is having a c-section. If it is medically mandated for conditions such as placenta praevia and pre-eclampsia, there may be problems if she goes into labour on her own.

Baital · 08/10/2025 16:58

PinkBobby · 08/10/2025 16:30

Her ‘behaviour’ would be a lot better if the people she’s looking to for security and stability after being abandoned don’t swan off to the theatre when she needs them. She’s not manipulating her parents, she is trying to control a situation that she feels has totally spun away from her and she is asking for them to care (because her partner clearly didn’t). It’s a trauma response and acting like reason and logic or tough love can ‘fix it’ is like telling someone with depression to ‘cheer up or a suicidal person to ‘get a grip’. She needs to sit down with her parents and to hear that they’ve got her and that they’ve found a good therapist for her to sit down with because she needs to work through her anxiety. I’ve said it before but you have kids for life. If your adult child has a mental health crisis, you act like you did when they needed you as a kid. That’s your responsibility as a parent.

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'Swan off'

This sort of language is ridiculous. They have tickets they bought in advance. They aren't talking about going if DD is in labour. They are not talking about switching off their phones and not being in contact.

They are talking about being about an hours drive away, willing and able to return if necessary.

There are a number of reasons plan A might not work - what if the OP.goes down with D&V as DD goes into labour?

That's why they need to help DD come up with alternative plans if Plan A is impossible. It will help DD develop the skills she is going to need as a single parent. Because DD cannot always expect her parents to be on call 24/7 - nor would it be healthy for any of them if they tried to.

Om83 · 08/10/2025 16:58

If you are your daughters birthing partner then you really should be there for her no matter what, especially as she must be feeling very scared. vulnerable and alone right now and although in her thirties clearly needs your support.

if she gets to that night and all is well and she realises you can be back within an hour then go, but likewise be prepared not to if she is still very stressed. I would suggest that you tell her you can make the decision together on the day to give her some reassurance and reduce her anxiety in the meantime- she should currently be the priority, not your DH or the tickets!!

themerchentofvenus · 08/10/2025 17:01

Yournw · 07/10/2025 23:24

Yes we’ve said we’ll check our phones and leave if needed. She is saying she will have to book a hotel near the hospital for that night if we don’t cancel.

Your daughter is being ridiculous. I thought you were going to say she was 16 or something but she is a fully grown adult and must surely have friends??

Just say "ok" if she wants to book a hotel near the hospital that night then enjoy your show.

Baital · 08/10/2025 17:02

BustyLaRoux · 08/10/2025 16:43

She sounds anxious and alone. Whilst common sense says she is unlikely to go into a fast labour (first births rarely that quick) and on that particular evening, and yes it probably would be fine, she is also giving you a strong message: I am scared, I feel alone, I want my mum. In those circumstances I would find it hard to say no to my child.

Sadly my mum isn’t around anymore. She died when I was in my 30s. She made me feel safe. She made me feel like I always had someone who had my back. I miss her terribly. This last year has been one of the worst of my life. I’d have given anything to have my mum. Even though I’m 48! Sometimes we need our mum.

I think it would send the right message to your DD if you forewent the theatre. Not because common sense says she’ll probably go into labour then (she probably won’t), but because your frightened DD will know that when she needs you, you are there.

I think the 'right message' is that it is understandable that DD is feeling scared and vulnerable. Her parents will support her, and also have confidence in her ability to cope for the hour it will take them to get there. And help her plan what other sources of help can be there for that hour.

kkloo · 08/10/2025 17:09

C8H10N4O2 · 08/10/2025 15:58

Statistics can tell you the likelihood of it happening for your category of pregnancy.

I mean presumably you don’t refuse to cross the road because some people get run over? So you are making a risk assessment and deciding its (relatively) safe for you to cross. If we avoided everything which has a small element of risk we would never leave our front doors.

You are also not addressing the fact that reorganising their lives, not to accommodate a significant risk but someone’s irrational (but understandable) anxiety is not a neutral act. It reinforces the anxiety and can make it worse. The answer is not for one of them to stay home for the next month “just in case” - its to find the help to address the anxiety.

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And the likelihood is not that low, you have a much higher chance of going into labour prematurely than you do of being run over crossing the road.
8 out of 100 babies are premature.

My waters broke at 36 weeks on one of mine, I know several other women who had babies around the same time. I don't know anyone who's ever been run over crossing the road.
If the chances of being run over crossing the road were anywhere near as high as having a baby early, and 8 out of 100 people who attempted to cross the road would be ran over in a 9 month period we would be a lot more cautious wouldn't we?

You are also not addressing the fact that reorganising their lives, not to accommodate a significant risk but someone’s irrational (but understandable) anxiety is not a neutral act. It reinforces the anxiety and can make it worse

It's not reorganising their life, it's reorganising their day, a few hours.

Sometimes when people are in the depths of anxiety then 'reinforcing' it

It reinforces the anxiety and can make it worse

And what could also make her anxiety worse is not feeling supported and cared about when she needs it. Sometimes when anxiety is at its worst then that person needs that reassurance and to be allowed to be unreasonable, that doesn't mean that if you go along with them once that it makes it worse in the long run.
Also as she has been through a seriously stressful situation while pregnant she is very vulnerable at the moment, not just her mental health but also her physical health may be affected by anxiety, and that could be permanent. She's in the key age demographic for that happening.

Walkaround · 08/10/2025 17:09

Iceandfire92 · 08/10/2025 08:11

I think you're being disingenuous and are using this post to have a dig at women who choose c-sections. Surely everyone knows that you can choose an elective section?!

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Why on earth must everyone know that? When I was pregnant, elective C-sections on the NHS for no medical reason were not permitted.

BustyLaRoux · 08/10/2025 17:17

Baital · 08/10/2025 17:02

I think the 'right message' is that it is understandable that DD is feeling scared and vulnerable. Her parents will support her, and also have confidence in her ability to cope for the hour it will take them to get there. And help her plan what other sources of help can be there for that hour.

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I understand what you’re saying. I don’t agree though. I’m not saying you’re wrong. It just isn’t the message I would want to send. But the beauty of a forum if you ask a question, is that you get a range of responses I guess….

PinkBobby · 08/10/2025 17:32

Falseknock · 08/10/2025 16:38

It's not tough love they are going to the theatre for a few hours. The op has most probably been right beside her since she moved closer to them. They can't go to the shop or the theatre with out permission?
Her daughter will be the parent is she ready for that responsibility?
She needs the mental health services if she needs help her mother is there for support.

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It’s not about asking permission to go places, it’s showing up for your child. It’s basic - do they want to be there in the way their child needs when she’s clearly at a low point. All the other stuff needs to fall into place re mental health support but right now, they are all she has. Mental health takes time to heal - as parents, her mum and dad need to be there for her right now. She’s not asking much of them. I’m shocked at how keen everyone is on going to the theatre.

SteakBakesAndHotTakes · 08/10/2025 17:34

kkloo · 08/10/2025 17:09

And the likelihood is not that low, you have a much higher chance of going into labour prematurely than you do of being run over crossing the road.
8 out of 100 babies are premature.

My waters broke at 36 weeks on one of mine, I know several other women who had babies around the same time. I don't know anyone who's ever been run over crossing the road.
If the chances of being run over crossing the road were anywhere near as high as having a baby early, and 8 out of 100 people who attempted to cross the road would be ran over in a 9 month period we would be a lot more cautious wouldn't we?

You are also not addressing the fact that reorganising their lives, not to accommodate a significant risk but someone’s irrational (but understandable) anxiety is not a neutral act. It reinforces the anxiety and can make it worse

It's not reorganising their life, it's reorganising their day, a few hours.

Sometimes when people are in the depths of anxiety then 'reinforcing' it

It reinforces the anxiety and can make it worse

And what could also make her anxiety worse is not feeling supported and cared about when she needs it. Sometimes when anxiety is at its worst then that person needs that reassurance and to be allowed to be unreasonable, that doesn't mean that if you go along with them once that it makes it worse in the long run.
Also as she has been through a seriously stressful situation while pregnant she is very vulnerable at the moment, not just her mental health but also her physical health may be affected by anxiety, and that could be permanent. She's in the key age demographic for that happening.

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It's not just reorganising their day though is it. This is not a one off, this is a product of DD's irrational anxiety and the worst thing OP could do is take on this responsibility and become the enabler before the baby is even born.

It won't help DD either as that's not how anxiety works. It will reinforce a pattern that becomes more restrictive and harder to break.

DD does sound like she needs anxiety support but she needs it from the mental health team, not from putting her parents on house arrest.