To tell pregnant DD we won’t cancel the theatre?

[Yournw]

DD is unfortunately pregnant with her first baby, without a partner. She was in a relationship and mid way through he left her. It’s been awful and we’ve tried our best to be supportive. She was living with her partner but has since moved back to her own home which is in the same town where we live.

She is due to have a c section in 9 days. The due date is a week later so she’s around 36 weeks now.

She is extremely anxious about going into labour and being alone in the house with nobody to take her to hospital. We have obviously said we will do this if that should happen and she can call us.

However..we are supposed to be going to the theatre this Saturday which is around an hour drive away. DD is not happy about this and has asked us not to go so that we are nearby should anything happen. DH is adamant we should go to the theatre and not miss the show. He is strongly of the opinion that she’s in her thirties and can look after herself and if she was to go into labour then the first hour or so isn’t going to make much difference.

DD is now distraught and I feel stuck in the middle. What would you do?!

You lost me at "unfortunately"
No wonder she is feeling vulnerable and unsupported!

I have been your daughter in this exact position and it’s terrifying. The only thing making her feel safe is that her mum is closeby. this is the most frightening time of her life she has never been more vulnerable or needed you more - whatever the ‘logic’ of the situation, what she needs is to feel safe and have some certainty after all that has happened. I wish I could go and sit with her myself, why don’t you? Your husband is being cold, but you’ve had a baby yourself.

the ONLY way you can go and not be letting her down is if you can find a friend with a car to babysit her

Let's have some context. Where will you be the rest of the time? Most partners of women in late pregnancy still have to go to work, for example. We don't have 24/7 minders on hand. I understand your daughter's anxiety, of course. It's entirely natural. That doesn't mean she couldn't be expected to take responsibility for asking someone else to be on hand to step in if she did go into labour while you were out.

She is being ridiculous. At any given time you could be an hour away from her without either of you being aware.

Are these kind of demands the reason her partner has bailed out?'

I do agree with other posters that you.sound a bit dismissive of her concerns, but frankly I would be too. I'd drop everything and leave the theatre if one of my children needed me but I wouldn't cancel everything for the foreseeable just in case they did.

I can guarantee you will be back here in a years time asking if YABU for not wanting to look after your grandchild every day, btw.

Oh wow @AlinaRawlings "spoiled brat" let's hope you're never vulnerable and in need of support. Honestly some of the fears and stress you have in the last few weeks of pregnancy are mental, I am not lucky enough to have parents that can look out for me, but my in laws and husband were brilliant. What if the baby stops moving as is quite common at this stage and she needs to go in for monitoring. It just seems like the theatre should not take priority.

Go to the theatre but keep your phone on your lap and set to vibrate in case she calls.

I agree with 90 percent of your post...but NO she wants her mum.. a friend with a car is not the same.

Problem solved! Although are you planning on staying overnight?

If not she’s booking it for a few hours?

I’m with your husband on this. It’s a hour away and it’s a first pregnancy so very unlikely for you to need to rush. Even if it does happen at that exact time then DD is an adult and can get herself to the hospital and you can’t put your life on hold until the baby is born.

I can see why he’s left her, she sounds demanding.

I would not cancel the theatre, she can message you and an ambulance if anything happens,

This is HORRIFIC to read - what parent wouldn’t take in their pregnant vulnerable child?!

she didn’t ’get herself pregnant’ she had a partner at the time who she expected to do this with as a team, same as most women on this website when they had a baby, but HE LEFT HER she didn’t kick him out.

and anyway she has her one home as op stated.

my parents came and collected me and insisted I stay with them when the same happened to me and convinced me to stay for my whole maternity leave as they love and care for me just like I do my own baby.

Is she just falling apart with anxiety? Because I’m happily married with a supportive dh but he is at work at least an hour away 40 hours a week, including when I’m in late pregnancy. That’s very normal, and it is vanishingly unlikely that she will go into a rapid labour at this point in the pregnancy. Is this a one off or Is she just usually very needy and expects you to be on hand to facilitate daily life? Because if it’s the latter, I’d say darling there is shortly going to be a baby who depends on you completely and you will need to manage that, that baby is very very unlikely to arrive on Sat and also extremely unlikely even if it did to arrive fast- we could get there. If you feel you need to stay near the hospital we can’t stop you but I would really urge you to calm down and think it through - many women’s partners work an hour away every day and they don’t move in near the hospital in late pregnancy.

Was just going to say this ☝🏼

She’s an adult woman who’s about to become a mother - not ‘vulnerable’ as some have described her. She’s made the decision to go it alone as a single mother, so this is the reality of it. She can’t depend on her parents to drop their plans to be there for her when it may be totally unnecessary anyway - that’s not how it works.

Is your husband her dad? I just think this is quite a shocking way to speak about your daughter.

Lots and lots of single mums don't have that kind of support and survive perfectly well thank you.

Because they are capable adults. Capable of adulting.

This ^

It is ‘unfortunate’ if the daughter expects her parents to step into the breach now the baby’s father isn’t on the scene. This situation wasn’t of their making or their choice and it isn’t their responsibility.

A git? For wanting to go to the theatre, just an hour away? Flipping heck, tough audience here tonight.

She is vulnerable. She's anxious and close to giving birth. She's having a C section before term so we can assume maybe GD or another complication.
Also she "chose" to be a single mother? Sounds like the twat left her whilst she was pregnant, so I'm not sure she had much choice there.
I am lucky enough to have friends and family (unfortunately not parents) who have and would always drop everything when I need it, I haven't needed it much really over the decades but I dont think you can overestimate how important the feeling of knowing you are supported come what may is.

Am sure they will be doing a huge share when the baby is actually here too.

I would stay with my dd and send My dh to the theatre with someone else.

She is being a bit of a drama queen but it’s understandable that she is anxious. That said she has made her choice to continue a pregnancy alone and that means having to face the difficult bits alone.

I live rurally so do 20 mins for milk and over an hour to work so an hour is nothing, it was an hour to hospital when I had DD.

I would still go to the theatre. Your life doesn’t have to come to a standstill, she’s not 14.

For me this is a “sweetheart, we love you and are here for you. If you need us call but we know you are able to cope for 4 hours while we go to the theatre and we will be available all other times. If you do go into labour, we will drive straight to yours, so you’ll have 1 hour without us. During that time you’ll be able to call the midwives who will support you, and you can keep us posted while we drive. We are supporting you in pregnancy and after and putting most things on hold. We’re not going on holiday to Europe, we’re going up the road.”

She’s clearly feeling vulnerable but a balance of love and reality is needed imo. Others won’t agree but I think grounding your parents and demanding they are at your beck and call is pretty outrageous and she is in her pregnancy bubble forgetting anyone else has ever had a baby.

This is a lovely approach x