To tell pregnant DD we won’t cancel the theatre?

[Yournw]

DD is unfortunately pregnant with her first baby, without a partner. She was in a relationship and mid way through he left her. It’s been awful and we’ve tried our best to be supportive. She was living with her partner but has since moved back to her own home which is in the same town where we live.

She is due to have a c section in 9 days. The due date is a week later so she’s around 36 weeks now.

She is extremely anxious about going into labour and being alone in the house with nobody to take her to hospital. We have obviously said we will do this if that should happen and she can call us.

However..we are supposed to be going to the theatre this Saturday which is around an hour drive away. DD is not happy about this and has asked us not to go so that we are nearby should anything happen. DH is adamant we should go to the theatre and not miss the show. He is strongly of the opinion that she’s in her thirties and can look after herself and if she was to go into labour then the first hour or so isn’t going to make much difference.

DD is now distraught and I feel stuck in the middle. What would you do?!

I think this is different. OPs daughter sounds extremely anxious. She has described her as distressed. Her partner left her when pregnant. She probably is feeling very fragile, so it’s nothing like your situation.

Is your husband her father?

He's being a total dick.

Yes I didn't like the use of this either. It's unfortunate the relationship broke down, not unfortunate you're going to have a grandchild soon..

But back to your post, I would still go to the theatre because is 36 weeks still a tad early? Would you be prepared to leave the theatre and get to her in an hour if she was to go into labor? I can understand her worries but I'm also trying to think what are the chances she will go into labor in those couple hours.

I think you mean prospective. (Weren't you a teacher?)

Not everybody goes up to 40 weeks. 90% of gestations fall somewhere between 37-40 weeks. 5% (1 in 20) will last less than 37 weeks, and 5% will last more than 40 weeks.

To answer your question, I don't expect any prospective grandparents to give up work to be there for their anxious 30 year old daughter, however the OP isn't at work, she's going to the theatre and her daughter is asking her to be there because she is anxious and she feels like she needs her parents.

She's frightened and she's on her own. Her age is irrelevant. Either your husband isn't her father or he has his head up his own arse. I don't know which. But she needs you, desperately. Even if he thinks she shouldn't, she does - that's a simple fact.

You need to parent the child you have - not the one you think you should have. Even if they are an adult. Parenting doesn't stop at 18. She could still be frightened once she has the baby. It can be terrifying being responsible for a newborn with all the hormones, especially as the baby's dad has done a runner.

Bottom line is this: she needs you. She won't need you forever. You might need her. And you can bet your ass that if you don't step up now, she certainly will remember that when you are elderly and need help.

“She is due to have a c section in 9 days. The due date is a week later so she’s around 36 weeks now.”

My maths is rusty but I think you’re missing a week somewhere - is she closer to 37/38 weeks?

What do you want to do? You make it sound as though your husband lays down the law and takes a dim view on ‘female hysteria’ - she’s obviously scared and stressed and unless you faced motherhood alone you won’t be able to understand fully how she’s feeling. That said, at 36 weeks I wasn’t remotely packed for the birth and was driving several hours each way for a holiday. Has your daughter got any support from a therapist or the maternity MH team? Could it be lined up to have a private session that day you’re off to the theatre so she’s talking to someone constructive and also not alone alone?

this seems like perfect advice

People are different. OP's dd is frightened. OP needs to help her.

Yes I meant prospective. Autocorrect for some reason, decided that I didn't.

she needs you this isn’t unreasonable in the situation she is in, she is scared and feeling alone and vulnerable. it’s really frightening having a baby on your own when you didn’t think you would also your first baby you have no real idea of what to expect no matter how many books you read women tell you their experiences

surely being their for your child when they really do need you is what parenting is about it doesn’t stop when they are an adult

It's an hour away. Tell her you will check your phone every 10 mins, quick glance at it. And if there's any issue you'll drive straight to the hospital whilst she goes in an uber.

So if I’ve got this right, Saturday, when you plan on going to the theatre, will be 5 days before her c-section and 12 days before her due date, so she’ll be over 38 weeks pregnant?

If that’s correct then yes, I’d definitely cancel. As others have pointed out, she’s feeling anxious, alone and vulnerable. There’s no way just a couple of theatre tickets would come before supporting my DD in this situation regardless of how old she was or the likelihood of her going into labour that evening.

Let her book the hotel. Better for her to learn you can't be depended upon before the birth rather than after.

DD is unfortunately pregnant with her first baby, without a partner.

Unfortunately? What a fucking vile thing to say. Your judgement is seeping through.

Your poor daughter. Her partner left and is now being judged by her own mother.

To add, as other PP's have pointed out, if her due date is about a week after her scheduled C section date she's probably around 38 weeks now.

In our local trust they schedule you in somewhere in your 39th week unless there's a medical need to do it earlier. Mine was 39+5, so quite literally 2 days before my due date.

It very much could be imminent.

I mean I feel sorry for the daughter, I get that she is anxious but I can’t ever imagine making these sorts of demands on my parents! The replies make her sound like a vulnerable teenager instead of an adult woman in her 30’s. Also, being pregnant when your partner has left you IS an unfortunate situation. Maybe not of your making but still an unfortunate turn of events.

I’d cancel the theatre.
Your DH doesn’t sound very caring.

Read the thread. You are the one doing the judging. That isn’t what she meant by unfortunate at all. Why do some people always assume the worst of others?

Don't worry. It was very clear what you meant.

I agree with this. I think your husband sounds very uncaring

I would cancel the theatre.
This is your child's first baby. She is alone without a partner for support. If she goes into labour while you're away and there are unforeseen delays getting to the hospital, or God forbid, complications while she's in labour you won't forgive yourselves. And even if everything is straightforward, your daughter will always associate the birth of her first child with your clear demonstration that she is not a priority in your life - that a trip to the theatre meant more to you than the birth of your grandchild. Why would you risk that?

Considering it’s her first baby, I very much doubt anything is going to progress much within a few hours, just keep your phone on silent/low brightness so you can check in with her, obviously if she had gone into labour that day you would cancel.

I will say, my parents weren’t very happy about my pregnancy and it really ruined our relationship. Not just at the start of my pregnancy but just before I had the baby and when she was very young. They got better and adore her now (nearly 10 years later) but our relationship hasn’t been the same since.

Please be there for your daughter as much as you can. I can imagine she feels very alone right now. Bringing a baby into the world, especially alone is terrifying.

I think the question, OP, is if something untoward were to happen whilst you were at the theatre, and if she phoned for an ambulance and it didn't arrive on time (which is entirely possible) would you ever forgive yourself?

You honestly think you’re in a position of moral superiority when you make unwarranted personal attacks on posters you disagree with? Amazing.

This!!!