To not want stepson coming into the main house?

[Articlewait]

DP has a 17 year old DS from a previous relationship.

He lives with us FT and has done for about 4 months. We moved about 5 years ago and we had an annexe in the garden, and it's his house basically. It has a tv and tv and a mini fridge in sort of a living room, his bedroom with a double bed and an en suite. He does need to come in the house for proper meals but the annexe has everything he needs really. Before he moved in FT this was his space when he stayed.

Anyway, we have some issues with him and his behaviour, he doesn't go to college, he stopped going to school so didn't get his GCSEs. He smokes weed and other drugs, the annexe is a total mess with cans and bottles everywhere. He never tidies it but somehow has no shame and invites other lads and girls over and when they're here they all come into the main house for food, he has a fridge with food and other snacks that he asked me to buy him so there's no need to come into the house unless for meals which it isn't

He disturbs my DC and always leaves the back door open, he uses our bathroom and wees everywhere and he's constantly in and out and complains he's “bored”, he came in today and left a can of energy drink on the side and then complained because I threw it away. The energy drinks are all he drinks, I'm not happy about it! He then started winding the DC up when they were quietly reading and generally giving an attitude and being not very nice. He then came back in about 20 minutes later demanding I cook him dinner.

DP is hardly ever here tbh, he also makes excuses for him. I dislike stepson, would it be U to ban him from the main house?

He’s living like this because he hasn’t been given any boundaries. Children don’t feel safe without boundaries and they push and push until they can feel the edges. He still hasn’t found them. And now he’s out of control. He needs a lot of guidance, oodles of love and some very strong boundaries put into place to turn this around.

He was behaving like this long before he moved in full time. So much so his actual mother couldn't cope no more so left OP to deal with it. She is not the cause of this.
And why would she refer to her DC as his brother and sister instead of her DC. She doesn't even call them my children, she made it short as possible like everyone else does on here

But I guess he didn't think that by agreeing to have the annexe, he wouldn’t be allowed back in the house at all. Doesn’t sound like he was given the annexe out of love, but more out of something that was beneficial to OP and his DF - sounds like they were more than happy with the arrangement.

Jeez. About a hundred years ago when my Grandad was a boy aged about 11 his mum died and his father quickly remarried. His new stepmom quickly decided he was a hindrance. He wasn’t allowed in the house . He slept in an outhouse with animals from then on until he lied about his age to join the army. He died later in WW2.

Things haven’t changed much except now kids have a fancy annexe with a mini fridge rather than a cow shed.

Poor kid.

You can’t just a the 17yo from the house. The problem is that the father isn’t parenting his son. If he won’t step up and do that work, they both need to leave.

Just banning the teen from the house will make you part of the problem. As long as his father lives there, that is the child’s home. If they both leave, it is out of your hands and maybe the father will finally take action.

The two adults decided to set up house and not give him a space of his own. They expected him to share with her ds. I can’t make out if it’s a much younger half sibling or her ds from a previous relationship.

His father needs to get his finger out and start parenting him. Poor boy.

It's very easy to label him as bad. Certainly aspects of it are inconsiderate, but fall within the realm of normal teenage behaviour (raiding the fridge, being messy, asking for dinner etc). Often poor behaviour is associated with low self esteem. Apathy and a lack of motivation can be signs of depression. We're talking about a child who's parents divorced and whose dad went on to have more children with another woman. On top of that his own mother kicked him out and he's been stuck in an annex. He's had a lot going on. Smoking weed certainly won't help however.where does he get his money from to buy weed and energy drinks? I would not allow any drugs on the property including the Annex. I would ensure that you're not financing this as a couple.
Then, i would sit him down and try to see what interests him and where be thinks he should start re qualifications and work. Have you looked at any college courses or apprenticeships? Even if he can't get onto one, it could encourage him to resit his GCSEs. I think that he needs clear boundaries, help finding his way and support.

He is barely a child! He is 17. He could be 18 in a month or two, would that make a huge difference? Legally an adult.

But, it sounds like the kid has issues and 2 not so great parents. The OP isn't a parent and the OP has already been told that none of it is her business by her hubby. That does make life a lot harder for all, esp if dad working away most of the time.

A very difficult situation. I hope the dad steps up a lot before it's too late.

Ah so that’s why he’s taking drugs, living like a pig and winding up the younger siblings too.

Yes, this is very likely the reason. @terriblemuriel2

Teenagers feeling unloved may display low self-esteem, withdrawal, anger, and a disinterest in new activities, sometimes leading to substance use.
AI overview.

I'm no psychotherapist but it's plain to see that SS is behaving so wrecklessly because he feels unwanted and uncared for. This is most likely the crux of why he is using weed to alter his mindset. He has let his pride go to the way side, so this reeks of depression, too.
This young person doesn't officially have a home, regardless of being given permission to live in their annexe. If he felt at home, he would have pride in his surroundings. His step mother has no authority whatsoever over him, and he knows it. He is abusing himself and the house rules because he can. His dad isn't there, so why should SS care?
This kid has no rules to follow. We've established op doesn't have any authority over him and his dad has made sure of that. With no rules to follow, a mother who abandoned him and a father who ignores him, why should he follow the rules of life? Would you?!
What should happen is dad needs to take him under his wing. Take him to work with him as an apprentice, and get him back into college to take his GCSEs. He needs to earn his place in the world, and in the house he lives in, whether he sees it as his home or not, he needs to show some respect. No handouts of money - he doesn't need any ATM with a roof over his head and food provided for him. He needs to be worked from the crack of dawn until dinner time, when he is too exhausted to even think about calling up his dealer!
Bit by bit dad can start supplying him with rewards like driving lessons, and then start putting money aside that SS has earned for a car and insurance, and gym membership - or jiu jitsu, or rugby or whatever sport takes his fancy - because he will need to redirect his down time to something away from the waster friends he has.
This is on his dad. Not op.

You have a DP problem who isn't parenting. And seemingly never has.

Target your anger at him.

Perhaps there wasn't enough space? We don't know the house layout. The annex actually sounds good, I'd have loved that at 17! I think it's less of an annex problem than a kid who needs a good mum and dad problem. Mum given up on him, Dad not around and dad telling OP that it's none of her business - the adults need to get themselves sorted out and try and guide this kid towards a better future.

Christ, It's all a bit Harry Potter's cupboard under the stairs. Poor child.

And yes, your partner sounds like a monumentally shit dad.

@Articlewait and invites other lads and girls over

It never ceases to amaze me how NEETs always seem to be popular among women.

Hardly! It's not an annex problem - come on, any 17 year old would love their own den, esp compared to sharing a room with a young half sibling.

It's a parental problem.

He wanted the annexe because he didn't like sharing not because they didn't want him in the house. He already was in the house. Since he's been in the annexe his attitude has gone downhill.

It's not having the annexe, it's the fact that the OP wants to ban him from the house.

And I can understand why. 17 years old, even with perhaps feeling unloved or depressed will still be aware of his actions and would've been told not acceptable and ignored that anyway.

The dad needs to step up massively but he's hardly there and sounds like can't be bothered. Very sad.

Are we forgetting here that the boy's own mother threw him out? And presumably that wasn't because he was too quiet, tidy, studious, considerate and clean living. So these issues predate the annexe and everything else.

If the not-so-DH has told OP that what his son does is none of her business, and the boy himself has told the OP that he can do what he likes and doesn't have to listen to her, I don't see how she can singlehandedly find a way through that.

This is on the boy's own parents, the OP is doing her best with absolutely no support or respect. I'd be seriously thinking about ending the relationship to protect the younger children. Before SS decide that that's become their job as OP won't.

edit - SPAG

You again?

Every post I (unwillingly) read of yours, you’re absolutely insufferable and so far out of touch with reality, it’s shocking.

I don’t think anybody should be taking parenting advice from someone who openly stated they would flee the country with their child rather than “allow” 50/50 custody.

I don’t get all the pearl clutching at the annexe - I moved out at his age. Many people do. It should and could be setting him up for independence if his father actually stepped up and parented him.

OP, your DH needs to step up. Change job. Focus on his family and helping his son turn his life around. There is no other way. And if you are worried your step son might harm you, and your husband still hasn’t realised he needs to be more present… I’m not sure I could forgive him.

It’s a very odd generalisation to say 17 year old boys don’t sit quietly reading - when my brother and I were teenagers that was what he did much of the time

It’s a very odd generalisation to say 17 year old boys don’t sit quietly reading - when my brother and I were teenagers that was what he did much of the time

You won’t get much sympathy on here. They hate stepmothers and MILs but I bet most OPs wouldn’t want to be in your position.

It’s easy to say “poor little darling” when you aren’t faced with the issues!

I do agree though that you have a DP problem and ultimately he should be sorting this.