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Original poster

To not want stepson coming into the main house?

372 replies

Articlewait · 07/10/2025 20:17

DP has a 17 year old DS from a previous relationship.

He lives with us FT and has done for about 4 months. We moved about 5 years ago and we had an annexe in the garden, and it's his house basically. It has a tv and tv and a mini fridge in sort of a living room, his bedroom with a double bed and an en suite. He does need to come in the house for proper meals but the annexe has everything he needs really. Before he moved in FT this was his space when he stayed.

Anyway, we have some issues with him and his behaviour, he doesn't go to college, he stopped going to school so didn't get his GCSEs. He smokes weed and other drugs, the annexe is a total mess with cans and bottles everywhere. He never tidies it but somehow has no shame and invites other lads and girls over and when they're here they all come into the main house for food, he has a fridge with food and other snacks that he asked me to buy him so there's no need to come into the house unless for meals which it isn't

He disturbs my DC and always leaves the back door open, he uses our bathroom and wees everywhere and he's constantly in and out and complains he's “bored”, he came in today and left a can of energy drink on the side and then complained because I threw it away. The energy drinks are all he drinks, I'm not happy about it! He then started winding the DC up when they were quietly reading and generally giving an attitude and being not very nice. He then came back in about 20 minutes later demanding I cook him dinner.

DP is hardly ever here tbh, he also makes excuses for him. I dislike stepson, would it be U to ban him from the main house?

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 07/10/2025 22:21

Who is funding his lifestyle?

neilyoungismyhero · 07/10/2025 22:23

Glitchymn1 · 07/10/2025 20:42

^

That poor child. Neither of you are fit to parent him. You’ve put him in a shed. Shame on you.

Show quote history

Usually the op would be told to keep her nose out and she shouldn't attempt to parent the SS. It's not her business. Step parents can't win.

RampantIvy · 07/10/2025 22:25

TBH it sounds like he has been failed by both of his parents. I feel for you @Articlewait

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/10/2025 22:27

I don’t think it was a good idea to put him in the annexe in the first place. He may have wanted the space but he is and was too young for it.

My dd is nearly 17, just post GCSEs, and even though she’s very mature for her age, she’s not old enough to live in an annexe - basically having her own house. In her Dad’s house she has the loft extension, granted, but that’s only because they’ve got little ones (as well as my DS11 when the two of them are there) on the first floor so need to be on the same floor. And it’s not like an annexe with a separate front door and its own facilities.

Also his Dad needs to be around more! It’s his job to sort his son out and get his life turned around, not yours. No one should be being aggressive to you in your home.

Between his Mum and Dad he’s been massively neglected- even if kids think they want this, it’s not in their interests!

Sporadica · 07/10/2025 22:31

DP often works long hours and often in different areas, so it falls to me to do most of the parenting for SS and our DC...

This isn't working; can he adjust his hours so that he spends more time at least in the evenings and weekends with his children, and especially his 17yo who apparently has no one else? He can ask you to do more than half of the childcare if you're willing, but you can't delegate parenting. If money is an issue, has he been getting everything he's entitled to in terms of CMS from the 17yo's mother?

peggam · 07/10/2025 22:32

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/10/2025 21:05

Exactly this. I have a 17 year old, the year above and I’m horrified at how little care and parenting is going on. Teenagers need far more parenting than little kids. This is a fundamental age and he’s been completely failed by both his parents.

You came in at the start of this time in his life, just about to hit the teen years. And it sounds like it may have torpedo’d things somewhat. I cannot think what possessed the 2 of you to set up house and expect him to share a room with your ds. That was never going to go down well.

Show quote history

All of this, but I'm sadly doubtful that much of it is going to land with the OP. It's really hard to read, tbh. I feel so sorry for him.

I was an unparented 17 year old. It's taken decades to start dealing with the issues it left me with.

Being banned from the house is the last thing he needs. What he needs is much closer supervision, guidance and being welcomed into a family, albeit with boundaries. Either you or your DH need to step up urgently

Yep.

PlaceIntheClouds · 07/10/2025 22:37

There is a far bigger picture rather than house or annexe.

Your partner needs to get a job closer to home in order to parent his son before he goes off the rails completely. All the warning signs are there.

terriblemuriel2 · 07/10/2025 22:37

Dublassie · 07/10/2025 21:20

OMG this so so sad 😢!!! I hug my big lads when they come in every day from uni . One of them is nearly 21!!! This poor kid must feel so unloved …..

Yes so unloved with his cushty living arrangement and own space.

I guarantee if this was op’s bio son and not a stepparent situation then people would be falling over themselves to tell her how awful he is. And probably what a shit parent she is because everyone loves sticking the boot in on this site.

As it happens, this has just turned into another pathetic blended families bashing thread.

Wishitsnows · 07/10/2025 22:37

What sort of example is your ‘DH’ to your children? I see you are not bothered about your SS but he sounds like a bit of a shit parent which your children can see now

AC246 · 07/10/2025 22:37

You feel threatened by him, he is using drugs and you have children.
You must be completely dependent financially on his father to be tolerating this bullshit.
I wouldn't tolerate drugs near my children.
Talk to Women's for advice.
He's clearly out of control with useless parents whom have zero interest.
Protect your children.

Fabricated · 07/10/2025 22:40

Yes so unloved with his cushty living arrangement and own space.

All the money in the world is no substitute for a mother's love. @terriblemuriel2

Stompythedinosaur · 07/10/2025 22:40

You can see that you're talking about a child, right? Expecting a literal child to live, banished in an annex, rather than being properly cared for and have his emotional needs met?

I don't know how you can live with yourself. I'm saddened his df allows him to be treated like this.

I'm not surprised his behavior is poor, he's being mistreated by the adults he should be able to trust.

Doubledenim305 · 07/10/2025 22:43

AC246 · 07/10/2025 22:37

You feel threatened by him, he is using drugs and you have children.
You must be completely dependent financially on his father to be tolerating this bullshit.
I wouldn't tolerate drugs near my children.
Talk to Women's for advice.
He's clearly out of control with useless parents whom have zero interest.
Protect your children.

This. Absolutely 💯

If his dad isn't doing it, I'd be moving out.
His mum and dad have just given all the work and stress to you without a moments thought. Absolutely unacceptable.
Yes the boy is suffering neglect and lack of discipline. But that is not OP fault or issue to fix. Yes support DH . Not do it herself.

PlaceIntheClouds · 07/10/2025 22:44

Stompythedinosaur · 07/10/2025 22:40

You can see that you're talking about a child, right? Expecting a literal child to live, banished in an annex, rather than being properly cared for and have his emotional needs met?

I don't know how you can live with yourself. I'm saddened his df allows him to be treated like this.

I'm not surprised his behavior is poor, he's being mistreated by the adults he should be able to trust.

A literal child? 😞

literal? 😖

As opposed to what other sort of child?

Murphs1 · 07/10/2025 22:46

I understand people saying it’s because his emotional needs aren’t being met he’s acting up, but I’m just thinking about my daughter who is 17 and in a year will be living at uni accommodations without a parent across the garden or even nearby and fending for herself.

terriblemuriel2 · 07/10/2025 22:46

Fabricated · 07/10/2025 22:40

Yes so unloved with his cushty living arrangement and own space.

All the money in the world is no substitute for a mother's love. @terriblemuriel2

Ah so that’s why he’s taking drugs, living like a pig and winding up the younger siblings too. He’s almost a full grown man and he’s behaving like this. I’m not surprised op doesn’t want him in her home, he sounds vile. And I’m sure if it was her bio son acting this way she’d feel the same.

Stop falling over yourselves to excuse such shitty behaviour. He needs to sort himself out.

BrokenWingsCantFly · 07/10/2025 22:47

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/10/2025 20:55

I’m imaging (I have a soft spot for troubled teenagers) this unloved, uncared for, untethered 17 yo boy. Nothing that gives him stability or comfort, no parent to guide and support. How lonely and sad he must feel. No wonder he’s smoking weed. There’s a big hole inside him and he’s filling it best he knows how.

They desperately need their parents at that age. They pretend they don’t but they really really do.

OP I assume you were hoping you could just form a family, with him providing but not parenting and the parasitical SS would just ‘fall off’ the host at some point. I mean, what was your plan for who would be the father in this family?

It doesn't sound like OP had those thoughts about her SS at all.
It is his actual parents which have failed him. His mum couldn't cope no more so give up. His father hasn't got time for him so give up. Leaving OP to become the full-time parent with no parental rights or standing to be able to correct his behaviour without feeling intimated. This is a very unusual circumstance for a step parent to land themselves in and (like the actual parents) she is now finding it too much as has reached her limit. Just because she is the last 1 left, doesnt mean she should bare the full burden now and was hoping to get rid of him all along.
Her DP needs a big wake up call that these issues are serious and as a man who should have simular size to feel safe going against him. He would be the most capable to fix this. He needs to prioritise this child over his own career and spend the time and effort to assist his son urgently. If OP said she can't deal with it anymore, then the dad would have to step up. She has been given a job without the correct tools. This ain't on her

Rainbows41 · 07/10/2025 22:47

Your partner moved his son in, funds his habits and tells you it's none of your business. He then turns his back on his entire family and calls it "working away", whilst you're expected to put up with his sons drug taking, abusive behaviour that is apparently "none of your business". You're supposed to keep your home clean, orderly and smooth running whilst bringing up two younger children who have a role model who acts the way SS does whilst their dad stays out of it and out of the home.
You need to leave op. For your own sanity and for the sake of your children's future. Your life will be much easier just you and the younger ones. Husband can have his son all to himself, as "it's none of your business" anyway.
Ducks in a row! 🐤🐤🐤

TeddySchnauzer · 07/10/2025 22:48

He’s behaving like this because he can sense your dislike of him! Poor kid. The ‘main house’ is his home! Where his father lives, you have no right to ban him from his own home!
Also I find it interesting that you said “my dc” when referring to your kids, rather than “his brother/sister”

Doubledenim305 · 07/10/2025 22:50

TeddySchnauzer · 07/10/2025 22:48

He’s behaving like this because he can sense your dislike of him! Poor kid. The ‘main house’ is his home! Where his father lives, you have no right to ban him from his own home!
Also I find it interesting that you said “my dc” when referring to your kids, rather than “his brother/sister”

Am sure OP said SS WANTED the annexe to get peace from other kids.

OP is the innocent in all of this. Poor woman. She needs her DH to really step up or as someone else said, get her ducks in a row and leave.

DressOrSkirt · 07/10/2025 22:51

I think using the annex as a bedroom is ok considering he didn't want to share anymore and is 17. But that's all it should be, the rest of the home should still be a shared space for the whole family including him.

You've basically soft barred him from the main house as soon as his sleeping arrangements changed. In just your OP you've said:
there's no need to come into the house unless for meals
and
he uses our bathroom

You need to change your attitude. The annex is his bedroom due to lack of space in the main house, but the main house is still his home. If you treat him like he belongs there you might just see a different side to him.

cadburyegg · 07/10/2025 22:51

Yet another blended family where a first child isn’t prioritised by either of his parents. The younger children always come first….

Homegrownberries · 07/10/2025 22:51

You've essentially put him under the stairs, like Harry Potter.

The poor kid obviously has problems that he isn't getting any support for

TeddySchnauzer · 07/10/2025 22:51

This is almost as bad as when my parents threw me into a homeless hostel with my clothes & teddies in bin bags, when I was 16. Difference being I was 10 miles from home but fucking terrified and like this kid likely feels, I felt rejected and unloved. It’s affected me for the rest of my life since (now 41).

RawBloomers · 07/10/2025 22:52

You’re scared of your DS, OP. And your younger children will have picked up on this. From your description - the drugs, lack of engagement in society, disrespect and lack of compliance - I don’t blame you, I think that’s sound risk assessment.

I think you have a reasonable case to tell your DP that you don’t want DS in the house when DP isn’t around. In fact, a good case to say DS can’t live there full time unless DP changes his job to one where he’s around everyday.