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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want stepson coming into the main house?

372 replies

Articlewait · 07/10/2025 20:17

DP has a 17 year old DS from a previous relationship.

He lives with us FT and has done for about 4 months. We moved about 5 years ago and we had an annexe in the garden, and it's his house basically. It has a tv and tv and a mini fridge in sort of a living room, his bedroom with a double bed and an en suite. He does need to come in the house for proper meals but the annexe has everything he needs really. Before he moved in FT this was his space when he stayed.

Anyway, we have some issues with him and his behaviour, he doesn't go to college, he stopped going to school so didn't get his GCSEs. He smokes weed and other drugs, the annexe is a total mess with cans and bottles everywhere. He never tidies it but somehow has no shame and invites other lads and girls over and when they're here they all come into the main house for food, he has a fridge with food and other snacks that he asked me to buy him so there's no need to come into the house unless for meals which it isn't

He disturbs my DC and always leaves the back door open, he uses our bathroom and wees everywhere and he's constantly in and out and complains he's “bored”, he came in today and left a can of energy drink on the side and then complained because I threw it away. The energy drinks are all he drinks, I'm not happy about it! He then started winding the DC up when they were quietly reading and generally giving an attitude and being not very nice. He then came back in about 20 minutes later demanding I cook him dinner.

DP is hardly ever here tbh, he also makes excuses for him. I dislike stepson, would it be U to ban him from the main house?

OP posts:
ChaliceinWonderland · 07/10/2025 21:45

Where are his parents? How can you watch this teenager self destruct?
Very odd set up. I'd call social services on you . Heneedx help and a loving home.

SunnySideDeepDown · 07/10/2025 21:46

What kind of active parenting does he/has he received? Sounds like he’s gone off the rails and the adults around him (including you) have all passively taken a back seat. He’s only 17.

Where he getting the money for all his energy drinks, drugs and vapes from? Why are you accepting his dysfunctional and damaging lifestyle?

Have you all given up him and his future? He’s your husbands child fgs, doesn’t your husband care about him?

reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson · 07/10/2025 21:47

JMSA · 07/10/2025 21:42

Another joyous blended family model.

Yes, difficult teenagers happen in blended families exclusively. Every other teenager is a sweet angel that has never touched a joint in their lives.

Petitchat · 07/10/2025 21:48

ChaliceinWonderland · 07/10/2025 21:45

Where are his parents? How can you watch this teenager self destruct?
Very odd set up. I'd call social services on you . Heneedx help and a loving home.

You would call social services on OP and not his actual parents?

Eenameenadeeka · 07/10/2025 21:50

This is so sad. He needs better parenting, not to be banned from the house. It's no wonder he behaves badly when he's being seriously neglected. Would you really think it was okay for your own child, to say "well he has his own house" at 17? (And younger, because you have had him out there since you moved??) Your partner needs to parent better but your attitude towards this child is really sad.

Holluschickie · 07/10/2025 21:51

reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson · 07/10/2025 21:47

Yes, difficult teenagers happen in blended families exclusively. Every other teenager is a sweet angel that has never touched a joint in their lives.

Show quote history

No..But at least if my teen drops out if school, my DH wouldnt tell me it was none of my business.

OP, tell your DH to parent.
Or leave.
Banning your DSS from the main house will do no good at all.

TicklishMauveSquid · 07/10/2025 21:52

Whatshesaid96 · 07/10/2025 20:50

You can give a teenager more space than banishing them to a shed. You could easily have turned it into a pad for him to have space but yet he slept in the house. He is 17 and basically only allowed in for main meals. No wonder he is acting out. Does anyone actually have a conversation with him that is more than could you pass the ketchup? He sees you all from across the garden playing happy families whilst he is forbidden like he is the black sheep of the family. I'm afraid your DH needs to come and parent his child properly, put some proper boundaries in place and force him into work or back into education. Give the kid some self pride back instead of being bored out of his head.

Totally agree.

What is the set up at his mother’s house? Stepfather and new DC as well. Mum kicked him out because she was also fed up of him?

It must be awful to be a teenager in the middle of that. Parents moved on with new families and they are just there, not part of it but can’t get out of it either.

Does he eat his dinner with you or take it to his annex?

His Mum and Dad definitely need to work together to carry out an intervention and actually parent their son who is obviously a very troubled young man.

He needs mental health support for a start for his anxiety which will be worsened by cannabis use and one of his parents making sure he gets to sessions. Then looking into an apprenticeship or a job.

Your DH also needs to spend 1:1 time with him on a weekend doing a hobby or maybe going to the gym if he’s not already to try to get him to open up.

A frank discussion with both parents and step parents there to talk about how he feels about himself and why he’s sabotaging his life and REALLY listen is needed too. Also making clear about boundaries and respect for where you all live.

mindutopia · 07/10/2025 21:53

His dad needs to take time out of work and possibly change his working pattern to be around to parent his son. It sounds like the lack of availability and presence from his parents is probably why he’s ended up like this. It must have been very sad for him. Your dh needs to be there for him, put boundaries in place and parent.

BonneMaman77 · 07/10/2025 21:54

The problem here now is that your DH is not parenting his son. It doesn’t matter how long he works, he needs to step up as a partner and a parent especially if his son is solely in his care and not behaving well.

It sounds like the child has been pushed out by his parents and of course his behaviours match their absence and rejection.

DH needs to set rules and follow through. Some rules that come to mind from your OP:
• DH must spend time with DSS regularly and do his schooling. It is his responsibility to help shape the child into an adult who can take care of himself.
• DSS friends are not allowed in the main house
• DSS needs to clean his space every week overseen by DH
• If DSS pees on the floor he needs to clean it up (never mind that you’d probably re do)
• DH needs to take step to deal with his CHILD’s drug habits

Agapornis · 07/10/2025 21:55

You have a DP problem. He's an absent father.

Split up, make them move out and fingers crossed he'll parent his son.

Energy drinks are really bad for teenage health (can cause seizures and heart problems, I've seen it happen), as is weed (brain development), and online radicalisation (misogyny) obviously doesn't bode well either.

TheDenimPoet · 07/10/2025 21:57

Weird that he lives in an annex in the first place to be honest. If his behaviour is as bad as you say, I feel like having so much of his own space is only going to give him more chance to behave badly!

Your DP needs to sort this out. Firstly, no smoking in your home (and this includes the annex as it is also part of your home). Then, he has to keep the space neat and tidy. He is OF COURSE welcome in the main house, but not with friends, and if he winds up his younger siblings he needs to leave.

Sounds like he's living his absolute best life, but at the same time it'll be destroying him.. if that makes sense. A 17yo doesn't know what's good for them, even if it feels great at the time.

Get him back into the main house. Set some proper rules. Parent him!

CrownCoats · 07/10/2025 21:58

ComtesseDeSpair · 07/10/2025 20:32

It doesn’t sound like a viable set up. His dad is barely around and he’ll know you dislike him; does he have his mum involved? I’d imagine all of these things are contributing significantly to his poor behaviour, none of the adults in his life are interested in him and he’s living on the periphery. His parents need to step in properly and start supporting their son, not isolating him further and if that means DH changing his job so that he isn’t away and leaving it up to you all the time, that’s what needs to happen.

Edited

Exactly this. The poor kid sounds miserable, no wonder his behaviour is appalling.

Who’s paying for all of his drugs and energy drinks?

The adults in his life have created this mess and now they want to punish him for it. He’s been very let down.

indoorplantqueen · 07/10/2025 21:59

It’s clear nobody wants this lad around. Any wonder he’s acting up and doesn’t give a shit.

Toofficeornot · 07/10/2025 22:01

If you don't feel safe alone with him, you don't think your kids are safe, you can't parent him and he basically lives in yohr garden with his actual parents away or never there then this is just not working for you, him or your DC. The kid needs a parent to take charge. His own actual parent. Dad needs to find a job that allows him to be home more and not piss off around the country leaving you, your DC and his SC in this impossible situation alone.

pinkyredrose · 07/10/2025 22:04

OMG. That poor boy. Abandoned and unloved and uncared for in the annex.

Bloody hell he's not Oliver Twist! Are people missing the fact that he actually wanted to live in the annex? Abandoned my arse.
The annex was a luxury given to him and he's abusing it.

jolies1 · 07/10/2025 22:04

Lotsnlotsoflove · 07/10/2025 21:44

The number of men who get re-married thinking that their new spouse will take on the parenting of an existing (often very needy) child is gobsmacking. It is always the case on stepmother threads that there is a rubbish/absent dad not pulling his weight and a stepmother trying to hold things together in an impossible situation. It's infuriating.

I wonder how many of these new wives felt sorry for their DH who was treated so terribly by their nagging ex wife… then realise once they are married and left to do all the parenting why the first marriage broke up!

NewHere83 · 07/10/2025 22:05

He's a child in your family and under your care, so it would be unreasonable to ban him from your house - far more appropriate I think is to ban him from the annexe and treat him like the child he is, in your home with expectations of behaviour including approach to drug use. Unfair for this to all fall on you though - it should be primarily his mother and father, with you providing consistent backup.

Doubledenim305 · 07/10/2025 22:10

I'm 💯 with you OP. I absolutely couldn't live with that situation.
Stepson doing whatever he likes, dad a million miles away from the work involved in bringing up his son and you are left to deal with it all. And I'm sure you will be hated by stepson for being such a moan.
Id be selling up and moving into two houses. His dad can live with him and you can be free to bring up your kids in normality..
Not your job to fix him

JanetareyouokareyouokJanet · 07/10/2025 22:10

No offence to you OP but I don’t know how you’re living like this. I’d have lost my rag a long time ago. I believe children should all be treated the same and if this was my child they have not been allowed to live like this for a week. It’s for his benefit too.

brunettemic · 07/10/2025 22:11

Articlewait · 07/10/2025 20:28

Hopefully my child wouldn't behave like this in the first place.

Show quote history

That’s not an answer.

Endofyear · 07/10/2025 22:12

Articlewait · 07/10/2025 21:04

No, we didn't move him out when he was 12. He and DS were sharing a partitioned room. Then about a year ago he was complaining about sharing. The annexe was already there but more a games room that he'd go in to chill but we eventually ended up converting it and he stayed in there when he was here and now full time.

He started refusing to go to school, he complained he was anxious but DP didn't do anything to help him he just gave in and it wasn't any of my business (his words), he still uses the anxiety excuse a lot but I don't believe it.

I try to speak to stepson but he ignores me and says he can do what he wants. And yes, I am worried he might hit me. I also don't want him spouting misogynistic things in front of DS and DD’s

As is so often the case with threads about stepchildren - the problem is your partner OP. He needs to step up and parent his child. Your 17 year old SS needs boundaries and he needs his father to spend time with him. That's what you need to tackle - it's not fair for you to be left to try and parent and almost adult child that you're afraid of.

DrPrunesqualer · 07/10/2025 22:13

Suggest Clinical Partners ( or similar ) for an assessment on depression anxiety etc.

With this he can get support should they find he needs it

DashboardConfession · 07/10/2025 22:15

Rainallnight · 07/10/2025 21:27

This is an absolutely brilliant point.

Show quote history

It was my first thought. His parenting is so shit it's a divorceable offence for me. And they're not married so it's even easier.

Fabricated · 07/10/2025 22:16

I see voting is conveniently turned off. Poor little lad. YABVU.

TeenLifeMum · 07/10/2025 22:20

Coconutter24 · 07/10/2025 20:58

Shall we forward that on to his dad for you?!

Show quote history

Totally blame the dad but I would not respect a man who treated their own dc like this whereas step mum seems to want mn collective permission to be shitty to get step son and conveniently wipe the slate clean when the problem becomes to big. She married a man with a dc.