Housework while on maternity leave

[Olderbutneverwiser]

Hello

I am struggling with the housework split whilst on maternity leave. Don't get me wrong my partner is great and does his fair share. He has always asked one thing of me, do one thing each day and he will do the bigger stuff. Some days I dont do anything but other days I'll do lots: ie fill dishwasher, empty dishwasher, put washing on, hang up/out clothes, put baby clothes away, tidy nursery, make dinners etc.). He even comments that "mummy has done lots today" and when I say to him "I feel bad i haven't done much today" he will say "yes you have, you're looking after our daughter". Although he is now saying he has only said this once (he says it most weeks).

I also go to 3 baby groups during the week, I meet with other mums and socialise (usually once/twice per week) and I visit my parents (1 hr away) - all with baby.

For dinners, we take turns who makes it. I sometimes make dinner in advance in slow cooker - curry, bolognaise, etc. Sometimes once per week. After he finishes work, I tend to work my dog for an hr, get home and then we decide who will cook dinner.

Badically what I'm getting at is, dinner is never planned out. Although partner works from home, he can be finished his work anywhere between 530-7.

Saturday after baby swim lesson, partner took himself away for 1.5 hours, didn't say anything and cleaned the whole kitchen while I looked after our baby. Yesterday when he finished work I heard him cooking dinner. He gave me dinner and whilst we were eating i noticied a spider on my little girl and i jumped (i have a fear). He got up annoyed and flicked it off telling me I could have done that. I said I would have I didn't ask him to do anything. He then starts saying I do nothing all day, I do no housework and when I do it's a rarity. He also kept saying "if I didn't make dinner who knows when we would have eaten" ive told him we need to agree a time for dinner and it isn't my.job which he agreed. I was confused as dinner is never planned out, he was acting like he always makes dinner which he doesn't. He then said all I do is swon around on maternity leave meeting friends for cake and coffee and hes the one working and "carrying us all".

It did piss me off. When I pointed out that I do make more dinners than him and then he said that dinners arent housework and so its invalid when I'm trying to make my point. I said to him entertaining a baby who doesn't like lying down, who is trying to grab everything and who is teething is hard work. I also said im tired after he finishes work as i then walk my dog fir an hr and he could do it sometmes. He said it was my choice to own a dog and he doesnt trust other dogs and so he doesnt want to walk her as he will find it stressful. He also said its my choice to own a dog (he has two cats i have a dog, these are pets from before we met). I may have called his cat an arsehole after that as he is on medication and I do my fair share, on my partners instruction of making sure he eats his medication and not letting the other cat eat it. This arsehole cat doesn't want to eat sometimes and so we follow him around for ages to eat and then we need to supervise both cats so the other doesn't eat it. Do I want to do that? No. I dont like cats but I dont bloody refuse.

Out of spite I've now contacted nurseries for a full time place as I dont want to accused of doing nothing if i were to reduce my hours as we had thought about reducing my hoursto keep nursery costs down but why should I to he moaned at. I have felt sad today as I feel I'm spiting my little girl by doing that when all I want to do is spend time with her. Im so angry. I called him a washed up 50 year old (there's an age gap!) And feel awful but he turned so nasty. Apparently I do nothing and the spider was the straw that broke the camels back. He's apologised but only for reacting.

Im glad I typed that all out. Feeling sad and a bit teary. Happy to be told if I'm being unreasonable as I can get emotional and very defensive when I'm criticised and this can cloud my judgement.

Who's in the wrong
Also, what did housework/pets look like for you on maternity leave?

I dont take back the cat arsehole comment, the cat is an asshole.

I agree, op also mentioned baby bringing up milk and choking which sounds like reflux/allergy. Have you tried to get this addressed op? It could account for some of the screaming? Has baby always been this way?

Everyone's new parent experience is completely different stop being a dick.

Further to my earlier posts ... the sooner you are realise this is NOT about housework etc, the better. You are not intimate, physically or emotionally.

You are heading for the break up at speed.

You need to change your whole head about this situation if you want to keep your partner in your life.

Whether it's fair/not fair, it's irrelevant. It's always women who organise weddings and funerals. Men are clueless about social kind of things.

You need to make a decision if you want to keep the guy. And act accordingly. I am not saying you must have sex. However, there are ways of keeping intimacy alive. Watching a movie together, going for a walk together, plain old blow job etc. I hope you get the gist

I won’t ask how you will cope if you have another child and go back to work. My partner worked on the rigs when I had my first baby - I had to go back to work after 12 weeks and be on the ward for 7am. I had to do everything when I got home and never begrudged anything…

You mean the groups he told her to go to?

Big red flag there. I really can't imagine my husband ever insisting that I take our babies to a certain number of groups or saying anything beyond "That's nice", whatever I decided to do with them. The notion is laughable.

Ignore, OP. There's some weird people on MN these days.

OP, you sound very young and a bit immature. I’m wondering if you have a health visitor you can speak to, or whether early help could support ?

What? So that her husband doesn’t have to be an adult and look after his own home / cook dinner etc?

No, so the OP can do a bit less socialising and a bit more adulting.

The split is very unfair at the moment, and all the OP's clubs etc is taking up a fair amount of time.

Even if she cut them in half she'd still be going twice a week and perhaps her parents could visit her, to save the two hour round trip.

We are new to area. I found it hard having friends and family an hr away. She suggested I started going to groups. That's why I socialise I have made some mum friends in the area. I felt so down and lonely having no one near. The blow job comment made me laugh.

I go visit parents to give him downtime. He tends to make a pizza, watch a movie do some hobby stuff. He has never asked me to do this but he isn't very socialble and he needs downtime too.

He has had her three times alone while Ive met friends alone. Twice of those times I came home and he was stressed as baby cried and he couldn't get anything done! Make it make sense!!

You need to get her used to being put down or you’re in for a world of difficulty later. When I needed to do stuff when DCs were little I popped them in the pram and wheeled them around with me or positioned them in a bouncer.

So he does the same amount of housework and works full time?

True Plenty of people have returned to work full time by then and still have houee and baby to cas for when they get home

I am completely empathizing with you as I'm going through the teething phase right now. It's bloody tough and you go to Mums groups to make it through the day!

He couldn't handle her on his own never mind do the house work at the same time and he needs reminding of that. It is bloody hard!

I'm sorry for you, I have a fantastic partner, who is my PARTNER in every sense of the word. He wanted to stay home from work today as our little one is ill, on a day when he had a really important meeting. He wanted to do it to help me out. He gets how hard it is because he takes our baby alone to give me time to myself and he understands.

I would sit your DP down for a chat.

You called him a washed up 50 year old?

That's mean and harsh and disrespectful. He's working, contributing around the home, doing dinners, and you said that? He's doing the same amount of housework as you and working full time? You need to be putting your baby down or baby wear. What you're doing by carrying her constantly through the day isn't sustainable.

What is it you actually want?

I'd suggest marriage counseling. You've got resentment and contempt building against your husband and those are not going to help your marriage thrive or survive.

She also works full time!!! Just more hours.

Sure.y at 5 months she's getting too big for a baby bouncer chair

My husband did encourage me to go to groups. Because he could see I was lonely and fed up of being at home and my energy levels to do anything beyond the absolute essential had plummeted. Which sounds a lot like OP. Is there any chance you could have PND?

I agree so much with this.

I’m in a similar situation at the moment.
My bf WFH and I’m on maternity.
He does all the food shopping and cooking. He does about 30% of the laundry. He also does a lot with the baby evenings/weekends and does bits like sterilising the bottles etc.

I do the rest of the housework. 70% of laundry, washing up, hovering, cat litter, cleaning…and all those invisible little jobs like filling up the soap dispensers, restocking loo roll etc. Constantly sterilising bottles and organising baby clothes etc.

Anyway, none of this is a major issue and we are both happy with the split but this post I’ve quoted resonates with me because sometimes I resent him for:

• Having a lunch break where for 45 mins a day he can just totally chill, do what he fancies and switch off.
• Wheb he finishes work at 5 he often stays upstairs for an extra half an hour to just ‘chill.’
• My weekends and weekdays all just merge into one. He gets the productivity of working five days a week, then can switch off at the weekend. When do I get to be “off?” He does a lot with the baby at weekends but I am definitely still “main parent” doing most of the feeds, nappy changes, contact naps.

Things he resents me for:

• Not having to work and to spend so many hours of the day cuddling baby and watching TV.
• Being able to go to baby groups and meet friends for coffee/lunch.

(And as lovely as all that is, it comes with all the mundane stuff like constant laundry, constant tidying, constant feeding etc. And I can just never switch off or fully relax when looking after the baby, especially as he is awake a lot during the day.)

What!? My 8 month old loves his, how big do you think these babies are?

Really? And what about parents who actually are working full time then coming home and sorting house and baby, and often other kids as well. Just how many more hours is OP doing that those?

My 7 month old grandson is 24lbs and crawling so wouldn't stay in one

🙄 yes God forbid that she complains because her situation isn't the worst. She works from when the baby gets up until they go to sleep and presumably night feeds. Women supporting women eh.

Ensuring a child has a clean and safe home is part of caring for a child. So she would have her priorities absolutely right if she was keeping on top of the housework and other domestics.