Housework while on maternity leave

[Olderbutneverwiser]

Hello

I am struggling with the housework split whilst on maternity leave. Don't get me wrong my partner is great and does his fair share. He has always asked one thing of me, do one thing each day and he will do the bigger stuff. Some days I dont do anything but other days I'll do lots: ie fill dishwasher, empty dishwasher, put washing on, hang up/out clothes, put baby clothes away, tidy nursery, make dinners etc.). He even comments that "mummy has done lots today" and when I say to him "I feel bad i haven't done much today" he will say "yes you have, you're looking after our daughter". Although he is now saying he has only said this once (he says it most weeks).

I also go to 3 baby groups during the week, I meet with other mums and socialise (usually once/twice per week) and I visit my parents (1 hr away) - all with baby.

For dinners, we take turns who makes it. I sometimes make dinner in advance in slow cooker - curry, bolognaise, etc. Sometimes once per week. After he finishes work, I tend to work my dog for an hr, get home and then we decide who will cook dinner.

Badically what I'm getting at is, dinner is never planned out. Although partner works from home, he can be finished his work anywhere between 530-7.

Saturday after baby swim lesson, partner took himself away for 1.5 hours, didn't say anything and cleaned the whole kitchen while I looked after our baby. Yesterday when he finished work I heard him cooking dinner. He gave me dinner and whilst we were eating i noticied a spider on my little girl and i jumped (i have a fear). He got up annoyed and flicked it off telling me I could have done that. I said I would have I didn't ask him to do anything. He then starts saying I do nothing all day, I do no housework and when I do it's a rarity. He also kept saying "if I didn't make dinner who knows when we would have eaten" ive told him we need to agree a time for dinner and it isn't my.job which he agreed. I was confused as dinner is never planned out, he was acting like he always makes dinner which he doesn't. He then said all I do is swon around on maternity leave meeting friends for cake and coffee and hes the one working and "carrying us all".

It did piss me off. When I pointed out that I do make more dinners than him and then he said that dinners arent housework and so its invalid when I'm trying to make my point. I said to him entertaining a baby who doesn't like lying down, who is trying to grab everything and who is teething is hard work. I also said im tired after he finishes work as i then walk my dog fir an hr and he could do it sometmes. He said it was my choice to own a dog and he doesnt trust other dogs and so he doesnt want to walk her as he will find it stressful. He also said its my choice to own a dog (he has two cats i have a dog, these are pets from before we met). I may have called his cat an arsehole after that as he is on medication and I do my fair share, on my partners instruction of making sure he eats his medication and not letting the other cat eat it. This arsehole cat doesn't want to eat sometimes and so we follow him around for ages to eat and then we need to supervise both cats so the other doesn't eat it. Do I want to do that? No. I dont like cats but I dont bloody refuse.

Out of spite I've now contacted nurseries for a full time place as I dont want to accused of doing nothing if i were to reduce my hours as we had thought about reducing my hoursto keep nursery costs down but why should I to he moaned at. I have felt sad today as I feel I'm spiting my little girl by doing that when all I want to do is spend time with her. Im so angry. I called him a washed up 50 year old (there's an age gap!) And feel awful but he turned so nasty. Apparently I do nothing and the spider was the straw that broke the camels back. He's apologised but only for reacting.

Im glad I typed that all out. Feeling sad and a bit teary. Happy to be told if I'm being unreasonable as I can get emotional and very defensive when I'm criticised and this can cloud my judgement.

Who's in the wrong
Also, what did housework/pets look like for you on maternity leave?

I dont take back the cat arsehole comment, the cat is an asshole.

That's the thing, he might do more but it's not alot more. I also let him eat dinner and hold out baby while she's feeding and tell him not to rush. I then dont hand her over in a hurry and let him cracj on with his hobby (he paints little figures and does this on the sofa next to us). So he does get down time. Baby comes to toilet with me, I don't shower alone (baby is in toilet with me) when I get ready I carry moses basket around. Even at the weekend I do this and have really quick showers while he does all this stuff alone and showers for 20mins watching videos

You seem to want a medal too!

You’re really not helping yourself by being a martyr and holding the baby all the time. She won’t come to any harm left safely while you have a wee!

You both sound like you think the other one isn’t pulling their weight. Why does baby go into bathroom when you shower? If dad is home could he spend that time with baby? Could you all go for the occasional dog walk? You need to have a clam chat over what you each do and how to make it feel fair for both of you?

OP @Olderbutneverwiser all babies teeth and dont nap regularly. You were very rude to your partner, especially referencing his age.

You’re BOTH at home all day? You should keep on top of things. Filling or emptying the dishwasher takes no time. I used to walk the dog with the baby in a sling or a buggy.

You don’t sound like much of a team.

My husband wfh but is away this week. Wow, is it making me appreciate how much house stuff he does during his work day (which is always filled with meetings).

When I was at home with babies, he worked long days in London. He’d come home after a long commute and whisk away children for baths and stories, and more often than not, cook our dinner afterwards. But as the one at home (and I did every baby group going as I found SAHM life dull), I made sure the fridge was full, the dog was walked, the house was clean and the laundry done. You find ways.

To be honest I’d be annoyed if my DH took a dog for a walk for an hour every day after work. It’s eating in to your evening and means as soon as he gets in you go out for a whole hour and dinner doesn’t get done. Can’t you take your dog for a long walk in the day whilst baby is in a sling? You’d then have more time together after he gets back from work.

You sound exhausting.

I'm not sure loading and unloading the dishwasher and washing machine, putting away baby clothes and preparing meals is actually housework. It's basic life maintenance and if you are at home, you crack on with it.

I call housework, wiping paintwork, vacuuming, dusting, polishing mirrors, mopping floors, cleaning kitchens and bathrooms.

It does sound as if you both need to mature a little and stop calling tit for tat.

OP you're changing your tune now you're getting some pushback. It sounds like you were really unpleasant to your partner who does sound generally helpful and supportive. Calling nurseries out of spite is pathetic.

You need to get used to putting your baby down. It's better for both of you. You realistically cannot carry her all the time (and tbh I doubt you do).

You seem to want praise for cooking something in the slow cooker once a week and occasionally putting on some laundry. That would wear on me too. During both my mat leaves I did all the housework and cooking, even with a partner who worked from home some days.

I don't think it sounds like you do very much and you seem to go to a lot of baby groups and go out a lot. Which would be fine if you were also pulling your weight. I'm not sure you are.

When on maternity leave the basics of “housework” like dishes, laundry, sorting dinner etc I did, I was the one free to do them and honestly it takes a few minutes of the day.

I wasn’t doing any big deep cleaning every day- we’d do that together at the weekend, but the basics were done by me daily, it doesn’t take long.

It sounds like you both need to talk seriously about things like when dinner is, whose job it is to do what, broadly speaking (it's absolutely part of the household tasks) and both give each other a bit more credit. He was a dick to you during an argument and it sounds like you were quite rude back - by the sounds of it, not outside the bounds of normality when a couple are adjusting to having a baby. Take the chance to think about this stuff now as it'll get much harder when you're back at work. You both need to adjust expectations of one another. It sounds like you do more of the small stuff which to him seems less significant, but keeps things running - whereas he does the big stuff like one big kitchen clean every few months. You did choose to have a dog who needs an hour's walk, so I see his point there.

Some of the practical stuff is just about building habits (make a weekly menu and cook for it). You may also want to prioritise your time, eg buying tinned soup and spending your time on batching dinners. Perhaps traybakes (The Roasting Tin type cook books) are good as well - just assemble at whatever point you get a minute's peace, keep in fridge until time to cook. Ultimately remember the point is to get through it together not to each win points. Good luck!

On mat leave I did all cleaning and laundry and most of the shopping. DH cooked and pulled his weight with DC when home. I walked baby in the pram every afternoon, for almost two hours - I didn’t do groups as i was going back to work at 8 months and I got my break by getting out if the house for a good walk every day. But both of mine were ok to lie down in the Moses basket, or pram, aside from colicky evenings in the first 3 months so I can see how a baby who demands to be held constantly is harder work. Personally I would try to get baby used to being put down in the cot as I don’t think my baby could have stood the constant carrying, but that seems to be an old fashioned view now.

I think there needs to be some compromise here, and a rowing back from unpleasant comments on both sides.

He does same amount of housework as me. He didn't make any dinners last week, didn't out any washes on and then he does it all one day and then tells me i do nothing. I only wanted to go one baby group, he told me to get out more and go to groups, he gathered all the info. I go to my parents house to give him downtime.

• took baby for jabs
• made pot of soup
• made banana bread
• made curry
• walked dog for an hour
• went to friends for dinner with baby
• went to baby group
• did a lot of washing
• 1 hour if general tidying

Tbh OP and I mean this kindly, if that's all you did in a whole week I think he may have a point. Are you feeling down or anything as one of these things should use a lot of energy unless something is going on.

For context most of the above could be done in a day

You need to find time to be a couple, I would say. At the moment you sound like housemates jointly taking care of the baby. This is such a common trap. Resentments often build up to the point of breaking up.

Find a local teenager to baby sit and start having little time as a couple. Many teenagers have experience with young siblings. You don't need to spend a fortune. You can actually have "a night in". However it needs to be the just the two of you

This is not about who does what. When emotional connection breaks down, nit picking creeps in.

I'd understand if he done all the housework but most weeks we do the same amount, except he deals with the bins. Thats what annoys me. He acts like he does everythng. He basically wants a clean house after his work but I'm not a maid, I do what I can. Here he is now asking what he can do to help. He's taking my daughter I'm going yo walk my dog. It would be nice if he offered to do that. Like I help with his medication. I was told he doesn't want a dog and I bought it with someone else earlier. So he isn't a saint after all.

This bit is very hard. But honestly it sounds like DH is doing his best. You need to have more compassion for each other. Being captious is not going to be good for your home environment

How old is the baby? You really don’t need to take her to the toilet with you if she is in a safe place like cot or moses basket and within earshot. Surely loading/unloading dishwasher or sorting washing is just something you do as and when, such as while the kettle is boiling to make tea or a feed. Who is hoovering, cleaning the bathroom, wiping the kitchen, cleaning the oven etc. It seems as if you are micromanaging who is doing what and keeping a tally, creating unnecessary frustration and tension.

You are in the wrong. Lazy.

Honestly you sound lazy

Yes, but he’s also the one working full time and presumably funding the household? In which case he really should be able to rely on you picking up the majority of the “other stuff” like the household cleaning, cooking etc!

Now you're just throwing out accusations to try to make him sound bad. He's working all day. You're at home. You should be doing the bulk of the housework. You're lazy

Ok there is a lot of information here. But I think the main thing is you need to really need to have a conversation about division of labour. Having said that - no offence - but it doesn’t sound like you do very much. I know I know baby is clingy and teething but frankly that’s the reality of most women. You have to learn to get on with it and manage. Most women have more than one child at home, and partners who don’t work from home. Yes he should contribute and take baby off you so you can have a time out 100 percent, but you need to do more than just look after your baby all day. I can see why he would be annoyed.