Housework while on maternity leave

[Olderbutneverwiser]

Hello

I am struggling with the housework split whilst on maternity leave. Don't get me wrong my partner is great and does his fair share. He has always asked one thing of me, do one thing each day and he will do the bigger stuff. Some days I dont do anything but other days I'll do lots: ie fill dishwasher, empty dishwasher, put washing on, hang up/out clothes, put baby clothes away, tidy nursery, make dinners etc.). He even comments that "mummy has done lots today" and when I say to him "I feel bad i haven't done much today" he will say "yes you have, you're looking after our daughter". Although he is now saying he has only said this once (he says it most weeks).

I also go to 3 baby groups during the week, I meet with other mums and socialise (usually once/twice per week) and I visit my parents (1 hr away) - all with baby.

For dinners, we take turns who makes it. I sometimes make dinner in advance in slow cooker - curry, bolognaise, etc. Sometimes once per week. After he finishes work, I tend to work my dog for an hr, get home and then we decide who will cook dinner.

Badically what I'm getting at is, dinner is never planned out. Although partner works from home, he can be finished his work anywhere between 530-7.

Saturday after baby swim lesson, partner took himself away for 1.5 hours, didn't say anything and cleaned the whole kitchen while I looked after our baby. Yesterday when he finished work I heard him cooking dinner. He gave me dinner and whilst we were eating i noticied a spider on my little girl and i jumped (i have a fear). He got up annoyed and flicked it off telling me I could have done that. I said I would have I didn't ask him to do anything. He then starts saying I do nothing all day, I do no housework and when I do it's a rarity. He also kept saying "if I didn't make dinner who knows when we would have eaten" ive told him we need to agree a time for dinner and it isn't my.job which he agreed. I was confused as dinner is never planned out, he was acting like he always makes dinner which he doesn't. He then said all I do is swon around on maternity leave meeting friends for cake and coffee and hes the one working and "carrying us all".

It did piss me off. When I pointed out that I do make more dinners than him and then he said that dinners arent housework and so its invalid when I'm trying to make my point. I said to him entertaining a baby who doesn't like lying down, who is trying to grab everything and who is teething is hard work. I also said im tired after he finishes work as i then walk my dog fir an hr and he could do it sometmes. He said it was my choice to own a dog and he doesnt trust other dogs and so he doesnt want to walk her as he will find it stressful. He also said its my choice to own a dog (he has two cats i have a dog, these are pets from before we met). I may have called his cat an arsehole after that as he is on medication and I do my fair share, on my partners instruction of making sure he eats his medication and not letting the other cat eat it. This arsehole cat doesn't want to eat sometimes and so we follow him around for ages to eat and then we need to supervise both cats so the other doesn't eat it. Do I want to do that? No. I dont like cats but I dont bloody refuse.

Out of spite I've now contacted nurseries for a full time place as I dont want to accused of doing nothing if i were to reduce my hours as we had thought about reducing my hoursto keep nursery costs down but why should I to he moaned at. I have felt sad today as I feel I'm spiting my little girl by doing that when all I want to do is spend time with her. Im so angry. I called him a washed up 50 year old (there's an age gap!) And feel awful but he turned so nasty. Apparently I do nothing and the spider was the straw that broke the camels back. He's apologised but only for reacting.

Im glad I typed that all out. Feeling sad and a bit teary. Happy to be told if I'm being unreasonable as I can get emotional and very defensive when I'm criticised and this can cloud my judgement.

Who's in the wrong
Also, what did housework/pets look like for you on maternity leave?

I dont take back the cat arsehole comment, the cat is an asshole.

So mine isss trying to get out of it at this stage but he does like to chill in it and just look around, mainly at me hanging out washing 😂

I walked my dog in the middle of the day with baby in sling. Nap time for her and exercise for me and the dog. Honestly I didn't manage any housework whilst on maternity because baby hardly slept but I always walked the dog with baby in sling or pram. It was the easiest chore to do!

You don’t sound like you do an awful much tbf!! And it does sound a lot of swanning around eating cake! I do 90%of housework and 90%of cooking; baby doesn’t sleep through night and barely naps. We do a baby class most days but after that I’m rushing to get home to sort stuff out. I’m also back at work (only 1 day a week for my KIT days). My partner leaves the house about 530am and gets home after his second job around 830 / 9pm. I think you are luckier than you think yourself to be

Thought they not meant to use them once they can sit upright. So 6 months isherwood

She's getting a hell of a lot of support from her DH. What should one woman who does twice as much be supporting someone doing very little

My boy is still falling to the side when he sits upright....does that mean I can still use it?! 🤞🏼

Because bitterness is not an attractive trait. She's having a hard time, just because it's not as difficult as someone else's doesn't mean it's not hard for HER.

Also bloody hell, DH had a baby too. The women on this thread seem to have a low bar for how much their partners support them.

Should imagine so although not 100%. I've never known any babies that age still in them tbh. Best ask someone who has

Who isbitter? A whole generation of women who didn't get paid to sit at home for 9 months? Or tge current parents that are back at work

Surely people should only expect support from their partners not random women

Ultimately you aren’t going to completely agree because you haven’t been in eachothers shoes. At the moment you’re competing instead of working together when all you need to do is communicate effectively about your days and how full/empty your battery is and go from there.

We are a same sex relationship & have carried/taken full mat leave once each. The 2 circumstances are both stressful for different reasons tbh, i have just gone back to work from MAT leave this week and the amount you are doing socially is a lot. I’m not saying it’s too much but I would say it is above average and maybe it is slightly burning you out? How old is your baby?

In my opinion there is no excuse for name calling. And do you not see that it’s petty and toxic for your baby to grow up around?

I don’t mean to sound patronising but have you thought about setting aside an hour a week to plan what needs doing for the week ahead and working out who does what?
Also, and again I honestly don’t mean to sound patronising but getting in to a routine with housework really helps. Putting a load of washing on takes 5 mins, putting the dishwasher on even less, unloading a dishwasher takes 5 mins.

You don’t have to have high standards but 2 adults should be able to keep a house clean and functioning, it does seem that you are putting obstacles on every suggestions PP’s have said

Ive tried sling but she cries. I used to take them both during day (dog and baby) but baby cried in pram and dog barked at other dogs as was acting more protective. She's a German shepherd so he pull is hard. It was stressful.

Can't be arsed to wade through all the rudeness towards you. You're on maternity leave, not housework leave. Get bits done to keep things ticking over, but otherwise get out of the house and go to all the baby groups if that is working for you/getting you through the teething.

Your husband shouldn't be saying it's ok one minute and not the next. That's a power play.

Stop mucking about with money. He obviously pays more as you only have maternity pay. Don't try and "treat" him back. It's confusing, like he says. You're a team, not dating.

Go out alone for as long as he does his hobby stuff. It's the only way he'll learn how relentless it is to have a baby all day with no break, trying to get stuff done.

And you still expect him to walk your badly trained dog for you?

Omg why should I feed his cats?, supervised when they are eating. Up and down stairs all day letting them in / out house. He wouldn't even walk my dog after I gave birth. I did that and was in pain with stitches. And as for housework he made one dinner last week and cleaned the kitchen on one day. He said the dog is taking up time in the evening needing a walk and I should pay a dog sitter!!
I get that I'm lucky and I love him but I have no idea why he is being painted a saint

How often are you walking the dog, gs need a lot of exercise. Do you have a dogwalker? You might just need to try more than once as babies change over time and what doesn’t work with a newborn might with a slightly older baby. If she is refluxy the pushchair seat might work better than a pram/moses basket. Where do you keep the pets during the day?

Dog downstairs, cats upstairs although they are out alot.

With the baby?

Its the "you do nothing" one minute and the next day telling me I've done lots and to chill with our daughter. Its telling me to enjoy myself and stay out aslong as I want and then making snide comments that I'm out all day drinking coffee. It's the comment of him paying more bills and then refusing to take more money

What you're doing is fine, OP, so long as it's what you want to be doing. You could cut the groups, but if you need social interaction to keep you sane and happy, then do what suits you.

Presumably you don't micromanage your husband while he's at work? So you're not constantly popping up to his office to make sure he's not slacking and doom-scrolling when he could be getting his work done more quickly? Demand the same consideration from him. How you do maternity leave is your own business.

Do the bits and bobs you can do during the day, and then you can split the chores and baby care after he's finished work in the evening.

You should not be pushing yourself physically with a grade 3 prolapse. You should be taking time to rest and heal.

What? I spend most time downstairs with baby and dog

Maybe remind him that he's not your performance manager?

Somedays I do feel lazy but on those days he tells me I'm looking after our daughter and shushes me if I tell him I know he does more. He has since said he had a bad day at work yesterday.

Yep, sounds like he's messing with your head. Is there anyway you can ditch him and do this alone?