Housework while on maternity leave

[Olderbutneverwiser]

Hello

I am struggling with the housework split whilst on maternity leave. Don't get me wrong my partner is great and does his fair share. He has always asked one thing of me, do one thing each day and he will do the bigger stuff. Some days I dont do anything but other days I'll do lots: ie fill dishwasher, empty dishwasher, put washing on, hang up/out clothes, put baby clothes away, tidy nursery, make dinners etc.). He even comments that "mummy has done lots today" and when I say to him "I feel bad i haven't done much today" he will say "yes you have, you're looking after our daughter". Although he is now saying he has only said this once (he says it most weeks).

I also go to 3 baby groups during the week, I meet with other mums and socialise (usually once/twice per week) and I visit my parents (1 hr away) - all with baby.

For dinners, we take turns who makes it. I sometimes make dinner in advance in slow cooker - curry, bolognaise, etc. Sometimes once per week. After he finishes work, I tend to work my dog for an hr, get home and then we decide who will cook dinner.

Badically what I'm getting at is, dinner is never planned out. Although partner works from home, he can be finished his work anywhere between 530-7.

Saturday after baby swim lesson, partner took himself away for 1.5 hours, didn't say anything and cleaned the whole kitchen while I looked after our baby. Yesterday when he finished work I heard him cooking dinner. He gave me dinner and whilst we were eating i noticied a spider on my little girl and i jumped (i have a fear). He got up annoyed and flicked it off telling me I could have done that. I said I would have I didn't ask him to do anything. He then starts saying I do nothing all day, I do no housework and when I do it's a rarity. He also kept saying "if I didn't make dinner who knows when we would have eaten" ive told him we need to agree a time for dinner and it isn't my.job which he agreed. I was confused as dinner is never planned out, he was acting like he always makes dinner which he doesn't. He then said all I do is swon around on maternity leave meeting friends for cake and coffee and hes the one working and "carrying us all".

It did piss me off. When I pointed out that I do make more dinners than him and then he said that dinners arent housework and so its invalid when I'm trying to make my point. I said to him entertaining a baby who doesn't like lying down, who is trying to grab everything and who is teething is hard work. I also said im tired after he finishes work as i then walk my dog fir an hr and he could do it sometmes. He said it was my choice to own a dog and he doesnt trust other dogs and so he doesnt want to walk her as he will find it stressful. He also said its my choice to own a dog (he has two cats i have a dog, these are pets from before we met). I may have called his cat an arsehole after that as he is on medication and I do my fair share, on my partners instruction of making sure he eats his medication and not letting the other cat eat it. This arsehole cat doesn't want to eat sometimes and so we follow him around for ages to eat and then we need to supervise both cats so the other doesn't eat it. Do I want to do that? No. I dont like cats but I dont bloody refuse.

Out of spite I've now contacted nurseries for a full time place as I dont want to accused of doing nothing if i were to reduce my hours as we had thought about reducing my hoursto keep nursery costs down but why should I to he moaned at. I have felt sad today as I feel I'm spiting my little girl by doing that when all I want to do is spend time with her. Im so angry. I called him a washed up 50 year old (there's an age gap!) And feel awful but he turned so nasty. Apparently I do nothing and the spider was the straw that broke the camels back. He's apologised but only for reacting.

Im glad I typed that all out. Feeling sad and a bit teary. Happy to be told if I'm being unreasonable as I can get emotional and very defensive when I'm criticised and this can cloud my judgement.

Who's in the wrong
Also, what did housework/pets look like for you on maternity leave?

I dont take back the cat arsehole comment, the cat is an asshole.

Sounds like you aren’t coping, life with a baby is a juggling act but definitely doable and no excuse for not doing housework. Put the baby down and get on with it, if you feel you aren’t doing it because you are depressed go and get help.

He is not the father of your daughter, is it correct?

It is a big ask for a man to be a partner when there is a baby involved. Men like the world revolve around them. Having a biological child together means they are less selfish. Whether you find it fair or not, it's beyond the point. This is how the world is made.

You urgently need to find opportunities to connect with him. Or lose him. I don't see any other option. It seems to me from your posts, he is tiring of it all.

She isn’t only your daughter, she’s both of yours yet you keep referring to her as yours.
Walk the dog in the daytime? You have the whole day.

I’m not trying to make this into a competition. But to compare. I am a single mum of 3 (one at uni and 2 younger) I’m 7 months pregnant. I had no say in becoming single but here I am.
Everyday I will get 2 children to school, walk the dog, clean the house, sort washing, dishwasher etc. I will continue to do this when I go back to work after maternity leave. My ex would cook and clean after work but I would never leave him with the kids to walk the dog when I could easily do that when he was working.
Even when we were together I would do all that stuff because he was working 12 hours a day and I was at home. I also went to baby groups, the park etc.

@Kosenrufugirl where did you see OP’s partner isnt the bio dad?

Because OP keeps referring to as "my daughter"

@Olderbutneverwiser out of curiosity how many days has he been at home with the baby on his own? We had twins, after a months paternity leave then my husband went back to work and then starts asking why l aren't doing more round the house 🤣🤣🤣. Errr because we have baby twins, lm breastfeeding, recovering from a c section and have a lot of fluid retention (early phase of pre eclampsia) so can't walk or do stairs easily. Not sure how l didn't lose my temper. Few months later l had a Keeping In Touch day at work and he had them both on his own, he never mentioned it again!

To be honest l think it's a good idea to get back to work. Too often Dad's fall into a pattern of mum's doing all the baby stuff. I would also stop holding them so much and get him to care for baby while you shower

I don't think housework is really the problem here. Do you actually even like each other?

How old are you OP?

You are lazy, and you are both immature and were nasty to each other. Now you plan to spite your daughter to make a point, great job. You two have had a child now and need to learn how to communicate, and honestly you need to do more, you are in a partnership here.

I'm sort of surprised by the attitude on here. You are both ' working ' from home. You are looking after the baby and he's doing work. The chores ;including the dishes- should be split. Having a baby 24/7 is exhausting. It's not swanning about. It's perfectly ok to come home from baby groups and just want to plonk on the couch. He can do his bit. He needs to grow up and walk the dog.

He's done it all in one day as no one had done it all week.

You need to be picking up through the day. You can't be making that much mess. Run the hoover round and wipe down the kitchen.

He's working until 7pm and you are off work.

You need to make him have the baby while you shower and go the bathroom, especially evenings and weekends. Why would you take the DC with you when he's there?

Sound like communication issues rather than either of you not pulling your weight.

You both sound really immature and petty, having this ridiculous point scoring row about who is doing what.
As for taking the baby to the loo and shower, that is totally on you. It's ridiculous. Put her somewhere safe and crack on.

If you need your partner to stay in your child's life for much longer, suggest you heed this advice.

We all have options in life.

Didn't op say her dh didn't want the dog? It was her and a friend?

Yeah you’re definitely taking to piss! I don’t even count emptying or loading the dishwasher as a job 😂 it’s just done non stop , and everything is tidied up as we go. I used to let my baby dry for a few minutes to do stuff or did it when they wernt crying….

Bloke here, who worked 60+ hour weeks while wife looked after a child. It's not easy looking after a young one. Looking after the child and yourself is the most important thing. In my opinion tidying up / washing up is secondary. I was always happy (or at least accepting!) of coming home after a long day to a bomb site and having to wash up and tidy up when home from work.

I would put her down but she sometimes brings up milk and sounds like she's choking. I need to watch her like a hawk when she's in her moses basket as the linen is lose and she grabs it and pull it and sometimes it covers her face.

He is working and he is still doing housework and cooking dinner. The OP seems to do as little as possible.

And sure, it's fine to want to plonk on the couch after a baby group (although they are not exactly taxing), but while on mat leave there should be plenty of opportunity to keep the household running, keeping on top of cleaning and cooking and laundry. Of course there may be difficult days or even the odd tough week but honestly, most of the time, with most babies, it's really not that hard to do.

Glad you commented, I was beginning to think it was me.
My dh would never have berated me for not doing enough housework while caring for a newborn.

@Olderbutneverwiser Your first priority is your baby, afterwards if you can you do housework and cooking.
Walking the dog is really good for your mental and physical health and I would keep doing that.
You are allowed a day to sit on the sofa now and then.
Perhaps video yourself putting on a wash and cleaning up. It seems petty though.

Well for a start you need to get rid of that then! If you know it’s not safe why on earth are you using it?

how old is the baby?

To clear a few things up. When we both met he had two cats and I had a dog. Hence his comment of I bought it with someone else.. ie it isn't his dog. We've been together 3.5 years.

Yes he is my child's dad.

Maybe he encourages you to go out to groups as he is distracted from working by you also being at home. Do you walk the dog and take baby out with you? If he was working elsewhere what support would you expect when he was home? Does he do the babyswim without you there?

5 months. I only use it when I'm walking around as its easy to carry or when she has the odd nap (always in my company)

How old is the baby?

I didn't do huge amounts of housework for much of my maternity leave - first I was ill (I had pre-eclampsia that was not resolved my giving birth and the medication made me feel awful), then DS fed constantly, hourly through the day, sometimes I only had 20 minutes from the end of one feed to the start of the next, then when that stopped, he started waking constantly in the night.

DH never once criticised me for it. Not saying we never squabbled when we were tired and stressed, but no accusations of either of us not pulling our weight.

Are you serious? OP is taking the baby to baby groups, and you think she should stay at home and clean? How many hours a day should she be cleaning?

Also I have to ask - how does one have “down time” while looking after a baby?? 😂 I have an 11mo and trust me I’m not putting my feet up with a box of Milk Tray!

I’n so surprised at this attitude. Maternity leave is for looking after the baby, not scrubbing the skirting boards!