Housework while on maternity leave

[Olderbutneverwiser]

Hello

I am struggling with the housework split whilst on maternity leave. Don't get me wrong my partner is great and does his fair share. He has always asked one thing of me, do one thing each day and he will do the bigger stuff. Some days I dont do anything but other days I'll do lots: ie fill dishwasher, empty dishwasher, put washing on, hang up/out clothes, put baby clothes away, tidy nursery, make dinners etc.). He even comments that "mummy has done lots today" and when I say to him "I feel bad i haven't done much today" he will say "yes you have, you're looking after our daughter". Although he is now saying he has only said this once (he says it most weeks).

I also go to 3 baby groups during the week, I meet with other mums and socialise (usually once/twice per week) and I visit my parents (1 hr away) - all with baby.

For dinners, we take turns who makes it. I sometimes make dinner in advance in slow cooker - curry, bolognaise, etc. Sometimes once per week. After he finishes work, I tend to work my dog for an hr, get home and then we decide who will cook dinner.

Badically what I'm getting at is, dinner is never planned out. Although partner works from home, he can be finished his work anywhere between 530-7.

Saturday after baby swim lesson, partner took himself away for 1.5 hours, didn't say anything and cleaned the whole kitchen while I looked after our baby. Yesterday when he finished work I heard him cooking dinner. He gave me dinner and whilst we were eating i noticied a spider on my little girl and i jumped (i have a fear). He got up annoyed and flicked it off telling me I could have done that. I said I would have I didn't ask him to do anything. He then starts saying I do nothing all day, I do no housework and when I do it's a rarity. He also kept saying "if I didn't make dinner who knows when we would have eaten" ive told him we need to agree a time for dinner and it isn't my.job which he agreed. I was confused as dinner is never planned out, he was acting like he always makes dinner which he doesn't. He then said all I do is swon around on maternity leave meeting friends for cake and coffee and hes the one working and "carrying us all".

It did piss me off. When I pointed out that I do make more dinners than him and then he said that dinners arent housework and so its invalid when I'm trying to make my point. I said to him entertaining a baby who doesn't like lying down, who is trying to grab everything and who is teething is hard work. I also said im tired after he finishes work as i then walk my dog fir an hr and he could do it sometmes. He said it was my choice to own a dog and he doesnt trust other dogs and so he doesnt want to walk her as he will find it stressful. He also said its my choice to own a dog (he has two cats i have a dog, these are pets from before we met). I may have called his cat an arsehole after that as he is on medication and I do my fair share, on my partners instruction of making sure he eats his medication and not letting the other cat eat it. This arsehole cat doesn't want to eat sometimes and so we follow him around for ages to eat and then we need to supervise both cats so the other doesn't eat it. Do I want to do that? No. I dont like cats but I dont bloody refuse.

Out of spite I've now contacted nurseries for a full time place as I dont want to accused of doing nothing if i were to reduce my hours as we had thought about reducing my hoursto keep nursery costs down but why should I to he moaned at. I have felt sad today as I feel I'm spiting my little girl by doing that when all I want to do is spend time with her. Im so angry. I called him a washed up 50 year old (there's an age gap!) And feel awful but he turned so nasty. Apparently I do nothing and the spider was the straw that broke the camels back. He's apologised but only for reacting.

Im glad I typed that all out. Feeling sad and a bit teary. Happy to be told if I'm being unreasonable as I can get emotional and very defensive when I'm criticised and this can cloud my judgement.

Who's in the wrong
Also, what did housework/pets look like for you on maternity leave?

I dont take back the cat arsehole comment, the cat is an asshole.

When I was on maternity leave I did all of the housework, shopping. And about 2/3 of the cooking. I think that’s pretty normal.

Your using a Moses basket with a 5 month old? No wonder she doesn’t nap!

try to get into a proper routine of napping in her cot where she has some space.

People are being unfair to you. Looking after a baby can be difficult and exhausting. I was utterly sleep deprived on maternity leave and I would often fantasise about being at work. Naps were inconsistent and often the babies would only sleep on me. This expectation that the woman should do all the housework during maternity leave is weird and retrograde. But your comment about your husband being washed up was super mean.

He'll make me the odd coffee and I sometimes make him lunch. Yesterday he also got annoyed that I asked how was work he added that to argument. "Why do you ask that, I have nothing to tell you". He works in converted loft. I don't go up there so never distract him.

How old is your baby, OP?

You've had some very weird responses here. I wouldn't leave a small baby crying for more than a few minutes to do housework. Maybe something quick like getting the dishwasher on or putting a load on, but that would be it.

When you have an unhappy baby, for whatever reason, you're exhausted, wrung out and you don't get much done. That's the long and the short of it, really.

Personally I couldn't cope with being "micromanaged" in the way that you are being. I did what I liked on maternity leave and sometimes that included a load of chores and sometimes that didn't. My husband was pretty useless tbh, but he never dictated my schedule or complained if I didn't get round to doing stuff. We lived in a tip sometimes and that was all. If something was important to him and hadn't got done, he did it. My job was keeping the baby alive and keeping sane and as happy as possible (and tbh that was pretty hard sometimes, looking back I suspect I had undiagnosed PND).

I had a similar experience with my DP - but mainly commenting as I love your username! Fond memories of those books.

You need to get a baby bouncer. There were my sanity savers when mine were young

Put her in something else then! All you seem to be doing is putting obstacles in the way of why you can’t do something instead of why you can.

Why can’t you put the baby in the pram and take the dog for a walk? She might have a good nap out in the fresh air.

Doing the laundry and loading/emptying the dishwasher is hardly taxing, nor is making a pot of soup or some banana bread tbf. However reading between the lines it appears neither of you are communicating with each other so a lot of resentment is building up.

I think I'd be pretty pissed off if my DH had the time and energy to go to multiple baby groups but couldn't be arsed to load the dishwasher or walk the dog.

He's not your line manager. You don't report to him.

Go back to work and make sure you are financially secure.. He's checked out.

OP, just be mindful, there is a lot of advice going on Mumsnet just to get rid of the useless idiot.

As if life will be a bed of roses after that.

You also have a man willing to clean the kitchen and do most of the housework. That’s honestly a dream for some of us women!

But you and the baby being in the house may still distract him on the background, on calls etc and any dog noise. At five months you should be able to leave her safely while you shower etc. You are choosing to make this harder. If time for cleaning is an issue can you afford a cleaner once a week?

Baby groups are not for the benefit of young babies, they're a way for parents to socialise.

The OP is socialising at 3 baby groups, baby swimming and her parents house.

That's not 'working from home'.

ETA: And no he doesn't have to walk the OP's dog, especially if he's nervous of other dogs.

Op I get that being on mat leave is not being on holiday, you are there to care for your DC but from what you’ve said you don’t seem to do that much housework.
As a pp highlighted that list you gave of what you did last week was really not a lot.
It does sound your DH, you you started of by saying was great, does do his fair share.
And saying you are putting your DC in full time nursery just to spite your DH is ridiculous.

I would understand his point if he did everything. Housework is probably 60/40. Him doing a tiny bit more. Im annoyed that he said i do nothing. Yet on days I have no plans I'm encouraged to go out "seize the day" he says, yet makes digs at me going out tells me to stay out, dont rush, then complains I'm out all day. Tells me we are one unit and I need to help with cats (but he refuses with my dog). Tells me I never ask about his work, complains I ask about his day. Moans he pays more bills but refuses to accept money I've offered. He is a good guy but hes been such a grumpy recently. We haven't been intimate recently. I have been told I have a grade 3 prolapse and to not do any intende excercise. Im feeling insecure abiut down there and gutted as I had signed up to a bootcamp to lose my baby weight. Im also not depressed. He knows how to push my buttons. I feel awful making digs about him.

It is and I did the same but here apparently you're supposed to spend all day just watching the baby and doing nothing else. Any expectation that you lift a finger is grossly unreasonable.

She's just had a baby. Let's try to raise our standards out of the gutter.

Rule of thumb - one of you cares for the baby, one of you does chores. Switch and take turns.

You might manage to do some bits and pieces around the baby or while they nap, but that's not guaranteed.

It's not sensible for people to say just leave your baby to cry so you can do chores. Yes, leaving them for a few minutes won't harm them, but new mothers are evolutionarily wired to suffer emotional distress listening to their babies cry. It's one of Nature's tools to ensure babies are tended to and survive. It's not fair to expect you to ignore your baby to clean.

She had a baby 5 months ago and she admits that he does 60% of the housework. It isn't having standards in the gutter to think she could do a bit more than one slow cooker meal a lot week plus a load of laundry

What does this have to do with anything?

Surely you don't think women should be grateful to marry a fully functional adult?

She's exhausted and has fairly serious injuries from the birth. The baby is not napping. There is a limited amount that is going to get done in these circumstances until things improve.

4 four baby groups (including swimming lessons for a 5 month old), and a two hour round trip to see her parents, would definitely be exhausting.

Has he ever had her on his own for a whole day while she's teething?

What? So that her husband doesn’t have to be an adult and look after his own home / cook dinner etc?

Bullshit. Baby groups, visiting parents etc is all part of raising a child. He needs to get off his high horse and realise looking after a baby isn’t a holiday.

He uttered the words “mummy did loads today”. He’s a patronising twat.