Housework while on maternity leave

[Olderbutneverwiser]

Hello

I am struggling with the housework split whilst on maternity leave. Don't get me wrong my partner is great and does his fair share. He has always asked one thing of me, do one thing each day and he will do the bigger stuff. Some days I dont do anything but other days I'll do lots: ie fill dishwasher, empty dishwasher, put washing on, hang up/out clothes, put baby clothes away, tidy nursery, make dinners etc.). He even comments that "mummy has done lots today" and when I say to him "I feel bad i haven't done much today" he will say "yes you have, you're looking after our daughter". Although he is now saying he has only said this once (he says it most weeks).

I also go to 3 baby groups during the week, I meet with other mums and socialise (usually once/twice per week) and I visit my parents (1 hr away) - all with baby.

For dinners, we take turns who makes it. I sometimes make dinner in advance in slow cooker - curry, bolognaise, etc. Sometimes once per week. After he finishes work, I tend to work my dog for an hr, get home and then we decide who will cook dinner.

Badically what I'm getting at is, dinner is never planned out. Although partner works from home, he can be finished his work anywhere between 530-7.

Saturday after baby swim lesson, partner took himself away for 1.5 hours, didn't say anything and cleaned the whole kitchen while I looked after our baby. Yesterday when he finished work I heard him cooking dinner. He gave me dinner and whilst we were eating i noticied a spider on my little girl and i jumped (i have a fear). He got up annoyed and flicked it off telling me I could have done that. I said I would have I didn't ask him to do anything. He then starts saying I do nothing all day, I do no housework and when I do it's a rarity. He also kept saying "if I didn't make dinner who knows when we would have eaten" ive told him we need to agree a time for dinner and it isn't my.job which he agreed. I was confused as dinner is never planned out, he was acting like he always makes dinner which he doesn't. He then said all I do is swon around on maternity leave meeting friends for cake and coffee and hes the one working and "carrying us all".

It did piss me off. When I pointed out that I do make more dinners than him and then he said that dinners arent housework and so its invalid when I'm trying to make my point. I said to him entertaining a baby who doesn't like lying down, who is trying to grab everything and who is teething is hard work. I also said im tired after he finishes work as i then walk my dog fir an hr and he could do it sometmes. He said it was my choice to own a dog and he doesnt trust other dogs and so he doesnt want to walk her as he will find it stressful. He also said its my choice to own a dog (he has two cats i have a dog, these are pets from before we met). I may have called his cat an arsehole after that as he is on medication and I do my fair share, on my partners instruction of making sure he eats his medication and not letting the other cat eat it. This arsehole cat doesn't want to eat sometimes and so we follow him around for ages to eat and then we need to supervise both cats so the other doesn't eat it. Do I want to do that? No. I dont like cats but I dont bloody refuse.

Out of spite I've now contacted nurseries for a full time place as I dont want to accused of doing nothing if i were to reduce my hours as we had thought about reducing my hoursto keep nursery costs down but why should I to he moaned at. I have felt sad today as I feel I'm spiting my little girl by doing that when all I want to do is spend time with her. Im so angry. I called him a washed up 50 year old (there's an age gap!) And feel awful but he turned so nasty. Apparently I do nothing and the spider was the straw that broke the camels back. He's apologised but only for reacting.

Im glad I typed that all out. Feeling sad and a bit teary. Happy to be told if I'm being unreasonable as I can get emotional and very defensive when I'm criticised and this can cloud my judgement.

Who's in the wrong
Also, what did housework/pets look like for you on maternity leave?

I dont take back the cat arsehole comment, the cat is an asshole.

I can read. I mean, I typed it?! Yes it was presumptions of me. Apologies for that. See, I have awareness to 😊 you've just made stuff up or read one thing and came up with something else. Again.... where did I say hes lazy and doesn't feed his cats? I'm interested to see what you come up with.

Feeding baby so one hand free... haters would say I should be cooking a roast with my free hand!!

Taken advice on board. Meal planning, batch cooking, taking dog on walks (attempting that today!), listing out chores.. its nasty comments im reacting to.

Here's where you said you feed the cats

Correct. I feed the cats. He does too. The 1st sentence doesnt make the 2nd sentence untrue. Both can be true. Where did I say he doesn't and where do i call him lazy for not doing so?

I'll explain that sentence a bit more as you dont understand. I was merely stating I do my fair share with the cats and he refuses to walk my dog. It was all about him not helping with my dog... oh never mind. Is this how teachers felt when lessons where online during covid?? 🤣🤣

Ignore them. It's the reaction they want and get a little frisson of delight from.

Perhaps! You had a pop though, if I wasn't on MN I'd get more done 🤣
But yes advice taken on board, partner and I have talked and have a plan and things have been better.
Baby is now napping. Im getting a wash ready and then will have breakfast. In the afternoon I'll walk both of them. I need to time it with a nap, I'm not even dressed yet and she'll probably wake soon looking for a feed. She doesn't normally nap this early. Maybe she's read this thread 🤣 but seriously, thank you x
I try not to raise but I get wound up easily and tend to react quickly rather than taking 5 minutes to chill.

Guess you couldn't find it?
That's okay, disappearing without admitting your wrong is the adult thing to do.
Have you taught your kids that? Don't admit your wrong, you can never be wrong, cherub.

As people have pointed out you seem to be a very angry woman l feel sorry for your partner.

You would feel sorry for him. Men can do no wrong on this website at times. A young girl posted yesterday that they have an 11month old and they've had to borrow money for nappies. He gets paid and buys a game for himself. Now things are stretched. People were actually defending him. Unreal. Well, I've fed baby, put washing on, sorted dry clothes out and while partner has a quiet morning at work and is drinking a coffee and following me around chatting to me!

I was in the exact same position with my ex, he was also 50 and I'm 36, I felt pressured to do all the cooking and the cleaning along side looking after a newborn every single day and when I needed to rest he would tell me how much of a mess the house is and make me feel shit if I stayed in my pyjamas all day and watched some TV or if I went out with family or friends with the baby he would also make me feel shit for that and say that the house is in a state... So I couldn't win... I literally exhausted myself to the point where I had to make my house look like a show home which was incredibly difficult whilst looking after a newborn, I had roughly 3-4 hours of sleep a night because I did all the night feeds, when he did a night feed he made me feel shit for it and basically used "I have to go to work and you don't" excuse...and when I went back to work nothing changed. I'd work for 10 hours come home make tea, feed the baby ,bath the baby ,make the babies cot for bed ,change all the nappies, take up laundry whilst hanging some out.... Whilst he napped on the couch. This went on for 2 years, I was crying all the time and it affected my job, eventually I left him and moved out and rebuilt my life and I'm much happier on my own and we have equal share of my child. Hes begged for forgiveness but I will not go back to that life. I'm not saying you will go through the same but you need to put your foot down and talk to each other before about these things and comprise before its too late as you don't want to go through what I did. Keep strong.

Oh, for goodness sake. Why are you doing this, OP? Why are you still on an MN thread, three days later, aggressively arguing with strangers? What for? It’s not solving anything and it’s clearly not good for your mental health, so why?

According to your posts last week in your house the only housework that got done was one clean of the kitchen, one hour of tidying, and one load of washing. You cooked two meals only.

Is that right or are you missing out quite a lot that he did?

I made two meals during the day with baby. He made a dinner or two (cant remember) and then I made rest adter walking the dog. He couldn't do this as was feeding baby.

And no other housework? Your place must be filthy.

I wouldn't say filthy. That's harsh. Its untidy sometimes. General tidy always done so there isn't clutter always around. But yes sometimes rooms could do with deep cleans.

I agree. I urged OP yesterday to step away as she’s sounding more and more unhinged. I hope Mumsnet take this thread down.

Well it certainly sounds like you do very little tbh 🤣 its really not hard to keep a clean house with a baby

Gosh this was a rather amusing thread initially (always find the concept of posting on AIBU without self reflection from replies fascinating) but genuinely concerned about your mental health OP.

Your replies are increasingly manic as well as aggressive.

Your train of thought is all over the place and exceptionally hard to follow - seems so manic.

Have fun arguing with people online all you like, but you’ve been so rude about your partner - not his housework etc, but core traits - I would be appalled if my husband spoke about me like this…. Well he’d be out the door in a minute.

You speak at length about women being unfairly burdened, inequality etc - everyone can have their view - but I would be horrified by a man speaking about their partner like this. Why is it ok for a woman?

I do hope this isn’t a reflection of your mental health (which would also explain why it’s harder to do the core house tasks and feeling overwhelmed?). but if it is, please do seek help. New mum life can be tough, but help yourself too as your mental health may require support.

My mental health is fine 😖
Ove done two washes, had breakfast and hoovered livingroom. Going to have a coffee now whilst baby is on play mat with her sensory toy. This is what I mean, someday I do lots and some days I dont. Its on the days I dont he tells me I never do things.
I was really mean with what I said to him I said that from thr get go and have apologised many times to him.
I agree my relies have been getting manic. I just feel like I've put it all to bed and then I see another cheeky comment which riles up all my annoyance from a few days ago.

And before anyone says that isn't alot. Ive had three feeds ans 4 nappy changes so far and yes, been on my phone replying to friends and family. I just hate being called lazy as someday.. I wish I was!

Its isn't about who is right and who is wrong.
You need to communicate with each other about what you would like and expect from other person then you try and meet halfway.
On maternity leave I would expect the person off to do the dinners. Perhaps sit down togther at the weekend. Do onljne shop and plan meals for the week

For anyone who commented genuinely and felt like I was nasty to them, I didn't mean any rudeness, I am sorry if I have come across agressive. I dont apologise to nasty posters. I need to remember they are in the minority and I shouldn't rise to it. But thank you for everyone's tips. I have taken these on board. Today has been a good day and very productive around the house. Please dont think I am sitting at home doing nothing while baby naps. I am hopefully going out a walk soon with baby and dog. I haven't done it in so long and it might be easier with stroller and if I continues to tire baby out now. Thanks all. Have a good weekend.

Oh OP, I didn’t know that this thread was still going. I’m sorry that you’re still having a hard time on here. People on Mumsnet rarely apologise, so I recommend disregarding anyone who offers no constructive or supportive advice. People believe they understand you and your life completely just because you've shared a few details here, yet refuse to acknowledge when they’ve made a mistake. You are not obligated to justify yourself. Just ignore the judgmental posters. I find it amusing that people claim you have been rude and aggressive in your replies when that is exactly how they have spoken to you and insulted you. The irony! But you won't get anywhere with them, so just brush them off and pretend they and their shitty opinions don’t exist.

Just focus on you and your baby. I hope things get better soon. Take care xx

people just love a pile on op.

You have self reflected, you acknowledged one of your comments was unfair, and you had a chat with partner as suggested.

I have a baby who will only contact nap, and also does not like slings or carriers. I'd get annoyed being called lazy for not cleaning much through the day, as I find it logistically a nightmare, not impossible, but hard work. I'd much rather wait till my husband is home to take care of baby will I whizz around cleaning, than make both me and baby stressed and leave her to cry while I'm in an agitated state trying to get things done. Where as I actually enjoy cleaning while my husband has her, i find it a nice break.

I manage to get shopping done, kitchen counters clean, washing on, dish washer filled, and dinner cooked with baby, everything else waits till I'm baby free.

I understand that's not an option for some, but this isn't the misery or multitasking Olympics. I really don't care if some women somehow find it a doddle to clean house and look after baby at the same time, I don't 🤷‍♀️