Housework while on maternity leave

[Olderbutneverwiser]

Hello

I am struggling with the housework split whilst on maternity leave. Don't get me wrong my partner is great and does his fair share. He has always asked one thing of me, do one thing each day and he will do the bigger stuff. Some days I dont do anything but other days I'll do lots: ie fill dishwasher, empty dishwasher, put washing on, hang up/out clothes, put baby clothes away, tidy nursery, make dinners etc.). He even comments that "mummy has done lots today" and when I say to him "I feel bad i haven't done much today" he will say "yes you have, you're looking after our daughter". Although he is now saying he has only said this once (he says it most weeks).

I also go to 3 baby groups during the week, I meet with other mums and socialise (usually once/twice per week) and I visit my parents (1 hr away) - all with baby.

For dinners, we take turns who makes it. I sometimes make dinner in advance in slow cooker - curry, bolognaise, etc. Sometimes once per week. After he finishes work, I tend to work my dog for an hr, get home and then we decide who will cook dinner.

Badically what I'm getting at is, dinner is never planned out. Although partner works from home, he can be finished his work anywhere between 530-7.

Saturday after baby swim lesson, partner took himself away for 1.5 hours, didn't say anything and cleaned the whole kitchen while I looked after our baby. Yesterday when he finished work I heard him cooking dinner. He gave me dinner and whilst we were eating i noticied a spider on my little girl and i jumped (i have a fear). He got up annoyed and flicked it off telling me I could have done that. I said I would have I didn't ask him to do anything. He then starts saying I do nothing all day, I do no housework and when I do it's a rarity. He also kept saying "if I didn't make dinner who knows when we would have eaten" ive told him we need to agree a time for dinner and it isn't my.job which he agreed. I was confused as dinner is never planned out, he was acting like he always makes dinner which he doesn't. He then said all I do is swon around on maternity leave meeting friends for cake and coffee and hes the one working and "carrying us all".

It did piss me off. When I pointed out that I do make more dinners than him and then he said that dinners arent housework and so its invalid when I'm trying to make my point. I said to him entertaining a baby who doesn't like lying down, who is trying to grab everything and who is teething is hard work. I also said im tired after he finishes work as i then walk my dog fir an hr and he could do it sometmes. He said it was my choice to own a dog and he doesnt trust other dogs and so he doesnt want to walk her as he will find it stressful. He also said its my choice to own a dog (he has two cats i have a dog, these are pets from before we met). I may have called his cat an arsehole after that as he is on medication and I do my fair share, on my partners instruction of making sure he eats his medication and not letting the other cat eat it. This arsehole cat doesn't want to eat sometimes and so we follow him around for ages to eat and then we need to supervise both cats so the other doesn't eat it. Do I want to do that? No. I dont like cats but I dont bloody refuse.

Out of spite I've now contacted nurseries for a full time place as I dont want to accused of doing nothing if i were to reduce my hours as we had thought about reducing my hoursto keep nursery costs down but why should I to he moaned at. I have felt sad today as I feel I'm spiting my little girl by doing that when all I want to do is spend time with her. Im so angry. I called him a washed up 50 year old (there's an age gap!) And feel awful but he turned so nasty. Apparently I do nothing and the spider was the straw that broke the camels back. He's apologised but only for reacting.

Im glad I typed that all out. Feeling sad and a bit teary. Happy to be told if I'm being unreasonable as I can get emotional and very defensive when I'm criticised and this can cloud my judgement.

Who's in the wrong
Also, what did housework/pets look like for you on maternity leave?

I dont take back the cat arsehole comment, the cat is an asshole.

This is the most sensible response. You do need to do more in my opinion.

Personally I’d be handing him the baby as soon as he finishes work and saying ‘right your turn to do nothing, I’m going to cook and tidy up now!!….
and leave him with the baby no matter how much baby cries… if he complains remind him that minding a baby is doing nothing….
Stop all the stuff you do for arse hole cat! Shut it in a bathroom with its meds so other cat can’t steal the food…. I wouldn’t be doing cakes etc for him anymore… tell him you don’t have time to do the nice things for him because you’re busy cleaning etc!

I would spend days bonding with baby and going to mummy and baby groups and as I say literally hand baby to him when he walks in, walk dog, do any shopping that needs doing and come in, cook clean etc.
is there an option to do say 2 or 3 longer days and put baby in nursery? So you keep some independence?

This one is easy, if he wants to see what you do all day tell him to take a day or two days off work and he is you for the day, looking after baby and give him a list of house stuff he expects you to do during that time. See how he gets on.

👏🏼 good for you, OP. Baby groups are amazing. Do what works for you and your partner. If he's doing hobby stuff every night sounds like he has plenty of downtime. Every set of parents I know split things differently.

I've got baby basically all the time, occasionally he'll play on his mat for a bit while my DH works and I'm finishing cooking something. Mostly I have to entertain him in between if cooking his food or something for us. Totally depends on your baby.

Yes good to get them used to being out down - mat, toys, singing and talking to them while you're stood nearby. Mine sometimes likes to hold my foot on his mat while I'm chopping things on the kitchen island.

Loads of the comments on here made me feel totally incompetent! Some really nasty ones on here too. It's all about what the two of you are comfortable with - my DH is brilliant, very particular about cleaning and good food so he basically does all the cleaning and huge majority of the cooking right now as DS is on 3 homemade meals a day which I make and clean up after. I chip in when I can with cleaning or making dinner because DH prefers things being done a certain way and it's easier for him to clean at night than to take baby for some shifts. Baby only really settles and naps with me so it's just how we've split things.

Managed absolutely fine when DH had a stomach bug too, cooked, most of housework - floors didn't get done but 🤷🏻‍♀️ - but if I'd been that sick I couldn't have been off baby duty completely no way.

when I was on mat leave, I did pretty much everything in the house - DH was at work all day so it made sense. Both DC were very difficult and hard work (diagnosed with autism and learning difficulties later on). Needed to be help constantly. I just wore a sling and carried them around for most of the day and did house work that way.

you come across as very workshy. sorry.

When you were working full time, did you both hire a cleaner? A chef? So everything was done for when you finished work? Because it made sense?
I could sit around and try and think up the cure to cancer, it makes sense, right?
Sounds like your DH got quite the deal, help make the kids, goes about his normal life except everything is done for him now. No thanks. If you want to live like that then you do so

Imagine doing everything around the house whilst baby is crying and getting in a panick all so your husband can have an easy life when he gets home. That tells me your partner is lazy and wouldn't havr lifted a finger if you didn't do it. I dont envy or applaud you, I feel sorry for you.

You know what I'm envious of, my partner eating a hot meal every night when mine goes cold as feeding my child is priority. He just wants to eat dinner first and then swap. Poor soul wouldn't survive with a cold meal as in his words "i dont like cold food or cold coffee". These men should start a revolution with how unfair they're being treated.

Why did you start this thread if you’re going to attack anybody that tells you that they think you are being unreasonable? I think you sound quite lazy and your levels of defence suggest that deep down you know it but don’t want to change. That’s fine but why bother with making the thread?
You’re a parent now. It’s hard work. Your child deserves a clean functioning home.

We share cooking and housework if that helps! no need for a cleaner or a chef.

You asked about maternity leave which is the very opposite of being in an office all day. I don't know why you are so agitated. You clearly have a chip in your shoulder.

Oh going to baby group nunber 3 today. Then going into town for a gift for a family birthday. Do you thinj partber will notice I'm gone and phone the police and notify them that I've escaped the kitchen? If I dont reply. You know where I am #freeme

People who say you could do more, I accept. People who are nasty.. ie above poster calling me work shy.

by your own admission, you do very little. 🤷

I have no idea why you bothered to post in the first place.

Oh here we go, MN dont like what I've posted so I must be a troll, let me guess what's next? Account blocked, taken down as I dont fit your narrative?? 😂😂

Enough of this typing i have a floor to mop somewhere.

Household chores never go away. Are you a teenager?

I accept if people think I could do more. Okay. Fair point. I accept that. Ive taken on board some comments (ie meal plan, agree on dinner times). I dont agree with being called lazy or work shy.

Whilst I don’t think you’re a troll OP, you are coming across as a bit nuts. I genuinely don’t mean that nastily. It really doesn’t sound like you’re coping very much. You need to breathe. I think perhaps you need to step away from this thread as it’s clearly causing you too much aggravation and enjoy the day with your baby.

Yes. This.

OP, I’d strongly suggest you hide this thread and move on, as it’s clearly not helping you.

Im getting wound up being called lazy or work shy. Hearing people's experince of i did this and that, great, its amazing how everyone's journey is different and there have been some help comments and I've taken some on board and have implemented them. Its the nasty comments. Work shy. Being told I take the piss when I walk the dog etc. Being told how poor partner had no downtime when he has more than me, guaranteed every week and a few evenings a week prep. Last night he didn't come to bed as he was playing with his new 3d printer. Then had a nice lie in as he started work later. Me? Up 3 tims during night.

Yes maybe youre right. Im sorry. Im hating getting called lazy and work shy. Partner verbally attacked me and then i come on here asking for genuine worksplit comments and was attacked here. As I have said numerous times, I have enjoyed reading the constructive comments its the nasty comments.

I am coping until I feel attacked. Sorry everyone. But wheres my apologies for the nasty commenters who will have their accounts left alone and go about their day. I need to step away as not copying but nasty commenter aren't held accountable.

Moses basket needs to go in the bin if it’s got loose fabric.

People are being knobs. Having a baby is a right pain sometimes and if you’re up half the night no one is at their best.

I've reported this thread now, not because of you OP but because you've been called some terrible names under the pretence of some posters saying "I'm only being honest" it's probably the same people who spout the "be kind" mantra in real life, please don't rise to them it's what they want, ignore them from now on.
It sounds like you've been making headway with your other half and that's good!

Some awful and fairly baffling responses on this thread OP. I can't think of a single woman I know in real life who would call any new mum (let alone one who is struggling, has a higher needs baby and is recovering from a difficult birth) lazy / useless / ineffective etc. I genuinely can't picture who is behind a screen doing that! I know I'd be very upset to read any of those comments so I hope you're ok and not taking them to heart.

As more sensible posters have told you, within working hours, his work is his job (with any chores thrown in a bonus) and looking after the baby and recovering is yours (again, any chores being a bonus). Baby groups and coffees with friends might be more fun than a paid job but 1. you're allowed to enjoy your baby, 2. you need socialisation to stay sane and 3. your day will have lots of difficult parts too - it is like any job.

Outside work hours, one of you has baby and one of you does the housework (by the way, my husband and I always found that doing chores felt like a break compared to looking after a baby - yes they're cuddly and lovely but you're always constantly on alert). After that, you both split free time equally. Yes, you could take a pram or sling on your dog walk but it sounds like it is your only time without the baby and you deserve that. Things will get much easier as she gets older and into a better routine. Unfortunately, at this stage of your life you're both likely to feel you're not getting much of a break. It doesn't last forever.

Lastly, be kind to each other. I'm glad you've had a good talk. His mixed messages are unacceptable and bound to make you feel very insecure, but so are your comments about his age. Don't be tit for tat - assume the best in each other and communicate regularly. Sending lots of hugs!