Housework while on maternity leave

[Olderbutneverwiser]

Hello

I am struggling with the housework split whilst on maternity leave. Don't get me wrong my partner is great and does his fair share. He has always asked one thing of me, do one thing each day and he will do the bigger stuff. Some days I dont do anything but other days I'll do lots: ie fill dishwasher, empty dishwasher, put washing on, hang up/out clothes, put baby clothes away, tidy nursery, make dinners etc.). He even comments that "mummy has done lots today" and when I say to him "I feel bad i haven't done much today" he will say "yes you have, you're looking after our daughter". Although he is now saying he has only said this once (he says it most weeks).

I also go to 3 baby groups during the week, I meet with other mums and socialise (usually once/twice per week) and I visit my parents (1 hr away) - all with baby.

For dinners, we take turns who makes it. I sometimes make dinner in advance in slow cooker - curry, bolognaise, etc. Sometimes once per week. After he finishes work, I tend to work my dog for an hr, get home and then we decide who will cook dinner.

Badically what I'm getting at is, dinner is never planned out. Although partner works from home, he can be finished his work anywhere between 530-7.

Saturday after baby swim lesson, partner took himself away for 1.5 hours, didn't say anything and cleaned the whole kitchen while I looked after our baby. Yesterday when he finished work I heard him cooking dinner. He gave me dinner and whilst we were eating i noticied a spider on my little girl and i jumped (i have a fear). He got up annoyed and flicked it off telling me I could have done that. I said I would have I didn't ask him to do anything. He then starts saying I do nothing all day, I do no housework and when I do it's a rarity. He also kept saying "if I didn't make dinner who knows when we would have eaten" ive told him we need to agree a time for dinner and it isn't my.job which he agreed. I was confused as dinner is never planned out, he was acting like he always makes dinner which he doesn't. He then said all I do is swon around on maternity leave meeting friends for cake and coffee and hes the one working and "carrying us all".

It did piss me off. When I pointed out that I do make more dinners than him and then he said that dinners arent housework and so its invalid when I'm trying to make my point. I said to him entertaining a baby who doesn't like lying down, who is trying to grab everything and who is teething is hard work. I also said im tired after he finishes work as i then walk my dog fir an hr and he could do it sometmes. He said it was my choice to own a dog and he doesnt trust other dogs and so he doesnt want to walk her as he will find it stressful. He also said its my choice to own a dog (he has two cats i have a dog, these are pets from before we met). I may have called his cat an arsehole after that as he is on medication and I do my fair share, on my partners instruction of making sure he eats his medication and not letting the other cat eat it. This arsehole cat doesn't want to eat sometimes and so we follow him around for ages to eat and then we need to supervise both cats so the other doesn't eat it. Do I want to do that? No. I dont like cats but I dont bloody refuse.

Out of spite I've now contacted nurseries for a full time place as I dont want to accused of doing nothing if i were to reduce my hours as we had thought about reducing my hoursto keep nursery costs down but why should I to he moaned at. I have felt sad today as I feel I'm spiting my little girl by doing that when all I want to do is spend time with her. Im so angry. I called him a washed up 50 year old (there's an age gap!) And feel awful but he turned so nasty. Apparently I do nothing and the spider was the straw that broke the camels back. He's apologised but only for reacting.

Im glad I typed that all out. Feeling sad and a bit teary. Happy to be told if I'm being unreasonable as I can get emotional and very defensive when I'm criticised and this can cloud my judgement.

Who's in the wrong
Also, what did housework/pets look like for you on maternity leave?

I dont take back the cat arsehole comment, the cat is an asshole.

For the last time. I own both a sling and carrier. She cries when she is in them.

When I just had one baby to look after and it was blissful (😂😂) I would do the housework with my baby in a sling or a carrier. You can hoover and make all sorts of noise. In the evening my husband mostly cooks but would have cuddles with baby while I sorted washing, changed beds etc. I found it really good to have a plan of what chores I did on certain days.
sounds like resentment had crept in so just talk to each other to Iron things out.
are you suggesting you go back to work full time so you don’t have to clean the house? Because that’s nuts.

I always read posts like this and laugh. Oh to have one of these babies! Mine will scream - literally scream until she's sick and hiccuping and has a face rash - the moment she's put down and I walk away from her. She doesn't nap unless held either. I get absolutely nothing done when I'm on my own with her, she is my all-encompassing, full time job.

You get nothing done?
Surely by 9am you should have the house spotless and dinner roasting for hubby finishing work? 😂

My DD was a nightmare she woke every 2 hours through the night and then awake fully for the day at 5am, this went on until she was nearly 3, she didn't nap for long either, I remember those days in a sleep deprived haze, I was like the livng dead. I vowed never to have another but I did and DS was a bit easier, not much, but a bit and it made all the difference

Dishwasher should go on every single evening, and needs to be emptied every single morning.

its easy.

And then number of people that seem to have babies like this, yet still breed 2 and even 3rd ones Talk about gluttons for punishment

Had the same, but in twin form!

Several mumsnetters lost their mind on a thread when I said barely had time to have a piss during maternity leave, and indeed thereafter. With one notable user denouncing me for wasting time on mumsnet and therefore definitely exaggerating lack of loo time 😄🙄

I'm also in a similar boat r.e slings/carriers, I too try them constantly to give me a bit more freedom to move around the house and my 12 week old just cries, screams and head buts me, I think its because she's breastfed and comfort sucks a lot, so she gets frustrated being so close to my chest without being fed (I've tried to feed with it on, couldn't get it to work). Im hoping when she has better neck control and she can be faced foward ir worn on my side to have better luck.

Anyway, glad you and your partner have had a chat and feel better.

Twins! I can only imagine the stress of this 😐

But she's not home all day, she's out keeping herself sane and giving baby some experiences and meeting other people, which is important

you would spite your daughter over a petty argument over housework? YABVU

Sounds like you don’t do that much tbh- or at least very selective

All these comments are pointless as no one knows what your baby is like.

My first was a nightmare, I usually could get very little done in the house as she wouldn't nap apart from on me, and went bonkers if put down. So I took her out and did stuff with her, which was nicer for everyone.

My second was more easy going and I could get more done. But the expectation was that I'd be caring for and prioritising the babies, not staying at home polishing light bulbs or whatever. So I did some housework yes but still took her out, went to groups, saw family and friends etc as she got bored at home.

Your job is looking after the baby.
His job is whatever he does (and there's no way he's sitting up there having absolutely no downtime/break, which is probably more likely for you)
Then you take care of the rest of it together.

Making a meal plan at the start of the week and from that doing an online shop may help. Also a set time for dinner.

Also, you could have the fit of your sling checked, or try a different style - perhaps see if there's a "sling library" near you.

Also, if he won't lift a finger with your dog, no way would I be chasing round after his cats. That's his job.

You know what annoys me?
Before maternity leave i worked full time and had an hour commute. I worked from home twice per week. Chores were 50/50. However, baby comes along. I stop work and care for said baby. My partner is not busy every second during working hours, and I wasn't either when wfh. Did we crack on and do all the housework when we had downtime at work, no we bloody didnt, we might have done a little but we didn't plan meals or agree a dinner time. Now? I am home with a baby, at groups, visiting family, creating a community around me, and there's suddenly an an expectation that I'm not busy and should do more housework than either of us have ever done through the week and make dinners for partner finishing work when neither of us did this before if we had a quiet work day. I am confused. So why now, when we have a little one and I'm busier now than what I was when I ever worked from home (literally!) Am I expected to do all this housework and have dinners made every night? Have I woke up in the 1940s? Should I give up all baby groups, say no to socialising and making mum friends, not walk my dog and spend quality time with her, make sure my house is spotless every single day and make sure dinners are made so my poor partner has a nice hot cooked meal when he finishes? This didn't happen before, the only thing that's is he does more housework than me but I now care for a baby and do probably 80/90% of that all day (even at night), partner only spends time with her alone when I walk my dog. You'd think with some responses on here that I'm drinking coffee on tap, sitting on sofa watching daytime telly everyday and creating a huge mess that I leave at my ass.

I cant believe some people have suggested to reduce baby groups.. tell my family to come over and look after baby so I can do housework, ignore baby when she is literally screaming and getting in a panick (red face, really deep cries) so i can tidy the house so my poor partner doesn't have to tidy?

We have spoken and I will do more... when I can. But seriously, my poor partner? Who gets to do hobby stuff most nights, goes out alone to do hobby stuff, does no dog walks, is brought back cakes or nice sandwiches for lunches when I go out, who doesn't do night feeds, who doesn't have a car seat in his car so I do all driving (even at weekends), who can continue playing rugby whereas I have been told to not even lift a kettle bell and swim only (and pilates) when I am an avid runner and now thats been taken away, who eats his dinner hot most nights as I hold / feed baby and who gets a full 8 hours sleep uninterrupted. I do appreciate everything he does. I know some partner do feck all but I should feel lucky, or grateful that he is being a human being or before a baby came alone, made dinners and did housework whilst working ft. Somehow being on maternity leave promotes you to full time cleaner, shopper, housemaid... etc.

His poor cotton socks that he does more housework, as he bloody well should.

This comment isn't to those who answered with kindness its to those who were nasty. Who proudly shouted that they done it all when on maternity leave while their baby slept like a log and that im lazy and taking the piss. Fair enough if things need done there and then.. that cant be avoided. Fair enough if baby does nap or is content lying down or playing so you can crack on but... having baby scream so you can tidy house? Poor you i say. I think posters who say this had / has a shit partner and if they didn't do it, it wouldn't get done. Period. So, raise the bar. Maternity leave isn't a holiday.

I made dinner tonight, he is washing up.. actually I should check the poor sod hasnt collapsed in the kitchen from the shock of doing some work when the woman is sitting on the sofa, with a coffee, feet up, watching married at first sight.

Reading some comments really added to my low mood yesterday but the problem lies with the nasty people, and those who think everyone has the same experience.

As you were.

Ps, how good is married at first sight? I love trash tv.

Whatever about who’s right you’re both at a time you’re going to be exhausted because you have a young baby. We both nitpicked and definitely took offended at too much/ read into everything. It gets easier op x

Fucking hell, it must be hard to be this nasty. Nobody as mean as this can possibly be happy.

Yep there's some fucking dickheads on this thread, OP if I were you just ignore them they're obviously saying things to try and wind you up, don't give them the satisfaction...

To answer your question in your OP, maternity leave to me at 5 months post partum, I’d been back working for 3.5 months, 3 dogs, a fair amount of livestock, 4 children and, although it was hard work, managed to keep on top of the house. It’s normal to be exhausted at this stage, sadly.
It does sound like you could pull your weight a bit more if I’m being honest. You just have to want to make it work and to live in a functioning home. This will pass!

Exactly. As I said in a previous comment.. people who post nasty comments are doing it for a reaction (because they dont have anything else exciting going on) or they're just genuinely mean and cant be happy in life. I feel for them. I cant imagine being soo miserable and actually typing that.
My little girl is thriving and doing amazingly. As am I. Strange how you link not doing all the housework to not being ready to be a mother.... I hope you are well and find some happiness in your life you sad little person.

.

Unfortunately your parents weren't ready either to bring such a vile person into the world. What happened that made you this bitter? Did mummy give you too many cuddles or not enough?

Also, if anyone is interested, google this persons username followed by mumsnet. Google shows a range of posts where this person has done nothing by post dickhead comments. Like when she/he/they told someone at 33 weeks pregnant to stop moaning that she's doing all the housework and to stop nagging her husband who works hard.... are you a man?

Yes we have definitely become more defensive. We have spoken about ways to counter this. We both react differently to things and we need to be mindful of that and how messages are conveyed.