Housework while on maternity leave

[Olderbutneverwiser]

Hello

I am struggling with the housework split whilst on maternity leave. Don't get me wrong my partner is great and does his fair share. He has always asked one thing of me, do one thing each day and he will do the bigger stuff. Some days I dont do anything but other days I'll do lots: ie fill dishwasher, empty dishwasher, put washing on, hang up/out clothes, put baby clothes away, tidy nursery, make dinners etc.). He even comments that "mummy has done lots today" and when I say to him "I feel bad i haven't done much today" he will say "yes you have, you're looking after our daughter". Although he is now saying he has only said this once (he says it most weeks).

I also go to 3 baby groups during the week, I meet with other mums and socialise (usually once/twice per week) and I visit my parents (1 hr away) - all with baby.

For dinners, we take turns who makes it. I sometimes make dinner in advance in slow cooker - curry, bolognaise, etc. Sometimes once per week. After he finishes work, I tend to work my dog for an hr, get home and then we decide who will cook dinner.

Badically what I'm getting at is, dinner is never planned out. Although partner works from home, he can be finished his work anywhere between 530-7.

Saturday after baby swim lesson, partner took himself away for 1.5 hours, didn't say anything and cleaned the whole kitchen while I looked after our baby. Yesterday when he finished work I heard him cooking dinner. He gave me dinner and whilst we were eating i noticied a spider on my little girl and i jumped (i have a fear). He got up annoyed and flicked it off telling me I could have done that. I said I would have I didn't ask him to do anything. He then starts saying I do nothing all day, I do no housework and when I do it's a rarity. He also kept saying "if I didn't make dinner who knows when we would have eaten" ive told him we need to agree a time for dinner and it isn't my.job which he agreed. I was confused as dinner is never planned out, he was acting like he always makes dinner which he doesn't. He then said all I do is swon around on maternity leave meeting friends for cake and coffee and hes the one working and "carrying us all".

It did piss me off. When I pointed out that I do make more dinners than him and then he said that dinners arent housework and so its invalid when I'm trying to make my point. I said to him entertaining a baby who doesn't like lying down, who is trying to grab everything and who is teething is hard work. I also said im tired after he finishes work as i then walk my dog fir an hr and he could do it sometmes. He said it was my choice to own a dog and he doesnt trust other dogs and so he doesnt want to walk her as he will find it stressful. He also said its my choice to own a dog (he has two cats i have a dog, these are pets from before we met). I may have called his cat an arsehole after that as he is on medication and I do my fair share, on my partners instruction of making sure he eats his medication and not letting the other cat eat it. This arsehole cat doesn't want to eat sometimes and so we follow him around for ages to eat and then we need to supervise both cats so the other doesn't eat it. Do I want to do that? No. I dont like cats but I dont bloody refuse.

Out of spite I've now contacted nurseries for a full time place as I dont want to accused of doing nothing if i were to reduce my hours as we had thought about reducing my hoursto keep nursery costs down but why should I to he moaned at. I have felt sad today as I feel I'm spiting my little girl by doing that when all I want to do is spend time with her. Im so angry. I called him a washed up 50 year old (there's an age gap!) And feel awful but he turned so nasty. Apparently I do nothing and the spider was the straw that broke the camels back. He's apologised but only for reacting.

Im glad I typed that all out. Feeling sad and a bit teary. Happy to be told if I'm being unreasonable as I can get emotional and very defensive when I'm criticised and this can cloud my judgement.

Who's in the wrong
Also, what did housework/pets look like for you on maternity leave?

I dont take back the cat arsehole comment, the cat is an asshole.

This is the best reply I've read. And far fairer than I was. Be a good team.

Thank you x

No one commenting on here has any idea what it's like to be in your relationship other than the short snippet you've put on here.
Having a baby is amazing sometimes, crap other times and I'm yet to come across a couple who doesn't have the "who does more argument" when kids just come along. And sometimes its really blooming frustrating how little you get done when you've got an unsettled baby around, and it can also be really blooming frustrating when your partner doesn't get enough done with an unsettled baby around.
Your partner on the whole sounds really supportive, I'd just take yourself away from the argument if it comes up, have a bit of a grump then get passed it. Neither of you will ever win the "who does more" argument.
And finally... ENJOY those work free, maternity leave coffees and cakes and baby clubs. In a years time you will have forgotten you ever had these arguments and be really glad you got that time with your child. ❤
(Trust me... ive had three maternity leaves!)

He will soon change his mind when he has 50/50 childcare costs present him the bill tell him to sort his own cat from now on. Being a stay at home mum physically and emotionally exhausting, I found working easier. I now stay home with our youngest 5 children, 3 in school two at home (twins) we have two sets of (twins) my husband valued me more when he had the childcare bill to pay. Now he comes home after 13hr shifts and helps with the house work if it's needed) not always I need help but at times I do I am also now disabled, and in a wheelchair this year that happened so yes my husband had to buckle up and help at times of need I contributed 30% he picked up 70% some days I do 60% him 40% of helping it's how marriage works.

What's the point of asking for advice on Mumsnet really, yet another post I read where some people are AGAIN nasty and mean. For goodness sake the OP gave birth 5 months ago, give her a break. Stop making people suffer more mentally than they already are !! It's mean and shitty. Let just all take each other down and then complain women are bitchy and don't support other women.. how ironic!

I think maybe you could get a slow cooker and try some of those 15 mins meals online , quick and easy and aim to cook most days .
I would also empty the dishwasher and a quick hoover , and put a wash on. Those are priorities, if he doesn't like that let him do the rest , can you walk the dog in the morning whilst you walk with the pram ? Or can you drive to a park where you can walk the dog / sit at a cafe ?
What was the agreement with your husband regarding your work / nursery before trying for a baby and how old are you both ?

OP, I really struggled to get much done and still do with a toddler. I think some people forget the relentlessness of caring for a young baby, or perhaps were fortunate enough to have babies they could do more with - no one has the exact same experience I know that much!

I didn't do much housework on mat leave, I saw it as mat leave not maid leave. I had days when I really didn't achieve anything but hey, I had a baby to keep happy.

But then again, how much is there to do, just 2 adults and a baby? Is dinner, loading a dishwasher and wiping a few surfaces housework? Really? Do you live in a gigantic house? Why don't you batch cook?

The dog and cats do add a significant load and that was your choice. I can't imagine having AN HOUR to myself every single day to go for a walk when I had a 5 month old. So yeah, getting such a high needs dog knowing you will want a baby soon is totally your fault.

I do advise you sort it out pronto because once weaning starts, you'll have a lot more cooking and cleaning to do and as the baby grows, it's harder to stuff, not easier.

Maybe you could walk the dog with baby in pram or carrier earlier in the day and try and form a new routine because it sounds like everyone getting stressy around dinner time. You are doing enough its hard work with a new baby and the animals that were previously no bother are now a tipping point for your frustration.. Your partner being home might sound good but actually he's just getting in your way so i think you need to work out a schedule for both of you with the chores and pets around taking care of your little one.

I don't know whos wrong but if you are both feeling its unfair why dont you sit down with a brief list of chores and split them. You can take turns making dinner. I know its tough when you have a young child, but with a bit of understanding and planning you can defo scramble through!

Youre completely right, its "dinner times" where we are stressy. We've agreed dinner is made as soon as dp finishes work so sonething quick, pizza and salad, fake kebabs (veggie meat), etc. On a Sunday he saud he'll spend time with baby whilst I batch cook for the other days. After dinner and when baby sleeps (930ish), I'll walk my dog for an hour. Cone home, wind down for bed.
He kept telling me to take my little one out on Saturday for a birthday dinner (my mum and sisters) but that means dictating an early dinner time, so we can get home before her bedtime and that means asking birthday dinner to be at 430! I know my mum and sister want to see little girl but we've agreed ill go on my own and have a few hours off. Like he does with hobby stuff. I know it seems like I have lots of downtime walking dog once per day for an hr and I love it and have never wished to not have her, I love her. But when its a downpour and absoultely freezing, it sometimes doesn't feel like downtime when compared to partner upstairs in his office with music on, hot coffee and in his element painting models.

I mean I got my dog 6 years ago while with someone else, I didn't have a crystal ball to look into the future. Also she isn't high needs. How is an hour walk high need? Its the also the only quality time I spend with her, just us and its my downtime so how is that my fault? Where is the fault exactly?
Also he got hos cats 5 years ago with someone else.

So what if you're a single parent or partner works away? Do you sit in fifth as it's not "maid " leave?

And what if you have a second child? Aether ignore bored while you spend tge whole day carrying a baby about and lrtt to make mess everywhere?

"Fault" is maybe the wrong word. Maybe "your own doing"? A WHOLE HOUR to yourself for a walk EVERY EVENING is actually a lot of time for yourself, when you have a 5 month old. You've chosen to have a dog so you have to spend it on him instead of yourself. You need to come to terms with that choice.

I wasn't a single parent though and don't have a second child, why should I act like it?

Although like I said, I did actually achieve a lot on some days, nothing on others. But that was baby/energy allowing, I never viewed housework as my responsibility just because I was on mat leave. I think that's very wrong. I had a baby to care for, who didn't sleep through the night and still only contact napped, a traumatic pregnancy that I hadn't recovered from (and still haven't, a year on). That's where DH comes in. To take care of us. To do his bit. To support, to make dinner, to give a hug when I've had a rough day etc etc etc. And definitely not to throw housework in my face.

Although I think OP's DH isn't that bad. The division of labour once you have a baby is a shock and they need to work through it.

But would you still think its ok to do nothing if you did have another kid or no partner ? Surely if its not " maid" leave it would apply on each maternity leave? Or is it just firstbtime parents who are entitled to do sweet sod all in comparison to others?

I don't know how you would manage if you had a toddler or other child/children to look after. A 5 month old should not be screaming all day long, you need to have a word with a health professional to find out what wrong with your DC.

Theres nothing wrong with her! She is teething and doesn't like sitting down or lying. She wants to stand, constantly and she cant stand obviously unless I assist and then hold her.

Sweet sod all 🤣🤣 do you have children??

Im happy walking my dog ffs its the fact he has said he won't do it once. He's walked her once since together and that's cause I was in hospital. Yet he expects, and I do like an idiot, do stuff for his cats.
Its crazy my one hour walking my dog is such an issue to people on here but no one comments on his downtime at all. So let me guess, poor partner is entitled to downtime because he is the worker and women dont need it? Do you all think men are gods or something??

You sound very angry. Why?
Your DH pulls his weight?
You get time to socialise during the week.
You get an hour a day to walk your dog.
I genuinely don’t see what your issue is?

I do get where you're coming from, OP, in that the whole "having a baby" thing is incredibly unfair. There's no amount of dishes and dinners that my DH can do to make up for the trauma my body has been through, for breastfeeding, for being the default parent, doing the majority of night wakes, and I end up doing a lot more than him and no one appreciates it. HE gets appreciation because no one expects anything of men.

I was and and get ocasionally angry too. Having a baby is just unfair. You will be doing a lot more than him, your body won't recover for a long time, your career is the one that takes a hit, you're re the one looking at going part time etc.

But your DH does do a lot. You get an hour to yourself DAILY. You get to socialise. It's actually more than what a lot of women get and you need to work on communication and appreciation.

And the good news is that as you get into toddlerhood, it gets better. My DS is 1 and my DH doesn't get to just hand the baby over to me, or leave all the feeding to me, I can leave for the day (even though I'm still breastfeeding) etc. It gets better. Not fair, still. But I don't know if it ever does go 50/50 once children are in the mix.

Don't do stuff for him that he won't do for you though. If he won't walk the dog, then you do fuck all for the cats. If he won't do your laundry, you don't do his either. Take some control of the situation.

Went to baby group today then went into town afterwards. I can confirm that more "swanning" about was done. M&s cafe does a lovely red velvet cupcake. 100% recommend. Xx

Hi OP, seems like it's an unpopular opinion but I think your partner is being unreasonable and a bit mean with his changing narrative. He works all day and is paid for it. You also work all day providing childcare for your joint child (and I assume you are paid via some form of maternity pay.) Naturally if you have time during your day looking after baby it is reasonable that you do some housework but if your baby is very challenging/ unwell etc then most people would understand if you were not able to do much else during the day!
Outside of normal working hours you are EQUALLY responsible for a) childcare and b) housework. It is therefore totally reasonable that he does some stuff around the house outside of his working hours, the same as he would have done pre baby! If your partner would prefer that you cook dinners, then he should accept that he needs to care for the baby during that time. That is something you need to discuss.
Re free time- I think the set up sounds really unfair. Why is he able to spend time alone doing his hobbies but you are not? This needs to be fair and equitable. He wants a break from his job and he deserves that, but so do you!!
I had very different experiences on MAT leave. My first baby was extremely challenging: colicky, reflux, terrible sleeper. This meant I barley survived the day doing the child care let alone doing housework. We got a cleaner and picked up other bits 50/50 where we could. My second was much easier: had long cot naps and loved the sling so I was able to do loads around the house (but didn't stint myself breaks with a coffee etc.) With both my children DH and I agreed on a fair arrangement re us both continuing hobbies/ self care/ exercise etc. We tried to make this as equal as possible. My DH also helped with night wakings on weekend nights and on his work days he would take baby for an hour before work so I could have an extra hour of sleep before my day.
It's a really hard time and you are both tired and stressed and feel like you are the one doing more, but you need to try and remember that you are a team. I would be tempted to plan a day away from DH and the baby so he can experience what a normal day on Mat leave is like for you?

I think its because I socialise with other mums and with my friends with baby which isn't a problem but partner socialises on own, takes his time getting ready on his own, takes himself into his office and does hobby on his own yet my only downtime is walking my dog yet people here have told me that's a problem and to do it during the day.. taking away my downtime so I can do more housework. One person suggested my family coming over, looking after baby so I could crack on with housework!