Housework while on maternity leave

[Olderbutneverwiser]

Hello

I am struggling with the housework split whilst on maternity leave. Don't get me wrong my partner is great and does his fair share. He has always asked one thing of me, do one thing each day and he will do the bigger stuff. Some days I dont do anything but other days I'll do lots: ie fill dishwasher, empty dishwasher, put washing on, hang up/out clothes, put baby clothes away, tidy nursery, make dinners etc.). He even comments that "mummy has done lots today" and when I say to him "I feel bad i haven't done much today" he will say "yes you have, you're looking after our daughter". Although he is now saying he has only said this once (he says it most weeks).

I also go to 3 baby groups during the week, I meet with other mums and socialise (usually once/twice per week) and I visit my parents (1 hr away) - all with baby.

For dinners, we take turns who makes it. I sometimes make dinner in advance in slow cooker - curry, bolognaise, etc. Sometimes once per week. After he finishes work, I tend to work my dog for an hr, get home and then we decide who will cook dinner.

Badically what I'm getting at is, dinner is never planned out. Although partner works from home, he can be finished his work anywhere between 530-7.

Saturday after baby swim lesson, partner took himself away for 1.5 hours, didn't say anything and cleaned the whole kitchen while I looked after our baby. Yesterday when he finished work I heard him cooking dinner. He gave me dinner and whilst we were eating i noticied a spider on my little girl and i jumped (i have a fear). He got up annoyed and flicked it off telling me I could have done that. I said I would have I didn't ask him to do anything. He then starts saying I do nothing all day, I do no housework and when I do it's a rarity. He also kept saying "if I didn't make dinner who knows when we would have eaten" ive told him we need to agree a time for dinner and it isn't my.job which he agreed. I was confused as dinner is never planned out, he was acting like he always makes dinner which he doesn't. He then said all I do is swon around on maternity leave meeting friends for cake and coffee and hes the one working and "carrying us all".

It did piss me off. When I pointed out that I do make more dinners than him and then he said that dinners arent housework and so its invalid when I'm trying to make my point. I said to him entertaining a baby who doesn't like lying down, who is trying to grab everything and who is teething is hard work. I also said im tired after he finishes work as i then walk my dog fir an hr and he could do it sometmes. He said it was my choice to own a dog and he doesnt trust other dogs and so he doesnt want to walk her as he will find it stressful. He also said its my choice to own a dog (he has two cats i have a dog, these are pets from before we met). I may have called his cat an arsehole after that as he is on medication and I do my fair share, on my partners instruction of making sure he eats his medication and not letting the other cat eat it. This arsehole cat doesn't want to eat sometimes and so we follow him around for ages to eat and then we need to supervise both cats so the other doesn't eat it. Do I want to do that? No. I dont like cats but I dont bloody refuse.

Out of spite I've now contacted nurseries for a full time place as I dont want to accused of doing nothing if i were to reduce my hours as we had thought about reducing my hoursto keep nursery costs down but why should I to he moaned at. I have felt sad today as I feel I'm spiting my little girl by doing that when all I want to do is spend time with her. Im so angry. I called him a washed up 50 year old (there's an age gap!) And feel awful but he turned so nasty. Apparently I do nothing and the spider was the straw that broke the camels back. He's apologised but only for reacting.

Im glad I typed that all out. Feeling sad and a bit teary. Happy to be told if I'm being unreasonable as I can get emotional and very defensive when I'm criticised and this can cloud my judgement.

Who's in the wrong
Also, what did housework/pets look like for you on maternity leave?

I dont take back the cat arsehole comment, the cat is an asshole.

Just to add: regarding baby groups and meeting mum friends. These are essential for you to stay sane! They are nice, yes, but taking a challenging baby out and about can be quite an undertaking and isn't the same and socialising by yourself! And since when did enjoying aspects of your job become unacceptable!

Completely. Most of my friends don't have kids so making mum friends was important to me, especially as new to area. Partner has done very well with all the cakes, lunches and treats I bring back from my outings 🤣

I think you are coping very well in the face of exhaustion and criticism. Looking after baby and you is full time. Its wonderful that you get an hour per day to walk the dog. Although you are still looking after another in that time. Dont give it up.

I have a stressful, demanding, professional job and can vouch that working is easier then raising a baby. There is no comparison. He has the better end of the stick here.

As a resolution, draw up a rota. Meal plan. Try to rota time together.

Also, can you leave baby with him for two days for him to get a flavour of what its like. Then he will realise how tricky it is to do house stuff and cooking on top. He ought to appreciate you, not criticised you. Enough of the digs!

I see no issue with how your days pan out. You, and baby, need to see people and attend these groups. How can he wfh with the noise of a baby - he needs you to go out too.

It can be hard to tell but it reads as though your OH is making a lot of the decisions.... or at least is trying to. You ought to be heard and have influence too. You are of equal value.

If I were you id be passing baby to him at 5pm so I could crack on with house stuff and a meal. Quick meal together then you out for the walk and he does bath and bedtime routine. He can have time for chores/exercise once baby in bed or before he starts work.

I hope you both manage to work it out.

Yes. That bothers me most. Working is easier. I had alot of downtime when I wfh. As did he (he still has some). Not once did we demand that each other do housework during that time. But now there's a baby and I'm expected to. It's all a bit bonkers. Comments like hes been working all and the doing housework abd making dinners, poor bloke. But we did that before, equally.. now there's a baby and its ashame he should do such tasks when he finishes work. Bizzare.

It sounds like you are out a lot. I would look at cutting down on that. Visiting your parents every week is ridiculous when they live an hour away. Presumably that takes at least half a day, if not a whole day. I would visit once a month.

I think you need to sit down and come up with an agreement for who does what and when. I think the “do one thing a day” isn’t going to get you very far. Something like unloading the dishwasher takes 10 minutes, you can’t expect to only spend 10 minutes a day on chores. But there’s no reason to expect him to not take a share if he WFH so doesn’t have time spent on a commute.

But YABU because calling him a washed up 50 year old and calling the cat an asshole? Not cool. As much as it’s common to have disagreements over housework especially when one is on mat leave, it’s not common to resort to name calling like that.

I was always really shit at keeping a tidy house with babies and young kids. It’s easier when kids are older.

Me and DH would argue about it sometimes but I told him if he wanted someone domesticated he’s married the wrong woman!

Saying that, running a house with kids is a proper job share and you need to list absolutely everything involved and share it out properly. List all the mental load stuff including booking appointments, taking your baby to classes etc.

3 of them. And having returned to work full time before any of them reached 5 months old. Also never had a partner living with e either doing any of the house stuff.

Have you tried getting a jumperoo? Often given away on freebies pages on Facebook

Right so you didn't have a partner who would share the load. So you had to do everything or nothing would get done. I think your partner was the lazy sod and its a set up I wouldnt agree to. I'll have the kids and do everything, you do nothing... but hey, its easier to come on here and slag people than actually addressing your own issues with your lazy sod.

Shut the cat who needs medicine in a room with his food till they’ve eaten it so the other one can’t get it.

I had a Velcro baby with silent reflux who wanted to be held all the time, it is hard. I was back at work as a nanny with her in tow by 5 months. I used a sling, or put her in a bouncy/high chair near me while I was doing stuff. Talked and sang to her lots, she loved playing with wooden spoons and things more than baby toys.

My partner was a soldier serving in the middle east. So bit presumptuous of you saying he was a lazy sod. He had many faults but that wasn't one of them.

I suppose your partner has a soft little office job in comparison if we are going to make assumptions lol

Compared to a solider then yeah, probably. Was that meant to hurt me?

Without a doubt, having a baby affects a woman far more than a man and I wonder if some of the anger you’re feeling is part of this unfairness.
However, I just don’t buy into it being that hard to look after one baby. I found mat leave much easier than doing my job (I guess it depends on the job!) and was able to complete lots of housework. Your DH is doing a lot (and so he should) but I think you could do more too. Try walking the dog with the baby rather than on your own and consider getting a sling. Sometimes it’s ok to let the baby grizzle for a few minutes too. And sort out the dinner - your current system is just bonkers!

Not hurt you but challenge your assumptions. Its you who called my ( ex) partner a lazy sod for fighting in the gulf war.

But of course he's lazy as not cone downstairs from the upstairs office to feed the cats or load the dushwasher. Pure need to check your privilege. If I didn't actually dislike my ex I would say you owed an apology there

Yes it is the unfairness. He has always worked from home i used to half the week. Both wouldn't be rushed off our feet. Both would have down time, not once did we do housework. But now with a baby, which is harder than me actual job which I would think would be the case (HR Manager, people be crazy!), I'm told to do housework. I get it. I think i could do more. I never put dishwasher on and think, "great that's my one task done". Ive never worked to "one job per day". Someday I dont do one task but others ill do 10+ etc. Its the days I dont do very much that he says I always do nothing. He does this when he is annoyed / angry. He exaggerates and forgets everythung I do and concentrates on one event.
But yes, I agree dinner set up is a bit bonkers so all going well, I have planned a slow cooker reciepe for after walk with dog and baby (wish me luck) and we've agreed to do batch cooking at weekends. Well, I say we. Its me.

are you sure you are old enough to be playing mummies and daddies

Omg if you think having a partner who does housework is a privilege then you really need to raise your bar. Too many women on here accept the bare minimum and think its the dream. Doing housework is adulting not a dream come true 🤣🤣

Not helpful. Nasty.
But then its the October week is scotland. What fun activities do you have planned today, little one?

The privilege of not only having a partner there to do housework but the assumptions that if you don't then it's because he's lazy. Obviously had no contact with either single parents, forces partners or other partners that worked away to realise the privilege of having him home every night

When you edit a post its to correct it, usually? Yours isn't any better. What are you trying to say? Maybe I can help?

OK explain how my partner was a lazy sod for not doing MY housework? You are the one slagging him off and saying that

A lot of us tried to offer advice on how to tackle this and not let the resentment build. Increasingly though, it looks like you are here for a fight, so maybe try a little less time on MN, you might get more done. 🤷‍♀️

Seems you can't read posts either. You still haven't explained how my partner was a lazy sod for not doing housework.

Its YOU that came up with that statement