Expensive meal to be invited to do we back out

[workingitout1234]

Invited to a family meal on Saturday for FIL bday, not a main milestone (if it was different story)
they have chosen a fancy venue and it’s set menu starting at £36 per person, plus we have to pay £15 for our child
I had a baby 4 weeks ago and are on statutory maternity pay and am scrimping day to day, we have 2 children. I have to consider if I go to a soft play, I can’t ever buy coffee, I have to return unwanted gifts to get things we need.

what do we do? I don’t want to be rude but I feel like this is too expensive and I can’t lie it’s made me feel really sad about money.

have spoken to my husband and he is also shocked, I’m going to let him handle it and make the decision but I feel like nearly £90 is too much money for a meal out
have eaten there before and the food was awful it’s all about the showing off the venue

Dine in meal from M&S, I think! Eating out will be a rare experience now!

You’re right, it’s clumsily put and does sound rude.

What I was trying to say is that, because of the costs involved per head, I got the impression there wasn’t a huge financial disparity between OP and in-laws and they would understand that not attending because of money constraints is entirely reasonable. Ie. just to be honest. But I could be wrong!

We’ve suddenly had a large drop in income. I recently went to brunch with some friends and just had coffee. I was upfront if not a bit ashamed and said I couldn’t afford it. They understood. Just be honest is my advice. I was sad too btw.

Just tell the truth, say you are on maternity leave and you need that money for the baby at the moment. We get this every December for my FIL bday too. We are going to decline this year. It worked out nearly £200 for 4 of us last year (& paying towards FIL dinner), we don’t hardly drink and everyone else does, my SIL is alone so only pays for herself and we end up with an unaffordable bill on top of Xmas, a massive tax return in January coming up and we see everyone for Xmas anyway. I know my husband feels bad that we will be saying no but I don’t really care, I care more that we have money for stuff we need. If they care they will understand.

Send DH as he is FiL’s son. If they think a grandchild should go then DH can take them. But don’t except that ridiculous cost - take a few decent snacks, if you think he can get away with it; if it’s a big gathering then the venue may be amenable.
But in your shoes I would stay at home and enjoy some time at home with my newborn.

Don't get into debt for a meal out with IL, they should realise that you are on maternity leave and if they want you to go pay for you.

Your partner should go if it’s his dad. Explain that he’s in a position where he can only pay for what he eats. You stay at home with the kids. Dragging them to a restaurant would not be fun and you’ll not taste anything of the £36 main you eat!

Just be honest. " Sorry, we can't make it this time, our budget won't stretch to meals out at the moment." Get FIL a nice card and present, maybe take it over the day before, so they know you want to be on good terms. If they're snotty about it, that's on them. Maybe they just don't realise how tight money is for you at present.

Years ago when I was on maternity leave we were invited to a family christening. Times were tough as the interest rate was really high and it was the era of poll tax. I was shocked to find on reading the invite that we were expected to pay for the meal afterwards! I'd have been happy with a cuppa and piece of cake at home... We went to the church but not the meal and were judged for it. In retrospect I'd have just come out and said sorry we can't afford it.

Just be honest, 'thanks for the invite but we can't afford it.'

Five Days ago I celebrated my 60th birthday & my own husband didn’t give me a gift, he said he had no money, but he has done the same thing 4 years in a row. We have been together for 44 years, so he knows when my birthday is, it’s not a surprise like this dinner is, so just tell them you can’t afford it & give them a lovely card & wish them a truly wonderful night. The day of my birthday, my husband went to his mothers to take her to the dinner that I had planned just for my MIL & I, but I was too depressed to go, so I told him to take her at our expense. She refused to go because I wasn’t going. She gave him my birthday card & he took the $200 in it & he went gambling with my birthday money. So I was even more upset & depressed & am now planning to divorce him. Four years in a row of doing nothing for me & then stealing my birthday gift money for him to go out & gamble while I am home depressed & crying.

Yep my food is always eaten cold or one handed with baby attached to me as I breastfeed

we have backed out of the lunch but have explained we are struggling juggling newborn and toddler life (in part this is another thing thats put us off) and not made it about money (my husbands idea) so they wouldn’t insist to pay and then it end up being a bit awkward

we may go out for a couples date night soon, we will taste savour and enjoy our meal and time together properly as will ensure we have babysitters

super grateful for my lovely family and children but also super exhausted 🤣🤣

If this was my dad I’d have been honest and said we are not happy to pay that sorry and made a fuss of him another way. He’d have never expected that level of expenditure from us in our situation though and would have invited us and paid and made it clear it was him paying

My dad will invite us to a beefeater, Chinese, hungry horse etc cheaper casual places where our toddler can play and it’s all a bit more laid back (no one needs to iron a shirt for the occasion etc)

the more I think about it the more I’m accepting I’m a bit downmarket and I’m not sure I care much if I am !! I parent with high standards but I am happy for a cheap and cheerful meal out in my comfy easy to breastfeed in clothes that are no doubt covered in the days sick and snot 🤣🤣

I would just be honest and say you can’t afford it. I was so skint when my first DC was born I learnt very quickly to say ‘No’. It isn’t even about getting the money together, it’s about not wanting to spend it on a meal out when you have other priorities. They can’t be in a huff about you saying you can’t afford it - in my family if parents invite and choose the venue for a Birthday then it’s usually their treat. However, when I was really short of money, if I couldn’t afford to pay for it myself I didn’t go. I sympathise with your financial situation, it won’t be forever.

Peaches, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. He sounds horrible & entirely not worthy of such a loving & understanding wife as you.
If you are unhappy with this man (& who wouldn’t be?!) then gain your freedom and flourish 💐

Just politely decline but do mention you’re on a tight budget on maternity - this isn’t a hint for them to pay but you’re just being honest.

We’ve got a family meal soon too - a teppanaki place - which is definitely more about the setting and performance. It’s ridiculously expensive and we aren’t on maternity or on a particularly tight budget, I just simply find their prices ridiculous, and I’m praying the kids don’t ask for the steak or seafood options!!

Why can’t your husband go and you stay at home? You seem to be avoiding this question.

You are right to leave the decision to your husband , BUT:

Putting myself in the parents' position, I would 100% want DD to tell me if I ever put her in an awkward position like this without realising it.

I would immediately act to change that, either offering to pay for her and her nuclear family myself, or if that were not possible financially )I am not rich) switching the venue to something much cheaper (even catering at home) so that I could afford to feed her and her family on my special occasion.

Is it possible your PIL may not have realised your financial situation? From what you say, to outward appearances you probably look quite comfortably off.

My brother is much wealthier than me and doesn't always get it, on things like this. But when I explain he is mortified that he has made me feel awkward, and changes plans/offers an alternative/offers to pay.

Totally agree with what you’ve done @workingitout1234 .
Even if I did have spare cash I would resent spending £36 on a meal! I’ve been for a Chinese buffet ‘eat as much as you like’ for less ££ and honestly that was a rare treat.
I guess it depends on your relationship with food though, I find it insane that people on here are saying £36 each is cheap/reasonable… I don’t enjoy food enough to justify that…

Honestly if someone invited me somewhere that was £36 a head I’d probably laugh!
Like you I’m quite happy with the £6 meal at the local pub chain and tap water to keep the price down.

Sounds best @workingitout1234 I'd have been worried that even if it was.just your dh who went, his sibling will still sat at the end of the meal, 'right so Mr Working and I will just split the bill in half'! Leaving you paying for his partner and dc!

Maybe husband/partner could go if you can stretch to that

This

We pay for adult children and partners dinners though they get a round of drinks in.

It’s both a PITA and a privilege because we can afford it. The days have passed but I used to foot the bill for dinner out with all the women in my family. This was sometimes up to 8 of us.

@tragichero it was always obvious though unspoken that my sisters and family were so much worse off than me. I bought them white goods, paid for weekends away and lunches and dinners. I stopped doing it when they all collectively took the piss out of me when I took a phone call when I was back home one time and they realised I had a cleaner. Because I lived so far away they didn’t know I had one I also didn’t share all the times I had amazing holidays because I knew they could never afford the sort of life I had.

When it comes to money it’s all relative isn’t it, £36 is a lot to some but it isn’t a lot looking at how much restaurants can be. It’s looking at that £36 as a % of your income and then as a % of your disposable income thereafter.

Tbh it sounds like any meal out would be unaffordable atm, so I wouldn’t make a big issue of the venue your FIL has chosen.

£36 isn’t cheap as such, but you wouldn’t be much less at a Pizza Express or Prezzo type place now.

I think you have done the right thing. There's no negative marks on you for not being able to afford it.

I have adult children I wouldn't invite them out and expect them to pay. I usually cook for everyone for my birthday as it's near Xmas . If I ask the family out I pay and they are on more money than me. If they ask us out then we negotiate.
Don't feel rubbish OP.