DD’s dad’s partner at my child’s autism assessment

[Desperatelyed]

DD is 6 and going through the autism assessment.

me and her dad were never together but we have co parented well since she was born. When DD was 2, he married his now wife. I have no problem with her, but she looks down her nose at me.

DD is with her dad half the week, and half with me. Her dad usually works nights so his wife will get involved with getting my DD to bed etc, and she has picked her up from school. I think that’s an overstep in itself but nothing I can do.

his wife is now pregnant.

DD has parent interview coming up for her assessment. He requested 2 separate appointments, which they’ve allowed.

He told me that his wife will also be going to the appointment with him. I’m angry about this. It isn’t her child?

Dd dad argued with me and said his wife spends a lot of time caregiving to our DD so she should be there. Why would she even want to go ? Can I stop her?

Doing it on purpose with a view to what? To involving herself in DD's support? Or to undermining you?

I can understand and sympathise with your feeling that she is muscling in on your territory, but given the set-up - where, by the sound of it, she is DD's primary carer when your DD is staying at her Dad's house - I don't see how she can avoid doing so. She is involved, and she probably has more to contribute to the conversation than Dad has.

To support your daughter you're going to have to work out some kind of united approach everyone is comfortable with. No one can say it will be easy or fun, but it is necessary.

Ok well I don't really see the issue then. If anything it's a good thing as it will provide more evidence. I think your stance around her not attending anything re your dd and your partner not attending anything either is a little odd when they're both very involved in your child's day to day life.

So it's weird that your DDs step mum of 6 years and very involved with your DDs care to go, but not weird that your Mum who has been involved for the same amount of time goes? Step parents just can't win. She sounds like an involved step parents and you sound bitter and jealous. YABVVU.

Of course she is doing it on purpose - to help her step-child. Stop being bitter.

Really couldn’t get stressed about this - the step mum should be there based on what you’ve told us.

OP you need to get out of your own way. You will always be her mum, but this about what is best for your DD. The fact she is going to this appointment has no impact on you at all, other than the distress you are causing yourself. it has a positive impact on your child.

If may be time to take a step back and ask yourself why an involved supportive step mum is causing you such anguish.

OP, your DD’s dad and his wife probably think it’s odd your fiancé isn’t involved and you’d rather take your mother to the appointment. After 3 years of being engaged why isn’t he more invested in your daughter? Do you live with your mum rather than your fiancé?

His wife is your child's stepmum. She helps child's dad care for her when she's at theirs. She treats his child as her own, with kindness, care and attention.

She's now pregnant - yet she's still giving some time to support her husband and child through what most be a difficult and upsetting process.

She'll need to learn as much as she can about autism to understand and help care for your daughter.

And as she's having a baby with a man who already has one potentially autistic child, this is wise.

She sounds great. And of course she's doing it on purpose - on purpose to support her husband and your child. She seems to know DC better than her own father does.

You on the other hand - don't. Whatever you may say, you sound jealous and you're the one looking down your nose at a woman who is taking on huge responsibilities to please the man she loves.

Incidentally I have little time for men who take a child 50/50 - and then bugger off doing anything but the parenting and leaving those duties to wife, girlfriend, mother ... 🤷‍♀️

The point of the parent meetings at autism assessments is to ask a bunch of questions around behaviours, when certain things started, milestones etc. If she’s not there important information - things she’s observed when the dad was at work - could be missed.

it is in your child’s interest she’s there.

Also many dads just struggle to remember details around milestones and dates etc so he may also need backup.

I think the oddest thing about all this is your current partner not wanting to be involved

The person being the most selfless and mature seems to be the stepmum

@Desperatelyed
Is DD's Dad the father of the older child as well ?
What happened at that assessment ?

Your issue is jealously and it seems to be made worse by the fact your own partner isn’t taking an active role in your child’s life.

You may not be jealous Op but you clearly resent her DSM having any interest in your DD, would you be happier if she feed and bathed her and ignored her inbetween? If your DD has Autism then surely it will help if all the adults in her life can be on the same page

they run their household differently to yours. And honestly for some reason most men need an emotional support woman to be active fathers. it's rubbish but reality for a lot of people.

its not a competition.

I think your soon to be husband should be more involved in your child's life.
You chose to bring this man into DC life and it sounds like he's not very involved.

Is that why you can't understand your DC step mum wanting to be involved? I think the way the Dad and his wife are doing it is far more healthy for your child.

YABU, this is about your child, not you.

Partner is involved. He will watch dd if I’m working etc. but he understands that she has a dad and doesn’t intrude on stuff.

we’ve had arguments in the past because she has inserted herself into sports days because they’ve trained dd to say she wants her there

My oldest child has a different dad, and his wife doesn’t get involved!

You should be going as a group to be honest. So you can hear how DD is doing between the two houses instead of this immature separation of care.

If you can take your mum; your DDS dad can take his wife IMO as she’s a key part of DDS care. Welcome to blended families and compromise.

Just stop. No one's trained her to want them there. She is her own person and has her own autonomy.

i get it's not nice but at some point you have to let go and get over the jealously.

she has people that want to be involved with her care and achievements. It's not on you to diminish that.

Kindly, you sound quite bitter that your DD may in fact like the woman she spends half her week with.

Why on earth would you want to exclude her? She lives with your daughter and clearly cares for her. Why wouldn’t you want her to have insight into your daughter’s condition so she can best support her? The world is a hard place. The more people supporting, loving, and caring for your daughter the better. Unless you have safeguarding concerns you need to let her father parent her on his time as he sees fit, and that includes bringing with him a supportive, trusted, partner. It’s a shame you need separate appointments - it’s just means your DD will have to go through the process twice.

I read it as two separate appointments. One for OP and one of Ex and his partner. There are usual 2 proffesionals in the room, one asking questions one taking notes

They don't do the assessments infront of the adults either they ask the parents to wait in a waiting too.

I can't see a child feeling uncomfortable about divided loyalities in this scenario as it's not about the parents at all. It's about what the parents have noticed about the child's behaviour ect

What do you mean by "on purpose"?

An autism assessment heavily involves the adults most closely involved in caring for the young child. Your priority should be an accurate assessment. That means the questions being answered by the person who actually spends time with the child. It doesn’t matter that she is not the parent.