Page 7 | DD’s dad’s partner at my child’s autism assessment

Desperatelyed · 2025-10-07T07:59:33+00:00

DD is 6 and going through the autism assessment. me and her dad were never together but we have co parented well since she was born. When DD was 2, he married his now wife. I have no problem with her, but she looks down her nose at me. DD is with her dad half the week, and half with me. Her dad usually works nights so his wife will get involved with getting my DD to bed etc, and she has picked her up from school. I think that’s an overstep in itself but nothing I can do. his wife is now pregnant. DD has parent interview coming up for her assessment. He requested 2 separate appointments, which they’ve allowed. He told me that his wife will also be going to the appointment with him. I’m angry about this. It isn’t her child? Dd dad argued with me and said his wife spends a lot of time caregiving to our DD so she should be there. Why would she even want to go ? Can I stop her?

willitevergetwarm · 07/10/2025 11:01

YABVU
The more people that love and care for your DD the better. Don't make this about your bad feeling towards DD's step mum, it's about caring for your DD the best way possible.
How would you feel if DD's dad was annoyed that your Mum was going with you?
Us step parents get a bad deal, can't do right for doing wrong. Believe me when I say this is a good thing for her to do.

ResusciAnnie · 07/10/2025 11:02

Desperatelyed · 07/10/2025 09:09

It’s separate appointments, so I will go with my mum. And DD dad will go with his partner.

just seems weird that she’d want to go, I feel like she’s doing it on purpose

What, purposely trying to be informed about how she can best support a child who is in her care 50% of the time? Yeah, what a bitch.

notacooldad · 07/10/2025 11:02

just seems weird that she’d want to go, I feel like she’s doing it on purpose

Of course she's doing it on purpose.
It is so that she can share information that will help.your dd in the long run.
Why would you not want that.

PissahNF · 07/10/2025 11:04

Hi wife looks after your DD just as much as you do. She needs to know whats going on. get used to it.

LlamaNoDrama · 07/10/2025 11:04

Are you all on the same page re your dd having asd?

Original poster

Desperatelyed · 07/10/2025 11:04

WearyAuldWumman · 07/10/2025 10:56

I used to be a teacher, OP. It was common for a stepmother to attend a parents; evening with a child's father. (Usually there were two sets of appointments.)

Your DD's wife's attendance really isn't unusual.

This is something else I don’t like tbh. She is always going to separate school appointments with DD dad. DD dad said from the start he wanted separate appointments for everything. So I just had to accept it.

also people trying to make out in jealous. I’m engaged to my fiance and have been for 3 years. So it’s not jealousy. he doesn’t come to parents evenings or anything with me coz he understands it’s not his kid

OP posts:

Smartiepants79 · 07/10/2025 11:05

Desperatelyed · 07/10/2025 09:09

It’s separate appointments, so I will go with my mum. And DD dad will go with his partner.

just seems weird that she’d want to go, I feel like she’s doing it on purpose

Doing what on purpose? Caring for your child? Her step child? The half sibling of her child?
Like it or not she is the third most important caregiver in your child’s life. I’d be much more concerned if she wasn’t interested in being involved. They will not be in the same meeting as you so won’t be listening in on your private conversation. She’s not stepping on your toes here as far as I can tell. In fact it all seems very grown up and sensible and supportive of your child.
I can understand why this may feel weird but this is the way your family is set up. I really can’t see she’s doing anything wrong here.

Original poster

Desperatelyed · 07/10/2025 11:05

LlamaNoDrama · 07/10/2025 11:04

Are you all on the same page re your dd having asd?

yes we all suspect autism as my oldest child has it to

OP posts:

noonecaresanymore · 07/10/2025 11:06

Autism often runs in the family.

If you and/or your ex do not have a diagnosis, it's likely at least one of you has autism anyway, and if you've reached this age without anyone picking up on it, you're unlikely to have full self-awareness of it.

It's entirely possible that your ex's partner has witnessed behaviours in one or both of you which might be very helpful in providing supporting evidence for the likelihood of DD having autism.

Her turning up is a good thing.

You're not unreasonable to have a gut rage response, but you would be unreasonable to not realise this is a good thing, having had time to calm down and process it. She is another possible source of information for the assessor, and she clearly cares about your kid, or she wouldn't bother getting involved.

Her caring about your DD doesn't negate your role or importance as DD's mum. It just means she's part of the additional village being build around DD to support her.

MsPavlichenko · 07/10/2025 11:06

Desperatelyed · 07/10/2025 09:09

It’s separate appointments, so I will go with my mum. And DD dad will go with his partner.

just seems weird that she’d want to go, I feel like she’s doing it on purpose

She clear is doing it on purpose. I’d hope the purpose would be to learn more about how you can all best support your DD. Take it from me, the more people on board the better. Try not to feel defensive, she is already a part of her life, that’s going to continue to be the case. You don’t need to be friends, but you don’t need to assume ill intentions either.

Good luck.

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 07/10/2025 11:07

Desperatelyed · 07/10/2025 11:04

This is something else I don’t like tbh. She is always going to separate school appointments with DD dad. DD dad said from the start he wanted separate appointments for everything. So I just had to accept it.

also people trying to make out in jealous. I’m engaged to my fiance and have been for 3 years. So it’s not jealousy. he doesn’t come to parents evenings or anything with me coz he understands it’s not his kid

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Your dc's stepmother is actively involved in her care, and she is taking an active interest in your child. Your dc is very fortunate to have an engaged step parent like this - an extra adult who takes an active interest in her wellbeing and her development. It's a shame that you can't be pleased for her.

MyFortieth · 07/10/2025 11:09

Danioyellow · 07/10/2025 09:15

She’s not doing accidentally is she? She’s doing it to help the child she’s helping to raise, who spends half the week with her and who she no doubt takes care of more than the child’s father. I think your oh is courteous to ask for separate appointments, I wouldn’t see the problem in them attending yours? You have a very toxic way of viewing things

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I don’t know, it really feels like overstepping to me. Or as a minimum, it is something which can be horribly weaponised. e.g.
”DH and I were at her Autism Assessment” whilst neglecting to mention that OP is at the other assessment and pushing OP out of the picture.
Fundamentally, NW has no right to any of the child’s personal medical information, and should recognize that. If there was specific information ex thought she could validly bring to the party then perhaps she could write it down.

OP when you examine your conscience on this does she use your child to belittle you? does she generally disrespect you as a mother? could she be described as “sharp elbowed”? If the answer tends to yes, then you are not unreasonable, but if the answer is more no, then maybe the problem is a bit with you.

TheatricalLife · 07/10/2025 11:10

Desperatelyed · 07/10/2025 11:04

This is something else I don’t like tbh. She is always going to separate school appointments with DD dad. DD dad said from the start he wanted separate appointments for everything. So I just had to accept it.

also people trying to make out in jealous. I’m engaged to my fiance and have been for 3 years. So it’s not jealousy. he doesn’t come to parents evenings or anything with me coz he understands it’s not his kid

Show quote history

So why does it bother you so much? Is it the closeness to your child? Do you feel like she is trying to be a mum in contest to you? Do you feel she is overstepping? I can't quite figure out the issue you have with her.
She has been in your DD life for a significant period of time carrying out childcare tasks and presumably, being a kind and caring stepmum. You should be pleased you have someone who actually likes your DD and is prepared to be a big part in her life.

99bottlesofkombucha · 07/10/2025 11:13

It doesn’t seem at all weird that she wants to go, she seems to be the main carer for dd in dds dad’s house. Can’t you reframe this to be glad she cares instead of pissed off she’s involved? If she didn’t care it would be so much worse, it doesn’t sound like your ex would suddenly flex everything and become a super present dad?

Shoutinglagerlagerlager · 07/10/2025 11:14

Given her level of involvement in your child’s care, I’d have been worried if she didn’t want to get involved with the assessment. YABVU.

Zoono · 07/10/2025 11:14

Desperatelyed · 07/10/2025 11:04

This is something else I don’t like tbh. She is always going to separate school appointments with DD dad. DD dad said from the start he wanted separate appointments for everything. So I just had to accept it.

also people trying to make out in jealous. I’m engaged to my fiance and have been for 3 years. So it’s not jealousy. he doesn’t come to parents evenings or anything with me coz he understands it’s not his kid

Show quote history

Whatever issues you have with dds step mum , it doesn't matter in this situation, your dds wellbeing should be your only consideration, not your personal feelings. Co parenting isn't easy but trust me you should be relieved that your dds step mum wants to help and clearly loves your dd.

DaisyChain505 · 07/10/2025 11:16

Desperatelyed · 07/10/2025 11:04

This is something else I don’t like tbh. She is always going to separate school appointments with DD dad. DD dad said from the start he wanted separate appointments for everything. So I just had to accept it.

also people trying to make out in jealous. I’m engaged to my fiance and have been for 3 years. So it’s not jealousy. he doesn’t come to parents evenings or anything with me coz he understands it’s not his kid

Show quote history

It quite clearly is jealously.

Why wouldn’t you be anything other than happy and grateful that your daughter’s step mother wants to take an active and supportive role in her life.

Your daughter spends 50% of her life with this woman and she wants to make sure she’s up to date on everything she needs to know.

Smartiepants79 · 07/10/2025 11:16

MyFortieth · 07/10/2025 11:09

I don’t know, it really feels like overstepping to me. Or as a minimum, it is something which can be horribly weaponised. e.g.
”DH and I were at her Autism Assessment” whilst neglecting to mention that OP is at the other assessment and pushing OP out of the picture.
Fundamentally, NW has no right to any of the child’s personal medical information, and should recognize that. If there was specific information ex thought she could validly bring to the party then perhaps she could write it down.

OP when you examine your conscience on this does she use your child to belittle you? does she generally disrespect you as a mother? could she be described as “sharp elbowed”? If the answer tends to yes, then you are not unreasonable, but if the answer is more no, then maybe the problem is a bit with you.

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Anyone who has care of a child should be party to relevant medical information. Schools, nurseries and childminders are. How can someone care for a child if they don’t know such important information about them? It’s fine to say ‘it’s not her kid’ but when she is being repeatedly trusted to be that child’s primary care giver then she should be trusted to have the child’s best interest at heart and she needs to know all the stuff!

Arlanymor · 07/10/2025 11:17

I think you need to get to the bottom of why you feel this way...

She does most of the care while your daughter is with her dad - although she's not 'with' her dad as he's out working, she's with her stepmum. Your ex has insisted on two appointments since the marriage because to him it seems the most pragmatic way to organise things due to the fact that his wife is around more than he is. And it is, isn't it?

She is doing her best, it sounds to me, and it's not overstepping to want to know as much as possible so as to provide the best care possible. You won't want to hear this, but a bit of gratitude towards a woman who is doing her best for your kid might be in order, rather than complaining about her hard work and efforts.

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 07/10/2025 11:17

They're married! Like it or not, when she's with her dad, this woman will be as much a mum to your DD as he is a father.

I don't understand why you want to withhold this assessment from her when it should help her to understand and support your DD better.

walkawayytime · 07/10/2025 11:17

Why can you go with your mum but he can't go with his partner?

LadeOde · 07/10/2025 11:20

Desperatelyed · 07/10/2025 11:04

This is something else I don’t like tbh. She is always going to separate school appointments with DD dad. DD dad said from the start he wanted separate appointments for everything. So I just had to accept it.

also people trying to make out in jealous. I’m engaged to my fiance and have been for 3 years. So it’s not jealousy. he doesn’t come to parents evenings or anything with me coz he understands it’s not his kid

Show quote history

This is not necessarily a good thing. You will all live together if not already, and DD spends 50% of her time with you. Does your fiancee not interact with her at all? he should be doing what the step mother is doing. Is he going to continue being indifferent to her because, 'He understands it's not his kid'?

FutureMarchionessOfVidal · 07/10/2025 11:24

Well of course she’s doing it on purpose- in order to assist the process & learn from it.

Children are not territory to fight over.

Your daughter has an important family relationship with this woman who is in effect her second mother. It is a really good thing she is going, & that she goes to school appointments.You should be glad she is committed & engaged. Believe me, it would be a lot worse for your daughter if she was otherwise!

I’d recommend thinking hard about why you had this reaction, where it comes from & who encourages it, & how you can stop this bitterness spreading conflict & sadness in your daughter’s life.

Southshore18 · 07/10/2025 11:24

Desperatelyed · 07/10/2025 11:04

This is something else I don’t like tbh. She is always going to separate school appointments with DD dad. DD dad said from the start he wanted separate appointments for everything. So I just had to accept it.

also people trying to make out in jealous. I’m engaged to my fiance and have been for 3 years. So it’s not jealousy. he doesn’t come to parents evenings or anything with me coz he understands it’s not his kid

Show quote history

Does he so extensively solo parent your DD? Why can't you just be grateful for her involvement? She is looking after your DD half of the time. I don't understand why you are so bitter about it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/10/2025 11:26

walkawayytime · 07/10/2025 11:17

Why can you go with your mum but he can't go with his partner?

With his wife, of 4 years. And soon to be mum of OP’s DD’s half sibling.

Maybe OP’s upset her DP isn’t as invested in her child as her DD’s step mum is.