DD’s dad’s partner at my child’s autism assessment

[Desperatelyed]

DD is 6 and going through the autism assessment.

me and her dad were never together but we have co parented well since she was born. When DD was 2, he married his now wife. I have no problem with her, but she looks down her nose at me.

DD is with her dad half the week, and half with me. Her dad usually works nights so his wife will get involved with getting my DD to bed etc, and she has picked her up from school. I think that’s an overstep in itself but nothing I can do.

his wife is now pregnant.

DD has parent interview coming up for her assessment. He requested 2 separate appointments, which they’ve allowed.

He told me that his wife will also be going to the appointment with him. I’m angry about this. It isn’t her child?

Dd dad argued with me and said his wife spends a lot of time caregiving to our DD so she should be there. Why would she even want to go ? Can I stop her?

My eldest DD has a step mum.
step mum met her dad when she was 6 months old.
they went on to get married and have a child. Daughter stayed with them every other weekend
one night in the week and half of all holidays.
when DD was 9 her dad died. That was now 3 years ago and DD still stays with her step mum and sibling at least one weekend a month sometimes 2 and when ever she wants in the holidays. I was never jealous or insecure about her as I was confident in my parent abilities.
we are now very good friends after going through similar things leaving us both single mums ( both have additional children ) she needs a baby sitter I do it. All the kids get on well and I just accepted at the every beginning that she was going to be a part to my DDs life and so glad she is now.

Are you OK?? She wasn't the other woman, we were split ages before they got together. As she lived with my son's dad my son was around her a lot. She will still pick him up from school and take him out for tea etc as she loves him a lot as he does her.

Her and I are friends now and I'm secure enough in my parenting to know no one would replace me as my child's mum. Obviously that isn't the case for you and I'm so sorry for you.

You left a 6 month old to be looked after by someone else?

No need.

The thing is OP, you haven’t chosen a nuclear family or a straight forward path as you’ve had two kids with different men and you’re now in a long engagement with a third who doesn’t seem very involved with your kids. You weren’t even dating the younger one’s dad, who knows about the older one’s. You’ve made a series of choices which have consequences, like not being able to control the people your children’s fathers end up with.

The dad in question here has a stable family set up, he’s married and has been for most of DD’s life, his wife is an involved, invested, committed, loving parent to DD, they’re having a baby. These are all positive things for DD. By all means resent that and continue to fight it but you’ll damage your own relationship with her, and that too will have consequences.

I said step mum met her dad at 6 months old ?

I didn't say the other woman, I said some other woman, as in another woman. I raise my own child, no pity needed.

Was the 6 month old doing overnights?

Ah you've edited your post. How is she letting someone else raise her kid? The child has 2 parents and as far as I can see from the OPs posts the child enjoys a relationship with both of them.

madness. Op hasn't given any examples of the wife doing anything untoward to her.
Why would she wreck an amicable relationship with her DDs father and interrupt her childs life because of petty jealousy.

Not that she'd be able to change custody without court and a reason other than she thinks this woman doesn't like her. This a real child not a doll to be fought over to stick it to another woman.

I saw their post and couldn't make sense of it tbh 🤣

Your post was really nice to read, I don't know why she's then wrote this as if it's a negative 🤦‍♀️😅 your set up sounds lovely

Hopefully the OP reads your posts and keeps in mind this is where she's headed if she continues to let someone else raise her kid

As in did her dad have her over night at 6 months old ? Yep because he was fully fledged adult who had just as much parenting rights as my self who was more than capable of changing her nappy and feeding her expressed milk - did the step mum move in at 6 months old- no.

Is she actually making accusations that you are a shit mum? Or do you feel that way because she is actively involved?
I think you need to separate your feelings from the needs of your daughter. I'm assuming DD has a positive and caring relationship with her step mum who obviously loves her enough to bother with appointments and school events etc. What stepmum thinks of you, and you of her, isn't important as long as both parties are positive in front of DD. Like it or not, you have a coparenting relationship with this women. It's will be so much nicer and easier if you just accept that. It could be much worse. My friend had a stepmum who couldn't have had less interest in her and her sister from the ages of 5 and 7 until their late 30s. No affection, no presents on any occasions, no meals made, literally nothing. They were lucky if she acknowledged them and they lived in the same house. They basically didn't exist to her.

How does she go about making you seem like a shit mom?

I think you are jealous, not about the ex and his wife but about the involvement she wants to have and your finance doesn't bother. So you pretend like its weird that step mum wants to be involved so it doesn't look weird that your fiance isn't involved.

This is so taboo. Well, at least someone cared for the child.

Because she's part of your child's life. She will be the mother of your child's sibling. I understand you did not choose this situation and it's hard to have another woman involved like this, nobody starts out having kids intending to have to split their time between two homes and families. But this is the reality you have. The more you fight against it, the harder it will be, for you and everyone else. Accepting something doesn't mean you have to like it, but it allows you to try to start dealing with reality, instead of wanting things to be different, because that will only cause you more pain, and force your child into a loyalty bind where she doesn't feel free to love all the adults in her family equally. Stepmum might not be your kind of person, and you and her don't have to be besties. If she genuinely does want to try to make you out to be a shit mum, right now you are making that very easy for her with the attitude you're giving and appearing to put your dislike of her above your child's best interests.

Love isn't limited, OP. I'm a stepchild, my relationship with my SM hasn't always been easy, but one thing I'm grateful of is my mum never, ever made it harder or made me choose, or said bad things about her or my siblings. Having a stepfamily never made me love my mum any less. But I would have thought less of my mum if she'd centred herself and complained about it constantly.

If you're really struggling, maybe it's time to get some counselling so you have a safe space to talk about your feelings and find a way forward so you can find some acceptance and make peace with things not turning out the way you hoped.

“They’ve trained DD” Seriously?

@Desperatelyed I don’t know what the real problem is here, but I am someone who has had a step mother, been a stepmother, and my DC have had two stepmothers, so I have seen all sides of this.

I will never forget or forgive how my mother tried to turn me against my DSM, who was absolutely lovely.

I will also never forget or forgive the first stepmother my DC had, who was really nasty to DS.

You should be grateful that your children have an understanding and interested stepmother, not sounding bitter and twisted about it all.

Are you concerned that her participation is throwing an unfavourable light on your own relationship? I can’t really understand why your mother is more involved with childcare than your DP? Unless you do not/and have no plans to live together?

You need to reframe your jealousy of this woman and see her in a far more positive light.

And please don’t demean yourself by suddenly drip feeding a load of stepmother misdemeanours at this point…

Life sounds pretty tough for you. Don’t make it harder.

Yep - both her parents 🤣🤣🤣

She helps care for your child, of course she should be involved.
Do you want your DD to get the help she needs?

What are you talking about? You've commented on a few other posters now making weird digs..... are you okay?

You sound horrible tbh. Both of your children have blended families but the stepmother who wants to make a difference to your child’s life and be involved and interested is the bad guy? They haven’t ‘trained’ her to do anything-just asked her if she wanted them there. Try to think of what will benefit your child rather than pander to your ego.

I suspect if your own DP wanted to be more active in your DD's life you wouldn't find it a problem.

Do you ever go on holiday with your own DP and DC all together?
Doesn't he ever interact with your DD?

I also wonder if your DD really likes her SM and you're finding that a problem.

Well, this, basically!

I imagine you'd be posting on here complaining bitterly if she were showing zero interest/concern/understanding/engagement with your DD's condition.....

It's a hugely stressful time for all of you but as has been said here, this woman is not your enemy and she's doing the best she can for your DD. Don't knock it, many people have a far, far worse dynamic to work with.

I'm not going to agree with her that you're a shit Mum, as I don't know you, but a good Mum wants what is best for her child, which means as many people as possible showing up for them, supporting them and loving them, families working together to organise childcare the way that works best, and, with regard to medical/ neurodiversity assessments, anyone who may have important evidence or information, or might need advice and guidance in how to manage any difficulties the child might have to be engaged in the process.

If it bothers you that others don't perceive you as a good Mum, give that some thought.