DP angry I put heating on as he “pays the bills” AIBU?

[Lily0o]

Last week when the weather was colder I put the heating on. My partner got into an argument with me over this saying it costs a fortune and turned it off. Told me to use blankets. I got into an argument with him over this. He started on at me about money, as he’s paying the bills etc.

He does “pay the bills” as our financial arrangement is that I own my own flat, so I pay the entire mortgage (as it is solely mine) and he doesn’t pay rent but he covers the gas and electric, council tax and half the food bills. I lived with him over the summer where this obviously wasn’t an issue but now it’s coming to winter he’s starting to aggravate me. I think he’s annoyed about paying all the bills. But I think our arrangement is fair? If he was renting a flat this size it would cost him £2500 a month (it’s 3 bedrooms in Brighton) and he’s paying a few hundred pounds every month.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable, maybe I am? Just looking for opinions.

I agree!

We haven’t been together long enough to get engaged and buy a place together.

And I think it's a good idea that you never do this.

You do realise that never having any heating on in cold and damp weather is not good for the building let alone your health?

If this partner of yours won't even contribute towards the heating it sounds to me that he is far too tight fisted to have a permanent relationship with.

Is your electricity on a monthly direct debit? Is he actually being an even bigger CF while funds built up over the summer will offset the winter bills?

Either way, it's clearly an arrangement that's not working for him. I think that in order to be fair, you should simply say that you've done some research and lodger rates are £X per month. That you propose moving to that and will revert to covering the bills. But that you won't be dictated to about reasonable usage in your own home. Obviously he's free to move out and come to his own arrangements elsewhere. CF.

I'd be very wary going forward. Worth trying to explore his more general thinking on what's "reasonable", how maternity and childcare costs would be split, what is his view on what happens to your respective assets should you marry...

How much are you both paying in relation to your salary?

What’s your relationship like in general? Do you constantly remind him that it’s your house and he’s trying to assert himself via the only thing he has control over? Does he have money worries you don’t know about, debts etc? Otherwise this is odd (and not v nice!) behaviour.

ftr, gas, electric, council tax & half the food bills in my house (3 story, 4 bed terrace with 4 people living in it) comes to £700pcm.

If the OP is paying out £2k for a mortgage, half the food bills, the water rates, bulidings/contents insurances, the tv/internet package, any gas/electric monthly cover..etc, you can bet your arse she's paying out a damn sight more than £700

There's are 2 easy solutions to this. The first is what a lot of posters are saying - chuck him out. The other option, if you enjoy his company etc - carry on as you were before he moved in as you said you don't need any money from him anyway. So you carry on paying for everything you did before, and then you have total control over everything. He just pays for whatever food he eats, like a house guest. After a few months you'll realise the sort of person he is to live with, his values, his character, whether he's a lazy slob, whether he's willing to cook and clean and shop and other domestic stuff, and whether you want to continue living together or not, at which point you can work out a fair solution. Maybe finding your own place to buy together.

wow. rent is expensive in Brighton, especially for a 3 bed. if he is only paying a few hundred he is having a laugh! Does he realise how expensive it is to live there?

How much would he pay for a room in a house, OP - Im pretty sure in Hastings which is much cheaper, its about £5-600 if its a nice place usually including bills.

a glance at spare room is showing Studios from 900 - 2200 in Brighton no bills included. and shared rooms ranging from 600-950 including bills. If he were renting a 3 bed its more like 2.5-4K a month

perhaps a fixed amount would be easier (have a look at the bills and factor in the range for summer vs winter), but remember that you've lost your 25% discount on council tax, and he will still need to do 50/50 on food.

and I am on SE coast and whacked the heating on for a couple of hours last week, and Im someone who usually has it at 17 through the winter

It was cold last week. I have my heating on in two rooms downstairs - I pay for it, of course. Had my late DH been around he would have put the lot on - we paid for it, of course!

If it’s costing him a lot less than it would otherwise to live in that kind of property with another person (ie rent and half of all council tax, water, electric etc) then you need to remind him he’s on a good deal and he doesn’t get to dictate the heating. Tell him he’s free to leave and live in a cold house by himself.

I think I would print a few pages from the rent a room website, highlight the rents and leave them floating around.

I'm baffled by people who say it's too early to put the heating on. Surely this decision is based on temperature not the calendar? And if you can't afford heating it makes no odds that it's October. Wrapping yourself in a blanket in a cold flat is a miserable experience and doesn't do anything for the air temperature which is what makes cold weather so horrible. If there's no financial need for it I'd say it's a dealbreaker.

He can have 3 choices:

1. Shut up and stop being pathetic
2. Move out and get his own place where he pays all the bills, rent/mortgage etc.
3. You can split all the bills right down the middle and he can pay rent for living there as well as his share of all the bills.

I assume he does his share of things around the house.

On a separate note, I don't understand this "too early for heating" thing. Surely it's about the temperature, not time of year? My heating is on all the time (albeit on a timer). It's on a thermostat. When the temperature in the kitchen drops below 18 degrees, it kicks in. it kicked in for the first time since spring, last week. I don't think it was on for very long as it took very little effort to warm up and the rest of the day was less cold. I realised when I got up it had been on, but it was clearly off again by the time I came downstairs as the radiators were cooling down. It didn't kick in again.

I concede that I have a house that is very easy to heat and and that if it's got to 18 or lower in the kitchen it's probably very cold everywhere else but will very quickly warm up.

I think you would be better off splitting all bills 50/50 - yes you are paying the mortgage and he is very lucky to have no rent. But I think this it will avoid this issue with the heating and prevent him thinking he is paying into your flat in some way.

A browse of Spareroom suggests that if he was paying to lodge in a flat in Central Brighton he'd be looking at paying circa £850/month inc bills. Perhaps more depending on where/how nice the flat is. If he's paying less than that he's being a cf by moaning. Also NB that a mortgage ends up costing you a lot more than the paper value of the loan - e.g. if you get a loan for £500k you will spend significantly more than that in mortgage payments - so don't just accept the "you have an asset at the end of the day" argument as a significant amount of what you are paying is interest to the bank.

I'm baffled by people who say it's too early to put the heating on. Surely this decision is based on temperature not the calendar?

I'm with you @DrCoconut and @JadziaD
Our heating clicks on when the thermostat dips under 20 degrees.

But this is MN, home of the morally superior and "well 'ard" mumsnetters who won't put the heating on unless they have icicles on the inside taps (fair enough is finances are an issue though)

Are you able to tell us what you pay for the mortgage vs what he is paying on bills? Because if you’re paying £900 on mortgage and he’s paying £400 in bills obviously he’s got a good deal

This. Just imagine how it's going to be if you ever decide to get married or , god forbid, have children with him. Mean partners are never attractive in adult relationships . Get rid.

Tell him to fuck right off and find somewhere else (cold) to live. The end

I voted yabu, because it sounds like the way bills are split needs discussing. He is also being unreasonable, because it's not fair of him to trump you and say heating must stay off. You need to communicate. Sounds like the current financial arrangements as aren't working, so have a chat about what you'd both prefer and come to a compromise.

A few hundred pounds a month to pay towards your bills is nothing compared to if he was to rent somewhere in Brighton. Tell him to move out and see how he likes paying rent plus bills on top if he wants to carry on moaning about paying by a few measly quid a day on heating the ungrateful sod. You’re definitely not being unreasonable

Absolutely not, I’m not being his sugarmummy and covering every single bill. That’s ridiculous.

The real issue here is that instead of telling you he's worried about the cost of heating, he started an argument. Over an hour or two of heating, when you were cold.

How long before he starts laying down the law about other things in such a manner? He thinks you had a minute more in the shower? Argument. You had two more potatoes with your dinner? Argument.

I couldn't be with someone who thinks this is an acceptable way to deal with issues. It's up to you whether you think the rest of the relationship is worth it.

I don't actually think it's fair that he has to pay all the bills, to be honest. If he wasn't there, you'd have to pay for everything. Bills and food should be 50/50. Mortgage should be whoever the house belongs to, and you will in turn get the asset, whereas he will not. Charging someone "rent" for a partner living in your home is something I've never been comfortable with. If you want a lodger, get one.

I moved in with DP 8 years ago, it was his house. He never wanted me to pay towards the mortgage - just half of the bills and food. After 6 years I had a decent sum saved, which would cover the rest of his mortgage, which was half of the value of the house. So I paid it off and we put me on the deeds. This has worked out very well for everyone! He's mortgage free 10 years early, I'm a homeowner.

Perhaps you live together too soon?