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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP angry I put heating on as he “pays the bills” AIBU?

651 replies

Lily0o · 06/10/2025 17:09

Last week when the weather was colder I put the heating on. My partner got into an argument with me over this saying it costs a fortune and turned it off. Told me to use blankets. I got into an argument with him over this. He started on at me about money, as he’s paying the bills etc.

He does “pay the bills” as our financial arrangement is that I own my own flat, so I pay the entire mortgage (as it is solely mine) and he doesn’t pay rent but he covers the gas and electric, council tax and half the food bills. I lived with him over the summer where this obviously wasn’t an issue but now it’s coming to winter he’s starting to aggravate me. I think he’s annoyed about paying all the bills. But I think our arrangement is fair? If he was renting a flat this size it would cost him £2500 a month (it’s 3 bedrooms in Brighton) and he’s paying a few hundred pounds every month.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable, maybe I am? Just looking for opinions.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lily0o · 06/10/2025 17:23

Moonnstars · 06/10/2025 17:14

It's hard to know whether you are being fair without knowing more details.
How much are you paying for the mortgage?
How much do all the other bills come to?
How much do you both earn?

Personally I don't think the heating should go on just yet and I would also be looking at how much you were wrapped up.

If he moved out would you be able to cover all the costs yourself?

I earn more than he does. Mortgage is just under 2000 pm and I don’t care that I pay much more than him as obviously I’m paying into an ASSET so I don’t expect us to split things evenly. I thought our arrangement was pretty fair.

OP posts:
BettysRoasties · 06/10/2025 17:24

Kick him out and if you need the cash get a legit lodger.

BusWankers · 06/10/2025 17:24

You both pay the bills though. A mortgage is a bill surely?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/10/2025 17:24

Probably if you do stay together it’s better to charge him rent and then split bills.

BusWankers · 06/10/2025 17:25

Chuck him a tenner to cover the heating and tell him to fuck off forever.

Original poster
Lily0o · 06/10/2025 17:25

PermanentTemporary · 06/10/2025 17:21

1 You’re allowed to decide to put the heating on in your home, whoever pays the bills.
2 Is he struggling to afford the bills? He probably is allowed to say something though not to moan.
3 How much does it actually cost to run the heating for say 2 hours? Are you tending to leave it on all night or something?
4 This rather unusual arrangement might not work?

No I only put it on for an hour or so and it heats up the entire flat then i switch it off. I do the same thing again if it gets cold.

Is it an unusual arrangement? I don’t know what the norm is when someone owns a property. I’m absolutely not putting him of the mortgage as we haven’t been together long enough!

OP posts:
Poppingby · 06/10/2025 17:26

Your financial arrangements are not sustainable. Obviously you should be able to put the heating on whenever you want as long as you can afford it. On the surface he is being really unreasonable but what you are paying is an investment and you still get the flat, whereas what he is paying is spent and gone. Obviously it's your flat but it's not a very equal arrangement even if it's cheaper for him than you. Long term you benefit much more and he's probably well aware of that. I'm not sure what the answer is but it might be to charge him the market rent and invest what doesn't go on the mortgage so you can pay him back if you split up, or sell and buy together.

If it's a short term relationship and you foresee splitting up soon then none of this matters but if you're serious about him, his long term financial security is important too.

Original poster
Lily0o · 06/10/2025 17:26

Btw I appreciate all the responses and opinions, I am reading them

OP posts:
youalright · 06/10/2025 17:27

You can put the heating on in your own flat. Your not a child who does he think he is. Tell him ok I we will split the bills but he will need to start paying rent. He has no idea how good he has it.

BettysRoasties · 06/10/2025 17:27

How much are his bills?

If you charged him rent and half bills vs the bills he pays which one works out better.

Id guess it’s his current deal.

Screamingabdabz · 06/10/2025 17:27

Anybody taking issue with me putting the heating on in my own home could get in the bin.

AquaFurball · 06/10/2025 17:27

He's already showing you he's tight fisted and controlling @Lily0o. He pays much less than you do towards the overall household bills. You don't need him or his contribution.

Wherethewildthingsfart · 06/10/2025 17:28

It’s not going to work.

inamo · 06/10/2025 17:29

What bills does he cover? Everything from Sky (etc.), food, council tax, electric, gas, water, management fee. What? Just wondered what is included in his "rent free" abode.

To be fair, if the cost of the bills is higher than the cost of a 50:50 flatshare, while you build up your asset (as you have acknowledged), maybe a further discussion might be needed here? Talk to him and see why he feels in control of the heating for starters.

Billybagpuss · 06/10/2025 17:29

There’s a spelling mistake in your op you meant ex-partner

if he’s like this in September, what’s he gonna be like in January?

Topseyt123 · 06/10/2025 17:29

It's your flat. You own it, he doesn't. Tell him to move his arse back out again.

Presumably you managed your mortgage and bills fine before he moved in if that was only this summer, so you can do so again. This time without this tightwad being so miserly and critical of you.

In my own home nobody, absolutely nobody, would tell me what to do and when/if I could have the heating on. Fuck that! They'd be shown the door if they tried.

I don't think your financial arrangement is a good one. Him paying all bills apart from the mortgage has clearly gone to his head and he is showing you a very nasty and controlling side of his character. This may be who he really is, so be mindful of that. These are almost certainly his true colours.

The best financial arrangement would be to live separately, even if that means splitting up.

borntobequiet · 06/10/2025 17:32

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 06/10/2025 17:21

Get a lodger. Kick out your partner. Cash flow fine.

Good advice.

StrawberrySquash · 06/10/2025 17:32

But he is paying rent. Just in the form of your half of bills. Money is money.

If I was being made to 'waste' my money paying for what I saw as unnecessary heating then it would annoy me. Although I'd probably let it go to a certain degree if my bills made the rent a bargain.

You really need to have a discussion about what you consider worth spending money on. There's no one right answer as to how much to heat the house.

And he should have been more mindful about how 'I pay the bills' sounds.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 06/10/2025 17:32

What are the reasons you moved in together and where do you see the relationship going longterm? I'm trying to see both sides.

So many times on MN a woman will start a thread saying they've moved into their partner's flat, the partner is paying all the mortgage beause they want to keep the property as just their own and doesn't want the woman to have any claim on it, and the woman is paying all the bills. The man claims that the woman has a good deal because she's living rent-free.

What do most of the responses usually say? "Ah he just wants someone in to pay the bills and sleep with. He's got it made." And "you've got no security - he could just chuck you out whenever he felt like it and you'd be homeless."

For me, it's how you both vew the relationship long-term which matters. If you are planning to settle down together for the rest of your life then you'd better be thinking about working towards joining your lives up properly, somehow where both parties are benefiting.

If this is a test to see how you actually get on living together and you both love each other and want to be together forever etc, then I'd want to be working towards getting engaged with a view to finding a joint property together. Maybe you could sell your flat, and put any proceeds towards a new place together, with somehting drawn up legally to protect your deposit in the event of divorce etc.

But to be honest, it just sounds like it's all an arrangement of convenience at the moment.

Boomer55 · 06/10/2025 17:34

It is very early for heating, but if you want it on than best lob him out, and pay for it.

SpryUmberZebra · 06/10/2025 17:34

Bobiverse · 06/10/2025 17:14

You’re being unfair. If you don’t want to charge him rent, that’s your choice. But you can’t make him pay all the bills. Bills should be 50/50. You’re eating your cake and having it too.

If you charged him a fair rent, then you’d be paying 50:50 bills and he’d probably end up paying around the same, but be less impacted by the winter increase in heating.

Because you don’t want to charge him rent, you’re making him pay all the bills. He’s not really saving anything, you’re getting the same money off him but making sure it’s documented so he doesn’t have any claim on your house. That’s fine; you don’t want him having a claim on your house, but you’re still essentially charging him to same as you would have.

You’re trying to keep full claim on your home and don’t need to pay any bills. Even though they can increase quite a lot.

You know that you can charge him rent and he doesn’t get a claim on your property, right? Just like a lodger.

Charge him rent, and split the bills 50:50 so that you absorb some of the winter fees.

(this is assuming that he’d live in a flat share with rent and bills split rather than a 3 bed house, or be a lodger elsewhere).

Edited

You do realize that him paying just bills actually saves him money right? If they split the bills and he pays her rent he will end up spending more.

And if they break up and he has to go rent his own place it will cost him even more than paying her rent and splitting bills.

frozendaisy · 06/10/2025 17:34

This would be it for me for living together.
Not saying split up but I would say that it's too soon, he needs to get himself his own place then perhaps he might have a think about an extra tenner for heating in YOUR own house.

Cheeky fuckwit.

He won't leave now though, you know this don't you, he will make it that if he leaves you split up blah blah. Basically you will know exactly what he thinks of you when/if/sounds like it will be an eventually when so might as well do it sooner rather than later.

He wants to be completely in control of a flat he doesn't pay rent on. Fuck that.

MO0N · 06/10/2025 17:34

I would put it to him that living together is not working and your relationship would be more harmonious if he got his own place.

AgnesX · 06/10/2025 17:35

LifeBeginsToday · 06/10/2025 17:13

I'm with him on it being too early for heating but with you on the financial set up is going to cause resentment and he isn't far off getting a free ride. He probably resents that you're a homeowner and he isn't.

Oops, wrong post sorry 😞

Nearly50omg · 06/10/2025 17:35

You have a stingy cocklodger!! Get him out!! Nothing worse than a mean man

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