DP angry I put heating on as he “pays the bills” AIBU?

[Lily0o]

Last week when the weather was colder I put the heating on. My partner got into an argument with me over this saying it costs a fortune and turned it off. Told me to use blankets. I got into an argument with him over this. He started on at me about money, as he’s paying the bills etc.

He does “pay the bills” as our financial arrangement is that I own my own flat, so I pay the entire mortgage (as it is solely mine) and he doesn’t pay rent but he covers the gas and electric, council tax and half the food bills. I lived with him over the summer where this obviously wasn’t an issue but now it’s coming to winter he’s starting to aggravate me. I think he’s annoyed about paying all the bills. But I think our arrangement is fair? If he was renting a flat this size it would cost him £2500 a month (it’s 3 bedrooms in Brighton) and he’s paying a few hundred pounds every month.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable, maybe I am? Just looking for opinions.

Yes and those are the people telling me I need to be a sugarmummy to a almost 30 year old man because they benefited from the same arrangement.

If you’re fine with this agreement then continue, but wow, he’s got some nerve OP. Doubt he’d even get a flat share for £500 a month!! What a lucky guy

It’s time he fucked off isn’t it?

Whyyyyy do women move in loosers with them- no man should ever move in with a woman.

Having my cake and eating it?! I’m saving between £200-£300 a month. Thats nothing to me. Are you financially supporting a man by any chance?

You clearly resent him so tell him to move out. This doesn't sound sustainable.

Does it really cost that much to heat a room to take the chill out the air. I’d be packing his stuff and leaving them on the doorstep

😂

Regardless of how you split the finances I would be done with this.
Let’s say you are still together in 10 years, and something happens which means your income goes down. Maternity leave, ill health, whatever.

What else are you not allowed to do ‘because he pays the bills’?

If he wants to raise it due to a rise in costs and he’s struggling that’s a conversation. He doesn’t get to tell you what to do, and it’s telling he thinks he can.

So he has £2.5k disposable income and he's complaining about a few quid on the heating bill? That is not a man you want to be sharing a home with. As someone else said, if you were on maternity leave he'd be expecting you to pay 50/50 out of your savings, and pay the subsequent child care out of your salary.

I'm gobsmacked by the poster who thinks you should just pay for everything!!

He's a cheeky bastard, complaining about you putting the heating on in your own house because 'he pays the bills'. I presume that if you charged him an equivalent rent for your area and then half the bills and food shopping, he would be worse off than he is at the moment?

I'd definately be re-thinking the relationship.

So he can get on his feet? Exactly why did he move in with you?

Either he is very tight fisted or he is just unpleasant and wants to “put you in your place”. Either way he is not someone you want to be in a relationship with. I think it is easiest just to end it now. I guess you could have a serious “this is completely unacceptable- if it happens again I will end this” conversation with him but I’m not sure he is worth it.

Incidentally - for a different way of doing this - when SIL moved in with DB she was living in a share house before that. She paid DB half the rent that she had been paying on the share house and they shared the bills.

It meant that they were both better off by roughly the same amount. (Plus SIL no longer had to live with the bloke she was fairly sure was actually a vampire. 😂)

Tell him not to let the door hit him on the way out.

I would look at what a lodger would pay for a room incl bills in your area and charge him that and draw up a rental agreement. Even if you discount the rent part there is bills plus wear and tear on the house, that he should pay towards because he is using all facilities.
If you don’t want him to pay any rent then I would split all the other bills in half and get him to pay half and see what he does with his money, does he buy extra bits and pieces, pay for meals out/holidays or does he stash his money and not bring anything to the relationship bar the bare minimum?
It’s a bit of an odd arrangement i think charging him a set amount rather then bills would be a better to go.

I feel like the comments are so divided that I’m either a grabby monster and a cheeky f**ker for saving roughly £200 a month on bills (wowwww) or he’s an awful rude man. I thought the arrangement was fine and went with it as I’m still paying a lot more but I don’t want to be taken TOTALLY advantage of which some women on this thread expect me to be.

How old are you both? Where was he living before you moved in together and how long had you been a couple before he moved in over the summer?

Maybe you should ask him to move out as you actually sound quite bitter about finances.

what a joyous happy home this sounds 🤔

OP, it’s rotten. Might as well accept that sooner rather than later.

If he was renting alone he’d be paying £2500 a month

Why would he rent a 3-bedroom flat on his own? He doesn't live on his own now - you are there!

Different arrangements work for different dynamics.

He's clearly got a great deal financially but that's not a strong predictor of the longevity or happiness in a relationship.

If I was to guess.. his comment about the heat is more about an unequal power dynamic than the actual cost. Or maybe it's cultural - I cannot, for the absolutely life of me, understand why British people don't put the heat on when it's cold!!

Kick him out or don't. It's pretty clear from your comments you think he should be grateful and stfu. And he probably should.

Only you know if he's a cock lodger or worth this thread!

OP hasn't said that though. He was the nasty one, switching the heating off and scolding her for putting it on in her own home. If he rented a flat or even just a room in Brighton, it would cost him far more than paying the gas and electric bill.

I don’t resent him at all. I resent comments from women expecting me to be some kind of sugarmummy from women who have never done that for a man in their life! Maybe if they’d brought a flat and covered the mortgage as well as paying exactly half of bills and council tax and allowed a man to live with them very cheaply for years to “save up” then they could tell me to do the same. Except they’ve never done that themselves.

If he's resentful of you benefitting from him paying the heating bill, he's being unreasonable and deffo a tight arse. What's he thinking? He'd be paying a hell of a lot more for his own place, as you say. He needs a reality check. Tell him you don't need to be restricted and that you'll pay for it yourself. Then ask when he's moving out.

You and your partner don’t seem to like each other very much, let alone love one another.

what a shitty way to live.

and tonight for example… are you feverishly tapping away on your mumsnet thread about him whilst he sits next to you?