DP angry I put heating on as he “pays the bills” AIBU?

[Lily0o]

Last week when the weather was colder I put the heating on. My partner got into an argument with me over this saying it costs a fortune and turned it off. Told me to use blankets. I got into an argument with him over this. He started on at me about money, as he’s paying the bills etc.

He does “pay the bills” as our financial arrangement is that I own my own flat, so I pay the entire mortgage (as it is solely mine) and he doesn’t pay rent but he covers the gas and electric, council tax and half the food bills. I lived with him over the summer where this obviously wasn’t an issue but now it’s coming to winter he’s starting to aggravate me. I think he’s annoyed about paying all the bills. But I think our arrangement is fair? If he was renting a flat this size it would cost him £2500 a month (it’s 3 bedrooms in Brighton) and he’s paying a few hundred pounds every month.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable, maybe I am? Just looking for opinions.

He's having an easy life,remind him of the fact

Yea, kick his ass out, see how he likes that? Lol

Yea, kick his ass out, see how he likes that? Lol

Yea kick his ass out, see how he likes that, lol

How much is your mortgage and how much are the bills? You said if he rented itd cost him £2500 a month but not clear to me if your mortgage is around that marker as well?
Is his salary less than yours? Is he in debt? Any luxury commitments financially of his own such as car that you both get the benefit of?

If he had his own house even a 1 bed in the same area he would be around £1800-2200 a month, then his council tax, gas/electric and food. So if OP was really expecting to much he could get his own place. But he and about 98% of the comments know fine well he has it to easy, he sounds jealous. Let him get his own mortgage and fend for himself.

Why should she pay half of the bills when he pays zero rent?

Renting is also a situation whereby youd never have a share in the property youre paying to rent so thats neither here nor there. They should split everything down the middle including the mortgage or continue as they are (because she accepts that and he accepted that) and she is direct with him in that she is able to do whatever she wants in her home or he has to leave.

I think the whole situation is rather unfair. I am guessing your mortgage is a repayment mortgage so if you both lived in this same situation for about 28 years, his money would have basically been paying for debts and have nothing to show for it, where as you would have paid off a mortgage and have hundreds of thousands of pounds in equity. If he wasn't living there, you would have to pay for all the bills as well as your mortgage. So although I don't think you are being unreasonable about putting the heating on in the house you own, I think you are taking advantage of him as how would he ever be able to save to give him the chance of getting some financial stability. What would be fair, if you intend to keep the equity in your flat to yourself is to pay half the bills each and for him to pay half of what the interest would be on your mortgage.

OP has answered these questions. She is paying £2200 per month and he is paying between £400 and £500 per month. He takes home over £3k per month so has loads of disposable income after paying his very small share. He isn't in debt as he moved straight from his parents' house, where all his living expenses were covered, to OP's house.

Your arrangement is MORE THAN FAIR!

I have a problem with insulation in my property. For that reason I have to have the heating on 24/7 in the colder weather. At maximum my bill is about £200 gas for the whole month. If he cant afford for you to put the heating on at around about that price or less (assuming you have no insulation problems etc and it wouldnt be as expensive or more expensive than that) then he really isn't ready to be in a relationship at all. In which case send him back to parents to mature a bit

Thanks for clarifying. I had only read OP statement and then wrote it and then started working my way through the feed where I was able to collate more information to support my opinion. New to this mumsnet next time ill read all first before commenting. Thanks again.

Exactly. Or she sells and they buy together and split everything down the middle. This arrangement is bliss for him hes simply a miser!

I ended up in this position with my ex. I owned the house, he was meant to pay water (15 a month), electricity (50-100 a month) and internet (40 a month). The house rental value would have been in excess of 2500 a month including private outdoor pool etc. I paid all pool and garden maintenance (he refused to help in the garden or the house). He "forgot" to pay the water bills so I ended up having to pay fines (we are not in the UK) and the bills were in my name, and he decided not to pay the electricity after a year. So I ended up paying both electricity and water. Then he cut off the internet (the only thing in his name) without telling me. I really miss him (not!)

I won't freeze for anyone. Sod him. If he loved you he'd be happy enough to keep you warm.

Nip this in the bud now. Tell the tightarse that he can rent his own fucking cold freezing cold flat

why are people still posting when the OP hasn't responded since monday?

Honestly .. I think he's given you a preview into what life would be like if you were ever dependent on him ie like on maternity leave. Kicking off about the heating and telling you can't have it on would massively concern me to be honest. ( regardless of how ye split your finances overall) . There is nothing worse in life than a tightwad.

I would be angry if I am perimenopausal as one minute one is cold and the next hot.
Is it possible to get an electric blanket as this is cheaper plus if he is not feeling cold then it's a win win.

My heating has been on a few weeks..not always the same temperature but I feel the cold and no one is telling me to turn it off.

It honestly helps to always have it the same temp because your body gets used to it.

@CyanMember, have you tried wearing more layers before getting to the point of putting the heating on?

I couldn’t be dealing with him,

I would consider this is highlighting a fundamental incompatibility and his financial and controlling red flag behaviours, which will only get worse.

Whats showing up as a crack now will be a chasm if this relationship continues.

You don’t have any ties - home, marriage, DC and I would strongly advise to keep it that way! Cut him loose and he can go and rent his own place with lots of blankets!

On a practical note, I also do what you do to take the chill off, there’s also a lot of damp in the U.K and it’s part of maintaining the building, as much as anything.

Either you are partners and you both have equal access to the resources of your shared home- or you are some sort of live in servant who only has access to the resources of your employers home when he says so. Even servants quarters had heating- who on earth does he think he is, or are his finances so fragile putting the heating on is going to present a problem? Possibly it is also a power play- what ever it is put your foot down hard and if he pushes back, leave-only misery is possible with such a partner.

Any update Op? Hope you managed to sort it out even if you don’t want to share on the thread

Tell him that if he's unhappy paying all the bills himself you'll start going 50 - 50 with him on everything so it's fair & you both get a say in heating etc, however, it works both ways so he'll now be paying 50% towards rent to you at the going rate in your area. See if he likes that arrangement. I'm sure he'll change his mind about you having the heating on in future when he realises how much you're actually saving him. Unless he's paying more than you for the outgoings than what you're paying mortgage payments split all costs down the middle so you both pay the same each month.