Page 3 | DP angry I put heating on as he “pays the bills” AIBU?

Lily0o · 2025-10-06T16:09:02+00:00

Last week when the weather was colder I put the heating on. My partner got into an argument with me over this saying it costs a fortune and turned it off. Told me to use blankets. I got into an argument with him over this. He started on at me about money, as he’s paying the bills etc. He does “pay the bills” as our financial arrangement is that I own my own flat, so I pay the entire mortgage (as it is solely mine) and he doesn’t pay rent but he covers the gas and electric, council tax and half the food bills. I lived with him over the summer where this obviously wasn’t an issue but now it’s coming to winter he’s starting to aggravate me. I think he’s annoyed about paying all the bills. But I think our arrangement is fair? If he was renting a flat this size it would cost him £2500 a month (it’s 3 bedrooms in Brighton) and he’s paying a few hundred pounds every month. I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable, maybe I am? Just looking for opinions.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 06/10/2025 17:35

Lily0o · 06/10/2025 17:25

No I only put it on for an hour or so and it heats up the entire flat then i switch it off. I do the same thing again if it gets cold.

Is it an unusual arrangement? I don’t know what the norm is when someone owns a property. I’m absolutely not putting him of the mortgage as we haven’t been together long enough!

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You are being very sensible.

Tell him it's not up to him whether you put the heating on in your own home or not, and if he's worried about the cost he's free to move into a house share and pay both rent and bills.

Chasingsquirrels · 06/10/2025 17:36

Is it an unusual arrangement?

I think so.
50/50 on bills and food, plus a contribution towards housing costs, would be much more usual.

My DP moved in with me recently, I worked out what I think the annual utilities and council tax will be and he pays me half.
We go half on all food shops.
I haven't asked him for a contribution towards the housing element, mostly because I haven't got a mortgage and I don't need the extra, but also because he still has other external costs and I earn more.

Nearly50omg · 06/10/2025 17:37

SpryUmberZebra · 06/10/2025 17:34

You do realize that him paying just bills actually saves him money right? If they split the bills and he pays her rent he will end up spending more.

And if they break up and he has to go rent his own place it will cost him even more than paying her rent and splitting bills.

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He’d be paying £1,500 a month on rent alone if they split that! He’s clearly paying a lot less than that just paying basic bills and HE is costing the OP more as she debt get her single person council tax reduction now too!

Original poster

Lily0o · 06/10/2025 17:37

CurlyhairedAssassin · 06/10/2025 17:32

What are the reasons you moved in together and where do you see the relationship going longterm? I'm trying to see both sides.

So many times on MN a woman will start a thread saying they've moved into their partner's flat, the partner is paying all the mortgage beause they want to keep the property as just their own and doesn't want the woman to have any claim on it, and the woman is paying all the bills. The man claims that the woman has a good deal because she's living rent-free.

What do most of the responses usually say? "Ah he just wants someone in to pay the bills and sleep with. He's got it made." And "you've got no security - he could just chuck you out whenever he felt like it and you'd be homeless."

For me, it's how you both vew the relationship long-term which matters. If you are planning to settle down together for the rest of your life then you'd better be thinking about working towards joining your lives up properly, somehow where both parties are benefiting.

If this is a test to see how you actually get on living together and you both love each other and want to be together forever etc, then I'd want to be working towards getting engaged with a view to finding a joint property together. Maybe you could sell your flat, and put any proceeds towards a new place together, with somehting drawn up legally to protect your deposit in the event of divorce etc.

But to be honest, it just sounds like it's all an arrangement of convenience at the moment.

I haven’t “got it made” by him contributing a few hundred pounds a month. I can easily afford my flat and bills and haven’t “moved him in to save money” which is what you’re implying. That’s ridiculous. We haven’t been together long enough to get engaged and buy a place together.

OP posts:

CurlyhairedAssassin · 06/10/2025 17:40

Topseyt123 · 06/10/2025 17:29

It's your flat. You own it, he doesn't. Tell him to move his arse back out again.

Presumably you managed your mortgage and bills fine before he moved in if that was only this summer, so you can do so again. This time without this tightwad being so miserly and critical of you.

In my own home nobody, absolutely nobody, would tell me what to do and when/if I could have the heating on. Fuck that! They'd be shown the door if they tried.

I don't think your financial arrangement is a good one. Him paying all bills apart from the mortgage has clearly gone to his head and he is showing you a very nasty and controlling side of his character. This may be who he really is, so be mindful of that. These are almost certainly his true colours.

The best financial arrangement would be to live separately, even if that means splitting up.

Edited

But yours is an equally nasty viewpoint, referring to "In my own home, nobody, absolutely nobody, would tell me what to do....." That sort of wording suggests that you don't see the person living with you as an equal part of the living arrangements. He'd just be a glorified lodger. Imagine how that would make you feel the other way round....I know if I was the partner I'd feel like I didn't have a say over anything. No say over what happens with the house, no say over what happens with the bills, except to pay them all.

I know there are people would say "well, he knows what to do then - feck off and find his own place and pay all his own rent and bills"....but is there no actual relationship or love here? It's not just a financial convenience for both parties, surely? Each has to feel they have an opinion.

DoYouReally · 06/10/2025 17:40

I wouldn't put up with this.

You are saving him massive amounts of money monthly and he's whinging about heating bills.

Take it as the warning sign it is. When you are on maternity leave, he will be a miser.

timeandagainagain · 06/10/2025 17:43

Charge him rent. He is gaining far more financially from this arrangement than you are, so he has no business complaining about your putting on the heating when it is cold!

Deadringer · 06/10/2025 17:43

So he will pay the heating bill as long as you don't use the heating. Tell him to piss off.

Chinsupmeloves · 06/10/2025 17:44

Heating is a bone for contention for most of us i imagine 😳

I prefer to be cool so DH will put the CH well before I would and this does lead to arguments. Not just the cost but because I feel hot and stuffy! He wfh and me and DC are out during the day at work/school so yeah I guess I do feel a bot peeved we will always have higher bills than if he didn't wfh.

In your situation though he's being ridiculous and I would offer for him to swap expenses and pay the mortgage instead?

JadziaD · 06/10/2025 17:44

Poppingby · 06/10/2025 17:26

Your financial arrangements are not sustainable. Obviously you should be able to put the heating on whenever you want as long as you can afford it. On the surface he is being really unreasonable but what you are paying is an investment and you still get the flat, whereas what he is paying is spent and gone. Obviously it's your flat but it's not a very equal arrangement even if it's cheaper for him than you. Long term you benefit much more and he's probably well aware of that. I'm not sure what the answer is but it might be to charge him the market rent and invest what doesn't go on the mortgage so you can pay him back if you split up, or sell and buy together.

If it's a short term relationship and you foresee splitting up soon then none of this matters but if you're serious about him, his long term financial security is important too.

Yes, I see this BUT, she's paying a LOT more. OP says he's paying a few hundred in bills. So, considering that if he was renting and paying bills without living rent free, he' dbe paying a lot more, one assumes tha the could/should be using the savings he's gaining by living with OP to invest in his OWN asset?

The exact split might not be completely fair but a rule of thumb should dbe that BOTH parties benefit roughly equitably at the point at which they move in. Yes, that might not be quite the same amounts, but the same benefit. When DH and I moved in together - we found a new place together and gave up our respective previous rentals - my costs didn't go down significantly. His did go down a bit, but not much. But he earned a LOT less than I did, so financial saving was really important for him. For me, I went from a tiny 1 bed flat on the first floor to a lovely 2 bed house with a small garden, for slightly less than I'd been spending on the flat. Total win.

ThriveAT · 06/10/2025 17:46

Tagyoureit · 06/10/2025 17:13

God lord, I could not live with someone who moaned at me for turning on the heating when its cold.

Exactly this. Come on,
OP, you know it's not ok.

HerNeighbourTotoro · 06/10/2025 17:47

LifeBeginsToday · 06/10/2025 17:13

I'm with him on it being too early for heating but with you on the financial set up is going to cause resentment and he isn't far off getting a free ride. He probably resents that you're a homeowner and he isn't.

Imagine... the temperature in the whole of Uk is not the same, so hiope you can understand your flat may be nice and warm and someone else's isnt- has this crossed your mind at all?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 06/10/2025 17:47

Lily0o · 06/10/2025 17:37

I haven’t “got it made” by him contributing a few hundred pounds a month. I can easily afford my flat and bills and haven’t “moved him in to save money” which is what you’re implying. That’s ridiculous. We haven’t been together long enough to get engaged and buy a place together.

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In that case maybe you need to keep your relationship to separate living arrangements, till you know each other better.

Topseyt123 · 06/10/2025 17:47

CurlyhairedAssassin · 06/10/2025 17:40

But yours is an equally nasty viewpoint, referring to "In my own home, nobody, absolutely nobody, would tell me what to do....." That sort of wording suggests that you don't see the person living with you as an equal part of the living arrangements. He'd just be a glorified lodger. Imagine how that would make you feel the other way round....I know if I was the partner I'd feel like I didn't have a say over anything. No say over what happens with the house, no say over what happens with the bills, except to pay them all.

I know there are people would say "well, he knows what to do then - feck off and find his own place and pay all his own rent and bills"....but is there no actual relationship or love here? It's not just a financial convenience for both parties, surely? Each has to feel they have an opinion.

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Totally disagree. He shouldn't get to move into OP's flat and whinge if she wants to put the heating on for the occasional hour.

OP is in her own home and should not be subjected to this bollocks. It would be easier and simpler to just kick him out and pay all bills without him.

Fuzzypinetree · 06/10/2025 17:48

I don't get this whole "not turning the heating on when it's cold" idea. My ex used to make it a challenge to see how late we could leave it. He can challenge his new gf to do that now.
I've turned the heating on today. It's been raining for three days straight here and it's about 9 degrees outside, and it just feels cold and damp. It's meant to get warmer and back up to about 15 degrees next week, so I'll turn it back off then. I don't think anyone's heating just has to remain on until spring once you turn it on in the autumn.
I'm also wearing a warm hoodie and using blankets when we snuggle on the sofa.

If he doesn't like it, he could move out and get his own place.

MaurineWayBack · 06/10/2025 17:48

CurlyhairedAssassin · 06/10/2025 17:32

What are the reasons you moved in together and where do you see the relationship going longterm? I'm trying to see both sides.

So many times on MN a woman will start a thread saying they've moved into their partner's flat, the partner is paying all the mortgage beause they want to keep the property as just their own and doesn't want the woman to have any claim on it, and the woman is paying all the bills. The man claims that the woman has a good deal because she's living rent-free.

What do most of the responses usually say? "Ah he just wants someone in to pay the bills and sleep with. He's got it made." And "you've got no security - he could just chuck you out whenever he felt like it and you'd be homeless."

For me, it's how you both vew the relationship long-term which matters. If you are planning to settle down together for the rest of your life then you'd better be thinking about working towards joining your lives up properly, somehow where both parties are benefiting.

If this is a test to see how you actually get on living together and you both love each other and want to be together forever etc, then I'd want to be working towards getting engaged with a view to finding a joint property together. Maybe you could sell your flat, and put any proceeds towards a new place together, with somehting drawn up legally to protect your deposit in the event of divorce etc.

But to be honest, it just sounds like it's all an arrangement of convenience at the moment.

You see I disagree either way you, Regardiess of whether we’re talking about a man or a woman.
With women, one issue that often comes up is when the split is 50/50 despite a big income difference. Or when the cost of food/utilities is super high - usually because you have children involved.

But in the case the OP is describing, the answer is ‘you’re saving hundreds every moths from before moving in. That money should go on savings to buy either your own flat/house as an investment or to buy something together later on’.
The fact he moved on with the OP and hadn’t started on the property ladder isn’t her responsibility to sort out..

amylou8 · 06/10/2025 17:48

Unless there's a drip feed that you actually live in an igloo in the arctic I think you're being very unreasonable putting the heating on this early. Yes the temperature dropped a bit last week but it's hardly cold.
Heating is expensive, put some more clothes on or an electric blanket on if you're cold.

Frauhubert · 06/10/2025 17:49

Kick him to the kerb, Angela

MaurineWayBack · 06/10/2025 17:50

CurlyhairedAssassin · 06/10/2025 17:40

But yours is an equally nasty viewpoint, referring to "In my own home, nobody, absolutely nobody, would tell me what to do....." That sort of wording suggests that you don't see the person living with you as an equal part of the living arrangements. He'd just be a glorified lodger. Imagine how that would make you feel the other way round....I know if I was the partner I'd feel like I didn't have a say over anything. No say over what happens with the house, no say over what happens with the bills, except to pay them all.

I know there are people would say "well, he knows what to do then - feck off and find his own place and pay all his own rent and bills"....but is there no actual relationship or love here? It's not just a financial convenience for both parties, surely? Each has to feel they have an opinion.

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And yet, it’s still her home. The place she is living in, regardless of who the owner is.
And you’re saying that somehow the temperature should be dictated only by who pays for the heating? She doesn’t have a say even though she is living in the house too?
Thats not how partnership works either.

outerspacepotato · 06/10/2025 17:51

He's got a lot of nerve telling you not to put the heating on in your own place that you own and pay the mortgage. He pays a few hundred a month for a 3 bedroom place and he's trying to make you be cold so he can save a few £s. What an asshole.

He's super cheap and controlling. He'll make your life miserable if you stick around for more of this.

Kreepture · 06/10/2025 17:51

amylou8 · 06/10/2025 17:48

Unless there's a drip feed that you actually live in an igloo in the arctic I think you're being very unreasonable putting the heating on this early. Yes the temperature dropped a bit last week but it's hardly cold.
Heating is expensive, put some more clothes on or an electric blanket on if you're cold.

its been on in my house for the last month.. an hour every morning, and then as/when needed.
Oddly enough, i'm not s fan of being cold and we like to keep it to a nice 18C in the house.. i have arthritis and cold air makes the pain worse.

Just because you prefer to be cold and make do, doesn't mean it suits everyone else to do so.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 06/10/2025 17:52

Sit him down and spell it out. This was the deal. It's your home. You will not be told to scrimp on heating. If he doesn't like it then you'll need a rethink of the living arrangements as he isn't holding up his end of the bargain. Nip this in the bud op.

Tiredofwhataboutery · 06/10/2025 17:52

I think If probably give him the boot tbh. You could easily get a lodger in for £1k a month in Brighton and cover all your bills if so inclined. I suspect he will miss you when he’s paying rent somewhere else so watch out for him boomeranging back. Unless he had a truely magnificent cock in which case he will find free lodgings forthwith.

WildLeader · 06/10/2025 17:52

All the MN martyrs wanging on about it being too early for the heating…

bugger off! it’s too cold for HER. My house is a barn, it’s cold. damned sure we have the heating on. It’s set all year round so that when it’s below that temperature it comes on.

It’s @Lily0o house, if she’s cold, she’s cold. Who the fuck does he think he is telling her to be cold on her own house because he’s paying a fraction of the household expenses

@Lily0o im sorry love, he’s genuinely got to go. This is who he is early in the relationship, you’ve not got kids etc, imagine if you were on mat leave with this dickhead.

he needs to move back out

Kreepture · 06/10/2025 17:52

OP, work out how much it would cost to charge him the going rate on rent, and half the bills... then ask him which monthly bill he prefers.