DP angry I put heating on as he “pays the bills” AIBU?

[Lily0o]

Last week when the weather was colder I put the heating on. My partner got into an argument with me over this saying it costs a fortune and turned it off. Told me to use blankets. I got into an argument with him over this. He started on at me about money, as he’s paying the bills etc.

He does “pay the bills” as our financial arrangement is that I own my own flat, so I pay the entire mortgage (as it is solely mine) and he doesn’t pay rent but he covers the gas and electric, council tax and half the food bills. I lived with him over the summer where this obviously wasn’t an issue but now it’s coming to winter he’s starting to aggravate me. I think he’s annoyed about paying all the bills. But I think our arrangement is fair? If he was renting a flat this size it would cost him £2500 a month (it’s 3 bedrooms in Brighton) and he’s paying a few hundred pounds every month.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable, maybe I am? Just looking for opinions.

I think "i pay the bills" isn't accurate.
You pay his rent, he pays the other bills which is comparatively less ny the sounds of it.
I'd be saying "actually you DON'T pay ALL the bills , sonny jim. I pay for the roof which is like 2.5k worth of rent.
Yes its my house technically but YOU ARE benefitting from that.
Its 2 hours , not 6 days."

It would be safer if he had a Rent Book so that he has no claim on the property. He is showing his true colours though; you need an equal as a partner. I would be giving this arrangement serious thought.

Word of caution get advice as my closest friend got stung by an ex boyfriend making a claim on her house when they split do not charge rent without doing it formally via a rental agreement . Check you are signed up to make sure you are alerted to him putting a charge against your home … the stress of this caused my pal to have a stroke that has left her wheel chair bound and he still thinks he should have a share of her home that she bought after her divorce… cohabiting can lead to you losing your home if you cannot kick him out if your relationship goes sour … make sure you pay for all work carried out so it is clear he has no future claim

I've heard of a cohabitation agreement but what is a cohabitation order?

Setting aside the minutiae of who pays for what, your partner sounds like a mean git who does not care if you are uncomfortable and thinks he gets the casting vote in any dispute. Both are good reasons not to live with him, mix finances with him or risk ever becoming in any way reliant on him.

Gosh, please kick him out. He's an asshole - a cheap one as such.

I think your partner is mean. He is saving a lot. Don’t give him a rent book. He would never be a tennant. He is only a lodger. If he complains about paying fir the heating either turn of the WiFi or ask him to leave.

It's always seemed pretty obvious to me that both halves of the couple should benefit equally when they move in together.

It's a simple calculation, OP. Let's say for the sake of argument that you would pay 2k per month plus 400 in bills if you lived there alone. And he would pay 1k pretty month plus 400 per month if he rented alone. So, the difference is 1k per month.

That's a 1k saving you should split equally. So, he pays his 1400 per month minus 500 and you pay your 2400 per month minus 500. You both benefit equally and can put that 500 into savings for the future either as a couple or alone if you split up down the line. There will be some spare money in your budget too as a result, which you can jointly decide how to spend to improve your day to day lives.

However, l'll bet your cocklodger would freak out at that idea and throw another tantrum.

It sounds to me like the relationship I in very early stages and the current arrangement is for convenience soyou can see each other more and .maybe see what it's like living together so as you already have your own flat, it made sense to have him move in but I would have said it would be fairer to go 50/50 on the bills as you are both using the utilities. Your mortgage is a separate issue really as the flat will always be yours and he has no claim in it. He's not a lodger, he's your current partner and was living at his pare nts anyway. I think splitting bills between you is the fairest way forward until you take the relationship to a more permanent next stage

Her house, her rules. She should be able to put the heating on whenever she likes. My DH says everyone is entitled to hot water, heating and decent coffee. If you want to walk around dress as a blanket lady, more fool you. It's not the victorian era. If I were the op I would see this as a huge red flag and kick his tight arse out the door . I personally think you can put the heating on whenever you like.

This.

You're not being unreasonable but DH 'pays' all the bills in our house and I still told him off for putting the heating on the other day. I get very hot very quickly and he is wondering around in shorts. Put some bloody trousers on man!

I agree.

How has it been since? I would be taking it as a warning of what it would be like in your future, if you was to stay with him.

I would be thinking that I would be trying to have another chat with him and explain what you said about how much it would cost him to line alone, and if he has an issue with what he pays, maybe it’s best he finds his own place.

So charging him rent, how does that help anything or change anything?
What claim on the house the tenants usually have ?

No way is it unreasonable for him to pay them bills u pay the entire mortgage and half the food bill so hes saving a lot of money by living with u he'd be paying out far more then he is if he was renting or buying his own place i think try an sit down an resolve this write down all the figures an show him wjat he would be paying if he moved to his own place if he sees on paper what jes saving and how much more uohre paying out compared to him then he might see sence an apologise for his ridiculous behaviour if he doesn't an continues to be a t**t about it then I personally would ask him to find somewhere else to live its ridiculous that you cant have the heating on an you clearly managed before he moved in as u are buying the James so im sure you will manage if he moves out an if u do start to struggle try find a friend that needs somewhere an rent a room out to them hope you sort this problem

I'm also wondering what you're going to do about it. Don't waste your time replying to all the sugarmommy weirdos, honestly!

My sister is in similar situation where she owns and partner has moved in. She charges a lodger-type amount- ie less than splitting rent but why should he be housed for free- that puts a weird dynamic on things. And they split bills 50/50. If he really wants to start building assets he can save up and buy a rental property can't he- that's not your responsibility.

Finance disputes in pregnancy - help! www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/5423745-finance-disputes-in-pregnancy-help

This will be you in a year or two if you have a child with him!!

£400 a month in bills for a 3 bed house in Brighton? My tiny 2 bed house in the Midlands is £160 pm council tax, £200 pm gas and electricity, and £50 pm water. Then you have other bills....broadband, TV, etc. Which bills is he covering? Also, you say that to rent a 3-bed in Brighton would cost £2,500 but you have a mortgage which we all know costs significantly less pm than renting. I don't think a single man would choose to rent a 3 bed alone so really his comparative rent alone would be on a one bed or shared property? Say £600-1000pm. Why be with someone if you are both counting the pennies, it doesn't sound very loving.

Massive red flag. If he's resenting paying those few bills now, imagine what he will be like if you get married, have kids and buy a house together. It's the phrasing, he could have just said it's not cold enough, or just suggested blankets/jacket rather than made a point about who pays the bill.

There's been a few chilly days and at this time of year the heating only needs a short amount of time. If you're cold you're cold. My face and hands go freezing suddenly. Its so uncomfortable. I think I'd tell him you always do this and it doesn't make much difference at this time of year.

I wouldn't under any circumstance get him to pay a share of the mortgage as I wouldn't want him claiming on the property. That's one to wait for if you decide to buy together (although I could be talking nonsense as I don't know how those laws work these days).

For me its just a big red flag though. Can you check he is paying into the energy bills so that the amount in there is building up for the winter?

I really don’t understand this.

There is ongoing cost to buying a home. Much of the mortgage payment is interest. Everyone who rents a flat or is a lodger is contributing towards someone’s mortgage. Living in the property while maintenance costs build up.

Why should one person get a free roof over their head while the other bears all this expense?

The mortgage holder gets all the added wear and tear, while the partner gets a free roof over their head that would cost £££ if they lived elsewhere.

That's actually not true at all. I used to live in Brighton in a very nice professional shared house and I paid £500 a month all in. I also just did a property search and pleant of one bed properties pop up starting at £545pm. Yes, probably the sketchy part but still not far off what he's paying now. You shouldn't inflate figures to get people to sympathise with you. It does sound like you don't like him otherwise you wouldn't make things up to make him look worse.

So you think he should be paying half of the max £500 bills ... £250. Despite benefitting from the fact op is spending nearly £2k on the mortgage and he earns £3k. How is that much fairer? £250 is what people would expect from a child who got their first job not their partner. £500 is already far cheaper than paying for a room in a house share.

Slight tangent here, but:
I don't understand those comments about it being too soon to put the heating on. Heating is for when it is cold. I never switch my heating on or off: I set the thermostat to the minimum daytime temperature I like my home to be at, and when it's colder than that, the boiler fires up, without regard to an arbitrary date on the calendar. I want to be adequately warm in my own home, whether it is January or July.