Page 25 | DP angry I put heating on as he “pays the bills” AIBU?

Lily0o · 2025-10-06T16:09:02+00:00

Last week when the weather was colder I put the heating on. My partner got into an argument with me over this saying it costs a fortune and turned it off. Told me to use blankets. I got into an argument with him over this. He started on at me about money, as he’s paying the bills etc. He does “pay the bills” as our financial arrangement is that I own my own flat, so I pay the entire mortgage (as it is solely mine) and he doesn’t pay rent but he covers the gas and electric, council tax and half the food bills. I lived with him over the summer where this obviously wasn’t an issue but now it’s coming to winter he’s starting to aggravate me. I think he’s annoyed about paying all the bills. But I think our arrangement is fair? If he was renting a flat this size it would cost him £2500 a month (it’s 3 bedrooms in Brighton) and he’s paying a few hundred pounds every month. I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable, maybe I am? Just looking for opinions.

Pessismistic · 08/10/2025 21:57

Hi op I would ignore what your dp has said. It’s not his home it’s yours just because he’s paying the few bills does not give him the right to dictate to you. If he says anything like this again I would reply with you might be paying the bills but I pay for you to have a roof over your head. Don’t take any crap from him.

askmenow · 09/10/2025 10:48

I wouldn’t even argue with him as there’s no argument to be had.

Simply print out from a lettings page the market rents of comparable properties and lay it on the table in front of him at dinner.
No discussion, don’t let this get out of hand and resentment grow. Cards on the table.

If you hear just one more word/moan about his contribution to your living costs tell him he’ll be paying market rent for a room and half of ALL BILLS In the property….inc council tax.

That should stop the cocklodger in his tracks!
Tosser doesn’t know he’s born, moving from his parents home to another subsidised living home.
what does he bring to the table?

Is he saving so that if you do eventually make the relationship permanent, he has a comparable deposit to put into a joint property or into yours thus reducing the mortgage?

WatchingTheDetective · 09/10/2025 13:10

frecklejuice · 08/10/2025 14:10

I never understand people that say it’s too early to put the heating on, surely the acceptable time to put it on is when you’re cold regardless of the time of year?! If you’re cold and you can afford it then put it on whether it’s July or January.

You're assuming everyone can afford to have the heating on whenever they like.

frecklejuice · 09/10/2025 13:18

WatchingTheDetective · 09/10/2025 13:10

You're assuming everyone can afford to have the heating on whenever they like.

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I did say if you’re cold and can afford it..

Twinkletoes127 · 09/10/2025 13:22

LifeBeginsToday · 06/10/2025 17:13

I'm with him on it being too early for heating but with you on the financial set up is going to cause resentment and he isn't far off getting a free ride. He probably resents that you're a homeowner and he isn't.

Its never "too early" to put heat on. If the ambient temperature drops below 20° in our flat, the heating comes on, regardless of the date.
Its utterly bizarre a flat owning, working adult should have to be cold because of a date, or because of money(unless there's genuine hardship"

Alwaysalert · 09/10/2025 13:56

Unless the law has changed, then yes you do have to inform yout Mortage company if you add your partner or anyone else to the the mortgage, and maybe, just maybe (I can't remember all the rules from when I was in a similar position, it was about 30 years ago) some may ask you to inform them if your partner or a lodger moved in and could have a claim on the property whether they were put on the Mortgage or not. This is for clarification of any Beneficial Interest they may have or think they have so will also protect you as well as the Mortgage Company. I drew up a Declaration of Trust I think it was called, with a Solicitor and this protected me from any potential claim on my property Read the terms and conditions of your mortgage as usually the company wants to protect itself should the worst happen and you are unable to keep up with the Mortgage and there are other people on the Mortgage with Beneficial Interest it has to take into account. Please ensure you do this as a lot of people thinking that the Mortgage is in their name so nobody can make a claim are being naive, expecially as he is contributing to the household by paying utility bills, the Council Tax and buying food, so cover your back and if you are in the relationship for the long haul, then you should consider placing him on the Mortgage but still drawing up a Deed or Declaration of Trust, clearly setting out what percentage each person on the Mortgage would receive if the relationship breaks down. Good luck.

Soberinthecity · 09/10/2025 14:00

I think there are 2 things. It hasn't been that cold yet, (not down South) so I understand his point of view. But also, why are you not charging him rent and splitting bills 50/50? I think you're not really on to a winner here because you have not set out fairly to begin with.

WildLeader · 09/10/2025 14:05

WatchingTheDetective · 09/10/2025 13:10

You're assuming everyone can afford to have the heating on whenever they like.

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And @Lily0o can.

aodirjjd · 09/10/2025 14:17

I think the “it’s too early to put the heating on” thinking is just a hangover from a time when we didn’t have thermostats and heating was just on a timer.

Shelley999 · 09/10/2025 15:13

If your paying all of the mortgage, fair enough. Tot up what he's paying bill wise each month. If he's paying more, which it doesn't sound like then maybe have a discussion on the fairness of things.
If you don't come to any agreement, investigate charging him a reasonable rent, based on the price of house share rentals and halve the bills. If he doesn't agree, then show him the door

jazzybelle · 09/10/2025 15:53

Whatever he's paying - your place - your rules. Get him to pay the standard amount in rent. See how he likes that.

Doubledenim305 · 09/10/2025 16:19

Just finish it with him. He's showing you his red flags. This is no man to have a family with, if that is what you ultimately want.

REignbow · 09/10/2025 18:45

For those saying ‘it hasn’t been that cold down south’, well it has.

i live near to the OP and a few weeks ago the temperature in the morning was 7c.

Twoclo · 10/10/2025 00:01

OP some of the responses here are astonishing. I'm in a similar position to you, except DP is renting out his house to the tune of >2x his mortgage. He told me it's not right for him to contribute any more than half the bills/groceries because it would entitle him to a share of my property. We have argued about what's fair but he won't budge. I'm very resentful. I pay £2.6k/month. He contributes £550. Thus his rental income covers both his mortgage and his bills and some (ok it's subject to tax but still). As a PP suggested we did once look into a cohabitation agreement but it would have cost us thousands in solicitors fees (you each need your own). I begin to think having a lodger's contract/agreement in place is a good idea. And that it could be agreed to be at less than market rate if you see fit. This way if it all goes Pete Tong, you can give them notice with no comeback.

YANBU. He's being mean and petty and has no idea how good he has it. I simply don't understand why anyone thinks a partner should live with you rent-free. They don't get to do that with anyone else.

HomeTheatreSystem · 10/10/2025 05:37

Twoclo · 10/10/2025 00:01

OP some of the responses here are astonishing. I'm in a similar position to you, except DP is renting out his house to the tune of >2x his mortgage. He told me it's not right for him to contribute any more than half the bills/groceries because it would entitle him to a share of my property. We have argued about what's fair but he won't budge. I'm very resentful. I pay £2.6k/month. He contributes £550. Thus his rental income covers both his mortgage and his bills and some (ok it's subject to tax but still). As a PP suggested we did once look into a cohabitation agreement but it would have cost us thousands in solicitors fees (you each need your own). I begin to think having a lodger's contract/agreement in place is a good idea. And that it could be agreed to be at less than market rate if you see fit. This way if it all goes Pete Tong, you can give them notice with no comeback.

YANBU. He's being mean and petty and has no idea how good he has it. I simply don't understand why anyone thinks a partner should live with you rent-free. They don't get to do that with anyone else.

Trying to classify him as a lodger when they are in a relationship and presumably share a bed wouldn't work (legally) either. Cohab agreement is the only way to go. Charging him rent exposes her to future claims by him on the property but there is wear and tear to consider and he can be charged an amount that covers that in addition to sharing the bills. I think I'd rather get a proper lodger in than have a manbaby fresh off the tit act the big I am with me in my own house for which he pays next to nothing. Much less hassle and more money, tax free.

99bottlesofkombucha · 10/10/2025 06:25

Twoclo · 10/10/2025 00:01

OP some of the responses here are astonishing. I'm in a similar position to you, except DP is renting out his house to the tune of >2x his mortgage. He told me it's not right for him to contribute any more than half the bills/groceries because it would entitle him to a share of my property. We have argued about what's fair but he won't budge. I'm very resentful. I pay £2.6k/month. He contributes £550. Thus his rental income covers both his mortgage and his bills and some (ok it's subject to tax but still). As a PP suggested we did once look into a cohabitation agreement but it would have cost us thousands in solicitors fees (you each need your own). I begin to think having a lodger's contract/agreement in place is a good idea. And that it could be agreed to be at less than market rate if you see fit. This way if it all goes Pete Tong, you can give them notice with no comeback.

YANBU. He's being mean and petty and has no idea how good he has it. I simply don't understand why anyone thinks a partner should live with you rent-free. They don't get to do that with anyone else.

At this point I think I’d just move them back out, but generously offer to move in with them rent free.

Twoclo · 10/10/2025 07:56

HomeTheatreSystem · 10/10/2025 05:37

Trying to classify him as a lodger when they are in a relationship and presumably share a bed wouldn't work (legally) either. Cohab agreement is the only way to go. Charging him rent exposes her to future claims by him on the property but there is wear and tear to consider and he can be charged an amount that covers that in addition to sharing the bills. I think I'd rather get a proper lodger in than have a manbaby fresh off the tit act the big I am with me in my own house for which he pays next to nothing. Much less hassle and more money, tax free.

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Is it really a legal point of contention? I had no idea. The cohabitation agreement is good in theory (and maybe in practice if things go wrong!) but the cost is outrageous. We were quoted upward of £2k each.

HomeTheatreSystem · 10/10/2025 08:31

Twoclo · 10/10/2025 07:56

Is it really a legal point of contention? I had no idea. The cohabitation agreement is good in theory (and maybe in practice if things go wrong!) but the cost is outrageous. We were quoted upward of £2k each.

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It is and what would concern me is that someone netting £3k a month with negligeable bills would have enough spare cash to drag me through the courts to get a share of my house if he could prove he had a beneficial interest in the property ie contributed to the mortgage, paid for home improvements etc . I'd be faced with paying him off just to cut my losses or see it through in court and be out of pocket anyway, even if I won. £2k to protect my property via a cohab agreement seems a lot I agree but by comparison with possible losses, it might be money well spent though I'm still of the opinion that in this case she should tell him to move out.

Juniperberry55 · 10/10/2025 09:22

Twoclo · 10/10/2025 00:01

OP some of the responses here are astonishing. I'm in a similar position to you, except DP is renting out his house to the tune of >2x his mortgage. He told me it's not right for him to contribute any more than half the bills/groceries because it would entitle him to a share of my property. We have argued about what's fair but he won't budge. I'm very resentful. I pay £2.6k/month. He contributes £550. Thus his rental income covers both his mortgage and his bills and some (ok it's subject to tax but still). As a PP suggested we did once look into a cohabitation agreement but it would have cost us thousands in solicitors fees (you each need your own). I begin to think having a lodger's contract/agreement in place is a good idea. And that it could be agreed to be at less than market rate if you see fit. This way if it all goes Pete Tong, you can give them notice with no comeback.

YANBU. He's being mean and petty and has no idea how good he has it. I simply don't understand why anyone thinks a partner should live with you rent-free. They don't get to do that with anyone else.

Surely spending £2k to protect your property and get your DP to contribute fairly would be worth it. At the moment he's actually earning money from living with you, it's worse than the ops situation.
If he says no to the cohabitation agreement could you reverse the situation and ask to move in with him, paying him half his bills and no rent, while you rent out your house and keep the profit?

NImumconfused · 10/10/2025 09:39

Twoclo · 10/10/2025 00:01

OP some of the responses here are astonishing. I'm in a similar position to you, except DP is renting out his house to the tune of >2x his mortgage. He told me it's not right for him to contribute any more than half the bills/groceries because it would entitle him to a share of my property. We have argued about what's fair but he won't budge. I'm very resentful. I pay £2.6k/month. He contributes £550. Thus his rental income covers both his mortgage and his bills and some (ok it's subject to tax but still). As a PP suggested we did once look into a cohabitation agreement but it would have cost us thousands in solicitors fees (you each need your own). I begin to think having a lodger's contract/agreement in place is a good idea. And that it could be agreed to be at less than market rate if you see fit. This way if it all goes Pete Tong, you can give them notice with no comeback.

YANBU. He's being mean and petty and has no idea how good he has it. I simply don't understand why anyone thinks a partner should live with you rent-free. They don't get to do that with anyone else.

How can you bear to live with a man that selfish and mercenary? He's basically blackmailing you to fund his life by telling you that if you split up he would drag you through the courts to claim money that he knows he has no moral claim to.

Raineylainey · 10/10/2025 10:06

NImumconfused · 10/10/2025 09:39

How can you bear to live with a man that selfish and mercenary? He's basically blackmailing you to fund his life by telling you that if you split up he would drag you through the courts to claim money that he knows he has no moral claim to.

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How can you bear to live with a man that selfish and mercenary

Exactly what i was going to say. Why are you tolerating this? @Twoclo

Beenthroughit · 10/10/2025 10:09

I'm tight, and even I've had my heating on in occasion already when it's been cold
He is being totally unreasonable
Do you want to live the rest of your life with such a tight fit?
You need to get some legal advice on the best way to protect your interests. He isn't long term relationship material and you don't want him ripping you off more than he already is

Twoclo · 10/10/2025 10:51

Raineylainey · 10/10/2025 10:06

How can you bear to live with a man that selfish and mercenary

Exactly what i was going to say. Why are you tolerating this? @Twoclo

Edited

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@Juniperberry55 @NImumconfused
For reasons I can't elaborate on it's not practical for me to reverse the situation and move in to his (but I absolutely take your point). He would not agree to spending the money on the cohabitation agreement once we discovered the costs. When I've brought up before that it's not fair and he's getting a lot more financially out of it than I do and I said the exact same and got very upset at the idea that if it went wrong he'd be looking to "take his cut" he in turn said he'd never do this. So why say it in the first place eh? He also said that it's not that clear cut and he's worse off because he'll be subject to capital gains tax if he sells his house now as it's been rented out (I dispute how much "worse off" this really makes him).

Anyways all this to say there really ought to be better and more standard ways to cohabit on a fair financial footing without leaving either party vulnerable without having to spend £4k+ on legal fees. After all, isn't it really very common now?

Juniperberry55 · 10/10/2025 11:07

Twoclo · 10/10/2025 10:51

@Juniperberry55 @NImumconfused
For reasons I can't elaborate on it's not practical for me to reverse the situation and move in to his (but I absolutely take your point). He would not agree to spending the money on the cohabitation agreement once we discovered the costs. When I've brought up before that it's not fair and he's getting a lot more financially out of it than I do and I said the exact same and got very upset at the idea that if it went wrong he'd be looking to "take his cut" he in turn said he'd never do this. So why say it in the first place eh? He also said that it's not that clear cut and he's worse off because he'll be subject to capital gains tax if he sells his house now as it's been rented out (I dispute how much "worse off" this really makes him).

Anyways all this to say there really ought to be better and more standard ways to cohabit on a fair financial footing without leaving either party vulnerable without having to spend £4k+ on legal fees. After all, isn't it really very common now?

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I'd be telling him he can either fork out £2k for the cohabitation agreement and start contributing fairly or he can get out of your house. He'll moan because he would have to give his tenants notice before being able to move back home, he'll have to rent a air BnB until they left. He can pay for that from all the savings he'll have from being allowed to live with you. Make it his problem not yours. Sounds like an absolute arsehole

Yelleryeller · 10/10/2025 11:07

Twoclo · 10/10/2025 10:51

@Juniperberry55 @NImumconfused
For reasons I can't elaborate on it's not practical for me to reverse the situation and move in to his (but I absolutely take your point). He would not agree to spending the money on the cohabitation agreement once we discovered the costs. When I've brought up before that it's not fair and he's getting a lot more financially out of it than I do and I said the exact same and got very upset at the idea that if it went wrong he'd be looking to "take his cut" he in turn said he'd never do this. So why say it in the first place eh? He also said that it's not that clear cut and he's worse off because he'll be subject to capital gains tax if he sells his house now as it's been rented out (I dispute how much "worse off" this really makes him).

Anyways all this to say there really ought to be better and more standard ways to cohabit on a fair financial footing without leaving either party vulnerable without having to spend £4k+ on legal fees. After all, isn't it really very common now?

Show quote history

Rather than moving back into his, why not rent your own place out and you two rent somewhere together or buy a joint place? I can't understand stories like yours or OPs tbh. I have my mortgage so I have an asset for my future, I'd rather pay whatever I already signed up and budgeted for and either have my partner live with me because that's what I wants or live alone and either way pay my mortgage and living costs as expected. Making arrangements with partners moving in and expecting to do better or worse out of it makes no sense to me and seems to cause more cons than pros to living together and you're both making messy CGT situation for yourselves charging rent. It sounds like it created situations where I can't imagine why you want to live with that person 24/7 anyway.