DP angry I put heating on as he “pays the bills” AIBU?

[Lily0o]

Last week when the weather was colder I put the heating on. My partner got into an argument with me over this saying it costs a fortune and turned it off. Told me to use blankets. I got into an argument with him over this. He started on at me about money, as he’s paying the bills etc.

He does “pay the bills” as our financial arrangement is that I own my own flat, so I pay the entire mortgage (as it is solely mine) and he doesn’t pay rent but he covers the gas and electric, council tax and half the food bills. I lived with him over the summer where this obviously wasn’t an issue but now it’s coming to winter he’s starting to aggravate me. I think he’s annoyed about paying all the bills. But I think our arrangement is fair? If he was renting a flat this size it would cost him £2500 a month (it’s 3 bedrooms in Brighton) and he’s paying a few hundred pounds every month.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable, maybe I am? Just looking for opinions.

Work out the repayment part of the mortgage, remove that from the equation and divide the interest bit. That’s the rent each (although you’ve put in a deposit and paid the expenses to buy it). Or find out a lodger rate for nearby and charge him that. Don’t let him have any control over how you choose to live in your house so have an amount rather than letting him have a say over heating bills. Say you will save the money and so it will ultimately benefit you as a couple if you stay together. If you don’t or he goes back to his parents then neither of you have lost out. And you’ve got your answer as to whether he’s a good bet!

No you are not being unreasonable but HE is . Honestly I would rather go without luxuries & eat beans on toast because living in a cold damp house is an utterly miserable existence ( not to mention dangerous if u are elderly or young ) . He sounds like a bit of a freeloader , you could point out to him exactly how much it would cost if he were to have his own flat & there’s the door , feel free to use it & don’t come back x

Have you got a link, when I did a search for properties in Brighton excluding house share, retirement homes and student accommodation the rest was far higher than £545 even when sorted to show the lowest

OP - I think his problem is that this is all new to him. He’s been living with his parents, probably has no idea how to manage the finances of a home, doesn’t understand what things cost.

When you came to your arrangement, did you sit down and go through the actual numbers? Eg the mortgage costs x, fuel y, water z etc. does he know what the fuel bill for 12 months is? Or is he worried it will go up massively if you put the heating on? With all the press about fuel costs, if he’s never had to pay it before, he may be worried about getting a bill for £1000 next month!

If not, you might want to start with that conversation. Also is your fuel on direct debit, so you pay the same every month? Again, that might help if he’s getting used to paying bills for the first time. It can be daunting if you’ve never had to manage bills before.

To be fair I think the OP was looking at the price of the entire 3 bed flat for which £2500 is right

that said a house share would be much cheaper so it is difficult to compare

A house share still wouldn't be cheaper than his £500 max bills and he'd have several flatmates who he might not even like

He sounds tight fisted, it's not an attractive quality and not something I would look for in a life partner. You were cold and put the heating on, big deal. He's getting a great deal as it is.

Have you got advice about how to protect your house? I had a friend who moved a man in, he was there for a few years, paid her a monthly sum but the house was solely in her name, bought before he arrived on the scene. He managed to get his hands on money out of the house when they split. I'm not sure of the ins and outs but please protect yourself.

I'd move him out tbh.

3 bedroom house share in Brighton (depending on how central) would be in excess of £800pcm plus bills for a double room.

@Lily0o- some of the comments on this thread are insane. Of course he should be paying something. When (now) DH moved in with me, I charged him a lodgers rate of £500 per month, he used one of the bedrooms as his study and I could have easily rented it out for the same amount if not more (south east). This was almost 20 years ago and DH was more than happy as he wouldn’t have dreamed of not contributing. However, DH had owned his own house in the north west and understood housing costs. Maybe your bf is a little naive about things and previously lived at home? Just charge him a lodgers rate, move all bills into your name and put on the heating whenever you want.

Considering he's living rent free in your home I don't think he's got any right to tell you not to put the heating on. If he thinks the arrangement is unfair perhaps he should find his own accommodation.

Everyone reacts to temperatures differently. There is no 'too early' if you're talking about someone else's situation. I don't run the heating according to the time of the year. If I'm cold in the middle of June, it goes on. OP has every right to be annoyed.

If he gets to live in the flat you pay for then you get to use the heating he pays for. Tell him you'll pay the bills and charge him rent and see how he feels.

Tell him you'll use what heating you need. If he doesn't want to pay the bills and get free rent. Then he's welcome to leave and rent his own place and you'll manage the bills yourself. But you are not going to go cold in your own home. Point out what he's saving by living with you. The other option is to tell him you'll pay 50/50 on all bills if he pays rent to you for living there. Simple as. Then suggest a rent up to highest end of the market.

DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE WITH A CHEAP MAN THAT MOANS ABOUT HEATING? I mean...... how low is that? take the hint & ruuuuuun. if you marry him , it will be nails, facials, hair, etc, You do not need him. plenty of dicks around way weathier than him.

Turn up the thermostat and say you'll deduct the cost from his rent...

You’re going to kick yourself one day when you’ve got rid of him and you wake up to the fact that he was a user. We have all done it. He’s on an easy ride here not paying g rent and only bills. He’s still have bills to pay if he were living alone! Dont put up with this and wake up! Slowly get rid of him. I see this too many times today where men move in with girls because they’re getting a free ride. This never used to happen. Ladies are nest builders and save to get their own place then you get spongers like your man who hops on the bandwagon and then easy street! Dont be fooled!

Yes a free loader and no mistake! Maybe you could outmaneuver him and freeload off of him for a bit before you finally get rid op?

Ha! Sorry but this sounds very familiar! My wife pays the bills as she is the main wage earner. I work from home and am also basically a "house-husband" and stay at home dad (less important now son is at secondary school), an arrangement that suits me just fine. I do 90% of the housework, DIY, dog walking, make food for son and I (wife makes her own as she is a veggie and currently on a weird diet. I chip in when I can (I run a small business from my home office) but there's no real set-in-stone agreement. I tend to fuel the car, buy ⅓ of the shopping including any meat son and I want, that sort of thing.

Anyway, we live in Aberdeen in a late '60s end terrace and after a few hours sitting at my computer without moving much, i tend to start seizing up a bit (I'm also 52 and have rheumatoid arthritis in various joints). I start with a 2nd jumper, then I have a heated blanket thing which is great but a bit of a pain to sit under as it slides around, gets in the way if the keyboard etc.

Eventually, if it's properly cold and there's no physical, heavy housework left to do and the dog cant be arsed with yet another brisk walk, I sometimes resort to putting the heating on but I know it'll cause a massive rammy when my wife gets home!!

She really doesn't seem to feel the cold! Son and I can be sitting there with drips on the ends of our noses, freezing, and wife recommends another layer. I feel I can't complain as she does, indeed pay the bills but she's out all day in an overheated, cosy office! I can't really promise to pay a certain amount towards bills each month because my income is never assured.
Anyway, sorry for rambling and the attempted thread hijack and the self-pity-party. Just wanted it off my chest. As you were. Carry on.

Hi @Lily0o, I just wanted to say that you sound like a very strong, capable and clear-minded young woman with healthy boundaries and a real sense of momentum. From what I’ve read, I think you have all the skills and confidence needed to sort this out. I’m much older and it’s just really nice to see.

Personally, I’ve been the one earning more but also less and what I would say is that I think it’s quite easy for the lesser earner to become a bit passive and reliant. Not through any malicious or abusive intent. Just because of the imbalanced dynamic. So it’s definitely something worth being quite aware of and discussing openly.

Not really the same though, is it? The OP is the one who pays for the lion's share of their living costs, but because her partner pays for the heating bill he thinks he has the right to tell her when she can have the heating on in her own home, despite the fact that she is massively subsidising him.

You shouldn't be cold in your own home, but if your wife is the main wage earner and she is stressed about bills, perhaps you could work a little more and bring in some extra money, since your son is now at secondary school?

Exactly, plus the OP and partner are not married nor do they have a family together.

Clearly I'm in a minority but I think your whole set-up is almost designed to cause resentment.

You feel you've got a cocklodger.

He feels like he's covering all the bills in a home he has no stake in.

I don't see this relationship lasting.

I never understand people that say it’s too early to put the heating on, surely the acceptable time to put it on is when you’re cold regardless of the time of year?! If you’re cold and you can afford it then put it on whether it’s July or January.

I never understand people that say it’s too early to put the heating on, surely the acceptable time to put it on is when you’re cold regardless of the time of year?! If you’re cold and you can afford it then put it on whether it’s July or January
Absolutely, same as someone on here saying the heating g should be on because its October!.
Ive not had the hearing on yet because its been mild. I spent yesterday in a t shirt and swear pants at home. I didnt even need a jumper.

Earlyin the year it was cold in one of the spring or summermonths and i wanted the heating on. Dh is ( joking) saying 'dont be daft is June!' We put it in because we we t by the temperature, not the calendar.

Hi, the financial arrangement is perfectly acceptable if that’s what you agreed.

The issue is your boyfriend being unable to have a discussion with you without becoming angry, and overriding you in your shared space (regardless of ownership) these are red flags. At best he is emotionally immature and needs to grow up, at worst he is out to wear you down and ultimately control you. Be aware.

Cohabitation agreement - house is yours only. Half of bills and look at what a lodger would pay for rent he pays that. If he doesn't think he should pay why not, you're subsidising his roof over his head otherwise which isn't fair on you