Should I pay halves for the hotel?

[IFeelLikeChickenTonite]

I don’t think I should! It’s my DP’s (41) half marathon in Manchester this Sunday. He asked me to be there to support him, my DS11 will also attend and cheer him on. As it’s an early start and we live in Sheffield (about an hour away) DP has booked a family room in a Manchester hotel, only a Premier Inn but he said it was over £200 just for one night.
We had an argument last night because he’s suddenly asked me to pay half for the hotel. I said I didn’t think I should as it’s not a ‘jolly’ for me and DS as we still have to get up early and we have to hang around waiting for him to finish hs race. I don’t see why I should pay for the hotel if it’s his race and he wants us there to support him.
So as not to drip feed: we have been together 10 years, don’t live together (my choice). I recently came into a big inheritance (250k) but have paid for an expensive 6k villa holiday with kids and DP next summer - all paid for by me. I have paid off our car loan of 4k. I have bought him meals out. However I am on a low income (self employed) with rubbish private pension, I am 51 so aware I shouldn’t be eating too much into the capital and saving for my retirement.
When I had to sort out my late mum’s estate in Devon he drove me down but I paid for everything- including hotels in Exeter, Plymouth and Paignton, and petrol as I knew it wasn’t a ‘jolly’ for him.
I’m fuming that he expects money for me to attend his marathon and think my inheritance has influenced this sudden bout of ‘tightness’. AIBU?

Masterful, OP!

Well done.

I think you will resent him and his tight arse ways on this holiday. I wouldn't take him.

Ouch. Harsh I think.

Do you think he has changed since you have received your inheritance?

I think your message is honest and needed to be said. He is seeing your inheritance as a way to save money.

It’s a bloody cheek tbh. You get to pay for the privilege of supporting him at the crack of dawn. No.

I wouldn't pay either.

He's happy for you to pay £6k for a villa, car loans, trips to Devon but then asked for £100 towards a hotel for the pleasure of watching him run.

I think your message was 100% correct, well done for sending it and sticking to your guns!

He thinks now you've come into a bit of money he should get an easy life!

I think it's reasonable to choose not to go if its something you don't want to do and won't get any enjoyment out of. However moving forward, you cannot expect him to subsidise you when you're sitting on £250,000.

Tbh, I've never been involved in running events, watching or participating, so maybe I'm not getting that aspect of it. But in general, if you, he and your son plan a trip away together, you should obviously expect to pay your and your son's costs.

Well done.
EXACTLY how much have you spent on him?
He couldn't spend £100?

Be very careful OP.
You have a child to provide for and you are wasting money!

You've done the right thing, OP.

When my sister supported my Moonwalk by driving me to London, I paid for her fuel, her hotel room (I was walking overnight, so didn't need one), her food, and a bottle of champagne so she could have a good night in.

Like you supporting your DP, it's not something she would have chosen to do off her own bat, and so why should she be out of pocket? I suppose your partner thought it would be a great time out for you and your son, stuck for hours looking out for him to cheer him on.....

Glad you've put him right.

He for sure is thinking about your inheritance, he needs to stop.

Crikey OP, I was going to reply and say that I don't think you should go, as he will know without a doubt that you don't really want to be there, and you'll resent him for asking for the £100 whether or not you ended up paying for it, which you've covered in your message to him. I wouldn't expect you to end that message to a partner of 10 years saying that it's made you question your entire relationship though! Has he got form for being tight?

Has he paid for anything like holidays in the last 10 years?

Yes, I think this too. I sometimes go to see my DP's artworks and events, and I love the excuse to go to a new town or area that I probably wouldn't think to visit otherwise.
Sometimes he gets a hotel room as part of the deal, but if not we'll split the cost of the Airbnb or wherever we're staying.
I often have to amuse myself while he sets up/does last-minute fixes/takes down the show etc. That's fine; I'll research the place in advance and find things I'd like to do. Then we meet up when he's done and do something together.

As the daughter of a marathon runner I can tell you that there are few things more boring than hanging around a city all day waiting for your dad to finish a race.

I feel like he should contribute more to bills as he stays at mine 5 to 6 nights a week (he washes up or cooks, I do most of his laundry). He pays for some food and does help a lot with DIY and when things go wrong round the house as they often do. It does seem like he’s got tighter with his money since my inheritance though. I won’t let him get away with it! He’s now agreed to pay for the trip to Manchester including food (though I’m sure I’ll chip in for drinks and stuff) as he wants my support.

Yes we usually go halves even when we go away with the kids. The villa holiday is definitely a one off treat from me!

Yes, this. You need to stop spending your capital and put this money away for your future pension. Or buy a house if you don’t have one already.

Does he have DC? So he pays towards your DC even though he doesn't live with you?

Part of me thinks you shouldn't have told him about your inheritance, but on reflection, his greediness has showed you who he really is.

He is a cocklodger.

Yes, the full amount needs to be invested soon, if OP is also in her 40s.

Keep a few thousand (say £5k) for fun money, make sure you’ve got at least 6 months and ideally 12 months outgoings in accessible savings and put all the rest into a pension fund. Your retired self will thank you.

If you ask me to come and support you, you should pay. Just like I paid for our trips to Devon while you were supporting me. Hanging about a half marathon isn’t exactly a fun experience for me, but I would have been happy to come and support you if you were willing to pay the expenses.

I get where you are coming from but I think this is quite harsh and, putting the money issue to one side, if I were your DP I would probably be quite hurt by the begrudging tone. It sounds like you are an unwilling employee being dragged to a boring offsite meeting!

I would have worded it more like, "I'm always really happy to support you, but at the end of the day I wouldn't be making the trip unless it was for your event, so I assumed that you'd be taking care of the expenses - like I've done in similar circumstances."

ETA - you should absolutely be investing the bulk of this money in your pension though. If he has poor financial awareness himself I can kind of see from his POV it might seem like you are being ungenerous. Whereas the reality is that this money represents your financial security. Investing it now is both the right thing to do and also puts an end to his mistaken attitude.

I would just say 'Sorry, I've spent a large amount on next years' holiday, and invested the rest in my pension due to my low income, so unfortunately I cannot contribute on this occasion'. He booked it though so I think he should pay!

How does he pay towards her DC? He stays at hers 5/6 nights a week and doesn’t contribute to bills…

Also everyone claiming he ‘subsidises’ her - how so? She clearly has her own place, pays her own bills etc?

Just don’t go.

Dont go

Dont go. He's an idiot.