Should I pay halves for the hotel?

[IFeelLikeChickenTonite]

I don’t think I should! It’s my DP’s (41) half marathon in Manchester this Sunday. He asked me to be there to support him, my DS11 will also attend and cheer him on. As it’s an early start and we live in Sheffield (about an hour away) DP has booked a family room in a Manchester hotel, only a Premier Inn but he said it was over £200 just for one night.
We had an argument last night because he’s suddenly asked me to pay half for the hotel. I said I didn’t think I should as it’s not a ‘jolly’ for me and DS as we still have to get up early and we have to hang around waiting for him to finish hs race. I don’t see why I should pay for the hotel if it’s his race and he wants us there to support him.
So as not to drip feed: we have been together 10 years, don’t live together (my choice). I recently came into a big inheritance (250k) but have paid for an expensive 6k villa holiday with kids and DP next summer - all paid for by me. I have paid off our car loan of 4k. I have bought him meals out. However I am on a low income (self employed) with rubbish private pension, I am 51 so aware I shouldn’t be eating too much into the capital and saving for my retirement.
When I had to sort out my late mum’s estate in Devon he drove me down but I paid for everything- including hotels in Exeter, Plymouth and Paignton, and petrol as I knew it wasn’t a ‘jolly’ for him.
I’m fuming that he expects money for me to attend his marathon and think my inheritance has influenced this sudden bout of ‘tightness’. AIBU?

My long-term partner and I don’t live together or combine finances.

Jointly agreed trip? We split the cost.

Visiting parents/trip for one person’s hobby/wedding of a friend that isn’t ‘joint’? The person concerned typically pays for travel and accommodation, the other will share costs of meals etc while there.

So in your circumstance, the racer would pay.

We don’t keep a strict ledger but neither of us feels the other doesn’t pay their way. You probably need a discussion on how things are split - that is based on circumstances and fairness, not on who has just come into a wedge and who feels entitled to some of it.

Is this the first time he has behaved like this over money and does he usually expect you to pay for 100% of things like holidays, meals out etc?

Is there a bigger back story to this and he is generally tight with money and expects you to pay for everything? If that’s the case, your issue is bigger than him asking you for £100 towards the hotel.

The train from Sheffield to Manchester takes under an hour. Book in advance for about £18 and be there at the finish line.

On that note he should pay half the villa holiday.
suggest that then see what he says.
Id be done with someone so petty .
you’re going to support him and he wants you to pay for the privilege!!

I’ve just looked at the start times OP, the earliest he will be running is 9, why is this even an issue? You can easily leave at 7, park up and cheer him on from there. If he wants to go down the night before, let him.

If it’s only an hour away I would stay at home and meander in for the finish

What were things like before your windfall? You’re a low earner with a child, so before would you be going 50/50 or would he often treat you? If he’s previously picked up the financial slack between you, then the only one being tight here is you for not wanting to even things out now that you have a bit of spare cash.

why not just break up? You clearly don’t even like him and don’t even live together.

If I’m dragging my DP to support me at races, I pay for pretty much everything! Hotel, petrol, most of the food and drink though he will pay some of that too. He’d rather stay home and play golf!

if he still insists on half the hotel, ask him for half the villa.

He's a tight arse.
I'd remind him you're paying or the 6K holiday and therefore he can pay for the 200 quid hotel room and then I'd be rethinking the entire relationship.

a half-marathon is 13 miles, it's hardly the sporting event of the year 😂

I can't imagine being with someone for 10 YEARS and squabbling a hotel room, it's not a relationship on any level.

I wouldn't be impressed to be told to pay on this occasion when you are paying so much for other things. 250k is a good amount, but hardly a life-changing inheritance, he's ridiculous if he expects you to waste it - I am not being unpleasant, just looking at the average prices of properties. It's not that big an amount when it's not enough to buy an average medium size house in most of the country, that's all.

If he invited you, then he should really expect to pay. If you jointly had a discussion together about it'll be a nice day or two out for the 3 of you and you all agreed to get the hotel in a joint conversation then I'd offer to pay half. However you are asking him to share a small room with your 11 year old son, so it's not really a fun/romantic night/date night for the 2 of you.

Cheering people on at marathons, cycling races, triathlons, iron men is unbearably boring a lot of the time! Depending on the length of the race you are basically on your own all day, waiting for them to appear all sweaty and exhausted and possibly too tired to do anything in the evening! So he should offer to pay due to the ask anyway!

The 6k holiday is either a no strings attached generous gift or it's something you are going to hold over him or refer to/think about every time money comes up.

I'm not sure if you are being unreasonable or not, I don't think so but I would say he doesn't sound very appealing or kind.

I would get that £250k into a long term investment somewhere so that you remove his ability to keep spending it for you.

This. Get that inheritance invested, 90% in your pension scheme and 10% in a long term isa that has penalties if you make withdrawals in the first 5 years. You need to get through to him that your inheritance is committed, and not available for leisure spending.

Yes, very sensible. But if she's taking a "what's mine is mine" approach, she can't be expecting him to subsidise her in day to day life. So she needs to always be paying her and her sons costs when going out, unless he offers to treat her/them. That's probably going to be hard for her as a low earning self employed person with no entitlement to benefits.

I have a time consuming and expensive hobby. My DH is very helpful and gives up days even whole weekends to come and help/ support. If we go away I pay for everything involved and try to include some nice treats to make it appealing if he's helping me and I want him to come again 😅
No way would i expect him to stump up towards the cost as well as being my support. I'd expect him to say thanks but no thanks next time I asked! 😆

Fair enough, as long as he pays his share of the expensive holiday she has booked and paid for. And his share of the car loan she paid off, and an equal share of meals out etc. As a low earner, a £250k inheritance has the potential to be life changing if not frittered on subsidising someone else's life.

He is being tight. It's boring to watch someone race - yes you go to support them but that doesn't extend to subsidising the hobby of someone you don't even live with. If it's a one off then I'd forgive the cheekiness (but still not pay) but if this is a pattern of behaviour its very unattractive

Presumably she offered to pay for those things? She can't turn round later and change her mind.

Not to mention that if hes only splitting costs in half, and she's responsible for 2 out of 3 of them, then hes been subsidising her plenty!

Either all money is shared or its not. If she's choosing to ring fence a quarter of a million pounds (which I absolutelyagree is sensible), she can't expect someone, likely poorer than herself to subsidise her choice to work in a self employed low paid role.

Of course she can change her mind and tell him he can't come on the holiday she has paid for in full. Why do you think she can't?

Tell him to cancel the hotel and instead you can all get up early and go over to Manchester. £200 for a Premier Inn is ridiculous.

I guess she could say he can't come, but she can't expect him to stump up money he likely hasn't got, or wouldn't choose to spend on an expensive holiday.

She's given a gift, she could take it back, but it would be a pretty shiity thing to do.

If I decide to offer someone a gift, I dont think it somehow entitles me to expect them to cover mine and my children costs on other occasions. Gifts should be given freely without strings attached.

Let's be honest, we all know if the sexes were reversed, no-one would expect a female partner to subsidise a man who had £250k sitting in the bank and was choosing to stay in a low paid role.

£100 is a lot of money for most people!

I agree op. You and ds don't actually need to be there that early, you can only really watch at one part, it's not like you'll be jogging alongside for the whole marathon. You could have just got up and driven there in time to watch him finish. The room is primarily for him, he could have got somewhere cheaper if just a single room and not a family. Tbh spending £200 to save an hour in the morning seems mad to me.

This! ^

But he's just done the same to her, invited her to a night away and now demanded money for it!

Let's be honest, we all know if the sexes were reversed, no-one would expect a female partner to subsidise a man who had £250k sitting in the bank and was choosing to stay in a low paid role.

I don't think that's true, people can't abide by tight arse twats, whether they're cock lodgers or fanny lodgers.

That £250k is not to piss away, it's for her old age and pension!

Ultimately it’s not that £100 is a lot of money to you, it’s the principle. You’re only going on this trip because he wants you to, I assume. So he should pay.

Thanks for all your replies. I think most of you agree with me and I take on board what some of you say about protecting my inheritance. I have texted this message to my DP today.
After our conversation last night, I don’t feel like going to support you in Manchester anymore. I hadn’t budgeted for the trip as you had initially framed it as an invitation. If you ask me to come and support you, you should pay. Just like I paid for our trips to Devon while you were supporting me. Hanging about a half marathon isn’t exactly a fun experience for me, but I would have been happy to come and support you if you were willing to pay the expenses. I feel like there would be further arguments about who pays for the food while we were away so I am going to bow out and let you do this on your own. After paying for your share of the villa holiday, paying off the car loan and paying for all expenses in Devon, you should not have dreamed of asking me for money for this hotel room. There is nothing more unattractive to me than a tight wad. It’s making me question the viability of our entire relationship, to be quite honest.