AIBU for being annoyed my daughter’s friend acts like nothing’s wrong?

[Flowerofdestiny]

I’m struggling to know how best to support my teenage daughter as she tries to find a balance between being a polite, kind person but not being taken for a fool.

She has a very close group of friends who usually do everything together. But this is the second time one of them has had a big party and hasn’t invited her – leaving her as the only one in the group left out.

It hurts because there’s no obvious reason why she isn’t invited, and she doesn’t have the courage to ask. From what she tells me, everything between them seems normal; however, this particular friend still talks to her as if nothing has happened. But of course, my daughter finds out from the others that she’s been excluded.

It ruins the group outings for her too, because once she knows she’s been left out of something, she can’t enjoy the rest in the same way.

I’m not sure what advice to give. I know she needs to learn to manage these situations herself, but when things happen for no clear reason it frustrates me as well – even as an adult!

Sorry if this sounds trivial, but I’d really appreciate any words of advice or
guidance.
Thank you for reading.

Firstly leaving just one out of a group is bullying. Her other friends 'not wanting to pick sides' is a bit shit, as 'sides' sounds like there is a dispute between two parties not just one bullying the other.

I wouldn't ditch them all yet as agree they will be scared it's going to happen to them too if they stand up to it or query it.

I dont see why she shouldnt ask the girl about it. It doesn't have to be an angry confrontation. Just 'is everything OK between us, I wanted to check if I've done anything to upset you because you've had a couple of things that you've organised and I've not been invited'.

What are her other friends saying about the reasons for it?

I wouldn't put any weight to the fact they've known each other for ever, just because you knew someone at primary doesn't mean your personalities are going to evolve in the same way and you're going to get on well as teens.

This is great advice. I wish I’d had someone like you in my corner as a teenager!

Op. There’s not much you can do about the behaviour of this one girl and the wider group, but you can teach your daughter how to take care of herself in such circumstances.

As a priority, I’d get her doing stuff where she can make new friends. Only having one group of friends is setting herself up for feeling very lonely if something goes wrong. I had school friends, and sports friends, and friends that were kids of my mum’s friends. As a teenager when I fell out with school friends (which let’s face it, girls do all the time), I still had mates to go out with so I wasn’t sat at home feeling rejected and despondent.

Are there any clubs she could do at school if not already? Library stuff? Sports? Tech? What’s she in to?

I think you’re a great mum by the way. You’re looking out for your daughter and reaching out for advice on how to help her navigate the tricky teens! She’s lucky to have you!

Thanks so much for all the replies – I really appreciate them and I’ve read them all carefully.

For context, nothing new has happened that could have upset her. My daughter is White British, at a mixed Catholic school. We’re just a small, ordinary family.

She asked two of the girls in the group if they knew why this one girl was excluding her, and both said they didn’t know and didn’t want to get involved.
I’ve been tempted (against my daughter’s wishes) to message one of her close friends to ask what’s going on and let her know how badly my daughter has been feeling.

Would you, as mums, do that? Or does it come across as me being immature/overstepping? It’s so painful to just sit back and do nothing, but my daughter has made it clear she doesn’t want me to interfere.

Any thoughts welcome, thank you.

I really wouldn’t contact the girls. Imagine how you might feel if your daughter was contacted by a parent. I don’t think it will help and could isolate her from her other friends.

You’re not doing nothing. You’re supporting your daughter.

Thing is you see it entirely from your child’s perspective. There was a girl in dds group who was getting left out. It was because she repeatedly said pretty nasty snide comments and the girls were getting fed up of it. Dd (quite bravely I thought) when the girl asked why told her so she could have a chance to adjust her behaviour. She didn’t! Dd still met up with her individually but the others had had enough of her.

it’s only happened over the last 2-3 years and I can’t bring myself to leave out one child. But I’m really annoyed about it this year so next year I think I will

I would do the same as the friend is doing.
I think this particular friend is not keen on having your DD around in her turf, but OK to socialise with her in the group itself.
I would carry on with the friends, as they are not mean to your DD. They invite her. And keep a polite distance with this other girl. No invitation for her on birthdays.
Within every group of friends there is some you glue with and others that just nope. And I do not think there is more to it than that.

No no no no no please don't do that! It will be extremely embarrassing for your daughter.

From her perspective, you'll make everything worse and she won't appreciate it. You'll humiliate her by making her look over-sensitive and pathetically wounded, and babyish like she still needs Mummy's support with friendships.

Don't do anything without her express consent and approval. These are her friends and her life, she knows best.

As mentioned, your supportive role here is to teach her how to handle herself in these situations - how to get over the hurt and how to make friends elsewhere. What you would be doing by interfering in this way is teaching her the opposite of resilience.

Also happens to my 11 year old daughter who is the friendliest kindest person you could ever meet. There is a group of 6 of them
There was a birthday sleepover, my daughter not invited, she did ask her why, the answer was the mom only had space for 5. But its always my daughter thats the one who isn't chosen. It breaks my heart.

#WishinAndHopin
I’m not going to do it – it’s just my urge to set things straight, but I’ve realised that we shouldn’t act without our teens’ consent.

I’m supporting her a lot with encouraging words and advice, and soon she’ll be starting her counselling sessions, which makes me really glad because she wants to do it as a way to open up and become stronger 🙂

#Movingonup028e
It’s awful, isn’t it? You suffer twice – for them, and as mothers we suffer too.

#MushMonster That’s true as well. The worst part is not knowing… the uncertainty is the hardest thing.

No I wouldn’t message the other girls. That’s overstepping and will be mortifying for your daughter.

Put the energy into loving your daughter instead. Do something fun together to remind her that she’s safe and loved with you. Get snuggly in your pyjamas and watch a film with popcorn and hot chocolate maybe?

The hardest thing as parents is when we have to step back and realise we can’t fix their problems for them anymore. Your daughter has made her boundaries clear, do not message her friends.

This exactly!

My friend has led this happen to her daughter so they gave the ‘so-called’ friend a taste of her own medicine. I would recommend as better than just walking away from a friendship group.

I would be suspicious that there is a difference in what they are doing. Eg. The other girls might be vaping or drinking or flirting or similar and your daughter isn't.
In which case she deserves a bloody big treat for not bending to peer pressure and a new outlet with like minded girls.

Girls can be very cruel, far more so than boys imho. I think your daughter should take a deep breath and confront the party inviter, get to the bottom of it

Hard disagree. Some boys can be absolutely vicious. Have you met many teenage boys?

Yep. While girls might shun, ghost and bitch in a quiet sneaky way, boys still openly ostracise, and often their bullying is overt and physical .

I feel bad for both girls and boys, because they all suffer and carry everything inside, masking their pain and frustration from the outside world.

If I had a son, I would care for him just as much as I do for my daughter.

I think teenagers need us even more than when they were little, at least that’s what I’ve experienced.

I had this happen to me at school. It really affected me. I wish my Mum had said something to the other mum. I still hold it as an issue deep down because I felt my mum could and should have said something about how it made me feel but she was too worried about the state of her friendship than my feelings.

I think you’re judging your mum too harshly. Mums have minimal power over friendships for primary aged children let alone teens. And that’s even if the other mum listens to the complaint - the culture now is very much parent backing child whatever no questions asked. So pretty futile not to mention embarrassing to involve mummy. You risk making it all much worse.

Same here!

I had a similar situation when I was younger, I was in a group of around 6 friends we all did everything together, one of the girls was my cousin and it took me a while to realise but she was purposely leaving me out, telling the others I couldn’t make it etc, she was jealous

Stuff you can do:

• Help her find other groups of friends outside of school - could be a hobby, a volunteering role, a job. Could be something online or in person etc.

• If she's in Year 11 help her apply to multiple sixth form places - give her the option to end up somewhere different from the nasty person.

• Establish a code word so you can rescue her from trips out she's not enjoying. You can phone and ask her to come home for a made up 'emergency'.

• Don't make a fuss if she comes home early - if she's with people and isn't enjoying it, she's perfectly entitled to walk away and do something else / make up another commitment / headache.

• Make home fun / relaxing - it's a different rather than a worse option to going out with friends.

YANBU
I would feel like you - it’s absolutely normal that you and your daughter are upset by this.
Your daughter needs to speak privately to this ‘friend’ and ask what’s going wrong with their friendship.
Is it worth you having a friendly word with the other mum if you feel you know her well enough?
I’m sure you’ll get good advice on this thread but your daughter needs to know it’s normal to feel sad about it.

This 🙌

Some reasons why this is happening

Whatever this girl is into/the theme of the party is , it’s something your daughter would disapprove of , or has been critical of before , or isn’t her thing.

This girl actually doesn’t like your daughter that much anymore. They grew up, they like different things (or not) and probably would’ve grown apart if it wasn’t for the group.

The girl is jealous of your daughter/insecure about her own position in the group so she’s trying to establish herself as front and centre, especially on an occasion like her birthday/a party.

What your daughter can do:

Calmly, but clearly confront the girl and ask what’s going on.

Build other friendships outside of this particular group. Either at school or through clubs, volunteering, hobbies etc.

Stay friendly and close with everyone and polite and civil to this girl.