AIBU for being annoyed my daughter’s friend acts like nothing’s wrong?

[Flowerofdestiny]

I’m struggling to know how best to support my teenage daughter as she tries to find a balance between being a polite, kind person but not being taken for a fool.

She has a very close group of friends who usually do everything together. But this is the second time one of them has had a big party and hasn’t invited her – leaving her as the only one in the group left out.

It hurts because there’s no obvious reason why she isn’t invited, and she doesn’t have the courage to ask. From what she tells me, everything between them seems normal; however, this particular friend still talks to her as if nothing has happened. But of course, my daughter finds out from the others that she’s been excluded.

It ruins the group outings for her too, because once she knows she’s been left out of something, she can’t enjoy the rest in the same way.

I’m not sure what advice to give. I know she needs to learn to manage these situations herself, but when things happen for no clear reason it frustrates me as well – even as an adult!

Sorry if this sounds trivial, but I’d really appreciate any words of advice or
guidance.
Thank you for reading.

@Flowerofdestiny can you describe how your daughter feels when this happens?

As in, when she is excluded? What did she tell you about those occasions?

This is really hard, but encourage your daughter to not take it personally. If she's not done anything wrong then the issue is with the friend.

It could be anything, including jealousy, meaning that she finds your DD an easy target for her contempt. Or simply not enjoying her company any more for no other reason than their personalities are growing apart, unnoticed by DD.

Friendships are mostly fickle, and teenagers can be emotional and irrational. Also, this is a good life lesson that nobody is owed friendship, they can end for any reason, and good friends are hard to find. The other girls aren't obligated to punish themselves by staying away from a party just because DD isn't invited. It's not pleasant, but it's life.

I suspect if your DD confronted the girl, the friends would side with the other girl and act like DD is causing trouble. People almost always side with the stronger personality. I think DD is making the right decision by quietly carrying on like nothing has happened. But in the mean time, she should make an effort to cultivate friendships elsewhere.

She should continue to put energy into friendships with the other girls, as it may be true that they just don't want to get involved. But she should quietly and subtly withdraw energy from the girl in question as much as she can without being noticed.

#MusicalCarbuncle
My daughter is shy, very respectful, and kind. She feels really hurt because she doesn’t understand why that girl is excluding her, especially since they’ve known each other since they were little.

She doesn’t want to upset or annoy the group by saying anything, so she tries to act indifferent. But at home we hugged, and seeing her eyes full of tears nearly made me cry too.

Id tell her to ask someone else in the group who she would be closest to or is the nicest, if she doesn't feel she can ask directly. It's so hard, I have a teen girl too and I hate all the games

Bloody hell, this is a bit strong.
Can we maybe use a bit less misogyny!
"Snivelling cunts" is just grim.

So this is when your daughter has a party and invite everyone but her. Maybe that will make her think- actions and consequences.

If it’s the same girl who hasn’t invited twice, and she is normal to dd the rest of the time, I’m wondering whether there is a reason she isn’t invited?
If the parties are at her house is there any reason that the parents might have said she can’t be there? Has she ever done something to upset the parents? Or broken/damaged something in the house? Or brought alcohol or something round? Even if she thinks it wasn’t “discovered “?
Are you black or Jewish or Muslim? And the other girls are white? Are you or dd lesbian and the other girls are straight? Any other “differences” which might cause prejudice?

Maybe the other girls like your daughter and the other girl feels, annoyed, upset, resntful or in a competition within the friendship. My daughter had similar issues and it transpired the other girl had strong competitive issues undermining and sabotage others...playing poor me tune. So 100% invite the girls who are not problematic and others but tell her to woman up for the backlash because she needs to.....will give her confidence too

She needs to keep her chin up, not let the one who is enjoying tormenting her see that it bothers her, get herself off social media for at least a few weeks, and seek out new friends, or at least try to avoid the one who is behaving like a little cow.

This is so hard to witness, isn't it? My DS is on the Spectrum and was left out of pretty much every party once people stopped inviting the whole class. Different situation but I know well how much it hurts.

I would suggest that the girl who is leaving your daughter out sees herself as being in competition with her in some way and leaving her out is just her way of winning. It could be because she wants to be centre of attention, the prettiest, most fashionable, most fun or because she wants to attract a partner/be bff's with someone who she feels would choose your DD over her, if she were invited. So, jealousy.

It could also be as PP suggested, she wants to get into something that she knows your DD wouldn't go along with: sex, alcohol, drugs.

Either way, the friendship isn't working any more and grey rocking as a PP suggested is one way to make the other girl feel the consequences of her unkindness if that's somethingthat your daughter would feel comfortable with, as is not inviting her to your next party.

I love that you do other fun stuff with your daughter on the day of the party. That is really good.

Another tactic mentioned is supporting your DD to develop new friendships through unusual hobbies. Lots of sports were mentioned but I would also consider art/craft classes, role-playing like Dungeons & Dragons or World of Warcraft, acting, dance, choir, Duke of Edinburgh and Pokemon if she's not so keen on sport. All fairly niche and great for finding your tribe.

Wishing you and her all the best in moving away from this cruel girl to new interests and loyal friends.

You need to understand that bullies are usually just responding to vulnerability. The bully may or may not be jealous of her, may or may not actually find her annoying - none of that matters. It's just bad luck she came on the bully's radar. When she escapes, someone else will be lined up by the bully.

I know it is personal to your daughter, but to the bully she's just another easy target because she is shy and kind.

Dreading the day DD is old enough for this kind of shit to happen.

Teenaged girls can be shockingly spiteful. It's all about status at that age and who is the prettiest, thinnest, gets the most attention from boys and so on. This nasty girl's motivation will absolutely be that there's something your DD has that she doesn't. Excluding your DD and acting all sweetness and light is bait to try and make your DD self-exclude and self-sabotage her relationship with the others.

I advise you to advise DD to not take the bait, however hurtful. Someone else said be a grey rock towards this girl. Do that and carry on as if nothing has happened. She can then slowly start to withdraw from the group when it's the right time, like A Levels etc

if she’s “quiet and respectful” the girl probably thinks she’s not cool enough for their group and doesn’t add any value in being fun,

I think berating the others is a little harsh. It’s human nature if you are invited to something desirable you go along its not up to a guest who else is invited. The others might assume Dd couldn’t go or something.

I experienced similar as an adult. What hurt the most was the rest of my friends not being in my corner and saying ‘hey, why didn’t you invite saulhudson’? Or offering me any support as the person obviously left out. So I walked away from all of them. I’ve never regretted it. Life’s too short to be around people who make you feel bad.

Can she ask one of the girls she’s closest to? Say it in a “have I done anything wrong to upset xx? Way rather than why haven’t I been invited. At least with an answer then she’d know what the issue is. I wouldn’t go down the route of ditching all her friends as they could be saying to the other girl why doesn’t DD come?

I would say it sounds like jealousy to me. The other girl sees your DD as competition in some way. Look how all the others stand by it, not wanting to cause a fuss. The other girl clearly not as nice as you think, very controlling behaviour.

I hear you. I have a DC going through exactly the same thing and it makes me feel sick to see the hurt. I also worry that the exclusion will spread to others. If the other friends are happy to allow it, will they start excluding too.

As adults, it’s easy for us to say walk away or to challenge the behaviour, but it’s not so simple for the children. These friend groups feel so concrete and boundaried. It can feel like there are no other options and rocking the boat will leave them in the cold.

I hope it does pass soon for your DD. In the meantime, I think all we can do is build them up, help them see it’s not them, encourage wider interactions.

My dd had this situation around prom. One girl in her friendship group invited everyone except dd to a pre and after party and instructed them not to tell her. One of her better friends did eventually tell her. Dd pushed back with her closer two friends, told them how upset she was and they formed a smaller party with three others in the end.

This was about five years ago. I think the ringleader expected others to treat her as superior. Flattery but also if she decided someone was to be shunned, she expected them all to join in on her say so, for spurious reasons. Many of them would.

She went in to relentlessly bully two other girls in sixth form at which point dd and her now best friend cut ties and made other friends who were a lot nicer.

Some of it stemmed from jealously. How pretty, how academic people were compared to her. But also a sort of power complex. She did it because she could.

The thing is you always meet people like this. Adults bully by exclusion. She needs strategies of how to deal with it.

Make other connections with better people. Do some reading on the psychology behind it. "Let them"podcast by Mel Robbins is a good one. She'll be fine but it's time to widen her friends.

The host of the party isn't the only problem, the whole group not thinking to invite her is the problem.

This isn’t trivial it’s bullying and you need to help your daughter navigate it.

So would I.

If she's going to stay friends with the other girls for the next few years, at some point she's going to have to put on her big girl pants and ask. It must be a massive elephant in the room and extremely awkward for the other girls.

It could be anything at that age. Jealous, a misunderstanding, a boy...they don't really need much of an excuse for drama. It could be something that your daughter has said or done that she doesn't even realize has upset the other girl.

It might even be that your daughter knows exactly what she's done and doesn't want or feel comfortable telling you about OP.

I think your daughter should ask someone else in the group if they know. She may not like the answer but it’s better than not knowing.

I have 2 16 yr olds who are very different and in the same broad friend group (maybe about 10
of them).

dd2 sounds a bit like your DD. She’s quiet and well behaved. She is somewhat rigid and a little bit not social. She gets left out of invites to big parties fairly often but when I ask her sister if she knows why, it’s because she’s turned down so many invites in the past people stop bothering. She always welcome to come if she wants to but people assume she isn’t interested (and they are generally right actually, her idea of hell).

so Possibly if she isn’t asking or showing anyone that she would have liked to come, they assume she isn’t and it becomes a bit self fulfilling? If she otherwise gets on well with these girls and does get asked by others to go, it could be something like this?

similarly we’ve had the outright bitchy exclusion )albeit a bit younger - 13-14 seem the worst years for that). So not downplaying/ruling it out. It’s just nicer to think it’s miscommunication rather than cruelty.

If you dd can id think abut expanding her friendship circle.
I dont have teen dd but I woulldnt want anyone to be treated like that. It's probably wont do your dd any good to ask.
The old adage- with friends like that you dont need enemies