AIBU for being annoyed my daughter’s friend acts like nothing’s wrong?

[Flowerofdestiny]

I’m struggling to know how best to support my teenage daughter as she tries to find a balance between being a polite, kind person but not being taken for a fool.

She has a very close group of friends who usually do everything together. But this is the second time one of them has had a big party and hasn’t invited her – leaving her as the only one in the group left out.

It hurts because there’s no obvious reason why she isn’t invited, and she doesn’t have the courage to ask. From what she tells me, everything between them seems normal; however, this particular friend still talks to her as if nothing has happened. But of course, my daughter finds out from the others that she’s been excluded.

It ruins the group outings for her too, because once she knows she’s been left out of something, she can’t enjoy the rest in the same way.

I’m not sure what advice to give. I know she needs to learn to manage these situations herself, but when things happen for no clear reason it frustrates me as well – even as an adult!

Sorry if this sounds trivial, but I’d really appreciate any words of advice or
guidance.
Thank you for reading.

I have no words of wisdom to offer but just wanted to say I felt every word of what you wrote. My daughter is 16 too, and we've been through situations very similar to what you describe. It hurts like hell, doesn't it? I could share with you so many examples of when so called 'friends' have done the most unkind things and you just think 'why?'

I mostly keep out of it, I have made it quite clear that if ever there's a time that she wants me to intervene, then I will. Other than that, it's just hand holding, hugs and words of advice when she needs to talk about it.

On one occasion, with one girl who was being particularly spiteful, I stepped in. My daughter didn't want me to, but it was the only way the problem was going to stop, it was already getting out of hand. I am usually respectful of her wishes - as you have been - but the situation required adult intervention.

I think with this situation that your daughter finds herself in, I would keep out of it, for now. It's hard though, when your child hurts, you hurt.

This happened to me at 13 and again amazingly by a close cousin at 22! It damaged me quite a lot but I have lately come to understand that it was jealousy and insecurity on the part of the main actors. I was both really very pretty and academic - but shy.

anyway, make sure your daughter realises it is not about her but about the other person having a problem. My husband told me this when I was 35 and it was a real penny drop moment. Before then I honestly thought it was all my own fault.

But apart from this girl, the others prefer not to take sides
But they are taking sides by going to these parties and not calling out the exclusionary behaviour.

I lost friends in my teens because I had standards and still do.
They knew I wouldn't have sex take drugs etc

This op.
There’s no point to waste energy for people who don’t deserve it.
It seems quite toxic situation- better to avoid them and find a new normal friends.

One of the main drains in life and how abusers get by doing what they do is the "but why?" question. It is very hard. I know. The gist of it is to understand that the why is irrelevant to your DD. The actions is what matters and you match them, without investing any further bit of yourself. Otherwise, these people take energy from you, your mind space, your emotions, your sense of self worth... and for someone who is not worthy. At a zero cost to them. If your DD can come out of this being a "I give a damn" person about these issues, she will save so much emotional energy in her life!

In my case, I do not think the other friends are to be blamed. I would encourage other group of friends, like hobby ones, because it is always better to have other circles. But I would not encourage to give way to low key pressure like this. I would encourage to stand firm, proud of who she is. Why change your life because a girl did not invite you to a party? That is silly!