Being called darling/aw bless by nursing staff

[KatyKopykat]

I do a cleaning job once a week for a neighbour who's been in hospital, she's coming up 67. She's been telling me that the nurses and hospitality staff all call patients darling incessantly. They all do it and she thought it's part of their training. I'd hope not! Another thing they keep saying is bless/aw bless.

AIBU to say this is not professional? I'm not in my sixties but I'd stop it immediately if anyone said it to me.

I trained as a nurse in the 80s and always asked our patients what they would like to be called. Some liked to be called Mrs or Mr mostly if they were senior men and women. Its about respecting people and their wishes. Some people do like being called darling or love though

I hear it all the time in social care. Usually when a client can't do something or is being difficult. It's really annoying. Agree that darling/love can be patronising. But it's not as bad as the 'mama' used by Filipino and some African nurses for all older women.

I dunno maybe try Starbucks next time?
Might have a no darling policy

😹😹😹

My mother is in her eighties. She is very much of the old school, hates to be called darling, love, anything like that. She is very proud. She has had times in her life where her pride was literally all she had. God help you if you shorten her name.

When she was really being put through the health care mill, with invasive tests etc, several a week, she was feeling frightened, angry, defensive and vulnerable. She was always polite and deferent, as people of that age often are when it comes to medical professionals. But being called love, darling, etc, it really made a horrific and stressful, very disempowering, situation so much worse. This is a woman who hardly ever cries. I narrowly missed a flying hairbrush as she cried tears of pure rage at that last tiny indignity being heaped on her head. (She wasn't aiming - I walked through the door at the wrong time!)

It really is such a small thing. But all that needed to be done, was ask what she wanted to be called - it's one of the most common English surnames in the world, and call her Mrs X. To be treated like an adult, with dignity, with respect, with courtesy.

Pretty much what we all want.

When my Dad was in hospital in his 80s the nursing staff started calling him by a diminutive of his first name. Aside from the fact that he never shortened his name, he was actually known by his middle name for his whole life. So suppose his name was Joseph William, known as William, the nurses started calling him Joey. He corrected them politely at first but to no avail, and eventually just stopped responding. He was furious!
My MIL got her name shortened in hospital recently too. It's not English but not particularly long or difficult to pronounce. That's rude, and lazy in my opinion. I think someone's name is a key part of their identity and calling them what they want to be called is very important.
I was always taught to ask a patient on first meeting what they would like to be called and then to use that unless they ask for something different later. Whilst the modern trend is for informality and first names, that wasn't always the case and particularly older people may be very unhappy about being called by their first name or a term of endearment by people they don't know well, especially by someone young. I pull people up on this kind of thing if I notice it. Most of the time I don't think it is ill intentioned and staff genuinely are trying to be warm and friendly, but it's how the patient perceives it that matters, not what you meant, so just blooming well ask them!

being difficult has a problem that the carer has no intention of solving.

It’s not recommended and I was a nurse myself and never did it. But when I was in hospital as a patient myself some nurses did it and it didn’t bother me it was actually quite nice I felt cared for. I can understand why some people would not like it and would feel disrespected by it though.

We are not supposed to speak to primary school children like that, let alone adults. Adults in hospital may well be suffering a loss of dignity alongside everything else, and it is perfectly possible for staff to address patients both kindly and professionally. It’s one thing being called “ love” by a market stall holder, when you are a fully dressed customer spending money where you choose. It’s quite another thing when you are in your nightclothes, maybe disorientated, maybe frightened, probably in pain and discomfort. If ever there was a time to demonstrate respect it’s then.

I don't see the issue, sometimes it's regional greeting, I moved to the midlands for University and was surprised when everyone called be duck, but just a term of endearment to me, and probably don't know everyone's name.

Rubbish! How lovely to be called darling. You sound like a complete sourpuss.

Any registered nurse trained to modern, UK NMC standards has been trained not to do this. Communication approaches vary and should be adapted to patient preference (whilst remaining professional). Some patients find terms of endearment comforting, others find them overfamiliar and/or patronising. It's not a 'one size fits all' thing. It can be a difficult habit to break if you are from a culture or background where these terms are just a part of your normal vocabulary or even a sign of respect for your elders.

Mileage may vary for healthcare support staff providing bedside care, who do not receive the same training but are often confused for registered nurses. Though NHS Trust policy usually aligns with NMC re respectful communication with patients and non-registered staff should be adhering.

Meow.

I’m afraid this is to do with class. Working class people tend to be more tactile, affectionate, chatty, while your middle, upper class less so. I’m working class and insisting on nursing staff calling you Mr/Mrs… would be seen as rude and patronising so it’s all about intent. I was a health care assistant for many many years and I would usually ask what someone liked to be called and once you get to know them a bit, you can gauge how to communicate.
The important thing to remember is no one is being patronising on purpose, it’s their way of being kind and putting you at ease.

There's a middle ground between Mr Jones/Mrs Smith and my darling/sweety. Like Jane or Bill?

When my neighbour was recounting her recent experience she said she couldn't concentrate because she was waiting for the next "my darling".

I am a retired nurse.

This is patronising behaviour and entirely unprofessional. I recently had a nurse call me darling within her first sentence of our first meeting and I pulled her up on it (politely) straight away. She said she found older people like it. I am 58!

I explained that older people do not have a hive mind anymore than people in their twenties like her. I also reminded her that she should always ask patients how they like to be addressed ie first name or titles.
Sometimes a bit of formality in a professional setting is the only dignity a patient feels they have left so it is essential that a good nurse respects this.

Unless you have an established relationship with a patient you are certain prefers this language or it slips out in a moment of extremis it is wrong.

I despair of many nurses these days for a variety of reasons.

I guess it's dependent on your background too. Given that it's aimed or seems to be primarily at older people, I imagine a 60-something and upwards professor or lawyer is going to find it more grating than a woman of the same age who's not worked, brought up a family and not been in a professional environment for decades. Not exclusively of course but probably a factor.

We were in NZ, so it was neither the UK class system, nor regional quirks at work. (It just about made her head explode when she was over here visiting, lol).

I'm sure many see it as harmless, and sweet and kind, but surely they can see that others don't? And if that other person is in the vulnerable situation of a time of heightened emotion, that it is not sweet and kind or harmless, to upset them still further by calling them something they don't like to be called, when there is a perfectly good title or name, right there in front of them, to use?

I find most people phoning call me by my Christian name on the assumption its OK, drs are more formal which I think is better

How long since you were on the frontline though?

I should think at 58, not that long most likely.
How is that relevant?

The NHS is currently a fairly horrific place to work, maybe the pet names are not trying to be unprofessional or offensive just trying to get through the day? Also I didn’t think slagging off nurses ‘these days’ was particularly kind either, granted some are rubbish but the majority I meet (newly qualified included) are just trying to survive and do the very best they can!

These terms all make me cringe, they feel overfamiliar, but I never say anything as I know it’s well intentioned. It doesn’t take any of my time and doesn’t stop me from doing anything.

As a doctor, I have never called any patient darling or sweetheart in my life, yet am pretty kind and caring and get great feedback. I ask patients what they like to be called at the start of consultations. It breaks the ice a bit too and shows that I care. And I also frequently meet the older parents/relatives of my adult patients on the wards. I ask their names and use them. I wouldn’t dream of calling them ‘mum’ and ‘dad’, so why we do we allow it in paeds?!

Exactly. It’s about respect.

Yes, it is to an extent a class issue. But I disagree with your assertion that all working class people are affectionate, tactile and chatty and all middle/upper class people aren't or that it's hoity toity to expect other humans to speak to them as their equal. It's an equality issue and if a doctor expects me to address them as Dr, Mr, Miss or Ms then I expect them and those around them to address me similarly.

For the Dr above who calls all people over 80 Pet, they are very lucky they have not met my 89 year old mother.

The NHS/health sector, with its hierarchies and paternalism is the institution that it out of step. Everywhere else, first names are used as we approach the mod 21st Century. The exception is in court, where even if one were in the dock, accuswd of murder, the Judge would address the accused with their title. There is no such respect or etiquette within the NHS nowadays.