AIBU for pressuring my son to apply to unis close to home?

[SassyBear2]

My son is very academically capable and wants to study Electrical Engineering. From what he’s researched, Cambridge is better for engineering than Oxford because it’s more hands-on and practical, and the acceptance rate is slightly higher.

Despite this, we’ve been encouraging him to apply to Oxford. We live about an hour away by car, and if he went there he could commute from home, which would reduce how much we need to fund his uni life.

He says he wants to move out for uni because he wants to "experience proper student life" and he believes uni accommodation is an important aspect of that.

We’re also suggesting he look at London unis instead of other options like Warwick, because they’re only about an hour away if there’s no traffic.

AIBU for pressuring him a bit to apply to local unis rather than slightly better ones further away? Is an hour commute really far uni? Also do most students move out for uni or do they stay at home?

We looked at lots of unis with DS, most were about an hour away but he decided on Liverpool as it's 20 mins on the train.

He lived there last year. At home this year.

First year rent was just under 8k which I paid. His maintenance loan was the low one at around 4.5k. Hed also had a job since 16 so saved hard.

We told him was he was looking we could only afford rent for one year

This year he is travelling by train. A monthly rail ticket is 200 a month. He's not taken out the maintenance loan this year.

I would discuss with him how he will fund living away. Make clear what you can and can't do. Does he have a job?

I would suggest an hour is too far to commute. Some days they only have one lecture. Is he really going to go in for an hour or two

I think it’s not simply about the parties - that’s a small element about living somewhere. It’s about the community formed and being immersed in that. You study together, you eat together, you hang out together. Being around people studying the same subjects has benefits e.g. discuss subjects, assignments, revise together. Arguably this is most needed in the final year. But also moving out is great in terms of life skills - sharing a house, building relationships, cleaning, cooking, managing finance - habit building stuff.

I would say if a young person wants this they should go for it - manage the debt, get a part time job. Having to move home mid course would be fracturing to a once in a lifetime experience. They can always move home after to save money.

I have three in Uni. One lives at home. It's miserable. There is no uni experience any more for students not living on campus. 2 tutes a week on person, the rest on line. Zero interaction. It's just soulless.

One just finished post-grad and lives independently - his course was hands on but he worked throughout so not much of the trad uni experience.

My youngest lives in catered halls on campus. It has been a fantastic experience and worth every single penny. If he can subsidise, get a bursary, finding or scholarship then let him do what he wants to do. Just make sure he is clear on the financial implications of each choice.

If you are concerned about money talk to him about taking a gap year to work and save instead.

Exactly this! Many posters here really don't understand how much has changed and how hard it is for many families to find the extra cash for their kids to study at University.

And don't get me started on the huge amount of interest charged on the current loans which starts accumulating from day one.
My child graduated this year and found there was already £1k in interest added to the loan!
With the current poor job market for graduates we are really setting our young people up for a hard time.

im from Dublin and most teens there just live at home we’ll into their 20’s as accommodation is expensive. I also have several colleagues (in London) in their mid to late twenties who have not moved out yet due to financial or cultural reasons. Just because all of his friends can afford to move out doesn’t mean he has to.

Forcing him into a lengthy commute will stop him properly integrating into student life plus will land him with a very long and tiring day which could badly affect his studies. So high likelihood he will drop out or be required to leave after failing exams. Is that what you want?

if he is getting minimum maintenance grant you are not on low income so surely you could contribute something and he could get a part time job to supplement? Much better idea than a hellish commute.

I think it’s really sensible to be looking into costs and affordability. However, as well as travel time, you have to factor in costs. Both London and Oxford are well connected but commuting to them is expensive and busy. For something like engineering, I imagine he will have to be for 9am each day so will be travelling at peak times. What time will he actually have to leave to get to a lecture for 9am? And how much will that ticket cost? What will he do on days when the trains are down or similar? And then how will he socialise? What time is the last train back to yours and how often do those trains run? What will he do if there is a party at the weekend that he wants to go to?
Do bear in mind, too, that, in many Unis, he will actually need to commit pretty early in academic year to where he is living the following academic year as people will be sorting out house shares. If he can’t commit, there’s a risk he’ll end up living with people he doesn’t particularly like and in the most expensive accommodation.

If he gets into Oxbridge then the terms are 8 weeks long as they are so full on.

If he goes to Oxford he won't have time to commute.

Stop being so controlling

Oxford is a PITA to commute in to unless you have good trains or buses in to it. I live in Oxfordshire and never take the car in to Oxford, always the train because its cheaper. I should imagine commuting in will cost as much as living in uni accomodation.

There is another thread on AIBU where the OP talks about their child having £60 a week to live on.
It makes interesting reading for anyone thinking the OP is being unreasonable or selfish to be concerned about how to fund her child.
Times have changed, people! Everything costs more!

I don’t think the parties do die out. Certainly I at uni, and the students I know now, still go out several times a week!

A friend went to Oxford 25 years ago and she had to live in halls during first and third years- it wasn’t a choice. Another friend was at Cambridge and it was the same story there.

I think you are being quite unreasonable but also unrealistic.

DC studied 550 miles away in the UK for undergraduate degree plus a year abroad, although Masters, sponsored by employer, was part time in London near work / their own flat. I still know graduates that have never left home and mum irons their shirts and has dinner on the table because they must be so busy on their graduate programme. While I recognise it is cheaper for DCs to live at home I think those that live independently are more mature.I also wonder about what will happen when they eventually move out, live with someone and start a family if all the changes and additional expectations come at once.

it is the op's money that she is controlling. and i think that is fair enough.

It seems part of the culture in the UK and US to move out for Uni. In Dublin where I live 90% kids who are from Dublin live at home for Uni. That includes a lot of kids commuting in quite long distances which is hard but kind of just expected . Kids from outside the cities in Ireland tend to move out but city kids stay put. I lived at home myself through college and whist I envied those living out I still had a great time

Most of my friends now were made at uni, the other end of the country.
I only made those friends not from lectures, but from living out and socialising.

Stop making decisions for him. Tell him how much time/financial/driving support he can expect from you then let him make his own decisions. If he goes to Oxbridge, he will have long holidays he can work in if he needs extra income.

Not sure if anyone has mentioned but i don’t think you can live at home and commute at Oxford. You have to live in college. Maybe exceptions are sometimes made but I’ve never heard of anyone commuting.

Why do you eamt to limit your son's choices? Yabu, if you really don't have the money to help him he'll have to manage but I think you should make the funds up to full loan equivalent if possible.

Oxbridge colleges have rules about how far away you're allowed to live as the workload is so high. If he goes to Oxford, he won't be allowed to commute from an hour away.

So give him a hand, if you can? He needs to fly the nest. He can't get a job Oxford, not sure about Cambridge, they don't encourage it. Uni from home isn't the same at all. He needs access to uni facilities and uni life and to fly the nest. If the finances are rubbish, can he defer for a year and save?

You really need to research both universities they are not like most unis.

I used to live in Oxford and even though I wasn't a student you do learn bits. If you spend a night away from Oxford in term time you have to stay for a night in the holidays.

I think, but I'm not 100% on this that there are times they have to be in their college for certain dinners and other events.

Are you serious? After living in uni halls he will want to live in a student house with his friends. That is the normal and expected route of transition as a student and will help prepare him for adult life. To expect him to come back home for his 3rd year which will be his most intense and difficult year of study is V unreasonable.

Also if he goes to Oxford or Cambridge he won't be allowed to live more than a few miles of the campus so if you still insist on him living at home and he ends up failing or being kicked out then well done for being mega selfish.

TLDR: don’t even think about it unless it’s ’normal’ both in your hometown, and in the uni they’re hoping to attend. Unless the only other possible option financially is “don’t go to uni at all” which they would need to understand.

Lots of Londoners do commute to London universities, but that’s quite a specific situation. Unless you’re literally on the fringes (eg Watford, Slough) it may not apply. And driving to a London uni is an unbelievably daft idea unless it’s a really peripheral location like Brunel. Even then it’s pretty daft. Commuting can be brutal, at least on the train they can study, and there is little parking in or near most unis.

I was a Londoner at a London uni. Halls in year 1 which let me get to know my classmates. Home after that. There were some disadvantages and I spent a lot of time visiting friends and now-husband who were in other cities so I got a lot of the ‘student experience’ second-hand at their unis.

Nowadays I’ve got one child in a distant Russell group uni living their best life in a shared house. Another is a Londoner commuter student, with a very short commute. Their significant other is at a different London uni, also lives with parents.

1. The public transport is good enough that they rarely have to miss out on late night socialising. Could work if you’re super close and on a main commuter line.
2. Many families are struggling to afford their main home, so London teens see the dilemma, and don’t expect parents to magically up ludicrous rent money.
3. lots of international students, so the “traditional” UK heavy-drinking, friends-forever uni vibe is different. Their parents pay extortionate fees, so expect kids to get a first.
4. Enough Londoners stay home that it’s normalised: they’re not the ‘weird one’ at uni and they often have home friends who are commuter students too
5. Even the official halls of residence can be miles from uni in London with an expensive 30 min commute. Sometimes the ‘home’ students live nearer than the halls ones.
6. I make sure there’s food available and give lifts if required. Other than that I am aggressively hands-off and disciplined with letting them live their life. If they’re out all night and I don’t know who with, that’s up to them, unless they choose to share.