AIBU for pressuring my son to apply to unis close to home?

[SassyBear2]

My son is very academically capable and wants to study Electrical Engineering. From what he’s researched, Cambridge is better for engineering than Oxford because it’s more hands-on and practical, and the acceptance rate is slightly higher.

Despite this, we’ve been encouraging him to apply to Oxford. We live about an hour away by car, and if he went there he could commute from home, which would reduce how much we need to fund his uni life.

He says he wants to move out for uni because he wants to "experience proper student life" and he believes uni accommodation is an important aspect of that.

We’re also suggesting he look at London unis instead of other options like Warwick, because they’re only about an hour away if there’s no traffic.

AIBU for pressuring him a bit to apply to local unis rather than slightly better ones further away? Is an hour commute really far uni? Also do most students move out for uni or do they stay at home?

yanbu if you cant afford it

perhaps he should do an apprenticeship instead?

I’m guessing the OP did not go to Uni herself or she would understand how unreasonable she is being.

I assume this is not a genuine post and is rage bait? Of course if he wants to move out he should. The only students who stay at home are those that want to - and the vast majority of students don’t want to. The whole point of university is the university experience.

Agree. It gets more the more friends they make!

Moving away for uni was honestly so amazing, it was the most fun years of my life. If I could go back to any time it would be then. Back off and let him go.

YABVVVVU

OP, explore funding options yourself by contacting the unis. I was offered 'hidden grants' that I didn't know were there and were poorly advertised- like hardship loans. Really made a difference. I also worked every Summer and during a gap year. I had no parent financial support at all. My friends all had jobs e.g. a few hours tutoring each week, to help pay for uni. We lived in a house share (5 of us) which made rent much cheaper.

I know things are harder for students now, but there are things that can be done. What I absolutely wouldn't do is ask him to commute each way, especially with such intense study at an Oxbridge uni. It is exhausting and can leave you feel isolated and overwhelmed (and mental health issues at uni are becoming increasingly more common). I hope you find a solution but I can't stress enough the benefits your son will have living at uni rather than commuting.

Plenty of people already telling the OP how very unreasonable she is for manifold reasons- but just wanted to express my horror at the very idea of a parent encouraging a young and naive person - one with no experience of life or real understanding of what is being proposed - to commute.

I spent decades of my life commuting - sometimes a commute of the length the OP describes, sometimes much longer. I regret it deeply.

It’s not just about the wasted time of journey itself. Commuting has a devastating effect on physical and mental health, on stress levels & - hugely important in this case - ability to engage in a social life and to maintain intimate relationships. (Notable that the OP seems not to consider this possibility.) Social life really matters for a young person. Hugely! So does being able to maintain intimate relationships.

I appreciate some may find commuting easier than I did- but the point is that you don’t know how you will cope with it until you try it. So it is a dreadful idea to arrange a life (in the OP’s scenario, to turn down college accommodation or the opportunity of a house share with friends) on the assumption you can cope with it for any length of time at all. (Plus even if you can cope with it in the sense of surviving the physical effects & stress, its effect on social life & relationships will be negative.)

To encourage a young person down this route is so very cruel. I am really amazed parents can be so disregarding of a child’s welfare, and very sorry for the young man who is receiving such destructive advice from parents, without the life experience he needs to shield him from it. I hope he is allowed to have a normal student experience - that Oxford’s regulations will shield him from this appalling idea- and in future is given the opportunity to make his own choices.

So .... he won't get much financial help cos you are well off .... but you don't want to fork out? Have I got that right?
I don't know what to say really .... that seems pretty mean to me.

To all those saying that the OP is selfish - do you know how the loans work now? Parents have to top up a lot, not just living expenses but the rent too.
The cost of living crisis has hit student accommodation just as much as it has hit everything else!
It's perfectly possible to have good jobs but struggle to find the extra each month to support a child at University & it's not always feasible for a student to work during term time. Plus holiday jobs are few & far between these days.

Oxford or Cambridge are your best bet, OP. Accommodation is cheaper and students get Uni accommodation for 3 years & only pay for term time which makes a big difference. The downside is students have to move out at the end of every term during their whole degree.
They also provide lots of bursaries for students who might need extra financial support and the thresholds to qualify are quite high depending on the college etc.

As others have said, commuting isn't a good idea and Oxbridge won't let you.
I live in London and several of my kids friends opted to live at home & go to London Universities for financial reasons but that's slightly different to proper commuting.
Good luck!

If he wants a practical course, I wouldn’t pick either Oxford or Cambridge. That’s like deciding whether lard or dripping was more slimming.

Supporting a child at University is an expensive business these days. People on good salaries are struggling with basic expenses like mortgages etc and then throwing an extra few hundred each month to top up the loans isn't always easy.

My nephew just started at University and on paper his parents' salaries mean he qualifies for the lowest loan amount for maintenance. His first year accommodation is £4k more than the loan so they have to find this on top of his living expenses.

DS studying a course at college in a nearby city and living with grandparents during the week then home at weekends. He's still experiencing student life🤷‍♀️

YABVU.

Let him go to the best university he can get into and live a full student life with his friends.

He will resent you trying to clip his wings in this way.

If DC won't get the full loan that's because you can afford to maintain them. You need to budget your other expenses to include the costs if they are over and above your existing commitments to him.
He might be able to get a job for the long summer holidays but I wouldn't recommend a term time job for an Oxbridge student.

Neither of those universities would allow or enocurgwe this. He needs to be engaged absolutely 100 per cent with his course

This is not only impractical but makes no sense.

University was honestly the best years of my life. It is incredible to be immersed in learning and live with like minded friends

In that case why are you talking about it now. Just let the first one or two years happen.

I think there’s yet to be a shift in the narrative that reflects the way university costs have changed.

Yes, it is good for young people to spread their wings. No, it is not good for parents to be on the hook for in the region of 6 to 10k a year. 6k is roughly the difference between the minimum and maximum living expenses loan. the maximum living loan will barely touch the sides of rent costs.

I’ve got two at uni and it’s costing me 20k a year. I was on the back foot, failing to predict the exponential rise in rent costs and the way inflation has undermined the living expenses loan. Don’t even talk to me about house deposits which the newspapers imply I’m on the hook for, too.

If I had known, I would have started saving, like parents in the US, from the moment they were born.

In the US, it’s normal for parents to encourage their children to stay ‘in state’ for lower university costs. It’s not normal here, hence the barrage of ‘YABU’

OP I’m with you, but I think you might have to suck up the costs.

Not saying this would happen with your son, but my mum was always guilt tripping, crying and pulling the apron strings for me to commumute 2 1/2 hrs a day. I did it but it caused massive resentment and almost wrecked our relationship and I ended up leaving my course a year early because I was so stressed and fed up with her.
Things got a bit better when I had my first child, but Ishe could never get over the hanging on to me even as a young adult, she was still doing it to a degree until I was about 25, married and 2 kids.

Mine has stayed home for 3 years and made the hour commute, for her the huge financial benefit of no rent etc means she can move away for her last year to a better uni without having to worry about money so it was win win for her.

of course he should go where he wants and to move out - the uni experience is as important as the studying really.

We don’t know how much the OP’s HH income is – but I don’t call £62k well off – if both parents are there and working FT that’s minimum wage tbh.

I think the Op needs to rethink, but as I say, I wonder how many posters on this thread are supporting a student in HE in the current climate.

The issue is that the threshold for minimum loan has risen so little, and also the level of loan has been static, while CoL – food, rents – has gone up so much.

DD went to uni six years ago – she got a good deal more than min loan and food was a lot cheaper. Our salaries have gone up a bit (not loads) and now with no dependents at home, DS2 (youngest DC) gets min loan and food costs ££. It’s not as easy as some posters seem to think.

DS1 could have had free tuition in Scotland, but we encouraged him to apply where he wanted. The top 3 universities for the subject he's doing are in England. He didn't get into the Oxbridge uni he applied to, but got his second choice of one of the London unis. It's a STEM course and includes a paid year in industry, which will help, and he's on a gap year now and working to save up. He's working for an electronics and tech retailer and hopefully might be able to transfer to a store in London.

DS1 will only get minimum student finance, we don't have huge amounts of disposable income at the moment (recent run of house repairs, plus a situation with my inlaws that we've ended up having to help financially with, but I won't go into) and I won't deny it would financially have been easier for him to go local. But it was about him, not us, and the conversation we had was if he wanted to go in England, we'd support, but it would mean he had to find a way to contribute. A gap year is a good compromise if he's able to work and save up, that will help in first year if it takes some time to find a part time job (assuming he doesn't go to Cambridge, where he'd only be able to work in the holidays). Gap year means parents can save up a bit too.

It's not impossible OP. Let him go, let him spread his wings a bit and go where will give him the best chance of a good career after uni. The better the uni is for his subject, the better opportunities he will have later. Uni is 3-4 years, but you have to consider what comes after too.

Only 16% are successful for Oxford engineering. If he hasn't booked a place for the PAT yet it's all hypothetical anyway as bookings closed last month. Similarly ESAT entries for Cambridge closed last week with the exam next week.