AIBU for pressuring my son to apply to unis close to home?

[SassyBear2]

My son is very academically capable and wants to study Electrical Engineering. From what he’s researched, Cambridge is better for engineering than Oxford because it’s more hands-on and practical, and the acceptance rate is slightly higher.

Despite this, we’ve been encouraging him to apply to Oxford. We live about an hour away by car, and if he went there he could commute from home, which would reduce how much we need to fund his uni life.

He says he wants to move out for uni because he wants to "experience proper student life" and he believes uni accommodation is an important aspect of that.

We’re also suggesting he look at London unis instead of other options like Warwick, because they’re only about an hour away if there’s no traffic.

AIBU for pressuring him a bit to apply to local unis rather than slightly better ones further away? Is an hour commute really far uni? Also do most students move out for uni or do they stay at home?

Yes you are totally unreasonable. He should apply to where HE wants to go. Ironically Oxbridge is one of the cheapest to attend. You can get a Cambridge college for under £5k a year and you stay in college accommodation for the whole course. The terms are short so there is plenty of time to work in the longer holidays to earn extra. Plus the chances of getting in to Oxbridge as so small anyway he should apply to where he actually wants to go

Oxford and Cambridge are totally residential; unlike many unis now, no students commute from home, all live in sometimes all 3 years. They are also great for poorer students as lots of support funds. And if he gets a lower loan, your obligation is to top it up to at least the max level of 10k ish, which itself is far from enough to live on. In short, yes, interfering in his choice is totally unreasonable and you need to be doing more to support what is an amazing opportunity if he gets it.

For what it's worth I went to Cambridge and as others have said, they don't allow / encourage people to live out and commute. I imagine Oxford is the same.

The advantage is that as you stay in college accommodation for the duration of your course, it's significantly cheaper than being at other universities and having to move out to private accomodation and pay market rates for rent from your second year. Prices do vary from college to college and it's also worth looking into how rooms are assigned after first year - via a random allocation or based on academic merit. At Clare for example you are assigned a number from a hat and if it's high you get first pick - then the next year your number is reversed so that it's fair. Some colleges like Peterhouse assign rooms based on exam results. Colleges will often have bursaries available too.

I loved Cambridge and while I'm obviously biased, think it has a much warmer / less snobby atmosphere than Oxford, and the engineering department is indeed excellent.

I think you are being unfair TBH. It's massively unreasonable to expect DS to commute . Being at Uni is part of the experience ! My own DS studied over 100 miles away.We were not a wealthy family .However he had his student loan(no grant as over limit which is quite low) We topped him up with shopping,meals out ,and not charging any rent in holidays .helping with train fares as well.If you are worried about him being away, there are lots of holidays and weekends at home to see friends / family .Also there is no guarantee of Oxbridge Unis as these are massively over subscribed

Agreed, and he'll no doubt be finishing his dissertation or main project in his final year, so commuting two hours a day would be an even bigger waste of time.

Your son will be affluent and will be able to pay off his student loan comfortably. Let him have the student experience that we had in the 90s when student accomodation was cheap. Let him manage his affairs, grow as a person, cook crap meals, love freely. He can afford it.

Spare a thought for the young people that are going to less prestigious higher education institution with a weaker potential earning power that will be saddled with student debt hanging over their heads for decades.

Absolutely no guarantee of this at the moment, the job market is dire even for the best graduates.
it's really tough out there!

So let him go to Cambridge then move there before he starts 3rd year?

Seriously, YABU. He'll likely resent you for stopping him doing what he wants to do where he wants to do it.

Harsh as it sounds, this. Also - as it sounds like he is only applying rather than has offers, do bear in mind what happened to my DD. Offers from 3, but then didn't quite get the grades. Went through clearing and ended up 5 hours away! So best laid plans and all that. Don't restrict him for a plan that may never happen. If he's capable of getting into the best, don't restrict him! And an hour's commute would be awful every time he needed to go to lectures or use the library until late or have group coursework sessions.

He wouldn't be able to live at home at Oxford. You have to live within 6 miles of Carfax tower, and 25 miles if you're living at home. An hour's drive is a lot more than that.

You don't get to decide how where he goes to uni because he will be an adult. You do get to say how much you'll give him to live on and he can think about how he'll fund the rest.

About 30-40% of the students where I teach commute. We try our best to make their experience as good as possible and foster a sense of community with them, but it is different and they sometimes feel they miss out. For some, being at home and saving money is still more important (or they live at home for health reasons), but it's not a choice without a cost.

I might be wrong but I think you have to be resident in Oxford and I think living away from home is part of the experience. I know not everyone wants to move for uni but as your son does I wouldn’t stop him.

You are completely unreasonable, he's the one going to university not you so it's his choice where he goes and let him live his life

What if she can't afford it? Have you read through the thread properly?

It is difficult for parents I agree. While you are supposed to top up the loans - if you really can't afford to meet the parental contribution you need to be honest with your son and suggest eg a gap year before uni to save up.
Uni and local accomodation varies a lot depending on city. I encouraged my children not to apply to London unless they were absolutely desperate to because even the halls were twice as expensive as other cities.

For Engineering, I would definitely apply to Cambridge over Oxford but would also apply to universities with great Engineering departments but less pressure on (and hence cheaper) accomodation eg Sheffield and Southampton. Engineers also often do a year in industry as part of their course which is usually paid so they can save up towards their final year then.

Isn't that discriminatory against low income students and mature students? I thought they were supposed to be becoming less elitist?

I think it’s ok to mention pros and cons but not make it feel like a pressure to decide according to your preference. He will resent you for it. Students who live at home can benefit from home comforts and support but they can often feel isolated and on the fringes of things. This can impact general wellbeing and how they feel about their studies. Moving out can be good for developing confidence and independence. Money concerns are real though as uni is so expensive. Your DS will need to work but I think this is part of the journey. I remember doing 3 jobs in the summer and loved it (factory, pub, internship), felt like I was carving my path. I wish him all the best.

My kids went to uni. I was in no position to financially support them as I was at uni myself after a decade of absolute poverty on benefits (as a carer for my autistic child).

One commuted and didn't get the uni experience which they regret. All had to manage on grants and loans. The youngest actually saved money from his grants etc. None of them had jobs as they are ND and dyslexic etc and study was hard work.

Let him go where he wants but you don't have to pay more than you can afford.

They stay in halls/college accomodation the whole 3 years at Cambridge and it's short terms. They have to move out in the holidays as they let the rooms. So it's a much cheaper option than other universities. It's an amazing opportunity- I'd be doing everything I could in supporting him to go .I can't see how commuting would be allowed when they strongly discourage going home at the weekends.

You can't really go to oxbrudge without living in the colleges there and it is part of it . I have lived in both as a young adult and universitied at Cambridge. It's exceptional there and you need to clip those wings

Let him spread his wings for god’s sake!

@SassyBear2 what year is he anyway? If year 13 then he's a bit late for Oxford and Cambs anyway, as a PP said wrt entrance tests; applications need to be in by mid-Oct as well.

If he is year 12 (hopefully) then there is some time for a) you to save some ££ b) him to get a job at weekend and holidays and save.

Re gap year – be aware that some unis are not keen on this for STEM students. Also re commuting – IME engineering students have a very heavy timetable. My dd commuted for her last year (various reasons) but it was about 30 mins and a very low-contact timetable – only two days in per week.

BTW before anyone else posts this! – yes lots of people have commented that Oxford and Cambs require you to live close to the university. The reason is the high level of contact time and need to be there for tutorials – it’s very different from most other UK unis.

Please understand that this is a once in a lifetime opportunity for him. You can't replicate the live-in university experience in any other situation. For many people it's the best years of their lives where they grow massively in an environment of people who are also open to growth and new ideas and hobbies etc.

The thing about other countries is that yes, people live at home (there are Americans who do as well), BUT, the courses they want are available locally. If you live in Dublin or Sydney, you won't have a problem finding any subject. A rural student would be different.

So the realistic possibilities for OP's son to stay home depend on what courses are actually available within a short distance. Depending on exactly where they are, there could be a vast choice or a poor one. But commuting an hour to Oxford is not realistic. If the OP's son wants Oxbridge they'll have to live there. That's how it works. This particular plan is a nonstarter. If moving out isn't an option than a student has to plan for that from the beginning.

Also, as I understand it (did a very very different degree!) engineering courses are high contact time, lots of work. It's not an arts degree where you have a few hours of lectures and then get sent home to read and write essays. You have a lot of work to do, group projects etc. So much more campus time and work time than you may be thinking.

To be honest, as PPs have pointed out, the costs at Oxbridge are less than you might expect, and with the increased employment prospects, it's well worth thinking of the investment. It's not like insisting on going hours away just for "the experience".

I partied way harder later in my college career than earlier. Made friends and came out of my shell. I never would have moved back home.

a friend had two sons who both went to uni at the same time, parents asked them to stay local, stay at home, Both of them gave up in the second year.
there are other ways of achieving the qualifications rather than an expensive degree