AIBU for pressuring my son to apply to unis close to home?

[SassyBear2]

My son is very academically capable and wants to study Electrical Engineering. From what he’s researched, Cambridge is better for engineering than Oxford because it’s more hands-on and practical, and the acceptance rate is slightly higher.

Despite this, we’ve been encouraging him to apply to Oxford. We live about an hour away by car, and if he went there he could commute from home, which would reduce how much we need to fund his uni life.

He says he wants to move out for uni because he wants to "experience proper student life" and he believes uni accommodation is an important aspect of that.

We’re also suggesting he look at London unis instead of other options like Warwick, because they’re only about an hour away if there’s no traffic.

AIBU for pressuring him a bit to apply to local unis rather than slightly better ones further away? Is an hour commute really far uni? Also do most students move out for uni or do they stay at home?

If you can in any way afford it then I think living away from your parents when you are at uni is a great experience. It's like a soft entry to being an adult ajd living independently while still having quite a bit of structure ajd support. It can teach you a lot. I think it's definitely worth it. At least it was for me.

Have you ever done a lengthy daily commute to any of the cities you mention? It would be utterly miserable and completely in variance to how relaxed university should be.

How is your dc to open their mind to all those new ideas when they are tired, and stressed? I think you do them a huge disservice.

Most students work in the holidays to help fund uni. If DS only gets minimum loan parents are usually expected to supplement the difference.

This is why on most posts when people are asking about whether to have another child they are advised to think ahead about possibility of uni costs

Oxford wouldn't let him commute from home anyway, certainly not for the first year.

He needs to do his own research and you need to let him make his own decision.

OP, I know finances are a worry when you have a DC at uni. Your son is right though, he will gain far more from uni if he moves out. It's a really good stepping stone to full adult independence.

DC2 worked full time for a year as a lifeguard before starting uni and saved all the money. They also do a 12-hour shift every Sunday in term time and work more in the holidays. They have 2 lifeguard jobs - one near the uni and one near home. It's fairly well paid - the job near home pays the over 23 minimum wage and the job near uni pays quite a bit more.

You’re so wrong I don’t know here to begin.

But like everybody else said: they won’t let him live far away like that. Secondly, you’re not allowed to work!

I commuted for two months during my first PG course after accommodation fell through.
On paper it was a 90 minute commute each way, realistically it was never less than 2 hours and it was hell. Cancelled or delayed trains, cancelled buses, bad weather - some nights I wouldn’t get back until gone 11pm and had to be up and out at 6am to ensure I made the 9am lecture. I got stranded more than once and ended up sleeping on a friends couch. It wasn’t significantly cheaper than just living there. I knew it wasn’t for long though as I was actively searching for accommodation, if I’d tried to do that as an UG I don’t think I’d have lasted a full semester.
Don’t try to make him commute - engineering is an intense course (even outside Oxbridge) and he’ll have long contact hours in all years of the course. Commuting on top of that will be miserable.

Yeah, no. This really won't work - you can't do an Oxford degree and commute.

Couple of things here, OP. Firstly, and most importantly- encourage your DS to apply to whatever universities he wants to apply for. It’s his life, not yours. My eldest is currently at Cambridge and yes, I am pleased it’s much closer than, say, St. Andrew’s (we are in London), but the bottom line is - it’s their choice. A big part of uni is living independently for the first time - it’s really not the norm for UK students to live at home or commute.

Secondly - there’s no ‘electrical engineering’ at Oxbridge, I don’t think? It’s just engineering - which encompasses a broader range of engineering disciplines. Worrying about which course is ‘better’ or ‘easier to get into’ at Oxford or Cambridge is a bit silly. Both would be amazing and both are ridiculously competitive. Cambs engineering has an acceptance rate of about 12 percent - each year, so many capable. very bright kids don’t get in. And plenty of other universities are brilliant for engineering too - just let your DS investigate what is right for him!

Oxford wants students to live in. Not sure if they make exceptions but that certainly used to be the case. DD is applying for Sep 26 entry, form due in 2wks. I’ve encouraged both of mine to live in uni. DD is thinking of a couple of london uni’s which she could commute to. I did remind her she will have her whole life to commute, and part of uni is the life experience of living in / learning to look after yourself.

Also if it’s about the money, then you need to tell your son if you cannot afford to top up the student loan to what he would get if you had a low salary. Someone I know had to ask her son to take a gap year and work to build up the funds as he got minimum loan based on her partners salary (not her son’s father) and he didn’t want to give her son money for uni.

The government expects parents to contribute, so some people saying it’s not the parent’s business, well it is when they are funding it. But it would be a massive shame if your son gave up his oxbridge dream because parents can’s support. I’d personally get a 2nd job to support my child’s Oxbridge dream. I know some parents can’t do that, and I do wish it was more widely known that parents are expected to contribute now so savings can start at birth, bit like college savings funds for American kids.

My son earned 5k working full time in summer 1, and earned 3k from an internship in summer 2 (and they offered him a grad job that he has just started). So that’s also an option.

No one at Oxford commutes and would be very odd if he did. Commuting 2 hours a day is pretty miserable as an adult with a job, let alone a student. Cambridge is better for practical engineering.

There is also no way he’s going to move out and then back while still at uni?! It’s normal to want independence and that’s not going to get less.

If you can’t afford for him to move away then he needs to figure out how to help pay, or choose a uni that’s actually close enough to commute (under 30 mins). FWIW, I think it’s fine to live at home during uni and where I am from, it’s very normal to do so if paying for it is a stretch. But an hour commute is nuts and it’s never going to happen at Oxford or Cambridge.

YABVU and this is unrealistic as it is not allowed for Oxbridge. If he'll only be getting minimum loan, this means you earn enough to top him up. It really sounds like you're trying to get him to sacrifice academically so you don't have to pay.

I say this as someone who did live at home for uni but it was London. I could have gone elsewhere, but I was keen on the course I did and it seemed silly to spend money on halls when it was a fairly straightforward tube ride.

This. He will not be allowed to live at home and commute if he goes to Oxford unless his home is less than 6 miles from the centre of Oxford https://www.ox.ac.uk/students/life/residency

My parents did this and I resent them for it. They'll frame it that they did me this huge favour, but we all know I stayed home because mum couldn't face letting me go.

Did you go to uni? The social side absolutely does not die out after second year.

You're definitely unreasonable here. Oxbridge is all about college life. I don't even know if you're allowed to not live in college accommodation as an undergrad, at least in the first year, and usually there is college accommodation provided throughout.
Your son would miss out on the Oxbridge experience if he was commuting home every day. There are formal halls and the college bar and societies all happening in the evening.
University is time to let him fly the nest. Terms are short so he'll be back every 3 months anyway.

As others have said, Oxford wouldn't allow such a long commute.

Socially he would miss out if he commuted and for London universities, you would need to consider the cost of commuting into London (unless you actually live there), probably at least 4 times a week as engineering courses tend to have a lot of contact hours, and often at peak times.

We are about an hour from London by train and a season ticket travelling at peak times would cost us £50 per week more than the average cost of a room in halls at Warwick Uni. If he would actually live in London for a year or two and then commute, the total cost for 3 or 4 years would be far in excess of living somewhere cheaper than London for his entire course as accommodation in London is very expensive.

I would be encouraging him to apply for the best universities for his course, regardless of location.

This.

@SassyBear2 step back. Let him leave.. you’re being a tad controlling here.

I don’t think yabu .

I stayed at home and commuted an hour into uni: my reasoning was I didn’t expect my mum and dad to pay, I wanted to reduce debt and I also have a much younger sibling and wanted to be around for them.

I didn’t feel like I missed out. In fact it was nice to have my loans paid off by early 30s. I moved out at 24 once I’d started my career.

This post can’t be real! OP doesn’t want her son to party and doesn’t wave to top up
his finance. Great mother there!

My DD turned up at home at quarter past one last night because her university accommodation had no water. She lives half an hour away and is in her third year, there was never any question of her living at home. Being independent has been so good for her.

My DC are both at a uni of their choice 3hr and 1.5hr away. No way would they be able to commute but they both love being with their friends, living independently and both uni cities have so much more to offer than the place DH and I live (although there’s a big uni here too).

DS1’s private accomm, in a very popular for tourist city, costs more than our mortgage was! Accomm is a dump so it’s really annoying to spend so much.

Despite the maintenance loans they receive, we are still forking out £800/month to top up the payments. Both are struggling to find work. Although they do dip in to their savings (18yrs worth of Xmas and birthday money). Very few of their friends have managed to find jobs to fund their fees.

I don’t like them living so far away but they enjoy their courses and the prospects in their respective fields of study are much better in their uni cities. We hope that giving them this opportunity will pay off and they’ll get jobs they love.

As PP have said, he probably wouldn’t even be allowed to commute to either Oxford or Cambridge. And if you’re concerned about the finances of going to uni, London is really not a good idea! There are plenty of places that are both good for engineering and reasonably priced.