AIBU for pressuring my son to apply to unis close to home?

[SassyBear2]

My son is very academically capable and wants to study Electrical Engineering. From what he’s researched, Cambridge is better for engineering than Oxford because it’s more hands-on and practical, and the acceptance rate is slightly higher.

Despite this, we’ve been encouraging him to apply to Oxford. We live about an hour away by car, and if he went there he could commute from home, which would reduce how much we need to fund his uni life.

He says he wants to move out for uni because he wants to "experience proper student life" and he believes uni accommodation is an important aspect of that.

We’re also suggesting he look at London unis instead of other options like Warwick, because they’re only about an hour away if there’s no traffic.

AIBU for pressuring him a bit to apply to local unis rather than slightly better ones further away? Is an hour commute really far uni? Also do most students move out for uni or do they stay at home?

Fees are always entirely covered by a loan.

Yes, everyone thinks years ago people had free grants for their living expenses. I did not go to university, but my husband did in the early 1970s. He did not receive a grant for his living expenses because his parents were earning too much. It certainly wasn’t too much by today’s standard’s. They did not go abroad for a holiday or go out to restaurants/pubs.They had saved for their children’s university costs.
There were no tuition fees then.

Not everyone can afford it. You don't know everyone's finances. Some people don't want to hemorrhage a few £k for university accommodation. Is it really "shitty" if a parent lets their child stay at home with them rent free during their higher education?

Not everyone can afford to. You don't know everyone's personal finances. That's why as Londoners all our DC have or will go to London unis. If they get into Oxbridge great, if not...

Yes. I knew that. Aren't we talking about the maintenance loan rather than tuition fees?

Exactly what matters most is that he studies well.

Not everyone lives close enough to a university to commute though.

It's means tested, and you've known the score since before your children were conceived. You only can't if you've chosen to deprioritise it.

That is a fair point. OP's DC seems that he'll have to make a big commute.

Clearly not the people who were saying we didn't understand because fees were less in our days...

Maintenance was always means tested. I got £0 in the 90s because of my parents income, as did my older brother a few years before me.

So in the 90s (possibly even 80s for DB) we got fees paid (now entirely covered by loan), but our living costs were means tested, and all but the most deprived households were expected to pay a good chunk, if not all, of their children's rent and day to day costs. We were a family with one middle earner and a non earner and we got £0 in grant.

You're acting completely illogically. You don't know everyone's financial situation, how many DC they have. How old they are, how many different expenses the family has?

Commuting can save a lot of money and reduce student finance debt.

If your son wants to move out of home and it's financially possible then let him choose. There's no doubt that living on campus can be an invaluable experience and if he commutes then it is not just about getting there in time for lectures but he has to worry about social events and getting home afterwards, and he will miss out on so much - or have to sleep on someone's floor the whole time which isn't ideal.

But since before these kids were born, their parents knew they had to pay for Uni. So that should have informed how many kids they had, what size house they live in, the holidays they had, the phones/gym membership/nails etc.

Yes, deprioritising is a good word! Renting for 3 years whilst experiencing the “university life” is an absolute waste of money if you have universities you can commute to!
That £500 per month (minimum you must subsidise) x12; x3 = £18k over the university period.
If you were to add that to any savings you’ve made for your child over its lifetime, he or she would have a substantial house/flat deposit which is a far superior investment for your child then them living independently temporarily in crap student accommodation!

Yes, and those parents can also make a decision on how to spend their money and how to save for their children’s futures. You see some parents would rather save all that monthly money on providing a house deposit for when that child comes out of university. Instead of subsidising the child’s rent for 3 years which is an absolute waste of money!

You can bet your bottom dollar that the non contributing parents aren't handing over a house deposit!

Disadvantage your child if you wish. It's not the aim for most parents.

Not sure if it would apply now but back around 2000 when 2 of ours went to uni, we did this. When we got the loan application form, on the parental income section we wrote across it in block caps “ we decline to give this information, our child is 18 now and it is his /her choice to go to uni, not ours” or words to that effect. They both got full loans, no questions asked, which we then topped up as appropriate. Might not work now, I don’t know.

Nope, they'd get minimum loans, as your children would have done in 2020. Well done for screwing your kids over. Not really the standard most parents aspire to.

@Flossflower The university running costs were paid by the government from taxation. So the bin man contributed to the education of a philosophy graduate. That became increasingly difficult when the university sector became enormous from 1992 onwards so loans for funding purposes came in. Grads got better jobs so they paid.

DH had some money from grants and awards in the early 70s. His parents had to pay some. Not that they always did! Both were working so did have to make a contribution.

🤣🤣🤣. Not sure if you have been to uni or when but when I went to uni (in the 2000s) parties didn’t die out… ever 🤣. Don’t make him choose a uni close to home. Let him do what he wants. I wouldn’t say my best years were at uni but certainly the ones I felt more free. I loved every minute of it. You have to let him choose.

When my husband was in the sixth form, he lived about an hour away from Cambridge.

One of his tutors who knew his family quite well told him that if he applied to Cambridge, one way or another he would see his parents practically every weekend. Whereas if he applied to Oxford it would be once a term at most.

He went to Oxford and never regretted it!

To be honest, you sound a bit like my husband's parents. Let your son go and have an independent life and transition into adulthood in the best possible way.

Yes, no maintenance grant here either over 30 years ago. Having to take out a loan for the fees is hard on the student, but in terms of what parents are expected to top up, the addition of fees hasn't changed things. What has changed things is the massive increase in housing costs and the failure of student finance to keep up with it. I don't disagree that it's hard. But with £90K a year parental income and summer work from her DS, it really seems that OP should be able to make things work. And I certainly wouldn't be looking to London if living expenses were an issue.

If you ‘persuade’ him to stay at home he’ll probably drop out. You have to let him do what he wants to do.

There are so many hypotheticals here. It sounds as though many of you think a place at Oxford or Cambridge is a given. They make offers to around 1 in 8 applicants for engineering.

What will the OP suggest he also puts on his UCAS form? If she is insistent that he commutes locally that probably means Reading, Brookes and possibly Coventry and Warwick if they live in the other direction.

DS is 16 and a couple of weeks ago was undecided between engineering & medicine. He was arguing with OP over being made to continue learning Spanish on top of doing 4 A levels and getting detentions in school.

I doubt if either the OP or her DS has a clue at this stage and she thinks he can stroll along to any university & pick up an offer for whatever he fancies.