AIBU for pressuring my son to apply to unis close to home?

[SassyBear2]

My son is very academically capable and wants to study Electrical Engineering. From what he’s researched, Cambridge is better for engineering than Oxford because it’s more hands-on and practical, and the acceptance rate is slightly higher.

Despite this, we’ve been encouraging him to apply to Oxford. We live about an hour away by car, and if he went there he could commute from home, which would reduce how much we need to fund his uni life.

He says he wants to move out for uni because he wants to "experience proper student life" and he believes uni accommodation is an important aspect of that.

We’re also suggesting he look at London unis instead of other options like Warwick, because they’re only about an hour away if there’s no traffic.

AIBU for pressuring him a bit to apply to local unis rather than slightly better ones further away? Is an hour commute really far uni? Also do most students move out for uni or do they stay at home?

Okay, it works for you. As you say, they are on your doorstep. Wonder what OP has decided? 🤔

Surely Warwick is still cheaper than London?

honestly the life experience of moving out and being with friends is just invaluable and if you have a child that wants that experience I think u should support them. I wouldn’t have met my husband or had our children if I hadn’t moved away to study - my life has been shaped by that (albeit expensive) decision

Why pay all the extra money to "move away" to a lesser uni when world leading unis are on your doorstep?

Depending on the subject, Bath may not be the "lesser university". I know that UCL, Imperial and LSE are world renowned universities, but they aren't the only universities with great industry links.

Also, did you know that the university targeted by more employers than any other is Manchester university?

Yes only works given that we are in London. I was just saying I understand what OP's going through.

Just saying that since we are already in London, it makes little sense to go elsewhere. If it's not Oxbridge there's little to no "trade up" to going elsewhere.

You are being very unreasonable and controlling. You should be supporting him to apply to the best unis for him and encouraging him to live in at uni. Cambridge is actually one of the cheapest for living costs so he would do well to try and get a place there. An hour's commute is way too much, especially at Oxford which has short, intensive terms. Moving out of home will prpbably be the making of him and he will resent you if you don't support this.

Agree the financial landscape has changed. It was so much easier with the grant system for our generation.

But ‘different saving priorities’ - really?! My eldest has just gone off to uni and my two younger ones also plan to. Our income is roughly the same as OPs - so we get the minimum loan and I plan to top up as much as possible. DCs will need to work in holidays/when they can to help with that.

This means ultimately, helping with their uni education is our ‘savings priority’ right now. Not our pensions or our own savings. We don’t ‘have’ to, but I want to - I’d rather support them at an important life stage and downsize later to free up capital to help fund our retirement. Uni happens once for them. I’m not trying to preach to the op - as I said, I know it’s hard - but I think this is what being a parent is, we prioritise our kids…

Not that simple though is it ? I am a lone parent with 3 kids, yes I earn a good salary but if I topped all three up I couldn't afford to live. So I work more hours to pay for their amazing alcohol fuelled lifestyle ?

So I work more hours to pay for their amazing alcohol fuelled lifestyle ?

Don't be so ridiculous. The maintenance loan doesn't usually even cover halls fees these days let alone day to day living expenses. And this is before you even consider money for socialising.

My view is I will help find living costs. They can fund their"lifestyle" costs through working,.whether that's gap year jobs,. holiday jobs or term time jobs or a mixture

Not sure if anyone else has mentioned it but the limit to commute into Oxford is 25 miles - from Carfax Tower I think - I researched it a year or so ago

I am in the same position and mine is now commuting. Topping up is not an option for everyone and the bank of parent is not a blank cheque. I am sure the droves on here will witter on about lifestyle etc but they are there to study. Be honest with your son about what is and isn't possible. A friend of mine remortgaged for her son to his degree and now he works in a bar.

Not everyone can bite the bullet. High income maybe but outgoings not considered. Live within your means

Get with the real world often parents prioritise getting on the housing ladder etc as some of us haven't had a leg up from their parents. Also not all children were planned and some might have had no desire for uni till year 12. Mumsnet or Tory net such horrible comments.

She is starting to piss me off. High earners maybe but how many children ? Has their mortgage gone up ? Are they making up time following a period of unemployment ? Not everyone is as entitled as she and perhaps she has a cushion from her parents whereas many have not.

That's true, @SassyBear2 probably has high outgoings. But at that level of income it should be perfectly possible to live within your means and allow your DC to go to the British university of their choice.
DH and I never had anywhere near that level of income but always kept our mortgage and outgoings to a manageable level. It was still perfectly possible to put our DC through the universities of their choice though they didn't qualify for the top level of loans and we had to be very careful what we spent for the years they were studying. This shouldn't have taken them by surprise.

You ned to lay out the financial facts and let him decide himself.

It only did for my eldest as he took a shared room.

Exactly. We've given our DC absolutely everything in life. It's a small price to pay to take a tube ride to a world leading university

you are being completely unreasonable. I am surprised that you even have to ask. Let the boy go and start his own life. The cost of maintenance is an excuse he can get loans and part time jobs to help support him like other students do.If you continue to smother him like this then you might lose him permanently

I get that you may have financial commitments that reduce disposable income and therefore may not feel well off. But you still earn a good deal more than average. Your household earnings are comparable to ours, we're not flush with disposable cash at the moment, but we will support DS1 to live out after his gap year. The gap year gives him (and us) chance to save up to help meet expenses. We will top him up for essentials, but expect him to work to fund the lifestyle/wants. DS1 has never been into parties or drinking thus far, (but who knows once they go off to uni and spread their wings!) He's a big gamer, that's where his spare money tends to go.

If your DS goes to Cambridge he won't be able to work in term time, but could do when he returns home for the holidays as the terms are shorter.

There are ways and means that don't involve guilt tripping them to stay home and not go to the uni that will give them the best chances.

Utter bollox. Quite a few colleges are more than a mile from Carfax tower and loads of students live around Cowley road

I posted the actual regulations upthread - up to 6 miles from Carfax tower as an undergraduate, unless living with parents/guardians, in which case the limit is 25 miles away.

So he could in theory commute to Oxford?

If he lives with parents / guardians within 25 miles, yes. I queried upthread whether he does so - the OP did not reply.