AIBU for pressuring my son to apply to unis close to home?

[SassyBear2]

My son is very academically capable and wants to study Electrical Engineering. From what he’s researched, Cambridge is better for engineering than Oxford because it’s more hands-on and practical, and the acceptance rate is slightly higher.

Despite this, we’ve been encouraging him to apply to Oxford. We live about an hour away by car, and if he went there he could commute from home, which would reduce how much we need to fund his uni life.

He says he wants to move out for uni because he wants to "experience proper student life" and he believes uni accommodation is an important aspect of that.

We’re also suggesting he look at London unis instead of other options like Warwick, because they’re only about an hour away if there’s no traffic.

AIBU for pressuring him a bit to apply to local unis rather than slightly better ones further away? Is an hour commute really far uni? Also do most students move out for uni or do they stay at home?

Yes that’s great, and of course if parents have the spare cash for that than no problem at all.
But a lot of these posters on here are giving the op a hard time for not wanting to spend the money on their child’s university experience. She wants to persuade him to stay home…. Which would be very sensible if she has other children to think of.

Op might be, but I’m a very long way below that 😂

Oxbridge has rules against living at home during term:

For Cambridge:
The three-mile rule: Students are generally required to live within a three-mile radius of Great St Mary's Church during term time.

For Oxford:
Distance limit: You must live within six miles of Carfax Tower, a landmark at the center of the city.

@Mybabyloveswires tuition fee loans are not means-tested so every student can claim one – no need for parental contribution on that (and it goes directly to the uni so the student cannot spend it).

Personally I think on a HH income of £90-100k it should be possible to support a child at uni. I do it on a lot lot less. I’m not after a medal or anything, just saying that if a parent thinks it’s important that their DC goes to uni and takes advantage of all the opportunities (which offer considerably more than the chance to take drugs and have sex) then they can look at how to make it happen. An income of the level posted by the OP will give more possibilities to flex and cover a reasonable level of support.

We don’t know if she has other children, so your point about that is redundant. What we know is that the household income is high (which is why the son isn’t eligible for more then the minimal maintenance loan), and that the family aren’t financially struggling,

Exactly. This is exactly what we've experienced in our family.

I'm a single mum and my youngest has just gone to uni. It's not costing me as much as I thought. I've enjoyed seeing how excited he is and how it has helped his independence. Mine is only 30 mins away but he lives there and I don't see him. Definitely better to move. My other son didn't and hasn't made any friends so my younger one wanted to do it this way.

There’s many many posters on here who are judgy and even mean that the op has suggested he stays at home and commutes. These posters are forgetting that there are many types of families out there who might all earn 90k. Different scenarios and circumstances in each of these 90k families.
Some might have many children, some might have debt and some purely might have different saving priorities.
People shouldn’t be so oppinionated is she chooses to encourage her son to commute

But since it's been clear since before their children were conceived that top up fees for Uni were required, why keep on having children they can't afford to support?

We have twins! and managed to set up savings accounts to pay for Uni on much less than OPs HH income. Yes, we haven't had overseas holidays most years, yes, we ran just the one car, we cooked from scratch, we stayed in a smaller home etc. But we knew that part of the cost of having children was paying towards Uni, and we made sure we did that ahead of spending on treats/luxuries/upgrades for ourselves.

Exactly. My DC did. Many of DC's friends did. Also loved it they had healthy home cooked meals.

But since it's been clear since before their children were conceived that top up fees for Uni were required, why keep on having children they can't afford to support?

This often gets pointed out on the "shall I have a third child" threads, which are usually started by posters who have children of primary age or under.

Supporting your children through university doesn’t automatically mean you have to pay their rent for 3/4 years. You can be just as supportive by providing their food, accommodation, clothes, car, transport, phone whilst they live at home and commute

YABU. It’s one thing if you live in London with many good local universities where the uni halls can be far from campus but not realistic at Oxford.

The thought of my parents hassling me to live at home with them for even part of my degree rather than being happy I was off and spreading my wings. Jesus. We truly didn’t know what halycon days the nineties were. Sorry OP, that doesn’t help but how very sad.

Well actually it does. There's an expectation that you top up from the means tested amount to maximum loan amount. That's approx £500/m per child, for anyone wondering.

This is fair as well. We don't know where OP lives

Not everyone can afford to. And you're not legally obligated to do so

It's means tested. You can afford to, unless you deprioritise it.

No, you're not legally obligated to, but you're not legally obligated to house your child post 16, pay for clubs, give them a birthday gift, take them to swimming lessons or take them to the dentist. You're a shit parent if you don't. Loving parents don't aspire to do the minimum required of them by law.

Hope you're saving for elder care, because the children you didn't prioritise aren't going to protitise you later in life!

Have you been to uni @SassyBear2 , what you are suggesting is ridiculous. I feel for your son, what a commute that will be.

I’m in the minority here and voted YANBU. While historically, living on campus was part of the university experience and indeed of growing up, it’s much more expensive now. I think if your son wanted to learn a subject and the best place wasn’t commutable, he should move away. If there are excellent universities within commutable distance, it makes sense to me to stay home and save money considering how prohibitive the costs are (and also potentially you will bear some of the costs too).

I think you need to do the maths with him so he understands how much extra accommodation will cost him and how grocery and travel costs will be an extra burden for you. I’d make it clear that if he chooses to live on campus he will need to bear the extra costs and get a part time job to do so.

I think most people who have had the proper uni experience had it when fees were paid for or were minimal. They’ve been excessive in this country for some time now and while they don’t need to be repaid until after graduation and being in receipt of a decent job, why saddle him with unnecessary debt for the rest of his life? Very different if the expense was due to attending a superior university far away from home which would lead to a better education and a better job.

This.
Let him choose, and live independently.

I think most people who have had the proper uni experience had it when fees were paid for or were minimal.

Or had parents who could afford it or planned ahead for it by saving and limiting their family size.

Surely the choice should be entirely his? Its his life not yours.

Not legally, but morally.
I’m rounding here, but if the maximum maintenance loan is 10K, but because of your income your child can only receive 4K, whereas students from lower income families can get up to the maximum, it’s up to you to make up the difference. Why should your child suffer because of your earnings? If you have a higher family income you should be able to pay from income, or have saved, rather than spending it on a bigger house or whatever.

I went to Uni in the early 90s and had zero grant because of my parents income. My parents gave me the full grant amount. This really isn't a new thing.